Dating Thread 232 - Loving Ourselves First

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Ouch @GoldenMirror that must hurt, I'm sorry - I can imagine how you feel 😕 Did he say why he'd changed his mind?

Yeah @Daisysunset it weirdly does. I hadn’t thought for a minute of seeing him again, he sought it. His reasons were bluster about work stuff

I suspect drink and lust made him ask me, cold light of day, no

That's a pretty lousy way to treat someone. The whole block/delete/move on is tough though isn't it - just because you know it's for the best doesn't make it hurt any less

Thanks @Daisysunset . It’s a weird one. I’ll woman up tomorrow and distract myself

Hello checking in

Can I ask which apps ppl are using?
I've tried Hinge but it's very quiet
Bumble much busier but I don't like having to message first

Definitely true...

Definitely true...

Hey @Stayingstrongish meant to reply yesterday… that must feel horrible seeing him on there still 😔 would you try and send him a message on there see if it goes through? This would be exactly the kind of thing to send me into insecurity and paranoia 😞

@GoldenMirror sorry about your iron it does sting doesn’t it 😔

💐💐💐 for everyone today!

Maybe it's worth testing out on the particular app you're using. I know it does vary app by app. I hope you find a way through it... I would be more focusing on the messages from an ex I think because I think there are loads of reasons why someone might even occasionally browse through an app (boredom, distraction) and it doesn't mean they're actually looking for anything or chatting to anyone.

How long have you been seeing each other?

That would make me feel sad too, but..... if he's young and far away and you'd had a repeat, it might have been more upsetting further down the line if he's not particularly appropriate (in terms of youngness and far awayness) when things had ended.

@fedup078 I found Hinge deathly quiet too - it seems to work well for people in cities. I had most success on OKC and Feeld but it really does seem to differ depending on your demographic.

About the apps… if he knew it would hurt you to be even just on there browsing or looking, or said he was back on there after telling me he deleted them, that for me would be a breach of trust, (I dumped my 3 month wonder for exactly this!) as if they’re untrustworthy where do you really go from there?

I'd agree with this in some ways @ButterflyOfShay but it is never clear whether deleting an app on your phone actually removes your profile, and for many people - especially if you don't have a subscription - it might seem like the most obvious thing to do to just get rid of them from your phone and think nothing further of it. And of course if both people did that and never looked again, it wouldn't matter. But if one of you happens to be on there looking then you might see the other's profile. It's a difficult one because really, what are you doing looking on there in the first place.... but I get it because I've done similar and it's always tempting to see if they are still showing as on there! I had this a couple of weeks ago, MrNice and I said we had no interest in being on the apps, he said Feeld had contacting him asking if he wanted to renew his subscription and he said he had no interest... I went on after our chat and suspended my account/removed my profile from being seen, and deleted the app - while I was on there I saw he'd been online 15 days ago and his profile was still showing.

I don't distrust him at all and so I haven't said anything... I think for him he's just not subscribed and has deleted the app... maybe I'm being naive - I don't know..! But I just don't think many people methodically go through an app's bespoke process for removing themselves because they know in themselves they're not interested in finding someone else and so it's all irrelevant.

I am so grateful for these threads! I’m my case I am not OLD because I have so little confidence. My on/off saga continues with Mr Serb. We agreed last week to dial back to friends-zone (tho’ we were never really in that) but in the year we have seeing each other our friendship groups (lots of shared interests that he has introduced me to that I really enjoy) are so entwined that we can’t just not see each other and we live about 5 mins apart. People assume we are in a normal relationship and are puzzled if they ask and eg we don’t know if the other person is attending or not. He has very heavy work and family commitments but then frustratingly continues to take on more time consuming projects both work and leisure. Last week he said he was thinking of getting a dog /he has never had one before! Where we live all the older men have a dog /which seems to be their main source of affection and so much less demanding than a girlfriend! He is going on holiday with his oldest male friend in a few weeks time and a long trip abroad to family over Christmas and has several holidays this summer with various family members, so lack of time to see me is something he chooses. We went out a few days ago doing a joint hobby and had a good time and ended up at my house with a couple we know through the hobby and sat in my garden drinking wine and was lovely. Of course the other couple think we are a couple! Mr Serb is unfailingly polite and courteous with me and stayed until the other couple had left and then we sat in the garden together for a cigarette (occasional smokers). I wish I had provided less wine, not because any of us were drunk, but because the other couple stayed so long and he had work the next day which I should have been mindful of and made signals for them to leave earlier. But our communication is so poor that he would have thought I wanted them all to leave and I am not a quick thinker.
Just realised that this is the first time ‘we’ have hosted other people at my house /he was keen we should ask them. I have to admit that before they joined us in the hobby I asked him if I should invite them back for a drink afterwards and he was very keen. It was actually because I wanted to avoid awkwardness between him and me at the end of the joint hobby.
Sorry about this lengthy diatribe!!!!
I hate that I give so much headspace to this.
I really enjoy reading others adventures on here thank you - makes me feel so less lonely!!

I have a good friend who’s engaged to a guy she met IRL she was also on tinder and just never deleted her tinder profile but also never been back on it 😂 she’s probably got thousands of likes and messages in the last 3 years 😂😂

@SortingItOut Thanks for the uplifting picture 😊

I was thinking as I walked the dogs this morning that maybe I don't actually need a man like I thought I did. I went back through the first few chapter of Mr U and the FBG last night and highlighted a few parts which relate so clearly to my current iron (will call him Mr Train, though hopefully he won't be around for much longer 😁).

I definitely need to work on myself before I jump back into anything, and I appreciate the words of wisdom from you all. Real life friends just don't get it!

@fedup078 I live in a major city and hinge is quiet for me - shows me about 5 profiles all day.

I use bumble too but because of all the ego swipers have given up doing thought out opening messages only to be unmatched or have them expire so merely say hi and drop me a message if you fancy chatting sometime. Balls back in their court then if they are interested. Could this week for you?

That’s true @ibelieveinmirrorballs ! And I think he’s not good at just fun, which is why he enjoyed his mad night out with me as a one off 🤣

Thanks @ButterflyOfShay

Daisysunset

we are all very contemplative right now

I’m also in the confused what do I want camp

if I ever braved OLD again my demands would range from a fuck buddy , to an FWB to a new husband

Jesus 😩

@fedup078 I deleted Hinge as it was rubbish. O agree about not always wanting to message first on bumble, it’s a bit wearing. Also a message from them shows more clearly if it’s a starter! Also on tinder, which is busier, but nothing yet

My daughter told me to go on the over fifties dating app advertised on tv, before a place in the sun, but I don’t think I’m ready yet 🤣🤣

@Thisisworsethananticpated yes! I also sway wildly between those goals.

But never again am I accepting being anything other than adored!

I had a look at the paid ones but I'm not prepared to pay that amount of money when there is probably only a small pool of people on there who are no doubt also on the free ones too