Dating Thread 232 - Loving Ourselves First

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

I’ve been working through some trust issues as Mr Beard had told me he deleted the app we met on. (He volunteered this info, I didn’t ask him to).

I have muted the app but not deleted. I went back on the app to look at the messages from when we met and his profile was still there. It hadn’t changed but not deleted. Not sure what to make of this. Not a big deal but playing on my mind a little. Also a message flashed up on his phone from an ex who lives locally, I didn’t see the whole thing but something to do with having deleted her dating app profile. Think this is what set me off thinking about it all!

Stayingstrongish

im angry because the signs were there all along and I ignored my gut
Im angry because I fell for him - how ?
I’m angry because I let him treat me like shit time after time
Im feeling shit cos she’s younger than me and has great hair

@Stayingstrongish I'm confused as to how exactly you remove your profile on these apps - could it be that he just deleted the app from his phone and that this didn’t/doesn’t actually change his profile appearing on the app to other people?

Dud you ask him about the message from an ex? It seems an odd message to send an ex unless they have now become friends and she was updating him that she was doing this because she’s met someone new.

@Thisisworsethananticpated you fell for him because you weren’t quite ready to learn the lesson last time and this is the sign you are ready now.. I’ve repeated patterns over and over and am bloody 52.

I’m glad you’re getting angry - this IS progress and it will pass. I’m always a bit suspicious of the “it was my crazy ex!” schtick - not least when it involves them not seeing their children. You’re worth twenty of him - and you’re self-aware enough to change and move forwards.

agree too😂😂😂…good start…I want to fall in love and vice versa with a man

@Thisisworsethananticpated great hair is most annoying

Worsy…for what is worth I find it difficult to believe that what you are going through hasn’t happened to MANY of us. I know it is no consolation but even if his wife was a bitch and problems with seeing kids arose, still opening to you or at least treating you properly should have happened. Balkan is probably on enraged phase against his wife and many men turn slightly misogynistic after divorce for a period if things are really wrong. Eventually, this is just a phase and they learn to trust and fall in love after. You have every right to feel unhappy and go through rage. You may even feel used but I would really not check anything about his life or his ex wife at all. You are going to be ok and this was just something you can chuck in a closet and forget. It lasted a few months and you had some fun too and helped you to feel alive going through a difficult time. Relativise the damn thing after you get enraged. You will still feel enraged at some points when you remember him, but less so because you will also feel you got something out of this relationship.
@ibelieveinmirrorballs …I love how every time you are with Mr Nice things just click naturally and they are just lovely. I think you found your man…
@Stayingstrongish …this is the hard part of OLD. Trust that once a relationship is going strong , none of us are on the apps…I think if you feel secure with him you should ask him about what nags you. Especially if you are in love and going exclusive
@SortingItOut …I see you quite strong and recovered from Mr K issues…but is your heart made of stone? I think we can all fall in love without intending to…

I’m seeing Mr A later this evening. First date. I think he’s too NICE…the danger here is that I friendzone him. Let’s see
I’m kind of hoping Mr O ( widow) will ping back and decide to see me too.

😂😂😂agree

Thanks for the new thread @SortingItOut 😁

Great title and something I often forget to do! My ex dh destroyed my confidence by having an affair and leaving for the ow but for all its faults old did make me see I'm not the troll I was left feeling I was. That being said it also gives you a kicking sometimes like most recently mr city preferring to shop around to see if he could do better 🤦‍♀️

I'm menopausal at mid 40s and suffering bloating that makes me look pregnant but that aside I don't think I'm a bad catch - people seem to find me attractive, I've got a good personality according to friends, I'm self sufficient, solvent, not looking for a dad to my kids, own home etc so I'm going to try and remember my worth!

Been chatting to a new iron for 2 days so having a lunchtime meet with him today. I'll name if going to see again but will update later 🙂

So I'm single again. We were out saturday night in his local, again. I was almost feeling like a spare part, its not really ideal to do this so often as it's not couple time and we did talk about it and agree to change it up. He suggested casually that I chat to a lady he knows and I was thinking why would you do that, then makes a comment about who hed be socialising with if I wasnt there and then at end of night there was a fight one of his friends was involved in and he went to break that up and left me ages on my own. I have to say I was cross and asked him what his priorities were. We barely spoke the rest of the night, slept like strangers in the bed and on Sunday I got up and said I was unhappy about the events of the previous night and he said we would have to agree to differ as we had different perspectives and that it might be best to leave it. I just said that was ok and left. I feel bad as it is his birthday on Wednesday but I definitely need mote than this. Not easy.

Oh LuckyLinda…I’m not sure I remember but you had some issues before with this iron right? I’m amazed he didn’t try to stop you and talk things over on Sunday…looks wrong to not have a proper chat…unfinished business. How are you feeling?

Oh @LuckyLinda3 you must have felt so let down. It’s one thing for a partner to leave you like that on a night out if you see each other frequently but not when time together is already so restricted.

And agree with @Mila14 that it’s very disappointing he let you leave like that on the Sunday. You are right to think you deserve better and are worth more - this is breadcrumbing of the highest order.

@Mila14 thank you re MrNice. I feel very lucky - good luck re your date with MrA later… I had exactly the same reservations before meeting my MrNice (as indicated by his name!) and the key for me was the connection when we kissed at the end of the first date… he is so nice I very easily could have thought hmm is this for me (I normally go for strident alpha male types) but we were saved by having a phenomenal first kiss and for once not following that through with anything further that evening! 😆

You're 100% right @Mila14 . Our social life as a couple is predominantly me travelling to his, 45 mins away and socialising in his local which I dont mind but I had asked for some variety. Hes very loyal to work colleagues and friends, an absolutely admirable trait dont get me wrong but I'm just not feeling his loyalty to me. It would have been better to have a conversation but honestly we were both in the wrong headspace yesterday morning. I dont expect to hear from him again.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs yes I do deserve more. Now to be fair I got up out of bed and got dressed and woke him to say I was unhappy about the night before and say I was leaving, he was still half asleep and would normally engage very well in any conversation.

Mila14

thanks , and I have cleared my search history
I just had to find out you know ?
he’s 100% deleted now
and I’ll feel better it was just a horrible evening
that sick stomach feeling

good luck tonight !!!!!!

LuckyLinda3

ooh no
you are exactly one week after mine

I’m not going to make read that damm book !!!

but do look on the website
baggage reclaim with Natalie lue
some great articles and blogs for where you are as of today and to help shape your response

sending you extra breakup hugs , wine and whatever you need

@Thisisworsethananticpated and @LuckyLinda3 in case of interest Natalie Lue also has a Baggage Reclaim podcast which I’ve found helpful as you can dip into topics specific to how you’re feeling in that moment..

@LuckyLinda3 sorry to hear about what happened with your iron. That's such a crappy thing to do and you deserve much better. Hope you're okay ❤️

Aw thanks all, I'm feeling ok right now. It's his birthday on Wednesday and I have already bought his present but I'm thinking just do/say nothing and leave things as they are?

Well I’ve had hundreds of likes on Bumble
I would say over 1’000
and I’ve liked only a handful back !!
Most profiles are utterly minging and I’m not exactly picky
Do I have to keep going? 😞

LuckyLinda3

yes fuck him
he’ll be very taken aback when you don’t contact him
I’d sit very tight and no nothing

but I’m in an angry vengeful mood 😁

Sorry to hear about your breakup @LuckyLinda3 but you can do better than someone that just wanted you to skit into their mundane routine

Back from my date but have sent the "no spark" text. He was nice enough but couldn't imagine wanting to rip his clothes off despite him being quite attractive so no point

@Thisisworsethananticpated yes I think the same too, just do nothing. I'm actually ok atm but I know that could change. To be fair he was very good for me as a first long relationship after my marriage break up. He showed huge patience with me, was sooo good for my confidence and self image and I will take that away regardless. I may get angry in time just like you but right now I'm ok and I'll sit with that. Sending virtual hugs.
@Slothmomma I agree, I want more than that. Fair play for being decisive!

@LuckyLinda3 it’s pants isn’t it? I’ve just split with a man who was similarly good for me post marriage breakup, but had become so negative and set in his ways it did my head in. We will be better off without them!