Is it Possible to fall in love from an affair

[3117e]

So I really need some non judgmental advice please.
If your going to tell me how much of a bad person I am please don’t I already know!

So me and my partner became friends with another couple who we met through friends. Over time we got closer and closer until the 4 of us pretty much became best friends. They have 2 primary aged children and we have 1.

Anyway over a period of time me and her partner became close like really close friends but it became apparent that we both fancied each other etc;

Anyway fast forward a few months we find ourselves having a full blown affair any opportunity we bet we’re ‘at it’ the passion in it is just something else, something I’ve never had with my partner.

If we’re wt each other’s houses and I go to the toilet he finds and excuse to come upstairs to grab me or kiss me if only for a few seconds. We’ve spoke and both said no feelings were ever meant to come into it but they have.

Anyway I find myself thinking about him literally day and night; we see each other regularly as friends or one on one.

It’s very apparent neither of us are happy at home and we very much have the same needs and wants.

Jokes have been made by other friends saying how me and him are alike and my partner and his partner are alike how we should swap.

But I just want to know is it possible to keep this going?

We both very much want each other but don’t want to ruin our families at the same time.

Please no hate I hate myself enough but sometimes you can’t help it.

And my dad emigrated and we miss him.

Ew. What a grubby pair.

This scenario is the lowest of the low. Your children and your friends and family will hate you forever, all for a bit of illicit cock. It’s not ‘love’. You are just selfish, and bored.

Well OP, I am amazed at both your stamina and time management skills.

Your AP has two kids and you have one, you both have homes and spouses and yet you can juggle your lives so you can have all this mind-blowing sex?

You must be both mainlining on adrenaline, and that sort of 'high' isn't sustainable.

Be prepared to crash and burn.

You could be in love, lust or Limerence. I guess question is, is he really worth it...

My brother and his ex were exactly in the same scenario. 2 couples, great friends, always together. She started sleeping with the husband, after 6 months one day they got caught resulting in total chaos and drama. My brother was heartbroken and devastated , Friendship between the two couples went down the drain, my brother dumped his wife, the other couple remained together for the sake of their children. Everyone was heartbroken and devastated (even the cheating couple), and all for 6 months of secret passionate sex. My brothers ex wife fell into a depression after my brother dumped her.

maybe some of these situations can have a happy ending,? defo not my brothers case.

Yes. I was in the position- left marriage of 10 years and have been with my current husband- very happily- for 20 years. MN will have you believe that anyone who has an affair is amoral but real life is not like that. Wouldn’t bother asking in here though- there’s literally zero nuance . The once a cheater always a cheater narrative prevails and there’s no distinction between serial philanderers and people who fall in love while already married.

It’s very apparent neither of us are happy at home and we very much have the same needs and wants.

So are you asking if its possible you've fallen in love from the affair or him, or oth of you?

You probably hsve or some kind of infatuation/limerence.

As for him .....

While there are exceptions, as a general.rule, women cheat for emotional reasons and often develop strung feelings from having sex.

Men, however, often do not cheat for emotional reasons (they cheat for novel sex) and they are much less likely to develop feelings from having sex (they don't get hit by oxytocin as much).

In many cases if the woman asks a cheating man to leave his partner, he will shot himself, flake and have lots and lts of reasons (excuses) for not doing it ... or not doing it right now, which will extend and extend.

So, does it matter if you're in love; if he's not (and prepared to leave). If hes not, your affair will peter out eventually.

Ask.him to leave abd I put money on him saying he can't in the near future due to blah blah blah. The reality is probably that he's going nowhere u less his partner finds out abbd throws him out, in high case you'll get him only because she doesn't want him.

You disgust me. I am in the other side of a similar situation, there are two marriages and 3 young children involved plus two spouses who have been lied and cheated on and shown no respect or decency.
The devastation caused by situations like this is far reaching all due to the selfishness of people who show no care or consideration for anyone else apart from themselves.
There is always some kind of ‘I can’t help it’ or ‘it just happened’ excuse when it takes a lot of active decisions to cheat on your partner and lie to people who love you.

Well they won’t love you when the shit hits the fan and it will serve you right. You will lose friends and family and not be able to spend as much time with your children. It will turn into a nightmare and you will have the added guilt that it could have been prevented and is down to your choices.

You make me sick, if you really think you will both have a great future together while everyone else understands that it must be ‘true love’ you are deluded. Your life and his will get worse than you could ever imagine, I’m in the middle of it but at least I’m not the dirty cheat shagging a friend and I won’t have that guilt to live with.

If you want the affair to continue then you need to ask yourself:

Why am I doing this? What's missing in my marriage? Can I fix it?

Do I want to be with my husband? Or am I just not wanting to leave?

Can you cope with the guilt?

Are you willing to do it very subtly? You have been brazen. You need to see what happens when you turn down the heat.

What does the other guy want?

If you are unhappy with your husband then you can leave him. Yes, it's nit good for the kids. But wouldn't you rather they knew you had a new partner now than when it comes out 25 years down the line.

My mums friend had a long time affair with a married guy. His family didn't know. When his wife died she appeared as his new love within 6 months. Didn't take long to suss out she'd been around a while. It's caused so much fail out..

How would you feel if your partners were doing what you are doing?

Would you think, good for them and their love affair?

I suspect that you would think differently.

Chances are they're doing just that. People shagging best friends' partners because they just "can't help it" and "it just happened" think they're so special and no one knows.

They're not and people know.

My mum cheated on my dad when i was in primary school, i hated her the minute i found out and havent seen her since i was 14. The guy she cheated with cheated on her and now she's alone and regrets some of her choices.
All the best OP.

No judgement these things happen. I had an affair a few years ago.
Marriage wasn't in a great place when it happened (not an excuse) and before I knew it I was having an affair with someone I worked with. We travelled a lot for work at the time so spent a lot of time together. I thought it was love at the time but in hindsight it was probably intense lust/ being very happy with someone else.
Unless you want to destroy your family and his call it off, cut ties, end it all.
I changed jobs and fought for my marriage. I'm ashamed of what I did and I think if I'd left my husband for him I'd forever be the wicked other woman- not many relationships would stand that.
Like a pp said, what's missing in your marriage? I believe people (especially when kids are involved) usually have affairs because they are missing something in their own relationship.

No judgement to you but I will say it's just the excitement & temptation to want something knowing it's not yours and you can't really have. To put it blunt it is not real love and it's just fairy tales in your imagination because reality once your partners find out, it will hit like a ton of bricks and 9/10 one of u is bound to change their mind and want to fight for their family. It's that saying " you don't know what you have until it's gone". Also, something I almost always see is the same way you got them is the same way you'll lose them.

You feel deep in and feel you want to fight for this love but I promise it's not worth losing your family over it. I would suggest cutting ties and moving on.

Best of luck with it all

All the best and positivity op, I'm no angel in this reguard, my perspectives are, feelings can and do develop naturally, maybe not at first especially in the lust phase, but after a while and general chatting and knowing each other more, after a while those feelings can develop more naturally, I guess the method I used was each day, being appreciative of the bond we had developed but I also knew we could.Not risk the fallout, and that it was purely a business arrangement so to speak. We did become close, but maintained restrictions on the development of the practicalities of what was at stake.

You will be caught and there will be fallout, you are not a bad person you are a bored person, form a new habit that is good for your Family or come clean and see where it all goes.
"It’s very apparent neither of us are happy at home and we very much have the same needs and wants."
Have you actually talked about it and are you on the same page?

I know of 2 different sets of 'partner swops' - one lot of 2 couples both successful long and happy 2nd marriages.

• one lot of 2 couples ended up breaking up.

So it is possible and about the same odds of most marriages.

The thing is you both have to decide to leave your marriages for each other, and I'm not sure that happens very often.

We both very much want each other but don’t want to ruin our families at the same time.

That ship has sailed, you’ve already ruined the families. It’s just damage limitation from here on.

Grow up.

Yes of course it's possible but you both have to separate from your partners first

You are in control of your arms and lips and even to some extent your thoughts. You're choosing to do and indulge this, revelling in it in your mind.

It's up to you what you do now but there is a chance your lover would end up cheating on you too if you got with him (or that you'd cheat on him.)

I love the 'we found ourselves' like it was just oops, we are having sex, how did that happen.

I imagine you took your knickers off and him likewise and you decided to have a shag.

The sneaking off in your own family homes for a grope is like an episode from a cheesy comedy from the 80s.

Imagine the fall out and betrayal caught mid act. Perhaps by one of your own children. Have some bloody moral conscience.

Maybe it is true love. But you are making it on a bed of misery for others.

Let's say tomorrow his dick is cut off. Will you stay with him for better or for worst ? How much of his dick do you want and how much of him do you want ? Let's say in 5 years time he has super early onset dementia or a severe brain injury when he does not remember you ? Will you stay by his side and spoon feed him, because he his the true love of your life ? What about your current husband ?
If you " can't help it happen " well you will not be able to make it continue right ? It comes and it goes as it flows ? True love is a verb that goes way beyond sex. A commitment based on truths and very harsh reality.
This is why it is worth fighting for.
What it takes to start an affair is not what it takes to start a stable relationship. What it takes to start a stable relationship is not what it takes to keep it going.
If you get caught you have 99% chance to get dumped by your husband. Whatever your husband faults, you are usually done forever. You will be the mean one. His wife might still want to forgive your shag. So you are most at risk of loosing everything.
Think a lot and act appropriately. If you want him you have to renounce what you have right now. Openly and honestly. ("renouncing any other, right ? ) You are still ambivalent about it, and you are playing a scenario in your head were everything is for the best when it really is not. By the time you have dealt with your future ex, he might be back to rosie wife. And if it's really love, this is a reality that you should be ready to accept. Love is free and does not take prisoners, it does not keep hostages, you are accountable to yourself while the other is actually free. The magic of it is when the both of you agree to work together in the same direction.
The title of your thread in itself is so interesting. You
know it is not love. You know you are living a lie... You are asking yourself if it's possible because you know it's not. You are asking yourself about falling in love because even at this point you haven't yet fallen for the guy. So why are you doing this?

I would take a pause to assess my reality and this cannot be done by a bunch of strangers -me on internet.
Perhaps you are in an abusive relationship, perhaps you have given up on your marriage, perhaps a lot of things. We don't know.
If I were in an unhappy marriage, a soul destroyer, a deadbeat, thing, I would get out of it and heal first, to be in the best place to meet a new partner. Because all the ugly issues of this first marriage will show up in any subsequent relationship. They come all pretty and well arranged in your luggages. It seems he has a couple too. You know this too, and yet you haven't seen the real iceberg, only the tip, you are not in a daily relationship with him.

You're confusing love with infatuation.