Is it Possible to fall in love from an affair

[3117e]

So I really need some non judgmental advice please.
If your going to tell me how much of a bad person I am please don’t I already know!

So me and my partner became friends with another couple who we met through friends. Over time we got closer and closer until the 4 of us pretty much became best friends. They have 2 primary aged children and we have 1.

Anyway over a period of time me and her partner became close like really close friends but it became apparent that we both fancied each other etc;

Anyway fast forward a few months we find ourselves having a full blown affair any opportunity we bet we’re ‘at it’ the passion in it is just something else, something I’ve never had with my partner.

If we’re wt each other’s houses and I go to the toilet he finds and excuse to come upstairs to grab me or kiss me if only for a few seconds. We’ve spoke and both said no feelings were ever meant to come into it but they have.

Anyway I find myself thinking about him literally day and night; we see each other regularly as friends or one on one.

It’s very apparent neither of us are happy at home and we very much have the same needs and wants.

Jokes have been made by other friends saying how me and him are alike and my partner and his partner are alike how we should swap.

But I just want to know is it possible to keep this going?

We both very much want each other but don’t want to ruin our families at the same time.

Please no hate I hate myself enough but sometimes you can’t help it.

This about 10years down the line. You qre togther you are washing his pants listening to him snore and he's found qnother person to sneak off with a parties.
It's just boredom
Be careful this coule destroy the other people involved

But this isn't the great love of our times. It's the boring, sordid story of two selfish cowards that we've all heard a million times before.

This! Honestly OP, it's a story that is as old as time itself. Yes, it might just work out, but there is going to be a lot of destruction caused in the process and people are going to be badly hurt. Would it all be worth it if it turns out to be just another case of wanting something forbidden? As for asking for some non judgemental advice

MN will have you believe that anyone who has an affair is amoral but real life is not like that.

That's because anyone who has an affair while still married is amoral, and real life is just like that.

This is really bad. It WILL end in heartbreak, you won't skip off happily into the sunset. affairs don't go like that. It's disgusting that you kiss ans grope each other with your partners in the house 🤢 also clearly shows that both of you, or at least one of you, is only into this because of the thrill of sneaking around and that it's not based on genuine love or respect or just any form of decency.

You're on a hiding to nowhere. There are young children, partners to consider. That's a big 'pull'. When it comes down to it, what makes you think he'd be away from his children and go through a messy divorce just for you?

So much stacked against you and you think this will end as some kind of dream love happy ever after? I bet he shags you in toilet - just, basic. Why are you letting a man use you? You are confusing illicit sex with love, and presenting yourself to this man as an easy score.

Shit happens I won't bother to judge you for having an affair. But I do judge you for being an entirely silly woman, and an unkind 'friend'.

Ask him to leave his partner for you, tell him you'll do same. I bet you won't like the answer you get.

You could be in love, but what difference does it make? This is what's happening regardless of whether it's love or not.

I was the child caught up in this mess once. Be careful and put your child first. It can all come tumbling down on you at any point, and the affect on your child will be huge

OP if you’re in love with this man what do you think is going to happen while you’re trying not to hurt your families.

Even if by some means you were able to live a double life, that love you feel for the bloke is never going to materialise into a relationship is it? You’ll just stay each other’s bit on the side and what’s the point of that?

If you have an affair and fall in love because of that affair, then you have to see it through along with all the fallout.

If you’re not prepared to do that, if you’re not prepared for the fact you will lose friends, family, possibly your children, then it’s not love, it’s lust.

I know people. Who have left marriages to be with someone else and who are still together decades later. And they have decent relationships with the kids and with their ex’s. But the difference is that they knew that becoming involved was wrong, and as soon as they realised they had feelings for one another they ended their marriages. FWIW I don’t believe you should hold on to a marriage if your feelings for your partner change, even if that means you have developed feelings for someone else. But if the marriage is over then it is over regardless of your feelings for someone else. You don’t just test the waters first and see if the grass is greener.

I read somewhere that if an affair is the real thing then generally people leave their marriage within 6 weeks. If someone carries on with their wife despite having an affair then it’s just an affair and is never going to materialise into something else.

Well yes, of course it is possible. In the same way that it’s possible that you will win the lottery, or get run over by a bus. Is it likely? I can only echo pps….men tend to have affairs for the cheap thrill, not because they have any emotional involvement. Maybe he does think you’re the love of his life, but I wouldn’t bet the farm on it…which is what you are doing! And even if you do decide it’s luuurrvvveeeee……you are going to create your own happiness at the expense of literally everyone around you. But then, you are already doing that. There are enough threads on here from people who have found out that their partner is having an affair to demonstrate the absolute devastation it causes. Affairs absolutely do not “just happen” in the same way that abuse or drink driving don’t just happen. It’s a series of shitty, selfish, entitled choices. Which you appear entirely happy to make. So crack on but be prepared for the nuclear fall out that is inevitable. Alternatively, my DGM, on discovering my DM was having an affair issued what I believe to be very sound advice….”you need to close your legs and open your mind”…..you could try that, which I think will work out better for all involved.

Another OP disappears after not getting the results they want from the post.

I know you want non-judgemental views OP but I've been on the receiving end of similar situation (we weren't all friends). It's properly devastating is all I can tell you.

I don't know if you're trying invoke drama by this thread or if you're genuinely struggling. 🤷‍♀️

I'll play along - they are still together 10+ years later. Whether they are happy who knows.

Well possibly but think of all the people you are going to hurt in the long run. Is your love likely strong enough to survive on your own? because you'll lose your friendship group. The dc will all be devastated. Are they are school together? So awkward. Will it be as fun when your washing his pants rather than stealing illicit moments together (don't think no one has noticed you both disappearing btw)

Right Thankyou for the non judgmental and the very judgmental replies.

so first of all none of us are married (not saying this makes a difference but please don’t just assume). Me and my partner have been together 7 years and there have been issues for the last 3! They have been together 4 years having issues for the last 2!

when I said ‘we found ourselves having an affair’ let me put some context behind it.

we clearly both fancies each other for the last 12 months however neither of us acted on it. One day it just happened we were I. That situation and we kissed.

yes we actively made the decision too start something after this

we both have very high sex drives do thing our respective partners don’t have. But yes this is more than just sex!

I have never once in my life looked at another man whilst in a relationship until I met this guy so please do not call me disgusting etc. we’re all human we ALL make mistakes. So those on a high horse who believe they have never made a mistake bravo to you

however we have spoke about been together and reading a few responses on here kind of makes me think I’m into him more than he is me. He says he can’t picture himself been in the relationship in a years time but yes I totally agree if he wanted me he would leave her.

so Thankyou for those who have given genuine advice. I’m not proud of myself for any of this so please don’t think I am

Address those "long standing issues" in your relationships rather than sneak around with someone else.

No sympathy hear I'm afraid. My father did exactly the same with a family friend and totally broke our family.

How can they have 2 primary age dc if they have only been together 4 years?

One is hers one is there’s

It doesn't really sound all that great, and the length of each of your relationship indicates that their is already a situation with stepchildren? Sorry if I'm confused but if they have been together 4 years how can they have two primary aged children? It's really messy, and not likely to get much better by the sounds of it.

Name change? Still it's impossible to get from pre conception to primary within 4 years even if they got pregnant on the first day they got together? I mean you're pregnant for 9 months and dc don't start school til 4 at the very earliest who still wouldn't have started school at this point in the year?

Roald Dahl wrote a story about this sort of thing. I got it out of the library when I was a kid and got more than I bargained for...

Stop sneaking about. Everyone does know.

My DH came home one night and said that one of the blokes where he'd been was all handsy with a particular woman. A year on they're shacked up and he's getting a divorce. Tho we reckon he'll have another couple of kids with this one and repeat. For DH to notice, it must have been bad.

I have never once in my life looked at another man whilst in a relationship until I met this guy so please do not call me disgusting etc. we’re all human we ALL make mistakes. So those on a high horse who believe they have never made a mistake bravo to you

No sorry nit accepting that. Nothing to being on a high horse and everything to do with having a moral compass.

A mistake is buying the wong milk or forgetting to book something.

Shagging your partners best friend is a concious decision. It isn't a mistake. You have constantly lied to your partner. Own it.

if he wanted me he would leave her.

If you wanted him you would leave your partner. Yet you won't.

Sigh. So much for sister solidarity. Can't even trust your best friend anymore.

You’ve already ruined your family. You’ve ripped it apart. It’s just your partner doesn’t know that yet.

This never just happens. Every relationship begins because of a series of choices - to not change the conversation, to meet up, to grow the connection, to find reasons to see each other. Affairs are no different, it’s just that with every one of those choices you’re accepting the possibility of devastating your partner, causing your child pain, and causing yourself the pain of having every second Christmas with your child and spending half your time separated from them.

None of that means you can’t love your affair partner. Many people will. It’s a shame it’s a love grown in poisoned soil.

It sounds like their child is younger than you said. I'm wondering how young?
I don't expect you will answer but it sounds like it might be something you have intentionally misrepresented because it make you feel uncomfortable and because it doesn't suit the romantic spin of the relationship?

If the child is very young and you have believed he has clearly fancied you for over a year. Well it doesn't leave a good taste does it?

@WantedToBeGeorgie either that or the couple have been together far longer than she said and she's reduced it to make it sound less bad. I I mean it doesn't but maybe op is trying to justify it that way

I think you should both come clean to your current partners and leave. You sound really lovely and so does the guy who follows you upstairs to grab and kiss you while his partner is downstairs. I think you have met your soulmate., and you deserve all that relationship brings you

I’m not trying to justify anything. He has one step child and there child together is just of primary age starting in September