Is it Possible to fall in love from an affair

[3117e]

So I really need some non judgmental advice please.
If your going to tell me how much of a bad person I am please don’t I already know!

So me and my partner became friends with another couple who we met through friends. Over time we got closer and closer until the 4 of us pretty much became best friends. They have 2 primary aged children and we have 1.

Anyway over a period of time me and her partner became close like really close friends but it became apparent that we both fancied each other etc;

Anyway fast forward a few months we find ourselves having a full blown affair any opportunity we bet we’re ‘at it’ the passion in it is just something else, something I’ve never had with my partner.

If we’re wt each other’s houses and I go to the toilet he finds and excuse to come upstairs to grab me or kiss me if only for a few seconds. We’ve spoke and both said no feelings were ever meant to come into it but they have.

Anyway I find myself thinking about him literally day and night; we see each other regularly as friends or one on one.

It’s very apparent neither of us are happy at home and we very much have the same needs and wants.

Jokes have been made by other friends saying how me and him are alike and my partner and his partner are alike how we should swap.

But I just want to know is it possible to keep this going?

We both very much want each other but don’t want to ruin our families at the same time.

Please no hate I hate myself enough but sometimes you can’t help it.

@liveforsummer

Yes, it can be easy to get in a muddle because you want to change the times etc so your less identifiable as well i suppose. It was just a thought.

Of course it's possible

But that doesn't help your situation

You can't stay in couples and cheat in the background long term

It will eat away at both of you and only make the eventual fallout worse for everyone, especially the children.

You need to have a think about whether you are willing to leave your partner. Irrespective of having this man to fall back on.

we clearly both fancies each other for the last 12 months however neither of us acted on it. One day it just happened we were I. That situation and we kissed.

@3117e After that you could've said 'oh no, we shouldn'tve done that' and not done it again. Having kissed once doesn't mean you have to keep at it. You can stop at any time.

If there are that many problems in your relationship with your partner, then you should leave. You definitely shouldn't be getting off with anyone except your partner until you've left.

I’m shocked at the amount of bitterness in the posts and judgemental posters. I’m hoping all those on their high horse are “hollier than thou”. Op’s relationship has cracks and sounds like she’s trying to figure her stuff, we don’t know what her partner is up to. Her situation is not really deal, she’s fully aware and didn’t asked to be lectured.

Classy 😂

Oh please.

You know how many posters lives may have been torn apart by affairs like OPs?

Cracks in your relationship doesn't mean go out and shag your partners best friend.

Hardly figuring out her stuff whilst lying to her partner and her own best friend is she.

OP knows none of it is ok otherwise she would tell her partner and her best friend. My money is on she won't. It will remain a dirty secret.

So figure it out without fucking the friend. It really isn't hard.

The whole thing is silly. The relationships are over. OP should leave her partner and be alone. If her lover wants her and she is deee he will leave too, but the only 1/2 way moral thing is to acknowledge the relationship with partner is over, exit, accept the risks that that might mean being alone.

I do not like when people are caller "bitter" when they are react strongly to something like infidelity. Infidelity hurts a lot of people and the OP asked for advice on if it was possible to continue an affair (and all that comes alongside it), without destroying her relationship. I don't think anyone needs to apologise for their responses tbh. It's mumsnet, I'm sure there are plenty other places/forums where she will get a kinder response. The kinder response won't change the difficulty of the situation. I actually don't have personal experience of infidelity but I know a lot of people who have been. It's really disturbing the reach it can have in the hurting the people involved and their children. It's very destructive.

My husband had an affair and left me. The pain was indescribable, but I got past it. What I will never recover from is feeling like a food and realizing he stole more than a decade of my life. Really, do your partner a favor and leave.

I had an affair with a friend when I was married to my first husband. That came from nowhere and yes we fell in love. It did end up quite messy when we confessed to our partners but we wanted to be together

A few years down the line, I honestly believe that he is my soulmate. We are married and have twins on the way. So yes it’s totally possible

So, people are 'bitter' because they don't agree that fucking a friend's partner is just fine and OP should carry on kissing her AP with their partners downstairs?

Yeah, absolutely not. Be a grown-up and end your relationship if you want to fuck and think you love someone else.

What exactly is she figuring out other than her affair timetable?

A not ideal situation is double booking your weekend plans or having to defer on a payment on something.

I am the "bitter" child who witnessed cheating in my own family. It has taken me years to recover from that, years in which I was cheated on by an ex. I had to have therapy and to go on AD to sort myself out. I still have my own issue to battle. So yeah, excuse me for not being too understanding but I don't give a damn.
If the OP wants non-judgemental comments perhaps she should see a therapist.

@SliceOfCakeCupOfTea What exactly is she figuring out other than her affair timetable?

she’s figuring out her path, which man she wants to be with. Her options are limited so I believe she already knows her answer. She might also realise her relationship is not working and do something about it. With crisis comes change.

My dad has been happily married for many years now to the woman he had an affair with. Him and my mum had been married 25 years when the affair was exposed and they separated.

Not saying it's morally right (no judgement from me) but it does and can happen.

I wouldn't want to sleep with someone who I knew was sleeping with someone else, no thank you.

Whatever happens, what you're doing can't keep happening - you're hurting other, innocent people in this that don't deserve it.

You need to separate the two imo.

1. You need to decide if you and your partner have something you want to work on together or if it's end of the road. You've complicated this further by adding in the dilemma of really needing to be honest about your actions if you want the relationship to succeed and stand a chance.

1. With regards to the other man - is it him you like or is it the excitement and "naughtyness" you like? They're both very different things.....

You can't make a decision on your affair partner while you still have a actual partner. If it's not right with your partner, leave him. If you and your affair partner ever find yourself single at the same time then by all means date and give it a go. My assumption is you won't find both of you single and free to date because in most cases at least one side of the affair has no intention of splitting up with their partner and simply wants to have their cake and eat it too.

M

she’s figuring out her path, which man she wants to be with. Her options are limited so I believe she already knows her answer. She might also realise her relationship is not working and do something about it. With crisis comes change.

Having an affair of your own choosing is not a crisis.

I also doubt that the 'figuring out the path' would fly on here if it were a man posting.

He says he can’t picture himself been in the relationship in a years time

This is your answer then. He's just enjoying shagging you. 🤷‍♀️

I was the child when my mum did this to my dad. We used to go round to the blokes house with his wife and kids for dinner.

Feel free to ask how it was for me. Ask me anything, anything apart from how is my mum -not spoke to her for 18 years

Infidelity is not a mistake, the first kiss could possibly pass off as the initial mistake, so you can stop the it was a mistake line.

You have now made a conscious decision to carry out an affair.

Affairs blow families apart from the inside out, your both selfish and disgusting, if your not happy, leave your partners.

Your lusting after sex, what about the kids mixed up in your mess when this eventually comes out.

There is a reason this provokes such a response from people, think about that for a moment.

yes it is possible
people do fall in love when married to other people
and yes sometimes you have married the 'wrong' man/woman.
and yes , despite the holier than thou attitude on MNs this sometimes is in an affair.
I did...and reader i married him
I had an affair, and it was the worse thing i have ever done on one hand, and i never ever advocate for affairs, but it was the catalyst to end both our dead inthe water marriages ( though some years later and yes a lot of heartache all round).
My DP and I are definitely right for each other, and are very happy.
However during our affair we did a lot more than just have sex, we spent time together, travelled, had health scare, a car crash, bought a pet, went to the theatre, went out for dinner, ...sort of lots of normal couple stuff.
we knew we wanted 'normal' life together.
we actually ended the affair and did not see each other for 5 years, but when we met again nothing had changed except we had both got divorced so we did not necessarily leave for each other, we left not knowing what would happen, but knowing we did not love our spouses, and we had fallen in love with someone else.

So for the OP i would say ...tread carefully...if you literally have just met for sex then no you are not falling in love with a person, you are in affair fantasy land, and you are in love with the dopamine hits you are getting.

you may not feel the same if you are in a mundane ' whose turn is it to put the bins out' routine and life with this man.

That said , you should not stay with your husband if you genuinely do not want to be with him, but do not leave thinking this man will be the answer...leave because you do not want to be married to your husband anymore.

@Theredjellybean

You shared a pet with your affair partner? How did that work?

I’ve been on here for about 15 years and have had my first ever deletion on your thread, OP.

So I’ll just say this.

Your behaviour is beyond the pale. Leave your husband- he and your kids don’t deserve this.