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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Trigger Warning- sexual assault/spousal abuse

318 replies

ELL2478 · 14/08/2022 11:55

Trigger warning- sexual assault/spousal abuse

I posted on the forum last night about my husband having sex with me while i was asleep and his attitude indicating he thought he'd done nothing wrong. I seemed to have upset a lot of people however and had my account reported as a troll and deleted twice. I apologise for not leaving a trigger warning and am mortified that Iv upset people. Iv been debating posting on here for months because of this particular problem and can't believe how bad it went. So sorry again!

OP posts:
IfIHadAHeart · 14/08/2022 12:45

Hi OP, I’m really sorry about some of the responses to your threads last night. It seemed to get out of hand pretty quickly, but that’s not your fault.

When you’ve brought this up with your H, what has he said? This is an awful situation to be in, not to feel safe when you close your eyes to sleep. The only advice we can give you is to leave him and, if you feel strong enough, to consider reporting him to the police. This is rape.

i know last night you said you were short on time, hopefully you can stick around today to get some support. Are you scared of him in other ways? Are you safe right now?

Original poster
ELL2478 · 14/08/2022 12:54

Hi there. Thank you for your reply. I didn't see many messages last night but was informed it got out of hand so I apologise again. Its not happening often like every night. Wev been together for 6 years married for 4 nearly. But since my son was born 19 months ago it's been happening more frequently. The thing is when it's happened and Iv woken up I havent stopped it but have just laid there because I don't want to cause a scene (I know this sounds stupid). When Iv mentioned he shouldn't do it because Im asleep he turns it into a joke and says stuff like 'do i need to sign or contract,' or 'are u telling me I need consent from my wife.' Sometimes he backtracks and says he can't remember but last time it happened he said it was like 'f*ing a corpse' and I 'should be proud'.
I am safe tho yes he has never laid a finger on me

OP posts:
OverTheHillAndDownTotherSide · 14/08/2022 12:57

It’s rape without active consent.

Ask how he fancies finding out how it feels to be raped in your sleep in prison.

Mischance · 14/08/2022 12:58

Tell him you do not want him to do the ever again. Simple statement; ignore his sarcastic responses and simply repeat statement.

Do you want to stay with him? If so you need to stop this right now. It is sick to want to have sex with someone who is unresponsive and cannot share the pleasure.

I had this with my OH - but he had a degenerative brain disorder.

SugerNiner · 14/08/2022 13:00

It's rape. He needs consent from his wife. I'm thinking of you.

bloodyunicorns · 14/08/2022 13:00

OverTheHillAndDownTotherSide · 14/08/2022 12:57

It’s rape without active consent.

Ask how he fancies finding out how it feels to be raped in your sleep in prison.

This.

He sounds vile, op: he knows what he's doing and he just doesn't care. You don't deserve this. Can you tell anyone IRL?

Opentooffers · 14/08/2022 13:01

Yes, exactly any husband does need consent from their wife.

Original poster
ELL2478 · 14/08/2022 13:04

I honestly don't know if I want to stay with him. I love him and we have two kids. I also have nowhere to go and no money. And he's a good dad. I wouldn't cope on my own. I don't have anyone to talk to really which is why I came here. He's not violent but he can be a bit controlling in some ways especially with money but I think he is just very careful financially. I was 24 early 25 when we met he was 41 so he was a lot more experienced in money matters.

OP posts:
Original poster
ELL2478 · 14/08/2022 13:05

Thanks for your reply. I think that's just it I honestly don't know if he thinks it's alright or an act of love by how he speaks, or if he knows its not ethically right.

OP posts:
Mollyplop999 · 14/08/2022 13:07

Didn't see the thread but just wanted to say I hope you are OK.

PawPrintsInMyPansies · 14/08/2022 13:09

oh my dear! This is not an ‘act of love’. He knows exactly what he is doing.

please, if you can’t leave straight away, start making plans to. Would you want your children to have partners like this? This is no life xx

Original poster
ELL2478 · 14/08/2022 13:25

Thank you for all your responses it has made me feel I was right to feel upset by it. TBH it has made me lose a lot of respect for him and puts me off having sex at all. It is very difficult because by all other accounts he is a good husband he works hard, compliments me all the time, and loves us all. I have no idea where to go if I leave. We are married but the mortgage and everything else in all in his name, I work only two days a week and most of that goes on clothes etc. for the kids and my credit card debt! We do not have a joint bank account or anything. And he says I cannot be on the mortgage as Im not contributing financially which is fair enough.

OP posts:
roarfeckingroarr · 14/08/2022 13:29

He's financially and sexually abusing you.

It doesn't matter if you're on the mortgage - you're married so joint owners.

Original poster
ELL2478 · 14/08/2022 13:31

roarfeckingroarr · 14/08/2022 13:29

He's financially and sexually abusing you.

It doesn't matter if you're on the mortgage - you're married so joint owners.

Thank you for clarifying this.

OP posts:
Bumpsadaisie · 14/08/2022 13:36

He's not a good dad. What kind of a father treats the mother of his children like this!

And er, yes? You do need the consent of your wife before you have sex with her. What planet has this man been living on for the last three decades?

AceSpades54321 · 14/08/2022 13:37

Can you get in contact with Woman’s Aid for advice and support? What he is doing is completely wrong and is abusing you, raping you. You are trauma bonded to him, you need to break free to be able to see clearly what he is doing is sooooo wrong. I’m in absolute shock that someone would do that to you, let alone your partner.

justabigdisco · 14/08/2022 13:41

OP you need to clarify two points with him and make it crystal clear

  1. yes he still needs to gain consent from his wife - you do not become his property when you say ‘I do’
  2. as a PP said - tell him he is never to do this ever again and if he does, he now knows it is without your consent and therefore rape
Original poster
ELL2478 · 14/08/2022 13:45

justabigdisco · 14/08/2022 13:41

OP you need to clarify two points with him and make it crystal clear

  1. yes he still needs to gain consent from his wife - you do not become his property when you say ‘I do’
  2. as a PP said - tell him he is never to do this ever again and if he does, he now knows it is without your consent and therefore rape

I have a problem with being assertive with him, I have no idea why. The last time it happened I said the next day he shouldn't do it when Im asleep because its not consensual, and he replied with what I said in my earlier post and just made a joke about it being rape. Im really not sure what his line of thought is.

OP posts:
Original poster
ELL2478 · 14/08/2022 13:46

AceSpades54321 · 14/08/2022 13:37

Can you get in contact with Woman’s Aid for advice and support? What he is doing is completely wrong and is abusing you, raping you. You are trauma bonded to him, you need to break free to be able to see clearly what he is doing is sooooo wrong. I’m in absolute shock that someone would do that to you, let alone your partner.

Im not sure what trauma bonded means but I will look it up. I may contact them if I feel I have the courage at some point.

OP posts:
Original poster
ELL2478 · 14/08/2022 14:40

I know people will say I should leave but I would feel guilty doing that in way, because he is actually really caring and showers me with compliments, keeps a roof over my head and food on the table. And I know he would be crushed if I left him. It sounds silly I know but in a way Im so frightened of hurting or disappointing him. He was married before and long story short we all work in the same (big) building and I have heard whispers from other people that his wife accused him of being controlling. I also know she recently attempted suicide and in hospital mentioned him as though he was a reason. But he says she was manipulative and it does seem she has some mental health issues TBH, which isn't her fault.

OP posts:
OverTheHillAndDownTotherSide · 14/08/2022 15:10

This is getting worse. Maybe he terrorised her into her mental health issues. Raping her in her sleep. Abusing her financially like he is you.

Seriously. Wake up.

if this was your best friend you’d be telling her to get out.

good husbands don’t rape their wives.

good fathers don’t abuse the mother of their children.

He’s strung you up like a kipper.

BadNomad · 14/08/2022 15:10

Clearly his ex was correct. I very much doubt his raping started with you. This is not a good man.

OverTheHillAndDownTotherSide · 14/08/2022 15:17

What was your childhood like, OP? Any reason your self worth is so low?

Original poster
ELL2478 · 14/08/2022 15:17

OverTheHillAndDownTotherSide · 14/08/2022 15:10

This is getting worse. Maybe he terrorised her into her mental health issues. Raping her in her sleep. Abusing her financially like he is you.

Seriously. Wake up.

if this was your best friend you’d be telling her to get out.

good husbands don’t rape their wives.

good fathers don’t abuse the mother of their children.

He’s strung you up like a kipper.

I would disagree financially as he left her everything in the divorce the house, dogs etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
ELL2478 · 14/08/2022 15:20

OverTheHillAndDownTotherSide · 14/08/2022 15:17

What was your childhood like, OP? Any reason your self worth is so low?

Its a bit low maybe. Erm not the best but not the worst. A lot of problems with my dad. I was also raised in a controlling religion so my opinions are still a bit skewed because of that i would say.

OP posts:
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