Trigger Warning- sexual assault/spousal abuse

[ELL2478]

Trigger warning- sexual assault/spousal abuse

I posted on the forum last night about my husband having sex with me while i was asleep and his attitude indicating he thought he'd done nothing wrong. I seemed to have upset a lot of people however and had my account reported as a troll and deleted twice. I apologise for not leaving a trigger warning and am mortified that Iv upset people. Iv been debating posting on here for months because of this particular problem and can't believe how bad it went. So sorry again!

I’ve got a full bingo card here.

What do u mean sorry?

Your situation is classic. The rescuer has become the abuser. But you’re worried about upsetting him and finding excuses to offset the harm he’s doing by raping you (my DH of 20 years could give me a million compliments a day - if he laid a finger on me without consent he’d be gone). You even try to reason it’s because he understands more about life than you (because of a 15 year age gap) - a grown woman who has birthed children.

He’s even given you the classic “mental ex-wife” story.

if your daughter came to you and said this was happening to her, what would be your response? Put up with it because he pays the bills? Let your self respect be taken from you because he tells you you look nice?

You and your children are worth so much more.

He is a man who likes to fuck someone when they are unconscious. He is a man who is happy to fuck someone who is not fucking them back, but is lying there, shocked, and paralysed with fear about 'causing a scene'.

It doesn't matter whether he is nice the rest of the time, is the world's best dad, or even whether he gives £40 million to charity, OP. He is a rapist.

Tell me something - have you told any of your friends or family or work colleagues in that big building that he does this? Why not?

I wonder if his first wife told anyone that he raped her in her sleep. She told them that he was controlling and you now know that is true, don't you. I wonder if that is why he left her everything...

Have a read of this OP:

www.theguardian.com/society/2021/jun/15/the-sexual-assault-of-sleeping-women-the-hidden-horrifying-crisis-in-britains-bedrooms

No I could never tell them. Actually as far as Im aware from what my OH says they didnt have sex hardly at all because she suffered from vaginismus. The thing is hes not really controlling i cant think of anything he does that is controlling.

So he’s controlling but not controlling?

You, his wife and the mother of his children, don’t have any money.

does he need to lock you in an actual cupboard before you recognise that he’s a wrong ‘un?

what would you tell a daughter/sister/best friend who told you what you’ve posted here?

Sorry i didnt explain that well. I meant the only way he could be considered controlling is being very careful about what we spend and making most major decisions about the house. Bt he earns the money. He isnt controlling in other ways he doesnt tell me who i can or cannot see.

I suffered with vaginismus... after being raped. Honestly OP you're either on the wind up or totally brainwashed. I hope you get out of this horrid marriage and take your children with you.

I havent worked full time since having kids (3 and 1) because it wouldv meant paying for childcare. Im upping my hours to 22 however in october as were supposed to be moving house so he has got a bigger mortgage and says he needs me to contribute every month now.

He is financially controlling OP. You know he is, and you said it yourself.

And I would take anything he said about his ex wife as being simply his shopping list to you of things that you are now tying yourself in knots to avoid being the same. I would bloody well also have vaginisimus if my husband was raping me when I was asleep, if I knew that my husband had the specific sexual fetish for unresponsive women! And deep down, you feel the same, don't you?

You are already boxed into such a corner trying to prove you are not like her and therefore 'worthy' of his love and -ffs- worrying about HIS reaction if you left him. The fear you feel for yourself is so unpalatable a truth to you that you are projecting it onto him to make yourself feel OK and normal, and so it becomes fear of hurting his feelings. You are in enormous danger of losing any understanding of what is right or wrong or what you yourself actually want or feel.

No I could never tell them. Stop keeping his sick, dirty secrets for him. That is how abusers thrive - they make the abused complicit in keeping 'our little secret'. Why are you doing that? Feel what you are actually afraid of here. There is no shame on you. It is how rapists and abusers have always acted.

Tell someone in real life, OP. Let the clean air in on what is going on, or you will stay huddled in the dark trying to make this abuse alright by burying it deep deep DEEP.

He just rapes you. Nothing to worry about. (Clearly, as you’ve posted for help several times now.)

It’s the fairy tale, right? Kept woman, no say in major decisions or whether you want sex or not. It’s the 1950s all over again.

WHAT WOULD YOU SAY TO A DAUGHTER/SISTER/FRIEND WHO DESCRIBED WHAT YOU HAVE HERE?

Im really sorry to hear that.

Are u suggsting he could the reason why she suffered with them? Because that horrible thought has crossed my mind.
Im not on the wind up and im not trying to undermine actual abuse. I was raped too about 11 years ago, my husband knows this. Im not blind or willfully ignorant (well maybe a little). My head is just a complete mess with it all.

Of course you haven’t. Why wasn’t childcare his equal responsibility? Because he wants to control what you have the freedom to do yourself.

All the pieces are falling into place.

He does need consent. Marital rape was Illegal since 1991.

freeze is an actual legitimate response. It’s mine as well. It’s a safety mechanism your brain does to keep you safe. Your in danger. But if you let them get on with it your more likely to be left alone. it’s not just fight or flight.

hes not a good dad if he’s raping you, holds misogynistic views and financially controls you. - how would you feel if this was your child experiencing this in their marriage?

is he not controlling because you now know how to behave so he doesn’t need to control you anymore.

I’ve been where you are. The other side is a beautiful place. You can sleep properly, deeply and safely. Being “the prey” is utterly exhausting.

What would happen if you said you didn’t want to move?

Bloody hell.

He raped his poor wife and now he is raping you.

Controlling you.
Financially abusing you.

Coercive control.

He is committing multiple crimes.

Walk into any police station and ask for the domestic violence officer and tell your story.

See what they have to say about how he is treating you.

He is committing a serious crime.

Ring 101 or Women's aid and ask them.

We need a bigger house so the kids have their own room which is the reason for the move.

I am worried about the implications if I do this.

I don’t feel like you’re listening to everyone

why is childcare for your shared children your responsibility only? When it enables him to have children and still work

If i understand correctly, by you taking responsibility for childcare (for your shared children) you are unable to work and so you are to be punished financially?
and that seems fair to you?

he ignores you when you ask not to be raped and you’re unsure if that’s ok or not?

This is abusive. It's not an act of love. There is no care or respect here. You are an object to fuck. He likely watches porn and the degrading act of doing what he wants for his own gratification.

The fact he doesn't apologies and jokes about it is disgusting. You're his wife. Where is the respect.

If your daughter came to you and said her husband did this - what would your reaction be?
In fact ask your husband the same thing - would he think that's ok?

You need to be strong here and categorically say it doesn't happen again, and if it does you will look to dissolve the marriage as that's no loving partnership

Do they? Or do they need their mum to be mentally stable and not being raped? Which do you think will benefit them more

I don't know what you mean by punished financially because he pays all the mortgage and bills.

You are right about the second thing though his attitude is extremely disrespectful