Trigger Warning- sexual assault/spousal abuse

[ELL2478]

Trigger warning- sexual assault/spousal abuse

I posted on the forum last night about my husband having sex with me while i was asleep and his attitude indicating he thought he'd done nothing wrong. I seemed to have upset a lot of people however and had my account reported as a troll and deleted twice. I apologise for not leaving a trigger warning and am mortified that Iv upset people. Iv been debating posting on here for months because of this particular problem and can't believe how bad it went. So sorry again!

Some solicitors do a free first 30 mins.

Theres also women's aid legal help

Please don't let your poor children grow up with this being their main example of a relationship. I'm not sure if you have boys or girls, it doesn't really matter, do you really want either of them growing up and thinking this is what a healthy relationship looks like and emulating it when they get older? You might think they have no idea of what is happening, but they'll see a submissive and timid mother, who never stands up for herself and let's her husband dominate and abuse her. You can't hide this from them, even if you delude yourself and think you can.

Thank you for all this advice its really helpful. My mum wouldnt understand and probably wouldnt see anything wrong in it. My whole family love him to bits well everyone does actually. I only have two close friends but they are still part of my former religion which i dont think wud help. They have also neither had sex nor been in a relationship.

You have a pretty big age gap there.

I find many men who who for significantly younger women do so because they believe they can have an unequal relationship.

He actually sounds abusive from the behaviours you've mentioned.

And the having sex with someone who's sleeping is rape, and yes he does does active consent from any woman including his wife, for sex.

I have a boy and a girl. I understand what you're saying. My own dad used to shout and scare us all. OH isn't like that he rarely shouts sometimes at the kids bt never at me.

No. Because what you want is for him to admit he was wrong, say sorry and promise that he will change and you will all live happily ever after. It won't happen

I agree.

The very fact he's said "do I need consent from my wife" (and its and its real question, its a rhetorical question, its obvious he's saying he thinks he doesn't).

Unfortunately for him, the law changed a while back tk be in line with what anyone decent would know/think.- that you do need consent even for sex with a spouse and its a type of rape if you don't. Starting sex while someone is asleep makes ot impossible for them to.give consent.

i often have a sneaky feeling he likes to hurt me for pleasure, with silly things as examples like repeatedly taking the mick out of features i dont like, and dropping a pile of books and my hand for no reason.

He's an abuser and sadist.

I don’t think you see that you are being financially abused when everyone here is telling you you are
he pays the mortgage and bills - on what he keeps telling you is HIS house.
you use your money on paying for things for your shared children
Now he ‘expects’ you to contribute more because of the bigger mortgage. Will he be taking on more childcare then too?
does he have any spare money just for him? Do you?
does he have privileges because it’s his house?
even if not, it’s not right that you can’t be on the mortgage because you aren’t contributing - you are contributing your labour.

Just so you know I don’t have to try and be brave when I talk to my husband. Ever.
because he isn’t abusing me.

No money ....

If you qualify for Universal credit (which you're likely to if you don't earn quite a lot/wot lots of hours), you'll get;

Universal credit payment
Rental portion of us
85% of childcare paid while working
Relief on council tax
Free school meals and uniforms
Child benefit
Child maintenance from him.

Citizens advice can break it down for you.

Take a few days to think and calm down. Gather your thoughts. Make some plans. Work out your options.

Perhaps. I am now 31 he 48

*rental portion of Universal credit

do not confront him
he is a dangerous man. That’s why you freeze. It’s to keep you safe. It’s why you modify your behaviour, to keep you safe.

no one thinks your stupid
leaving is HARD. A lot of us have done it. I was raped in my relationship, took me about three years to realise and a further 5 to call it that.
take some time. Keep posting here, there’s a lot of support, talk to womens aid. They see this (sadly) day in day out. They will help you, support you and point you in the right direction for help.

Get your poor children out of this relationship.

This is exactly the point i was trying to make. I cant explain why but i am scared to mention certain things. I am also scared to ask for money. I often feel like im asking my dad for things, i felt that very much early on. But i had no idea why because i wasnt being hit.

This too, sounds like he's got you cowed and submissive.

Your parents don't realise what he's like, or if they do, then their values are.... wrong.

I'd be extremely uncomfortable abouut my daughter in her 20s marrying a man on his 40s , I'd be wondering why he hadn't married someone closer to his own age during his 20s or 30s.

I don't understand why they didn't think that way they should have been protecting and guiding you.

However many religions do a very poor job of protecting women and children, on fact they can directly facilitate facilitate exploitation and mistreatment.

My name isnt on the new mortgage yet but I will try and be brave and mention it to him tonight.

OP - do you not realise that you shouldn't need to be brave in order to discuss things with your own husband? You are supposed to be equal partners in a marriage, regardless of who earns what. It is perfectly possible for a man to shower his wife with gifts and treat her in some ways like a princess, while being a controlling partner who thinks of himself as the boss and the only one whose rights and desires matter. In fact it's pretty common.

He is raping you and making jokes about it ffs! He only feels confident enough to make jokes about it because hessure you're so under the thumb that you won't actually do anything about it. Please prove him wrong!

We don’t think you’re stupid
we think you’re in an incredibly difficult position, and you recognising your situation for what it is would turn your world upside down, you need to question everything you accept as truth and fairness here.
that’s not easy.
but you’re already starting the process which means your already closer to a happier life.

i don’t think you should confront him because it’s not going to matter. Do you want to be married to someone who thinks it’s ok to rape you. Or the sort of person you think enjoys hurting you? Does that sound healthy to you?

Don't know if Im allowed to name the religion or if I will get reported bt its pretty much the man is the head amd getting married is better than sex before marriage. I actually only got married instead of js living with him because my mum wudv been told to shun me (i was pregnant at the time). My OH has never been in the religion tho.

Look I know people here must think im really stupid.

Only a nasty person would think that.

There are a few on here but most aren't. Mostly people want to help and ard angry abd indignant on a poster like you'd behalf because of how you're being treated.
They take the tough love/blunt approach because they don't want to be wishy washy and ambivalent and leave you thinking its OK or not that bad.

I dont think you'restipud, i think you were vulnerable due to your age and religious background, you should have been looked our for and you weren't. He's a bit of a predator and he had established an unfair, unequal, abusive relationship.

You aren't stupid, sweetheart, you've been taken advantage of.

It's going to be tricky now for a while. You've seen what's happening. He won't like that. He'll try and get you back under control. You really do need to find some support somewhere.

I actually only got married instead of js living with him because my mum wudv been told to shun me

Disgraceful.
(The religion).

Well it's a good thing actually, because you have a shot at assets you wouldn't have had unmarried.

My OH has never been in the religion tho.

So he's just a common garden Chauvinist and abuser, rather than a religious one.

I think he was delighted to take advantage of your background/upbringing though.

Your wages would be in that too obviously.