Trigger Warning- sexual assault/spousal abuse

[ELL2478]

Trigger warning- sexual assault/spousal abuse

I posted on the forum last night about my husband having sex with me while i was asleep and his attitude indicating he thought he'd done nothing wrong. I seemed to have upset a lot of people however and had my account reported as a troll and deleted twice. I apologise for not leaving a trigger warning and am mortified that Iv upset people. Iv been debating posting on here for months because of this particular problem and can't believe how bad it went. So sorry again!

Evening everybody. I had a live webchat with a lovely lady from the national domestic abuse helpline. I said mostly what i have posted on here regarding the sex in sleep, his ex, money etc. She was very sure that it was abuse and even mentioned the 'r' word. She kindly advised me to take the time to process it all and guided me towards more help if needed.

you’ve made that step that first step well done as it’s bloody hard to do.

Has she said for you to report it. Has she said it can go on record but no charges till your ready. Not sure if that’s a thing or they press ahead these days with charges

have the said about refuge to go to when ready?
have they also said to phone when you need to?

No she didn't say any of those things. She told me there are support workers in my area apparantly.

Oh well done, that's such an important step.

Brilliant news OP, massive well done for taking that step for you and your childrens' futures.

You should be proud of doing so. Please do keep following through on focusing on the rest of your life free of this man

Well done! Brava!

I'm sure you're still reeling. I'm really glad you've had a successful chat with someone. It will give you some confidence that when you need them, you can get hold of them again.

Hardest bit's done now.

I was on both threads. Admin describing it as jumping the gun really downplays their failure there. The thread ‘got out of hand’ because night watch wasnt dealing with the repeatedly reported rape apologists. Nothing you put on that thread was the issue. It was a disgusting poster being a troll. They should have been banned immediately. The first thread could just have had a trigger warning added. None of that was your fault.

he is abusive, physically, sexually and financially and quite clearly emotionally too in the way you are afraid to talk to him, and you need to speak to Women’s Aid.

Massive apologies! I missed a few pages sorry. Well done for making contact.

You should be so proud of yourself, that's a huge step. Take time to adjust to everything and consider what you want to do next. If you feel safe, give yourself breathing space, you have had a lot to take on. Sending love xx

Well done! that's amazing

How are you feeling today? Probably a bit overwhelmed?

Yer it did really upset me tbh. The very first post though accused me of being a troll which i didnt understand. I only saw one most of saying its ok to have sex with someone in their sleep if its agreed beforehand and she does it with her partner.

Yes a bit overwhelmed and still confused. Its our anniversary in two weeks just before we move and i recieved a card today from his mum so felt a bit guilty.

Yes it was that poster who continued to behave in an appalling way. Because she had stated she does this to her husband i think she might have felt she had to go on and on and on justifying it, maybe even to herself, so she didn't feel ‘rapey’. Which she was called. It was awful. You were clearly very distressed, it had just happened, you had minutes while he was downstairs, yet this poster’s actions had the thread shut down with constant rape apologist language.

the first thread could have been dealt with by a trigger warning. I think the problem is timings of the post and that it was down to night watch to make the decisions. Dont take it personally.

Well done op
you should be really proud of yourself

Oh well done, OP! You were very, very brave to seek help. You have taken a first step towards looking after yourself and treating your safety, happiness and worth as though they are important and achievable.

Those feelings are entirely normal. I found it difficult to square the abuser that everyone told me he was, with the nice parts of him.

You have nothing to feel guilty for. For any relationship to thrive, it needs both people making the effort. If one's actions are actively sabotaging rather than feeding the relationship, the other can do nothing to fix that.

What part of the country are you in @ELL2478 I so hope you’re ok xx

Yes, he does need consent each and every time. The fact that you are his wife makes no difference to that basic fact. He does not own you and we are not living in Medieval times when men had 'conjugal rights' tf. It's rape. Please find the strength to leave him. Go to Women's Aid if necessary.

Please, please take this is a warning or you could very well end up feeling like his ex-wife. He IS controlling. Even the compliments and making you feel guilty are all forms of control.

Well done. You've taken the first step. You've heard somebody who deals with this sort of thing constantly categorise it as abuse. I hope that will help to move your thinking on and then you can act from here.

Btw he doesn't stop you seeing people because as you've said yourself, your family all like him (they fall for the superficial charm he displays which is an act) and you only have two friends who are too inexperienced with relationships to be able to advise you.

@Howtofeelnow north yorkshire x

Thank you being so kind still to post on this thread! Nothing drastic has happened these past few days. Me and OH have been tired and stressed with moving house and hasn't done anything untoward. If anything he is more loving because he suspects im a bit down. Its very confusing and i have to admit i do feel guilty about speaking bad of him and questioning his motives. But i will keep what has been said at the forefront of my mind and watch and wait i guess.

He's being more loving right now because he's a textbook abuser and it's part of the cycle that keeps victims in an abusive relationship.

If he is doing this to you when your children are in the room it is child abuse.
If he is doing this to you when your children aren't in the room it is disgusting and not normal at all. he is showing you that he owns your body.

Nothing sexual happens in front of my children i can assure you of that