Trigger Warning- sexual assault/spousal abuse

[ELL2478]

Trigger warning- sexual assault/spousal abuse

I posted on the forum last night about my husband having sex with me while i was asleep and his attitude indicating he thought he'd done nothing wrong. I seemed to have upset a lot of people however and had my account reported as a troll and deleted twice. I apologise for not leaving a trigger warning and am mortified that Iv upset people. Iv been debating posting on here for months because of this particular problem and can't believe how bad it went. So sorry again!

Nothing sexual happens in front of my children i can assure you of that

Nothing sexual happens in front of my children i can assure you of that

In fairness to posters concerned about this, he is at absolute best assaulting you while the children are in the house and could walk in, for example when he sexually assaults you and penetrates you when you're washing up. Typing that makes me want to cry for you and for your kids.

He is never aggressive with it or forceful but he will often touch me/penetrate me in inconvenient places like when im washing up and i do say no as its right in front of a window but he always has a way of making it into a joke if that makes sense.

After that post, someone asked you to confirm if he sexually assaults you in the day too and whether your children are at home when he does so.

You said: Well he touches me all the time and especially my intimate area hes obsessed with it. They are but they’re only young.

They might be young but children are sponges. They feel the atmosphere. They think what they see and feel is what normal looks like.

You cannot stay with this man OP, there's no way of doing so that is safe for you and your children.

@wellhelloitsme I understand what you're saying but is all very confusing. These past few days have been alright and he has listened to my wishes. He is also a brilliant dad as well who loves our kids more than anything. But as i said before i will see how it goes with an open mind.

He cannot be a truly brilliant dad to his children as he raped and sexually assaults their mother.

I'm sorry and I feel you're not perhaps ready at the moment to hear this, but bringing children up in an abusive home means they are exposed to abuse.

The NSPCC says: Exposure to domestic abuse is child abuse, and it can have a significant impact on a child's development, health and wellbeing.

A man who enjoys having sex with unconscious women in their bed, as well as sexually assaulting them in shared areas of the family home, is not a safe person for them to share a home with.

He might be capable of playing the role of a brilliant dad in the ways he wants to, at the times he wants to. But he is absolutely not one in reality.

OP,

It is clearly unpalatable to read but he sexual assaults regularly in the home with your young children around.

That is child abuse.
They should not be seeing anything but they are.

Everything @wellhelloitsme has written may be hard to read, I understand that.

However it is the truth.

Good men, good fathers are not rapists.

They do not sexual assault their wives.
They do not maul them.

Good men do not rape their wives in their sleep.

It really is that simple.

He is a rapist.

No matter how unpalatable it is to read.

I'm so sorry for you.

If you accept what pp are saying
your whole world will come crashing down and life as you know it is over
and so in pretending it’s not that bad, you are saving yourself until you are ready - that makes total sense.

youve also been brainwashed your entire life from the sounds of things, so you aren’t confident in your own feelings and thoughts - eg not wanting to be assaulted - enough to take such drastic action such as leaving / kicking him out, or what appropriate boundaries and healthy relationships look like
that makes total sense too.

but wether you accept it now or in a few years, it’s not ok what he’s doing, and ignoring it won’t make it better, won’t mean your children aren’t exposed to this abusive household and won’t make him be nice to you.

but it is a lot to come to terms with all at once. Stay safe op x

I really feel for you OP, but I have serious concerns for those children who by your own admission are witnessing your husband repeatedly molesting you.

This is sexual abuse & by not protecting them you are compliant in the abuse. I know its hard to hear & you're having a terrible time, but you must leave now & protect those children.

Excuse me, I am not compliant in any abuse!!! Like i have said before this isnt an occurance that happens everyday, my husband is out most of the time. And my children have never been in the room when we do anything sexual. Part of the reason i posted on here was out of concern for my children's future. I do everything to protect them so dont you dare judge me.

You were asked if he molested you in front of your kids. Your response was.

Well he touches me all the time and especially my intimate area hes obsessed with it. They are bt thrurr only young. And im a good mum they are my world

So, yes, they have been in the room when he grabs or touches your ‘intimate area’. That is sexual, and subjecting children to it is abuse. It doesn’t matter if it doesn’t happen every day, it should NEVER happen.

How are you still minimising this? Why are you still refusing to admit the negative impact this must be having on your children? You say they are your world and you do everything to protect them, but what are you actually willing to do? Not ‘anything’ or ‘everything’, what are the concrete practical actions that you are willing to take to safeguard their wellbeing?

@Cherchezlaspice i am not minimising it or denying it. Do u expect me to walk out with nowhere to go and turn our lives upside down in a matter of days? I have taken steps. I have spoken to a helpline which was difficult for me. I am thinking about what the next steps are. Ffs i cant do anything right on here.

Ffs i cant do anything right on here.

Gently OP, this isn't true as lots of us have been supportive while also being clear we understand the importance of you leaving as soon as is safe, for you and also for your children's sake.

I know that people have said things that are hard to hear but they are encouraging you to try to see the situation as objectively as possible as it's so hard not to minimise when the alternative, facing the stark reality that you and your children are currently living with a rapist, is both painful and terrifying.

This thread can be a source of strength, support and useful resources

If you keep saying ‘nothing sexual has happened in front of the kids’ when you’ve already told us it has, then you are both minimising and denying.

And I’m not expecting you to have walked out already, no. However, it’s troubling that you are still refusing to admit that this man is abusive. You are still refusing to admit he’s been raping you. You are still refusing to admit that this is a toxic atmosphere for your children.

Im not denying it im slowly coming around to it.

Yes i know people have been helpful on here sorry i didnt mean to upset anyone.

You haven't upset anyone OP.

We are here for you and can only imagine how hard all this is for you.

It's a lot to take in.

Don't worry OP, not upset just keen for you to see that people's anger is with him and his actions not with you. It's just so awful the thought of you and the kids in that house with a man like that, and sometimes that comes across as misplaced anger with you.

Very much what they both said. 💗

Ell i think your doing brilliantly!
U have started the process and have started to realize what is happening.
I hope hes being nice coz hes changed. But it could be temporary so you let ur gaurd down.
Anyway hope everything gets sorted and ur happy again.