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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Trigger Warning- sexual assault/spousal abuse

318 replies

ELL2478 · 14/08/2022 11:55

Trigger warning- sexual assault/spousal abuse

I posted on the forum last night about my husband having sex with me while i was asleep and his attitude indicating he thought he'd done nothing wrong. I seemed to have upset a lot of people however and had my account reported as a troll and deleted twice. I apologise for not leaving a trigger warning and am mortified that Iv upset people. Iv been debating posting on here for months because of this particular problem and can't believe how bad it went. So sorry again!

OP posts:
Original poster
ELL2478 · 14/08/2022 19:23

LooseGoose22 · 14/08/2022 19:22

Your wages would be in that too obviously.

Show quote history

LooseGoose22 thank you for this

OP posts:
LooseGoose22 · 14/08/2022 19:24

I apologise for not leaving a trigger warning

You weren't to.know if you're not a regular poster.

Sorry you had such hassle trying to get advice/perspectives on here, it's great that you came back, many another person would not have persevered, which is a downside of this forum.

Fairislefandango · 14/08/2022 19:24

Of course you're not stupid! There are all kinds of sad, unfortunate and perfectly understandable reasons why women rnd up in relationships like this, and it sounds as though there is at least one very obvious reason why you did. Shaking off all the values pounded into you when you were growing up isn't something many people manage to do, at least not without a massive struggle. Some people are just luckier with how they were brought up!

You could have a life free of this, but it's going to take some strength to break free.

Original poster
ELL2478 · 14/08/2022 19:29

LooseGoose22 · 14/08/2022 19:24

I apologise for not leaving a trigger warning

You weren't to.know if you're not a regular poster.

Sorry you had such hassle trying to get advice/perspectives on here, it's great that you came back, many another person would not have persevered, which is a downside of this forum.

Thank you. I was just confused as to why somebody said my post must be a troll post very early on. There was nothing in it that would suggest it was.

OP posts:
Pussycat22 · 14/08/2022 19:36

If you are married you are entitled to half of everything. See a solicitor for advice. X

Dery · 14/08/2022 19:52

Another here who is glad you came back. I saw your previous 2 threads and the way they descended into such carnage was really shocking - especially knowing you had come back a second time. I’ve been on MN for some years now and never seen anything like it. Some posters seemed to forget you were posting for help and made it all about them. Not your fault, OP.

As to your H - I also thought the age gap was significant. I’m sure you’re lovely, but I think he - as a man of over 40 - chose someone much younger because he thought he had a better shot at being in charge than with a woman closer to him in age. What you describe of him is controlling and I find the suggestion that he doesn’t need your consent because you’re married truly shocking and worrying. It is rape.

Since you are married, you would have rights you wouldn’t otherwise have - this includes the a right to an interest in the family home (ie if it is sold, you would be entitled to a share of the proceeds). It might be worth you taking some legal advice on what you might get in a divorce.

Original poster
ELL2478 · 14/08/2022 19:54

I know people are going to think this is silly but I would feel awful taking half of his house especially as its all his earnings. I have certainly got a lot to think about.

OP posts:
Original poster
ELL2478 · 14/08/2022 19:56

Dery · 14/08/2022 19:52

Another here who is glad you came back. I saw your previous 2 threads and the way they descended into such carnage was really shocking - especially knowing you had come back a second time. I’ve been on MN for some years now and never seen anything like it. Some posters seemed to forget you were posting for help and made it all about them. Not your fault, OP.

As to your H - I also thought the age gap was significant. I’m sure you’re lovely, but I think he - as a man of over 40 - chose someone much younger because he thought he had a better shot at being in charge than with a woman closer to him in age. What you describe of him is controlling and I find the suggestion that he doesn’t need your consent because you’re married truly shocking and worrying. It is rape.

Since you are married, you would have rights you wouldn’t otherwise have - this includes the a right to an interest in the family home (ie if it is sold, you would be entitled to a share of the proceeds). It might be worth you taking some legal advice on what you might get in a divorce.

I actually only read about 4 posts the second time i came back. Then my husband came to bed so I had to sign off. So i dont even know what happened or what people were arguing about!! This morning i found my account had been deleted again because I was again reported as a troll. Admins corrected it though and said they jumped the gun so fair play to them.

OP posts:
Haffiana · 14/08/2022 19:59

ELL2478 · 14/08/2022 19:54

I know people are going to think this is silly but I would feel awful taking half of his house especially as its all his earnings. I have certainly got a lot to think about.

You need to be able to put a roof over the heads of your children.

It isn't about how awful you will feel, it is about ensuring that your children have a comfortable life. In a divorce, that is what the courts will base their decision on as well.

Original poster
ELL2478 · 14/08/2022 20:05

Haffiana · 14/08/2022 19:59

You need to be able to put a roof over the heads of your children.

It isn't about how awful you will feel, it is about ensuring that your children have a comfortable life. In a divorce, that is what the courts will base their decision on as well.

Show quote history

My children do have a comfortable life.

OP posts:
Idiotathome79 · 14/08/2022 20:13

Pls leave him , I was in a similar situation , where I would wake to my husband having sex with me the first time it happened I was shocked and asked what he thought he was doing he blamed drink , the next couple of times he brushed it off this went on for 2 years .... the rape become more difficult , even using objects etc,
I have since made him leave ( not for this but for abuse , and punching our daughter ,)
This rape though has left me unable to share a bed with my new partner until recently , but I don't sleep properly and any slightest noise I am awake , it has caused me so much distress only yesterday my partner rolled over in his sleep and touched my leg and I woke froze to the spot .
Please don't put up With it .

Original poster
ELL2478 · 14/08/2022 20:15

Damnautocorrect · 14/08/2022 19:05

do not confront him
he is a dangerous man. That’s why you freeze. It’s to keep you safe. It’s why you modify your behaviour, to keep you safe.

no one thinks your stupid
leaving is HARD. A lot of us have done it. I was raped in my relationship, took me about three years to realise and a further 5 to call it that.
take some time. Keep posting here, there’s a lot of support, talk to womens aid. They see this (sadly) day in day out. They will help you, support you and point you in the right direction for help.

Just seen your post. Im really sorry that happened to you. I guess i have a hard time seeing it as that because i dont actively do anything to stop it and he doesnt say he does it for a bad reason but just cs im his wife and he wants to.

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 14/08/2022 20:19

Sweetheart, you aren't only his wife. He doesn't get to do what he likes because you are his wife.

You are a mum.

You are Ell.

You are enough.

He knows you don't want him to, but does it anyway. He's wrong. He doesn't own you.

picklemewalnuts · 14/08/2022 20:21

Haffiana means that your children deserve a nice life with you, safe, in a home you can afford to run. That means you must take a share of the house. He could only earn money to pay for it because you were bearing and caring for his children. You earned the house too.

Twawmyarse · 14/08/2022 20:23

I was on your other thread OP and there were some real dickheads on there. Don't apologise, you weren't to know about the trigger warning thing and there seemed to be several troll-ish rape apologists on there last night.

Of course as others said, if he is having sex with you when you are asleep it is classed as rape as you haven't given your consent. The fact you also were scared about posting and trying to do so whilst he was downstairs suggests he is abusive in other ways.

I really hope you find a way out - you don't need to put up with this.

Haffiana · 14/08/2022 20:29

Did you read this yet, OP? It might help you feel stronger about how wrong this is, and also feel less alone.

www.theguardian.com/society/2021/jun/15/the-sexual-assault-of-sleeping-women-the-hidden-horrifying-crisis-in-britains-bedrooms

www.bbc.co.uk/news/newsbeat-35025986

Original poster
ELL2478 · 14/08/2022 20:45

picklemewalnuts · 14/08/2022 20:21

Haffiana means that your children deserve a nice life with you, safe, in a home you can afford to run. That means you must take a share of the house. He could only earn money to pay for it because you were bearing and caring for his children. You earned the house too.

Sorry Haffiana I misunderstood. I worry that it will break my kids hearts to be apart from him however. And how I will cope on my own.

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 14/08/2022 21:02

You will cope. You will find that you'll be good at it, once you don't have to worry about what he'll think all the time. He's deliberately kept you reliant on him. You don't need to be.

Dullardmullard · 14/08/2022 21:38

Do you work the now or on maternity leave
if not working you can in fact go into a refuge with woman’s aid as it’ll be easier if working that might be a bit difficult but not impossible. Look up turn2u for all benefits help.

please do not show him this thread
please do not approach him.
please do not tell him you want to leave
log out everytime when here or use privacy and delete your history but only for here not it all if you don’t normally.

you need to find your anger

now re read your post if it was your daughter not you.

you didn’t consent and he knows this.

your religion is irrelevant or your mothers for that matter this is abuse and against the law.

keep talking on here, start planning your escape as that’s what it is.

we’ve got you, we believe you.

Some have been where you have been doubting ourselves thinking it isn’t that bad when it’s bloody horrendous.

you will find that ahhh moment it will come one day.

Prunel · 14/08/2022 22:42

ELL2478 · 14/08/2022 20:45

Sorry Haffiana I misunderstood. I worry that it will break my kids hearts to be apart from him however. And how I will cope on my own.

Show quote history

Put yourself in their shoes.
how would you feel if you found out your mum stayed with your dad, and was regularly abused in various ways, and she stayed there because she thought that’s what you wanted and you wanted to be around the abuser.
would you be glad she kept you around that person as much as possible and that she continued to be abused in yours and her home? Or would you be sad?

Original poster
ELL2478 · 14/08/2022 22:46

Thanks for all your replies everybody. I casually brought the subject up tonight with my husband, just felt I had to say something. He acted like he didnt really understand and said he always thought i was awake when hes done it in the past. He said very casually that he cudnt have proper sex last night because of the angle i was laid in. I tried to be firm and said its not consensual. He started to laugh and say i knew you were guna say that. But then after knowing i was serious he said 'am i not allowed to do that' then he started looking really sad like he had no idea. I dont think he meant it nastily and dont think he will do it again. I feel like a horrible person now though and like iv made a drama over nothing, including wasting time of the posters on here. God 😕

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 14/08/2022 22:58

Your husband likes to sexually assault and rape women who are unconscious.

Zero, and I mean zero, decent men do this.

He is not a decent man.

He is a sex offender and a rapist.

You've told him before this isn't right. It isn't news to him. He just doesn't care.

Because he enjoys sexually assaulting and raping you when you are unable to consent.

This man will ruin your life bit by bit.

I know it's overwhelming but please don't make your children grow up under the same roof as a sex offender.

Flowers
BadNomad · 14/08/2022 23:14

Put it this way - if your daughter comes to you in the future and says what you have said here, will you honestly tell her "it's not that bad, he's a good man, you just need to gently talk to him about not raping you" ?

LadyLothbrook · 14/08/2022 23:18

You are not stupid OP. My earlier comment was abit abrupt about you being on the wind up. I didnt consider the emotional number he's done on you and how easy it is to excuse your abuser after years of manipulation and being made to believe that they're your rescuer. Whether you see it clearly or not, it is abuse OP and I desperately hope you find a way out and keep in touch with posters if you need any more advice or help. Flowers

Prunel · 14/08/2022 23:31

Oh op
he’s a grown man that must be what in his 50s? He doesn’t need to be told he’s not allowed to do that, he knew already.

lets somehow give him the benefit of the doubt, and it doesn’t explain why you think he likes to hurt you for pleasure, or why he won’t let you be on the mortgage, or any of the other things you’ve mentioned here

as I said in my first post I don’t think you’re ready to listen to what’s being said here, but please be safe and come back to this thread when you need to reread your own posts, and the helpful information links pp have posted