Trigger Warning- sexual assault/spousal abuse

[ELL2478]

Trigger warning- sexual assault/spousal abuse

I posted on the forum last night about my husband having sex with me while i was asleep and his attitude indicating he thought he'd done nothing wrong. I seemed to have upset a lot of people however and had my account reported as a troll and deleted twice. I apologise for not leaving a trigger warning and am mortified that Iv upset people. Iv been debating posting on here for months because of this particular problem and can't believe how bad it went. So sorry again!

You also seem hesitant to do anything. Why ask for advice here then?
Things either change or they stay the same.
Break free of the cycle or put up with - only you can make that choice.
Nothing is ever easy, but many women do leave, whatever the hardship, and they cope and move forwards. Thankfully you are married and protected financially.
I hope you choose what's right for you and your children.

You said you had no money!

Of course he did it to his ex. He probably even used her a vaginismus as an excuse. Easier to get it in a sleeping vagina than a resisting awake one.

They can’t be older than 6. So they don’t.

And not ever at this price

The reason you’re not earning as much is presumably because you’re caring for his children?

Do not contribute to a mortgage unless your name is on the mortgage.

What he is doing to you is really wrong. Would you consider some therapy for yourself if you’re not ready to leave him or talk about it in real life yet?

I mean no money of my own to leave.

Why not? Why don’t you have equal access to the finances?

Yes that's the reason. My name isnt on the new mortgage yet but I will try and be brave and mention it to him tonight.

We don't have a joint bank account so i don't have access to the money he earns.

You can ask for advice without pressing charges.

But he is committing multiple crimes.

Look I know people here must think im really stupid. And deep down I know he is partly abusing me with the unwanted sex, and not allowing my name on the mortgage/access to money. But for whatever reason I just can't yet bring myself to confront him. And its not something I can explain at this point.

I have reflected on our relationship for the past few years and realise that mayb I have changed. I am always scared of displeasing him, and im not confident in making my own decisions anymore. And i often have a sneaky feeling he likes to hurt me for pleasure, with silly things as examples like repeatedly taking the mick out of features i dont like, and dropping a pile of books and my hand for no reason.

OP, your husband has always planned to control you. Why would a man in his 40s want a woman in her early 20s who comes from a difficult background and has issues with her father? Because he wanted to use that to control you.

Now he is denying you access to family money.

He doesn't put you on the mortgage (as punishment/ to make you afraid to leave) even though the house is half yours due to marriage.

He's made you responsible for childcare so you had to drop hojea damaging your career and income.

He rapes you and then laughs about it even knowing you have been raped before.

He's made you scared to displease him.

He's made you scared to leave.

• Your husband turned up as the perfect rescuer who paid all the bills and kept you safe and fed and gave you children... and because of this he expects you to accept him raping you. The abuse will get worse. He will control you more.

Which is financial abuse. He earns that money because you do the unpaid childcare. He is exploiting you.

(I didn’t have a joint account with my husband for 17 years but we were both high earners with our own money.)

Wow.

Every single entry on the bingo card.

And judging from your latest post the abuse already is getting worse.

• he emotionally abused you by mocking your looks.
• he physically abused you by dropping things on your hand.

He is raping you and abusing you emotionally, physically, sexually and financially. He gets a kick out of hurting you.

He's only just getting started OP :/

I am sorry this is your life.
you are being abused- sexually, financially and physically- he drops books to hurt and frighten you.
-You are very passive and compliant, probably as a result of your upbringing. —-Your significantly older husband has replaced church representatives as you authority figure.
-You name should be on the mortgage because you contribute by looking after the children. It doesn’t matter anyway as you are married and therefore entitled to a 50% ownership of the property.
-He asked you if he needs to have consent to have sex with you- yes he does. It’s a crime otherwise.
No fucking wonder his wife has vaginitis- just reading your post made me close up tight.
if you leave and divorce, you will be entitled to 50% of the house plus child maintenance.
You and your childrens lives could be so much better.without this RAPIST in your life.

Do you think I should confront him more sternly about the sex thing and having my name on the mortgage tonight when he gets back from work?

Ah sweetheart. My heart aches for you.

You were very young when he met you.

You were disempowered by your previous rape, and were raised in a home and religion that disempowered you.

He has kept you with restricted access to money, and given you nothing while you bear and raise his children.

He uses you sexually without your consent.

He is a nasty piece of work who has manipulated and deceived you.

You don't have to have a big fight with him.

Do you get time away from him? Can you use the phone privately? You can call women's aid, rape crisis, the police... you have choices.

Really important- could he read this? Make sure your account is safe, that your phone is locked or similar.

sexualabusesupport.campaign.gov.uk/

We are married but the mortgage and everything else in all in his name

Since you're married, I dosntt matter whose name is on the mortgage
And he says I cannot be on the mortgage as Im not contributing financially which is fair enough.

Im on the mortgage for out just and now earn pretty much nothing (while I do 98% of the childcare).

He’ll try and get that 50/50 right down. Fairly short relationship. He no doubt brought more in.

I wouldn't really worry about it too much - is a joint marital asset in a divorce , whether your name is on it or not.

50/50 starting point- all assets minus all debts.

I dunno if he's liable for your credit card debts or not ... Worth looking into.

Op needs to get lawyered up for advice on that front.

No. Because what you want is for him to admit he was wrong, say sorry and promise that he will change and you will all live happily ever after. It won't happen.

Then you will show him this thread to show that you are right because what you want is for him to admit he was wrong, say sorry and promise that he will change. It won't happen.

You need to completely change this mindset of yours, which is the result of abuse.

You need to contact Womans Aid, tell them what is happening, get some proper and free advice about your legal and financial and practical options, and you need to get away from this abusive rapist.

You are not ready to admit this to yourself yet, which is why you are frightened to tell anyone in real life what is happening. You need to tell someone first, so that you have taken the first step to changing your own life. Not pretend you are doing something by imagining you can change your abuser.

Don't bother about the mortgage. That's irrelevant. You have been contributing- you've been doing unpaid childcare for his children.

If you feel safe, tell him again that you do not consent to sex when you are asleep. No exceptions. I don't think I would feel safe though. I'd be afraid he'd coerce me.

Have you got anyone you can turn to? Would your parents support you? Is there a friend or sister you can tell?