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Original poster

Trigger Warning- sexual assault/spousal abuse

318 replies

ELL2478 · 14/08/2022 11:55

Trigger warning- sexual assault/spousal abuse

I posted on the forum last night about my husband having sex with me while i was asleep and his attitude indicating he thought he'd done nothing wrong. I seemed to have upset a lot of people however and had my account reported as a troll and deleted twice. I apologise for not leaving a trigger warning and am mortified that Iv upset people. Iv been debating posting on here for months because of this particular problem and can't believe how bad it went. So sorry again!

OP posts:
Blueberrywitch · 14/08/2022 23:45

Please also know that you have an at least 50:50 claim to all martial assets which include the house, it doesn’t matter if you’re on the mortgage or not - that’s not how the law works. So you do have money, you have 50% of his equity in the house and 50% of savings and pension - and you’ve earned it by being part time and raising his children for him while he’s been able to work full time and save etc.

vaingina · 14/08/2022 23:46

He is manipulating you with his answers and sad face.You are being too forgiving to this man. If this was me I would tell him that if he ever does anything sexual to me without my verbal consent, our marriage is over and he will need to leave the house.
if I am honest I would not live with a man like this. You need to educate yourself about abuse in marriage- contact woman's aid.

picklemewalnuts · 15/08/2022 08:05

He's trained you to feel bad about him not having his own way.

He's trained you to avoid raising anything he might not like.

He's trained you with his sad face and his irritation, that he must have what he wants regardless of how you feel.

billy1966 · 15/08/2022 08:42

wellhelloitsme · 14/08/2022 22:58

Your husband likes to sexually assault and rape women who are unconscious.

Zero, and I mean zero, decent men do this.

He is not a decent man.

He is a sex offender and a rapist.

You've told him before this isn't right. It isn't news to him. He just doesn't care.

Because he enjoys sexually assaulting and raping you when you are unable to consent.

This man will ruin your life bit by bit.

I know it's overwhelming but please don't make your children grow up under the same roof as a sex offender.

Flowers

This.

OP, his wife suffered at his hands for years.

What must that poor woman have gone through.

He is a rapist and he knows well.

He doesn't give a damn.

Original poster
ELL2478 · 15/08/2022 08:55

He and his ex were actually together for less time than we have been. When i brought the sex sleep thing up witj OH last night i asked him if he did it with his ex and he said no and i think he was telling the truth. Its all very confusing at this stage as he did look genuinely upset that i brought it up. He also said he can't remember having sex with me in my sleep the last time he did it and he can't rememember saying he 'bet i was sore' and 'it was like f*ing a corpse'. Its hard to know what to believe at this stage. I felt really guilty after this convo last night bt then a part of me is annoyed he still didn't apologise.

OP posts:
Damnautocorrect · 15/08/2022 08:57

he’s going to flip from hurt, to manipulate you to feel bad to allow it
to
Angry if you stop it. then he will blame you for making him angry and go back to hurt.

no one is the bad guy in their story.

billy1966 · 15/08/2022 09:15

He's a rapist.

Of course he's a liar.

You don't seriously believe he would admit that he had was raping his ex wife too?

His surprise is that you have put two and two together.

Tell him you are thinking of maybe speaking to your GP, then watch his face, I bet you he will get very hurt, upset, possibly angry.

He will not want you too.

He knows well what he is doing.

He just doesn't give a shit.

He is a very bad man.

Original poster
ELL2478 · 15/08/2022 09:27

billy1966 · 15/08/2022 09:15

He's a rapist.

Of course he's a liar.

You don't seriously believe he would admit that he had was raping his ex wife too?

His surprise is that you have put two and two together.

Tell him you are thinking of maybe speaking to your GP, then watch his face, I bet you he will get very hurt, upset, possibly angry.

He will not want you too.

He knows well what he is doing.

He just doesn't give a shit.

He is a very bad man.

Well i am in antidepressants and saw the GP (well spoke over the phone) for that and be didn't seem to mind. The thing is he isnt controlling in most other ways. It is his attitude to habing sex while i was asleep. But with ehat he said last night maybe he didn't know that he couldnt do that. Because he asked 'aren't i allowed to do that?'

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 15/08/2022 09:43

But with ehat he said last night maybe he didn't know that he couldnt do that. Because he asked 'aren't i allowed to do that?'

But he didn't just 'find out' last night OP, you've mentioned it to him before. More than once:

When Iv mentioned he shouldn't do it because Im asleep he turns it into a joke and says stuff like 'do i need to sign or contract,' or 'are u telling me I need consent from my wife.' Sometimes he backtracks and says he can't remember but last time it happened he said it was like 'fucking a corpse' and I 'should be proud'.

What I think you don't understand is, and I know it's horrible to hear, that he enjoys sexually assaulting and raping you specifically while you're unconscious.

It's an active decision on his part. He knows you can't enjoy it, because you're not conscious. He knows it could be painful in the morning as he said he bet you were sore.

Do you understand that he is a rapist?

LooseGoose22 · 15/08/2022 09:47

The thing is hes not really controlling i cant think of anything he does that is controlling..

You're not on the mortgage documents, he told you (falseky) its due to your lack of income.

You have no shared account, he gives you what he wants. I imagine you gsve no overview/control of finances either.

That's just off the top of my head, without rereading this thread.

He has sex with your body while you sleeping and suggests he doesn't need is wife's consent when you raise it - that's controlling/manipulative (as well as legally and morally rape).

LooseGoose22 · 15/08/2022 09:52

but last time it happened he said it was like 'fucking a corpse' and I 'should be proud'.

So he had sex with a sleeping person who couldnt consent or actively participate and then criticised them for not participating???

And the sarcasm about being proud of their "performance" ... to someone he was essentially raping, unconscious.

He was trying to shame you amd turn it around on you .

Alongside the two examples of sadistic, abusive behaviour (picking on your perceived physical "flaws" and dropping heavy objects on your hand) ..... he's not exactly a nice, person, is he. In fact he's a very nasty pets indeed.

LooseGoose22 · 15/08/2022 09:55

*In fact he's a very nasty person indeed.

And no wonder his ex wife had vaginismus (if true) ..... if he was trying to have sex with her in her sleep (and accidentally on purpose hurting her, and verbally abusing her about her perceived physical flaws, as he does you).

LooseGoose22 · 15/08/2022 10:00

like 'fucking a corpse'

Even his choice of words.

I have never been with a man (and I've been with a mixed bag of them!) who has ever referred to sex with me as "fucking" to my face. Even the worst of them would never have been so uncouth, vulgar, bad etc.

The fact that he was covering up/deflecting and shaming you about his own immoral actions just ......

LooseGoose22 · 15/08/2022 10:03

So has he promised not to have sex (rape) you when you're asleep from now on?

Not that that would mean you should stay with him.

But just to establish his view on this.

LadyLothbrook · 15/08/2022 10:05

It's not hard to believe whats true OP. You are presented with the facts everytime you wake up with his dick inside you. 'Can't remember' my eye. Just another one of his manipulation tactics. When you wake up to how bad this abuse actually is, you'll want out. I just hope it's soon. I am indeed suggesting his wife had vaginismus because of him, it's far too coincidental the poor woman would be suffering yet 'he never touched her' The cunt is lying through his teeth !

Original poster
ELL2478 · 15/08/2022 10:35

LooseGoose22 · 15/08/2022 10:03

So has he promised not to have sex (rape) you when you're asleep from now on?

Not that that would mean you should stay with him.

But just to establish his view on this.

He didn't promise. He didnt say sorry. He just said 'aw boo' (his nickname for me) in like a sad voice and said i was angry at him. He is good at acting like the sad one but never actually says sorry iv noticed that a long time ago. But i don't think he will do it again. Its not even the fact that he did it, its more about his attitude.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 15/08/2022 10:44

Well then I suggest you tell him you feel very very sore and that you are going to speak to the GP about how sore you get when your husband has sex with your unconscious body and that he describes you like a corpse.

Tell him you are going to ask for some cream or ointment to help your soreness for when your husband has sex with you when you are unconscious.

He should have NO problem whatsoever.

Tell him it with an innocent expression on your face.

See how he reacts to THAT pieces of information.

wellhelloitsme · 15/08/2022 10:48

OP this man has sexually assaulted and raped you multiple times.

Whether he's sorry or not doesn't change that. I mean it's obviously even worse that he isn't sorry, but even if he broke down crying it wouldn't change the fact he has enjoyed assaulting and raping you while you're unconscious for months / years.

Your children are currently living with a man who rapes their mother while she sleeps.

What can we do to help you get out of this relationship?

Would you be open to calling womens aid without his knowledge and just telling them what you've told us about sex and finances within your relationship, to see what they say?

Original poster
ELL2478 · 15/08/2022 11:17

wellhelloitsme · 15/08/2022 10:48

OP this man has sexually assaulted and raped you multiple times.

Whether he's sorry or not doesn't change that. I mean it's obviously even worse that he isn't sorry, but even if he broke down crying it wouldn't change the fact he has enjoyed assaulting and raping you while you're unconscious for months / years.

Your children are currently living with a man who rapes their mother while she sleeps.

What can we do to help you get out of this relationship?

Would you be open to calling womens aid without his knowledge and just telling them what you've told us about sex and finances within your relationship, to see what they say?

I suppose i could try and call them. I rarely get a moment alone tho and wouldnt know what to say.

OP posts:
onanotherday · 15/08/2022 11:48

OP you tell them that you husband has been raping you whilst asleep, is controlling financially and emotionally and you want help.

Prunel · 15/08/2022 12:07

Or just saying you’re not sure it’s abuse but some people you’ve spoken to have mentioned concerns, describe some of the things you’ve mentioned here or anything else you’re not sure about, and see what they think?

LooseGoose22 · 15/08/2022 12:15

He also said he can't remember having sex with me in my sleep the last time he did it and he can't rememember saying he 'bet i was sore' and 'it was like fing a corpse*

How very convenient.

Selective amnesia

Is he having any other memory problems? Should he be working, with such significant memory problems?

What he's doing is pretending he doesn't remember it and implying he didn't say those things, in the hope abd ecoectation that you willbe convinced that that didn't say those things abd question your own memory/experience.

His selective amnesia is in line with Oliver North's in that trial way back , and Prince Andrews in his recent interview.

wellhelloitsme · 15/08/2022 12:26

I suppose i could try and call them. I rarely get a moment alone tho and wouldnt know what to say.

"My husband has been having sex with me while I'm asleep, repeatedly, even though I've asked him to stop. He either says he doesn't know it's wrong or that he hasn't done it. I know that he has. Sometimes he says that it's like having sex with a corpse so I know that he does know he's done it. Is this rape?"

They will confirm that it is and offer you some options you can choose to take or not.

As I said, at the moment your children are living under the same roof as a man who rapes their mother while she's unconscious.

This is no way for you or them to live.

TheHideAndSeekingHill · 15/08/2022 12:33

I'm so sorry you've been put in this situation by this man - he married you, knowing your background and experiences and age would make you more willing to put up with him, and less sure of yourself when he started to rape and abuse you. And see, it's worked pretty well because you're here wondering whether it's really that bad.

It is really that bad. Raping your wife has been illegal in the UK since 1991, you weren't even alive the last time it was legal. I know it's not always easy to read the actual law - but here's a link. It's very short and clear: www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/2003/42/part/1/crossheading/rape

The only defence he has is that he genuinely believes you are consenting to the action. Of course in this case he knows you aren't because a) you're asleep b) when you're awake you are telling him repeatedly that you don't consent. I wonder whether it's worth putting it in writing to him (email? text?) or secretly recording a conversation where you have this discussion with him, although that second idea is more risky.

I hope you can see that he is a rapist, that rape is really that bad. There's a reason most people consider it second only to murder.

Even leaving aside the money stuff etc which I feel you're less comfortable about, this in itself is so wrong, that only a very few fringe religious nutters (and I do mean that, no reasonable person in any religion) would think you should try to work things out with a rapist.

TheHideAndSeekingHill · 15/08/2022 12:35

Sorry wasn't clear, I mean it could be worth emailing/messaging him saying something like "As I said last night, I don't consent to any sexual activity with you while I'm asleep. You claim you weren't aware of this before, despite our previous conversations about it and you boasting that it was like 'fucking a corpse', but you definitely know now so never do that again."