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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

A mum leaving children behind.

299 replies

Isittrueornot · 13/08/2022 16:09

Me and my recent ex of 17 are splitting up, we are not married. Here are my only 2 options. As a mum, what would you do?
Side note- dad is non abusive and efficient and hands on with kids.

A- As it’s upsetting for the children we are splitting, to keep them in their 3 bed family home and schools so they have some familiarity, you as the mum, moves out and rents local, leavening the kids in the family home with dad. You will work full time so see them a few evenings and EOweekend.

B- Sell the house and rent taking the kids with you. You can only afford a 2 bedroom so they will have to share. It’s unlikely you will ever be able to buy a property on your own so they will be sharing bedrooms probably forever. You will be restricted in the hours you work due to no family helping with childcare. Your on a low income, so can’t afford the extra for childcare. You will probably be in poverty for a long time, but hope to train and get a well pod job in 5/6 years.

Would you choose A or B? Bearing in mind A keeps them having their current lifestyle and school, and B will be nothing like they are used too and would change schools.

I would prefer for their dad to move out and rent instead as he has a better income and family close by to help him but he just won’t go.

Both own the family home, happy to keep my name on the mortgage as to be honest he can’t afford to buy me out and property never falls too far in london.

OP posts:
HotHeatDays · 13/08/2022 17:32

BattenburgDonkey · 13/08/2022 17:30

I don’t get why option A means you only visit the kids some evenings and have them EOW, so aren’t doing any childcare, but option B means you are doing everything alone and don’t have any help with childcare. Why isn’t 50/50 contact an option? Or why isn’t the parent they don’t live with going to be doing any of the childcare?

I wouldn’t move out and leave the children behind personally, but I would work towards something with more shared care of the kids.

If you read the other thread she wants to take them hundreds of miles away and him only see them in school holidays.

Doesn't want to rent only buy.

titchy · 13/08/2022 17:33

Isittrueornot · 13/08/2022 16:27

No legal advice, but not married so no point really.

Of course there bloody is. You own the house jointly. You need to know what legal measures you can take to force him out or force a sale. You need to consider tolata and the children act. You abandoning both house and children cannot be an option. It's entirely possible you would be awarded more than 50% of any equity given that you have children to house.

Give your head a wobble.

Whatever00 · 13/08/2022 17:33

Have you considered applying for a child arrangement order?

Twawmyarse · 13/08/2022 17:34

Macaroni1924 · 13/08/2022 17:27

I think you have made your decision. I would definitely do option B and move the children nearer to my family. I know it’s a whole uproot for them but I’m hoping property may be cheaper there? I would find it hard enough to share never mind let him have them most. I also agree wouldn’t be long before he shipped in a new girlfriend and you would then be up against that scenario. Could you not speak to your children especially the teenager and go through everything at an age appropriate level. I’m pretty sure no matter how much they wouldn’t want the changes they would pick you every time. As someone else said they won’t be young for long so make the most of it and if you can at least survive worry about everything else later. I think they will thank you for it, a good lesson for them that they don’t have to put up with a shitty partner.

This.

As you wfh could you move nearer your family?
Im sure your dds would rather change school etc than not live with you. Kids are very adaptable and having a miserable mum will affect them a lot more than moving to a different area.

EtnaVesuvius · 13/08/2022 17:35

Scepticalwotsits · 13/08/2022 17:16

It’s just a continuation of this thread

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4609051-he-refuses-to-go

op just reposting and rewording it because they either are a trolling or b didn’t get the answer they wanted first time

He refuses to go! 165
Isittrueornot · 11/08/2022 09:45
He just won’t leave! I’m going to be screwed!

Not married (yes I know I’m stupid, I’ll be ensuring my daughters done make the same mistake)! My income is very low and I can’t afford the mortgage and bills on my own so will need to look for a job when the kids go back to school in a month and just coast into debt until then. I’m terrified!!

It’s joint mortgage, he won’t leave. He has family close by who he can go stay with but refuses too. My family are 200 miles away and with the kids school here isn’t a option. My family don’t have room for us to stay but his does as they are well off with a big childhood home.

If we sell the house I’ll have 100k which isn’t enough to house me and 2 kids, I can’t get the mortgage as my income is so low it’s pathetic, I’m on such a low wage.

He just wants to stay as I’m trapped here and given enough time he thinks we will just end up back together as we live together, that’s why he won’t leave. I’m trapped here and 12 years until the youngest is 18 and I don’t want to live with an ex for 12 years because I can’t afford to live alone!!!

Please someone tell me what to do. How can I ensure a secure place to live for me and the kids here so they can attend their current schools!! South east london so you get the gist of my housing problem-no one is even getting a garage for 100k around here let alone a flat/small house. Please tell me what to do!!

Why are you criticising her for posting again? She’s now come up with two options and wants some advice.

HotHeatDays · 13/08/2022 17:36

Twawmyarse · 13/08/2022 17:34

This.

As you wfh could you move nearer your family?
Im sure your dds would rather change school etc than not live with you. Kids are very adaptable and having a miserable mum will affect them a lot more than moving to a different area.

Show quote history

Pretty sure only seeing their dad in school holidays would be pretty damaging too.

In her other thread she says he is a very good hands on dad.

Things on here are being twisted as they didn't get the answers they wanted last time.

mam0918 · 13/08/2022 17:37

unicormb · 13/08/2022 16:19

I couldn't leave my kids. I would walk over hot coals to keep them with me.

This.

Also regardless of who initiated the split the home should remain with whoever has main custody of the children (not the children remaing with whoever has the home) and usually the mother retains main custody.

That was made VERY clear when my parents devorced, it didnt matter that the house was originally in my dads name me and my mam got it and he had to leave.

He was an abusive ass but that actually wasn't part of the devorce as I dont think my mam knew how badly he treat me when she wasnt there and I was young so couldnt articulate it well (he didn't really hit me etc... he would just threaten, lock me in rooms, starve me etc...), I absoloutly would NOT have stayed with him and the judge had us go through pychological assesment and I was ASKED which parent I wanted.

In the end it seemed in the eye of the court (even as a young child) like the choice was actually MINE not my parents.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 13/08/2022 17:40

Things on here are being twisted as they didn't get the answers they wanted last time.

This

FreudayNight · 13/08/2022 17:40

MichelleScarn · 13/08/2022 16:11

Who's initiated the split?

This is bullshit, and an abusers charter.

Who behaved in a way that made the split necessary?

henni85 · 13/08/2022 17:40

I left my long term partner 2 years ago. He isn’t the children’s dad, but had been in their life for 12 years. I moved into a 3 bed terrace, rented, with hardly anything. If he was their dad, I still wouldn’t have left them. Even grumpy teenagers who are used to privilege can adapt to shittier circumstances

HotHeatDays · 13/08/2022 17:40

That was made VERY clear when my parents devorced, it didnt matter that the house was originally in my dads name me and my mam got it and he had to leave.

Difference was your parents were married.

OP on her previous thread said they can't afford the mortgage wants him to continue paying whilst living at his mums for 12 years.

ilovemydogandmrobama2 · 13/08/2022 17:42

Was going to suggest bird nesting, but yeah, that's not going to work.

Kids adapt, and selling the house at least gives you freedom to start again.

whumpthereitis · 13/08/2022 17:43

Twawmyarse · 13/08/2022 17:34

This.

As you wfh could you move nearer your family?
Im sure your dds would rather change school etc than not live with you. Kids are very adaptable and having a miserable mum will affect them a lot more than moving to a different area.

Show quote history

Her family are hundreds of miles away. She can move, but she won’t be able to move the children that far, and especially not if the plan is to do 50/50.

OP, the advice is going to be the same as it was on the last thread. The whole of mumsnet can think he’s a dickhead, but he’s not obliged to leave and pay the mortgage whilst you remain living there. You either have to live with him, or sell and use your share to rent or buy within reasonable traveling distance.

Christmasiscominghohoho · 13/08/2022 17:44

B.

I would never ever leave my kids.

ReachedTheEndofCake · 13/08/2022 17:46

Should be stating the obvious but - Whatever you do, do not leave taking one child and leaving the other.
Yes talking from experience (as the left child), no I have no relationship with her now.
Keep the children together, they’ll need each other in the chaos.

DrEmilleShofhousen · 13/08/2022 17:47

You just want everyone to say: leave your kids.

If that’s what you’re going to do anyway, why ask? For what it’s worth, I’d live a shoebox and keep my kids with me, but you do you.

SunnyD44 · 13/08/2022 17:47

A

Keeping the kids in their home and school is a much better option than moving them and completely changing their lives.

I think that B benefits you more than them.

I would try and find an option C where you can stay local and have the DCs more of a 50/50 (although many MNers think 50/5 is a bad idea but I’ve not had any personal experience).

TaureanGemini · 13/08/2022 17:49

Isittrueornot · 13/08/2022 16:18

Kids are 6 and 12, both the same sex. Teenager would HATE sharing, especially for a long time.

If I was desperate to get out but could only afford a 2 bed with 2 kids, I'd take a 2 bed rental and get a sofa bed for me in the living room as a temporary solution. Each child will get their own room. It's doable, I've done it.

gotelltheoldmandowntheroad · 13/08/2022 17:50

Well since I would never leave my child I would stay with him but not in a romantic relationship, just a co-parenting one and in a flatmate kind of capacity and set a room up for myself in a spare or box room and just live like that.

he won't leave, so how can you sell up if he won't leave?

TSIFT · 13/08/2022 17:51

You need option C
Move him into the spare room or a living room
Stay there until you have trained up and have a good job
You won't want another relationship for a while anyway
Don't do anything for him laundry, cooking etc
See a solicitor
Doesn't matter what that cretin wants

Queenie8 · 13/08/2022 17:51

@Isittrueornot please seek legal advice. When you divorce, and I know you aren't married, but, divorce falls under family court. The judge is only concerned about the children and what is best for them. If you stalled your career when having the children you will be awarded a larger percentage of the property. The judge will also issue proceedings for XDH to leave the property AND pay child support. Please, please seek legal advice.

blueshoes · 13/08/2022 17:51

TaureanGemini · 13/08/2022 17:49

If I was desperate to get out but could only afford a 2 bed with 2 kids, I'd take a 2 bed rental and get a sofa bed for me in the living room as a temporary solution. Each child will get their own room. It's doable, I've done it.

Show quote history

Good idea. I'd do it too to keep the kids with me. Not a biggie.

Deafdonkey · 13/08/2022 17:52

TiddleyWink · 13/08/2022 16:47

I would stay married to him and be miserable myself before I would do either option TBH.

Option C: I would play the long game, up my income etc while living together in the family home and keeping the kids lives stable. Barring abuse, which you’ve confirmed isn’t the case here, I would stay put and only separate when I could do it without the kids living in poverty. Everyone on MN insists that staying in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the kids is always a mistake but I believe that’s not always the case.

Play the long game but don’t move out and leave your kids. They will quite possibly never forgive you or recover and if you live to regret it you may well not be able to just take them back, your ex will have a stronger argument for custody.

So would I (and I am, it is no walk in the park but I genuinely believe it is best for the kids as not DH would also stay in the house and would be a shit parent)

If you can't stay I'd do A. For me the only part that matters is the kids and if he is a good father then there is no reason that he shouldn't be the main parent, it does sadden me that most on MN can not see that some fathers can be excellent main parents.

Bird nesting if he would be up for that.

BadNomad · 13/08/2022 17:52

Sell the house. Rent somewhere nearby for a year, then use that year to plan what to do long term. But do not be forced or blackmailed into staying with him.

blueshoes · 13/08/2022 17:54

Queenie8 · 13/08/2022 17:51

@Isittrueornot please seek legal advice. When you divorce, and I know you aren't married, but, divorce falls under family court. The judge is only concerned about the children and what is best for them. If you stalled your career when having the children you will be awarded a larger percentage of the property. The judge will also issue proceedings for XDH to leave the property AND pay child support. Please, please seek legal advice.

Is this correct? OP is not married so why would the family court decide on division of assets as if she was?

OP definitely needs legal advice. Though I doubt she will have anywhere near the same protection as a married couple divorcing.