He refuses to go!

[Isittrueornot]

He just won’t leave! I’m going to be screwed!

Not married (yes I know I’m stupid, I’ll be ensuring my daughters done make the same mistake)! My income is very low and I can’t afford the mortgage and bills on my own so will need to look for a job when the kids go back to school in a month and just coast into debt until then. I’m terrified!!

It’s joint mortgage, he won’t leave. He has family close by who he can go stay with but refuses too. My family are 200 miles away and with the kids school here isn’t a option. My family don’t have room for us to stay but his does as they are well off with a big childhood home.

If we sell the house I’ll have 100k which isn’t enough to house me and 2 kids, I can’t get the mortgage as my income is so low it’s pathetic, I’m on such a low wage.

He just wants to stay as I’m trapped here and given enough time he thinks we will just end up back together as we live together, that’s why he won’t leave. I’m trapped here and 12 years until the youngest is 18 and I don’t want to live with an ex for 12 years because I can’t afford to live alone!!!

Please someone tell me what to do. How can I ensure a secure place to live for me and the kids here so they can attend their current schools!! South east london so you get the gist of my housing problem-no one is even getting a garage for 100k around here let alone a flat/small house. Please tell me what to do!!

If he’s abusive then you can look at applying for an occupation order to remove him from the home. If he’s not abusive then he has as much right to live in his home as you do. You’ll need to sell the house, split the equity between you and then your £100k is a decent sum as a deposit for a shared ownership property in the future (if your income qualifies you for it) and for you to use a few thousand of it to rent in the meantime.

It might not be your ideal but having a large sum of cash when you sell the house puts you in a much stronger position than many women. It will be hard in the meantime having to live together, but you can get through it. Do you have friends and family support you can rely on?

To add - it seems like your DC are primary school age? Don’t get too hung up on thinking you have to stay in London to keep them in their schools at this age. They don’t have looming exams that you wouldn’t want to disrupt them for, as you can’t afford London it might be a good idea to consider less expensive parts of the Home Counties where you could settle instead.

I agree, I would seriously look at moving away from London. You could afford more property wise and your girls are young enough to start over (I assume the older one is also primary age?). Could you move nearer family? Would they be helpful if you were nearer?

It sounds like it’s you that wants to end the relationship, so it should be you that leaves. Children move schools lo the time so yours will fine if that’s what has to happen. You can’t expect everything to carry on as normal with the only sacrifices being one’s made by someone else. Why should he have to lose his home and sleep on family sofas while paying the mortgage?

You either have to move to where your family are, or find a way to rent near where you live now.

OP you can’t afford to live in London. I understand why you don’t want to move (you would probably have to get your Ex partner’s permission to do so) but you would struggle if you stayed. I think you need to accept that the post split landscape is going to be very different for everyone.

It sounds like you think the ideal would be for him to move out and to continue to contribute to the mortgage and bills but that isn’t realistic. Just like you, your Ex has an equal share of your home and if you (understandably) really don’t want to live with him and he refuses to leave then the house wouldn’t need to be sold and you would eventually have to find a new home.

Why should he leave? Its his house too.

You can't afford to live in london, so you need to get house sold, and look further out for what you can afford. Depending on ages you need a 2 bed property. As others have said primary schools can be easily changed.

Or wait a year or so and increase your earnings so you can afford a better property.

Remember you need to lower your expextations on what house you can afford as you are going from 2 incomes to 1

UC wouldn’t apply if the OP is entitled to 100k equity for the house.

You would get child benefit and maintenance.

He doesn't have to leave, op. It's his house, too. Bottom line is you have to sell and you need to leave London. You can't afford to live there.

You are choosing to split up, but you think that he should be the one to leave the house?

Why should he? I understand that it’d be nice for you to not have to move, but if you don’t want to live with him and he doesn’t want to leave then you have two choices; stay, or leave yourself.

Have you proposed paying him rent for the use of his half of the home once he goes, or did you just assume you’d get free use of it?

Rent somewhere instead of buying. Probably not in London though. Get the place up for sale quick.

Also 'I'd rather kiss a scabby dog than ever go near you again so you're fooling yourself if you think staying here will mean we will ever get back together'. Don't do anything for him (housework, washing ect). Get a lock for your bedroom door. And make a point of going out with your friends/on dates just to show how over you two are.

Because he can move to the next town and it won’t disrupt the kids as much and he can see them regularly instead of selling and me moving hundreds of miles away and disrupting them because he doesn’t want to move back to his families around the corner.

If we sell or he moves his ending up in the same place, but if we sell me and the kids are massively disrupted where it makes no difference to him.

UC will apply if OP is taking steps to sell the house. She has six months or more if considered reasonable.

But why should he? Why do you not move out and leave the children with him?

Tell him those are his options then and make sure you mean it. Put in motion the steps to selling the house.
Apply for universal credit (if appropriate) on the basis that you are separated and make sure you take all the steps you need to to show that you are separated.

He’s not going to keep paying a mortgage on a house he’s not living in. Maybe he doesn’t want to live with his parents till your youngest is 18.

Not sure how you see this playing out.

Make it clear to him that you can’t afford to stay in London and if the house is sold you will have to move to a cheaper area, this might sway him or it might not.

Prepare for the worst and hope for the best but don’t wait around for him to do what you want him to do. Your plan can’t be dependent on him.

Do your family live in a cheaper area? I agree with pps , your dc are not glued to the school they attend. Kids adapt and they’ll have no problems changing schools.
With a cheaper area for housing you have a really good chance of using your 100k towards owning a house. Rent in London and it’ll disappear fast.

It’s not really a bargaining chip. If the OP moves a long distance away then in terms of child contact a court will usually conclude that it’s up to the OP to facilitate the contact and travel with the DC. It’s very unlikely she’ll be able to blackmail him with “if you don’t leave and let me keep the house I’ll take the children away and you’ll rarely be able to see them.”

Sorry but you really can’t expect this of him, especially not when you are the one ending the relationship. You can’t tell him it’s over, ask him to move out but keep paying the mortgage, while you and DC carry on exactly as you were. Would you agree to this if your places were swapped?

As a pp says the only way you might get him to do this, or to at least help you out financially so you can stay local, is if you say the other option is moving 200 miles away.

You can't expect him not to live in his own house and have to move in with family. That's not fair. He jointly owns the house. The fairest thing to do if you want to split, is to divide the asset when it's sold.

He’s a grown adult and presumably left his parents’ home years ago. I very much doubt they want their adult son back living in their spare room forevermore so that you can keep the house (and have him pay for it?) and have no adjustments to your lifestyle, either.

You need to be realistic, and what you want isn’t realistic. If you aren’t amicable enough to discuss separation arrangements between the two of you then mediation or counselling with the aim of helping you to separate and co-parent well and navigate financial and housing logistics will be really useful.

I have just finished a divorce in a similar situation

The solution for us

I brought my wife out the property and the kids stayed living in the proper with Mr

She then comes and goes to help out with the kids

She could not afford to buy me out

I could not afford to pay the bills and them live somewhere else

Who has paid the majority bills and mortgage to this point if your income is so low? Just because he has options in your opinion to where he can go doesn't mean he should. What if you both had options?. Would you go and let him have the house?