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Original poster

A mum leaving children behind.

299 replies

Isittrueornot · 13/08/2022 16:09

Me and my recent ex of 17 are splitting up, we are not married. Here are my only 2 options. As a mum, what would you do?
Side note- dad is non abusive and efficient and hands on with kids.

A- As it’s upsetting for the children we are splitting, to keep them in their 3 bed family home and schools so they have some familiarity, you as the mum, moves out and rents local, leavening the kids in the family home with dad. You will work full time so see them a few evenings and EOweekend.

B- Sell the house and rent taking the kids with you. You can only afford a 2 bedroom so they will have to share. It’s unlikely you will ever be able to buy a property on your own so they will be sharing bedrooms probably forever. You will be restricted in the hours you work due to no family helping with childcare. Your on a low income, so can’t afford the extra for childcare. You will probably be in poverty for a long time, but hope to train and get a well pod job in 5/6 years.

Would you choose A or B? Bearing in mind A keeps them having their current lifestyle and school, and B will be nothing like they are used too and would change schools.

I would prefer for their dad to move out and rent instead as he has a better income and family close by to help him but he just won’t go.

Both own the family home, happy to keep my name on the mortgage as to be honest he can’t afford to buy me out and property never falls too far in london.

OP posts:
Delphinium20 · 13/08/2022 17:54

I knew a social worker who said that it's shit either way for kids, so he tried for most of his career to push divorcing parents to let the kids live in the family home and have the parents alternate staying there when it was their time. So, you and your husband would get your own apartment/house and then you'd stay at the kids' home until they were of an age where they no longer needed it. Best for the kids to not have to move. It doesn't sound like your husband wants to move, but that is what I'd advise based off a professional's opinion who has seen a lot of divorces.

crimesagainstwine · 13/08/2022 17:55

I can't comment on your individual situation OP but realise it must be a very difficult decision - and the children will be affected whatever you decide. I personally couldn't do it but I have support systems and family that can help financially - my DC are now adults so it's not an issue for me.

However, this scenario happened to DSCs - their DM moved out and left them with her ex - he was hands-on, supportive and a very kind man (still is - he's my DH - and no I was not "the OW" - he met me a few years later).

The DSC never forgave her and they lost contact - youngest was 11 at the time and they have had years of therapy and support and sadly that bridge can never be repaired as their mother died before any reconciliation could be made. TBH there were different circumstances - she left as met someone else and wanted a "carefree" lifestyle - so never really had kids interests at heart (IMHO).

Don't underestimate the impact of leaving will have on them even if for very different set of reasons - you won't have abandoned them but they will feel like you have. These feelings don't go away and become more acute as DSC have own kids and say what previous posters have done "I couldn't do that to my kids".

SunnyD44 · 13/08/2022 17:56

If you can't stay I'd do A. For me the only part that matters is the kids and if he is a good father then there is no reason that he shouldn't be the main parent, it does sadden me that most on MN can not see that some fathers can be excellent main parents.

I agree.

I know a few women who chose not to be the residential parent as they put their childrens needs first and did what was best for the children, not the parents.

Take out working FT hours and the RP doesn’t see them much more than the non RP anyway.

Twawmyarse · 13/08/2022 17:56

HotHeatDays · 13/08/2022 17:36

Pretty sure only seeing their dad in school holidays would be pretty damaging too.

In her other thread she says he is a very good hands on dad.

Things on here are being twisted as they didn't get the answers they wanted last time.

Show quote history

I haven't read the other thread but I'm pretty sure a man who cheats on his dc's mum and tries to blackmail her into staying by refusing to leave isn't a "great dad". Just bc she doesn't have proof doesn't mean he's not a lying arsehole.

EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 13/08/2022 17:57

Isittrueornot · 13/08/2022 17:07

We can’t afford to buy each other out, it’s would be 100k

For the cost of rent, can you propose a loft conversion or extension? That will allow you greater separation.

I'd hope that when he sees that you're exploring options that emphasise the end of your relationship then he'll understand that he can't manipulate you entirely in accordance with his wishes.

However, I'd echo everyone who says that you need legal advice irrespective of your relationship status.

UserError012345 · 13/08/2022 17:58

Of course you should see legal advice.

And don't rush into deciding anything. Decisions like this take time.

PollyRockets · 13/08/2022 17:59

Ask the children

When my parents split we both stayed with dad as he was staying in the house

Didn't feel abandoned

Still saw mum most days of the week as she lived down the road

HotHeatDays · 13/08/2022 18:01

Twawmyarse · 13/08/2022 17:56

I haven't read the other thread but I'm pretty sure a man who cheats on his dc's mum and tries to blackmail her into staying by refusing to leave isn't a "great dad". Just bc she doesn't have proof doesn't mean he's not a lying arsehole.

Show quote history

Well apparently he may or may not have cheated.

A mum moving her DC away and saying he canonly have them in the holidays isn't a great mum either.

She is blackmailing him also by saying if I can't stay in the house and you continue to pay and live with your mum for 12 years then I'm taking the DC hundreds of miles away.

But I forgot this is MN where mum is slways right and there are no blirred lines

BadNomad · 13/08/2022 18:01

Do not ask the children. That is too much to put on them. It is not their responsibility to sort out their parents' mess. You are the adults.

Lacey247 · 13/08/2022 18:01

unicormb · 13/08/2022 16:19

I couldn't leave my kids. I would walk over hot coals to keep them with me.

Absolutely

PollyRockets · 13/08/2022 18:03

BadNomad · 13/08/2022 18:01

Do not ask the children. That is too much to put on them. It is not their responsibility to sort out their parents' mess. You are the adults.

A court would ask them if it got that far

They're old enough to decide

Sugarplumfairy65 · 13/08/2022 18:04

Don't leave your kids. It will damage them forever. My mother left when I was 5. Me and my siblings never got over it.

CamillaToe · 13/08/2022 18:05

BadNomad · 13/08/2022 18:01

Do not ask the children. That is too much to put on them. It is not their responsibility to sort out their parents' mess. You are the adults.

Agreed

They'll see it as having to choose their mum or their dad as their "main" parent

Don't do it

Blendiful · 13/08/2022 18:06

If it was me I would hang around. I would stay in the house but make it clear we have split up.

He won't last long with that, he will meet someone else who won't want him living with his ex. And he will leave. You might just have to play him at his own game.

However if you can't buy him out or him you. It's probably worth just selling now. Neither can stay in the mortgage inevitably for the other forever, so you may aswell just sell, cut your losses and both get your own places.

You may not be married but I would still if I was you, get legal advice. I would not leave the kids and leave him in the house.

HappySonHappyMum · 13/08/2022 18:08

It's option C for me. Make it clear to him that you will share the house as a place to live only. Move your kids into the largest room and make them share, move him into the spare room. Do nothing for him, no food shopping, no washing, no cooking or cleaning. Give him a schedule for 50:50 care of the kids and make sure you're not around when it's his 50. You're for there for yourself and the kids only. Grey rock him completely. He'll find this completely intolerable after a while. You'll have to play the long game I'm afraid.

BadNomad · 13/08/2022 18:11

PollyRockets · 13/08/2022 18:03

A court would ask them if it got that far

They're old enough to decide

Show quote history

A court would not ask a 6-year-old and so are unlikely to ask the 12-year-old.

Children do not have the capacity to understand the significance of how them deciding would impact on their quality of life, education, wider support network etc. They will just pick the parent they are scared to lose the most, regardless if that is the best option for them.

JemimaPuddleducksWaddle · 13/08/2022 18:14

HappySonHappyMum · 13/08/2022 18:08

It's option C for me. Make it clear to him that you will share the house as a place to live only. Move your kids into the largest room and make them share, move him into the spare room. Do nothing for him, no food shopping, no washing, no cooking or cleaning. Give him a schedule for 50:50 care of the kids and make sure you're not around when it's his 50. You're for there for yourself and the kids only. Grey rock him completely. He'll find this completely intolerable after a while. You'll have to play the long game I'm afraid.

So he goes, then what OP can't afford the mortgage.

Original poster
Isittrueornot · 13/08/2022 18:19

The previous thread is because I was still trying to get him to go as it’s best for the kids for them to have some familiarity. Since then it’s very clear him going is NOT AN OPTION so the ball is in my court and those are the two options. Not trolling at all, as it’s a different question and different scenario now.

OP posts:
diamondpony80 · 13/08/2022 18:20

Not in a million years would I leave my children, but your B option is also bad. In your situation I would be staying in the house for now (but separated). I would also do whatever it takes to increase my income to put me in a better financial situation, so that when I did move out of the house (with the kids) I could still maintain their current lifestyle and keep them in their current school.

BrutusMcDogface · 13/08/2022 18:21

unicormb · 13/08/2022 16:23

They'd walk over them themselves to be with me.

Show quote history

Bloody hell, @unicormb 🙄
How dramatic and not in the slightest bit helpful.

Sayhellosayhello · 13/08/2022 18:24

unicormb · 13/08/2022 16:19

I couldn't leave my kids. I would walk over hot coals to keep them with me.

This

I would sleep on a sofa bed/pull down bed in the lounge and each child can have one bedroom

Winterautumn · 13/08/2022 18:24

Don’t be ridiculous you can’t just leave your kids .. you know how it feels to be abandoned why would you consider this ?
honestly a small happy home is better that leaving your kids !

Winterautumn · 13/08/2022 18:25

diamondpony has the best solution

Seaweed42 · 13/08/2022 18:27

"Id make it very clear I’m not abandoning them"

No matter how clear you make it in words, your physical presence being gone is abandonment. That's how they will experience it, no matter how logical it is. Don't do that.

Original poster
Isittrueornot · 13/08/2022 18:28

And just so it’s clear I’ll no longer be moving away but staying in the same town as he can enforce me to stay here and he will do so I won’t even bother trying. It’s expensive here so hence why with option B they will be sharing a room and the lifestyle they are used to will be very different with a lot less money, so things will be harder for them. If they stay with their dad in the family home it won’t be as bad as the mortgage on that place is cheap compared to renting but obviously I won’t be there. Hence why I started this new thread, because a day on the circumstances and options are different.

People on the last thread where talking to me like shit saying why shouldn’t I leave the kids and why should he move out and I have no right moving away to secure their future, now Im considering it because they are my options I’m still being spoken to like shit, you need to make your minds up for goodness sake!!

OP posts: