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Original poster

A mum leaving children behind.

299 replies

Isittrueornot · 13/08/2022 16:09

Me and my recent ex of 17 are splitting up, we are not married. Here are my only 2 options. As a mum, what would you do?
Side note- dad is non abusive and efficient and hands on with kids.

A- As it’s upsetting for the children we are splitting, to keep them in their 3 bed family home and schools so they have some familiarity, you as the mum, moves out and rents local, leavening the kids in the family home with dad. You will work full time so see them a few evenings and EOweekend.

B- Sell the house and rent taking the kids with you. You can only afford a 2 bedroom so they will have to share. It’s unlikely you will ever be able to buy a property on your own so they will be sharing bedrooms probably forever. You will be restricted in the hours you work due to no family helping with childcare. Your on a low income, so can’t afford the extra for childcare. You will probably be in poverty for a long time, but hope to train and get a well pod job in 5/6 years.

Would you choose A or B? Bearing in mind A keeps them having their current lifestyle and school, and B will be nothing like they are used too and would change schools.

I would prefer for their dad to move out and rent instead as he has a better income and family close by to help him but he just won’t go.

Both own the family home, happy to keep my name on the mortgage as to be honest he can’t afford to buy me out and property never falls too far in london.

OP posts:
vroom321 · 13/08/2022 16:36

My mum left my dad in the family home with my brother and sister. My sister was also 12. She's 34 now but still talks about not having mum around.

My eldest is also 12 and I have been thinking about this a lot recently.

It's a difficult one. Sorry if I missed it. Could you rent near them? Who will look after the kids if they stay with dad?

marmiteandminticecream · 13/08/2022 16:37

you have painted a vert bleak picture of plan b, like your trying to justify leaving your kids
if you wanted your kids with you you would be planning their new life by trying to put a positive spin on a situation thats going to be tough for everyone
are you wanting to start your new life as a part time parent

Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits · 13/08/2022 16:37

SunshineAndFizz · 13/08/2022 16:33

I wouldn't accept "he just won't go."

This is the first thing I'd fight for before I considered A or B.

Why should you leave the house??! You're both on the mortgage.

Tell him you're not leaving so he'll have look into renting somewhere.

But he is on the mortgage too, so why should he leave?

I'm not denying the OP's right to split up and she is definitely in a hard place, but being a woman doesn't mean you should automatically get to stay in the house if you split up.

By the sounds of things they split the parenting and they are both on the mortgage. Neither are in a stronger position here. Ideally they would be able to sell the house and do approx 50/50 childcare.

But if he doesn't want to leave, and he's not abusive, and he is on the mortgage, and he is an equal parent she doesn't exactly have leverage to force him to leave.

vroom321 · 13/08/2022 16:39

A decent dad would move out in order to not unsettle the kids. Can you afford to live there?

PattyMelt · 13/08/2022 16:40

Sell the house, split the money, both rent, have the kids 50/50. He doesn't get to keep the house it's half yours. Kids adapt, they moan but they adapt. The actual house isn't that important, don't leave them behind

DreamToNightmare · 13/08/2022 16:41

vroom321 · 13/08/2022 16:39

A decent dad would move out in order to not unsettle the kids. Can you afford to live there?

Well maybe OP is being a “decent mum” by moving out in order not to unsettle the kids.

Neither parent has more rights to the property than the other.

passport123 · 13/08/2022 16:43

Why wouldn't dad help with childcare in option B?

Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits · 13/08/2022 16:44

vroom321 · 13/08/2022 16:39

A decent dad would move out in order to not unsettle the kids. Can you afford to live there?

But why? Why should a dad move out and leave his house and kids just because his wife wants to split up?

By the sounds of things he provides financially, he does his fair share of parenting, he isn't abusive.

Again, I don't deny the OPs right to split up, but I also don't see how a dad moving out is suddenly not going to unsettle the kids but a mum moving out will.

We don't know who the kids are closer to, for all we know they might prefer being left at the house with their dad.

This is why they need to come to a decision that's fair on both parents and the kids.

Mamette · 13/08/2022 16:44

Personally I think you’re overestimating the importance for the children of staying in the house. Things won’t be the same with you gone, it won’t be seamless continuity anyway.

Sell the house and start again, do 50/50 or whatever you agree with your exH.

vroom321 · 13/08/2022 16:45

It depends who they are closer to. But one is going to stay so why should it be the dad? I didn't miss my dad but I missed my mum.

Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits · 13/08/2022 16:45

passport123 · 13/08/2022 16:43

Why wouldn't dad help with childcare in option B?

This is a good point

In A you take about how often you would see the kids, but in B there is no reference at all to how often you ex would see the kids. If you are both managing to work full time at the moment, then you must have some childcare in place to facilitate that?

vroom321 · 13/08/2022 16:46

@Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits

I didn't notice the bit about who they are closer to but yes I agree.

TiddleyWink · 13/08/2022 16:47

I would stay married to him and be miserable myself before I would do either option TBH.

Option C: I would play the long game, up my income etc while living together in the family home and keeping the kids lives stable. Barring abuse, which you’ve confirmed isn’t the case here, I would stay put and only separate when I could do it without the kids living in poverty. Everyone on MN insists that staying in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the kids is always a mistake but I believe that’s not always the case.

Play the long game but don’t move out and leave your kids. They will quite possibly never forgive you or recover and if you live to regret it you may well not be able to just take them back, your ex will have a stronger argument for custody.

Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits · 13/08/2022 16:47

vroom321 · 13/08/2022 16:45

It depends who they are closer to. But one is going to stay so why should it be the dad? I didn't miss my dad but I missed my mum.

And why should it be the mum who stays?

If you own a property equally you don't get to demand extra rights just because you are a woman, any more than a man gets to demand extra rights because he is a man.

Equal rights is equal rights, not just equal rights until it doesn't suit you.

Which is why its better to sell and buy/rent separately

1985jf · 13/08/2022 16:51

B - you may be able to get a terraced house with a separate living room that you could convert into a bedroom so the kids have a room each. Im keeping my eye out for something similar as ill be in the same situation soon. Can only afford a two bed but need 3 bedrooms

Twawmyarse · 13/08/2022 16:52

I think your dds are old enough for you to have the conversation with them.

Maybe doing A would be best and then you can always move onto B if it doesn't work out?

Pixiedust1234 · 13/08/2022 16:53

At the end of the day a different house or school is a very normal thing that many children go through. Having a mother walk out and live elsewhere is not. Take the children.

Onandupw · 13/08/2022 16:53

Why don’t you sell and split the proceeds?

Undecidedandtorn · 13/08/2022 16:54

I did the nesting thing for 7 months- it was much better for the kids. We split the cost of a run down two bed flat between us and did a week on week off. We each have our own place full time now and the eldest wishes we could go back to when he got to live in one place rather than 2.

Clymene · 13/08/2022 16:55

I don't understand your plan to be honest. If you're still paying half the mortgage on the house, how are you going to be able to afford to rent somewhere where your kids can come and stay if you can't afford to do that with the proceeds of half the house sale?

Confused
Cas112 · 13/08/2022 16:55

What do the kids want to do?

Twawmyarse · 13/08/2022 16:55

Having re-read - yes, the obvious option seems to be sell the house and split 50/50. Why would you not do that?

Relationships break down all the time and I would think selling the house is the most obvious route?

Bouledeneige · 13/08/2022 16:56

Gosh it's difficult. But I wholeheartedly agree you can't leave the children. They will feel abandoned. Stick to your guns - there are a number of other scenarios which could be explored via a mediator.

Option C) you stay in the house

Option D) you sell the house ( if you own it) and both get smaller places. It seems to me that Option D is the only viable option as none of the others are acceptable to either of you and it us the fairest way to do it. This does depend on you being able to afford the place you get. It is in fact what most couples do when they split.

If you do see a mediator though you must stick to your guns and not be forced to accept A or B.

Clymene · 13/08/2022 16:56

And I'm one of 3 and we never had more than a 3 bed house. I had to share until my eldest sister left home.

Original poster
Isittrueornot · 13/08/2022 16:58

It’s only option A or B.
because if we sell the house is will be option B too.

This is just so hard!
I could afford to stay in the family home myself but he won’t leave, this is because the mortgage is very low as we bought years ago. Renting would cost me so much, putting us close to poverty.

With regards to the childcare comments, it’s because he has family close by who will help him, but I have no one.

OP posts: