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Original poster

A mum leaving children behind.

299 replies

Isittrueornot · 13/08/2022 16:09

Me and my recent ex of 17 are splitting up, we are not married. Here are my only 2 options. As a mum, what would you do?
Side note- dad is non abusive and efficient and hands on with kids.

A- As it’s upsetting for the children we are splitting, to keep them in their 3 bed family home and schools so they have some familiarity, you as the mum, moves out and rents local, leavening the kids in the family home with dad. You will work full time so see them a few evenings and EOweekend.

B- Sell the house and rent taking the kids with you. You can only afford a 2 bedroom so they will have to share. It’s unlikely you will ever be able to buy a property on your own so they will be sharing bedrooms probably forever. You will be restricted in the hours you work due to no family helping with childcare. Your on a low income, so can’t afford the extra for childcare. You will probably be in poverty for a long time, but hope to train and get a well pod job in 5/6 years.

Would you choose A or B? Bearing in mind A keeps them having their current lifestyle and school, and B will be nothing like they are used too and would change schools.

I would prefer for their dad to move out and rent instead as he has a better income and family close by to help him but he just won’t go.

Both own the family home, happy to keep my name on the mortgage as to be honest he can’t afford to buy me out and property never falls too far in london.

OP posts:
Shaniice · 14/08/2022 19:34

I’ve been in this situation and I honestly can’t imagine ever leaving my kids. You think a mother leaving won’t be a worse quality of life? Sell the house, use the equity as deposit on somewhere smaller in another city. Leaving your children will cause long term emotional damage. This option wouldn’t even cross my mind.

Mfsf · 14/08/2022 19:46

I Deal with a lot of divorces and I can honestly tell you only the second option is real imo . You are only thinking short term . What if your ex decides to remarry or move as a example ? How will you feel about it ? If you think you can deal with that then by all means I’m not one to criticise a leaving mum in this case as let’s be honest nobody would criticise a leaving dad . But I would be very careful as from experience children will see it as being left behind and that can leave massive scars , even years after .

Hio · 14/08/2022 19:47

Why should be move out? Same exact question.

She's initiated the split.

Summerofsyn · 14/08/2022 19:54

It has to be about whats best for the children.
Some people are saying (I’d never leave my children) but it can’t be about how you feel, the children HAVE too be put FIRST.
After all they do have a good father.

LocalHobo · 14/08/2022 19:54

A

Notsureaboutusername · 14/08/2022 20:00

I was in this situation. My children were 15 & 13 (Almost 16 & 14). They stayed with their Dad as they did not want to move schools. As mine were older it was their choice. I always had space for both of them in my new house and they did eventually move in with me once they had finished their schooling.

cherish123 · 14/08/2022 20:29

Is there any way you could both continue to live in the house but not as a couple?

celticprincess · 14/08/2022 20:43

I kept the family home but only my name was on the mortgage. I only work part time but for the same income as full time minimum wage. I get top up from tax credits. The ex rents a similar sized house and really struggles with money. As They live with me I get their child benefit and the child tax credits and he didn’t get help at all when working full time but now works a zero hours contract and does get top up from UC. He still struggles though as his wage is low.

there’s no ideal situation. My ex didn’t really suggest taking them with him and being the main carer. His job isn’t stable enough for that to even happen as he works away a lot.

I have also seen people do the bird nesting thing and did wonder how it worked in reality for them though.

Twentytwothousand · 14/08/2022 21:16

The kids will want to be with you. He can’t just insist on staying put. If both your names are on the mortgage sell the house. Or rent it out and put that towards a flat each but he doesn’t get to stay put because he says so. We lived in a tiny flat after my mum kicked my dad out and the house was sold (my mum slept in the front room). It may have driven her mad but for us all that mattered was that we were with our mum.

Nothappyatwork · 14/08/2022 21:34

cherish123 · 14/08/2022 20:29

Is there any way you could both continue to live in the house but not as a couple?

Yeah cause that would be a really healthy environment in which to raise children

Deafdonkey · 14/08/2022 21:36

The kids will want to be with you

Why, why wouldn't they want to be with their DF if he is a good parent. Why does having or not having a willy mean you are the best or worst parent?

MdNdD · 14/08/2022 22:12

I think maybe you are asking the wrong question.

perhaps you should be investigating how to get a partner out of the house who is cheating, bullying and refusing to leave.

sadly, you have said he is not abusive yet you have allowed him to push you to the point of considering leaving your children, just to get away from him.

Please call a women’s domestic violence charity and ask about your options. You will be out in touch with people who can help.

I can’t believe that not being married means you have no rights. Is that really the case? I just went through a very long and difficult divorce. It is scary to think I’d not have had any rights had we not been married. As he was emotionally manipulative, NPD. I’m not from the UK, I’m from a country where unmarried couples have the same rights (or near enough) as married couples, hence the shock.

Please don’t leave your children and move out. It will 100% definitely be used against you should you end up in court over the children. And CAFCASS definitely favour dads, don’t give them any more ammunition…

also, if you move out and don’t sell the house, I think it can become his, which means you lose all of your equity.

please call a charity or solicitor who is able to help you.

LindyLou2020 · 14/08/2022 22:17

FunnyBeaux · 14/08/2022 19:28

She jolly well should be. By her own admission her partner isn't abusive and is a good father. So she has some issues with him being sneaky. Boo hoo. Those issues are not unfixable. Upending her children's lives because 'I' have to be happy and I'm not willing to work on things is selfish and wrong.

Show quote history

@FunnyBeaux Where in OP's posts does she say "I have to be happy and and I'm not willing to work on things"?
We have no idea why the partnership is "unfixable". We do not know why she feels that the relationship cannot continue, but obviously it can't. These decisions are never easy or straightforward.
But OP is trying to do what's best for the children, and calling her selfish and cruel is just adding to the guilt she is already no doubt feeling.

Anele22 · 14/08/2022 23:05

You can get legal advice. They’re your children. You don’t need to be married. Think long and hard before you live them with a sneaky cheating father

FunnyBeaux · 15/08/2022 00:54

LindyLou2020 · 14/08/2022 22:17

@FunnyBeaux Where in OP's posts does she say "I have to be happy and and I'm not willing to work on things"?
We have no idea why the partnership is "unfixable". We do not know why she feels that the relationship cannot continue, but obviously it can't. These decisions are never easy or straightforward.
But OP is trying to do what's best for the children, and calling her selfish and cruel is just adding to the guilt she is already no doubt feeling.

Show quote history

She described the problem. She clearly wrote that he wasn't abusive and is a good dad. The issue is that he lied to her and did some sneaky behaviour, and she suspects that he cheated. No proof, just suspicion. Are you honestly saying this makes a relationship irredeemable, especially one that has lasted 17 years?

Like many marriages of so many years, issues have crept up. So you work on them. You don't take the easy route of running away from it all. Not when you have children.

Blueink · 15/08/2022 01:34

I’ve seen your updates OP, sorry you are in such a stressful situation, are you sure he wouldn’t leave, given more time? As you say he still hopes you will change your mind.
I would still look in to your rights now and see what help is available, good starting points are citizens advice and gingerbread.
I don’t know that I’d rush to put the house on the market next week, but do agree that A would probably be emotionally very difficult for the kids and you.

caringcarer · 15/08/2022 01:44

My nephews wife left their two children when they were 11 and 8. Both children were devastated and the eldest one has had to have counselling as he felt abandoned and became suicidal. He lost all his confidence, refused to go to school and refused to see his Mum again. Youngest became very quiet and anxious but has visits with his Mum and pleads with her to come back home. My nephew offered to move out so she could stay in house with kids but she said she wanted to be free. Your kids could feel abandoned if you don't give them choice of who they want to live with.

antelopevalley · 15/08/2022 02:07

Who is the current primary carer?
It is very rare to be fifty-fifty, so who is doing most of the caring e.g. who takes time off work when kids are sick, who gets up in the night if they are ill or upset, who takes them to the Dr and dentist, who deals with the school?
Children do best if they continue to live with their primary carer.

marvellousmaple · 15/08/2022 03:26

I don't think the maths makes sense if they have owned the house for 17 years and have a small mortgage. I wouldn't think there would be many houses in London for 300k ?

random9876 · 15/08/2022 07:10

Do you have to stay in London? Do you have support networks anywhere else in the country? It’s just that although 100k isn’t enough in London, it could be fine elsewhere. Could you leave with the kids somewhere a little bit further out from London?

What are your long term career options? You talk about retraining - many forms might not take that long. Have you spoken to a careers adviser?

also - timing wise, the upcoming cost of living crisis is likely to be severe. Sometimes now Is the only time to leave but could you delay while you work all this out?

basically your financial situation isn’t the best but it could be worse by a long way, as long as you can get your 100k. I would not be leaving my kids behind over it but I would be thinking long and hard about shoring up my financial prospects right now.

anglesee · 15/08/2022 07:27

If you truly want to
Split from hom, you need to sell the house
So you're leaving on an equal footing

Pleasecouldihavesomeadvice · 15/08/2022 07:31

Could you consider C
Both of you rent a small flat locally. On your child free weeks, the person goes to live in the flat, while the parent who’s got the kids, stays in the family home. Then switch

keeps kids in their family home, same school? less disruption

Fudgemonkeys · 15/08/2022 08:22

Get some legal advice as to what you are entitled to financially and then decide. Good luck

Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits · 15/08/2022 08:52

MdNdD · 14/08/2022 22:12

I think maybe you are asking the wrong question.

perhaps you should be investigating how to get a partner out of the house who is cheating, bullying and refusing to leave.

sadly, you have said he is not abusive yet you have allowed him to push you to the point of considering leaving your children, just to get away from him.

Please call a women’s domestic violence charity and ask about your options. You will be out in touch with people who can help.

I can’t believe that not being married means you have no rights. Is that really the case? I just went through a very long and difficult divorce. It is scary to think I’d not have had any rights had we not been married. As he was emotionally manipulative, NPD. I’m not from the UK, I’m from a country where unmarried couples have the same rights (or near enough) as married couples, hence the shock.

Please don’t leave your children and move out. It will 100% definitely be used against you should you end up in court over the children. And CAFCASS definitely favour dads, don’t give them any more ammunition…

also, if you move out and don’t sell the house, I think it can become his, which means you lose all of your equity.

please call a charity or solicitor who is able to help you.

Why would she call a domestic violence charity when she is not being abused

Someone refusing to leave a house they legally part own is not abusive.

Jeclop · 15/08/2022 08:56

Even if you are not married, I would get some legal advice before proceeding with any scenario. I think cohabiting for such a long time gives you some sort security.

Even if you just have a look at The Legal Queen on instagram. She answers all sorts of legal questions - mostly if not all, relationship / marriage related and your rights when you separate. You may be able to pop her a question to answer.

I'm really sorry you're in the situation. What a horrible, self centred, person that won't even put his children first.