A mum leaving children behind.

[Isittrueornot]

Me and my recent ex of 17 are splitting up, we are not married. Here are my only 2 options. As a mum, what would you do?
Side note- dad is non abusive and efficient and hands on with kids.

A- As it’s upsetting for the children we are splitting, to keep them in their 3 bed family home and schools so they have some familiarity, you as the mum, moves out and rents local, leavening the kids in the family home with dad. You will work full time so see them a few evenings and EOweekend.

B- Sell the house and rent taking the kids with you. You can only afford a 2 bedroom so they will have to share. It’s unlikely you will ever be able to buy a property on your own so they will be sharing bedrooms probably forever. You will be restricted in the hours you work due to no family helping with childcare. Your on a low income, so can’t afford the extra for childcare. You will probably be in poverty for a long time, but hope to train and get a well pod job in 5/6 years.

Would you choose A or B? Bearing in mind A keeps them having their current lifestyle and school, and B will be nothing like they are used too and would change schools.

I would prefer for their dad to move out and rent instead as he has a better income and family close by to help him but he just won’t go.

Both own the family home, happy to keep my name on the mortgage as to be honest he can’t afford to buy me out and property never falls too far in london.

Do not under any circumstances leave your children. No matter how much he says otherwise, the story will be that you abandoned them. I don’t know what you can do but please don’t do this.

I agree with the above Option C. It is not a popular opinion on mn but one I would have wanted as a child. My parents did Option C and I am eternally to them even though I know my mother was unhappy. PS they are still together in their 80s and my dad is now my mum's carer.

Since OP said their dad is "non abusive and efficient and hands on with kids", I believe Option C causes the least damage to the dcs long term.

Never ever leave your children. They will never understand and will always hate you for it. You will never get them back once you have left. You will put yourself at a moral disadvantage which your partner will take a huge advantage of.

But why are you assuming that his relatives will stop doing childcare if you split up

It feels like you are approaching this in a very black and white way

Either he gets the kids
Or you get the kids

Forget the house, forget the renting, forget the mortgage for a second.

You need to have an adult conversation about how you are going to share custody of your children. Because it may be that he won't move out because you seem to think one of you has to be the default parent and that's the one in the house and the other parent gets them occasionally. If he is as involved as you say why should he settle for that.

Work out your custody and childcare first then work out splitting the assets

I agree. I could never leave my dcs. As they say, over my dead body.

They don’t do childcare, I do. But i will then need to work. His family will do it for him, but they won’t do it for me, trust me!

I’ve been in a similar situation although mine was my fault and now my kids are teens they’re able to understand that being with me would mean a shittier quality of life. Sharing rooms, moving schools, less money no holidays etc and they would have chosen that to be with me every time. Don’t leave them, they’ll want to be with you no matter the cost. You can’t ever get that time back.

Option B no debate. On UC you will get upto 85 percent of childcare paid for your children the allowance is around 1100 for 2 kids each month approx .

You can get help with your rent too. Could dad realistically cope with 2 kids full time? He can't be that reasonable if your the one considering leaving the family home

You're still not explaining how you can afford to rent somewhere close by which is big enough for your children to stay in if you don't sell the house but that if you sell, you'll have to move miles away to afford to rent?

It doesn't make sense. And if your mortgage is low, you must have a lot of equity

So how do you manage to work now?

He won’t move out because he wants to keep me trapped here with him so we get back together. He cheated. This is why he is purposely making it hard. His saying stay with me and everything is easy, or move out and loose the kids, or move out and take them and they will have a shittier life. His blackmailing me, but it won’t work because I’m going, I just don’t know what to do with regards to what’s best for the kids.

Not being funny….but of course I’m their favourite parent, I’m mum and their FULL time cater- dad works long night shifts so they don’t see him half the week on most weeks but not all.

You’ve said he can’t afford to buy you out, so him staying in the house isn’t an option.

Can you afford to buy him out?

I work from home. When they are at school, when they are sleeping, when they go off and play etc.

I would not leave my children. I'm curious about your partner refusing to leave? Is he basically bullying you into leaving? Who currently does most of the childcare?

I wouldnt do either of these. I would stay in the family home. Until he leaves. If thats never then so be it. But everyone is different.

We can’t afford to buy each other out, it’s would be 100k

Have you checked what, if any benefits you are entitled to?
I think you're assuming quality of life is associated with a bigger home. But you're leaving the relationship because you think he's sneaky and lied. All of that is going to impact the DCs - the end of the relationship; your DH being sneaky and lying; your DH being the sort of man who refuses to discuss practicalities and is determined to keep the house.
My SIL left her DCs. I'm sure she listed similar reasons ie their DF had more childcare, etc. The outcome was that two of her three DCs cut all contact with her. She has no relationship with them at all.
Don't underestimate the message you're sending to your DCs by saying 'I'm leaving this man because he is impossible to trust and live with - but I'm expecting you to put up with it.'

His not bullying me into leaving, his bullying me into staying, regardless of his lying, sneaky behaviour (I think his had/having an affair)

Right so he's not a hands on dad then

We only have your info to go off when we are replying to these posts.

So, if he currently doesn't do their childcare, and you currently manage to work from home around their school etc, why is childcare an issue if you split up?

@EmergencyHepNeeded is right. Never leave your DC. Never. They will never understand and you will always regret it and won't be able to fix it. If A and B are the only choices, chose B.

From what I have observed (2 splits, 1 widower) in a type A scenario a stepmother will move into the family home within a few months. How would that feel?

Good point @AlexandriasWindmill

Then you either live in the house together, or you sell the house and start afresh.

Which will mean adult discussions on how both the equity and childcare/custody are split.

I agree with the person who suggested you need legal advice.

I agree with whoever said above its odd with a low mortgage and having bought years ago thst there’s not a lot of equity in the property?

Another good point @IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads I would go mad!! To be honest, that point alone has made me decide it can be nothing other than option B