A mum leaving children behind.

[Isittrueornot]

Me and my recent ex of 17 are splitting up, we are not married. Here are my only 2 options. As a mum, what would you do?
Side note- dad is non abusive and efficient and hands on with kids.

A- As it’s upsetting for the children we are splitting, to keep them in their 3 bed family home and schools so they have some familiarity, you as the mum, moves out and rents local, leavening the kids in the family home with dad. You will work full time so see them a few evenings and EOweekend.

B- Sell the house and rent taking the kids with you. You can only afford a 2 bedroom so they will have to share. It’s unlikely you will ever be able to buy a property on your own so they will be sharing bedrooms probably forever. You will be restricted in the hours you work due to no family helping with childcare. Your on a low income, so can’t afford the extra for childcare. You will probably be in poverty for a long time, but hope to train and get a well pod job in 5/6 years.

Would you choose A or B? Bearing in mind A keeps them having their current lifestyle and school, and B will be nothing like they are used too and would change schools.

I would prefer for their dad to move out and rent instead as he has a better income and family close by to help him but he just won’t go.

Both own the family home, happy to keep my name on the mortgage as to be honest he can’t afford to buy me out and property never falls too far in london.

So... the man should leave the house because why?

Because she decided that she thinks he's sneaky.. and wants to end the relationship? Therfore the man is the one to go find a new house whilst still paying for the current house?

Why does the man have to have the raw end of the deal? especially when in this case, hasn't done much wrong?

I find it bizarre then again, this is mumsnet.

i have not read all the comments so someone else might already have suggested it.
If you choose option b you might want to get a pension estimation done. Since your plan doesn’t involve buying again it looks like you might not be able to afford to rent once you are retired.

I would try and aim for a nesting method and perhaps with the help of a mediator if he is willing. Otherwise, option A.

Thirty years ago, I chose Option A regarding my DCs. For similar reasons to OP

What I didn’t know at the time was that leaving the marital home and the DCs with their Dad left me regarded in the Court’s eyes as having “abandoned” my DCs. Even if a mother left to escape physical abuse when she was not allowed out with the DCs so could not take them with her.

Plus, awful though this sounds, the DCs were a financial asset. Having the RP status gave you access to various benefits. And the more time with the RP, the greater percentage of those benefits.

If the ex moves into a new relationship, his amicable attitude might well change.
Soon after I moved out, my ex began moves to change all the goal posts - access, overnight stays, going on holiday, spending time with my GPs. Basically, being with me "disrupted the DCs (new) settled home life."

I realise the “rules” may have changed now but, at that time (early 1990s) that was how it was and my solicitor failed to warn me.

Why don't you have equal custody?

My mum initiated the divorce with my dad. She moved out to a fairly grotty flat in the same area so I could stay at the same school. I spent every other week with her/dad and would swap on Fridays after school. I essentially had two bedrooms, two sets of clothes, books, toys etc and I would take anything I was currently reading/wanted to wear that week etc with me. Summer holidays I did three weeks with each.

It worked really well, I got to spend equal time with my parents and despite the income disparity between them and the difference in housing (posh four bedroom in the good part of town vs grotty flat in the not so good bit) I still enjoyed spending my time with each of them and the different experiences that being in each place gave me.

With 100K you could look at a part buy- part rent option of a home. So you would get a 3 bed home and not have to leave your children. He should be the one to leave but as he won't then look at this option instead. I had to leave, despite my exh having an affair and have ended up renting ever since. My exH chose not to see our sons for over 8 years at one point and often refused to have regular contact with them. Despite renting all these years I am happy knowing that my sons have had a good life and a stable home .

As someone whose mother left, you can't blame anyone but yourself if you've had no contact since they were small.

Maybe ask your kids. As a six year old I would have been distraught if my mum left me with my dad...my mum was my principal carer and I would have felt she didnt love me. At 12 my mum did leave the family home, my dad told me she didnt want either me or my brother....I was in bits. I met her a couple of weeks later and found out my dad threw her out and in fact she wanted us. They reunited a month or so later...but I never forgave my dad for the lie. Your kids arent babies, let them make the decison.

He won't leave? Wot if you won't leave either? He's only thinking of himself. Dont budge. See a solicitor. Obviously he should move, it's what any decent father would do.

So he won't leave and isonly thinking about himself. She won't leave but that's ok.

it's what any decent father would do.

What absolute rubbish.

I would do it differently. Split up but continue living in the same house whilst you build your business back up. You can’t force him to leave but neither can he force you to stay and he can’t force you to be in a relationship with you.

Hi OP, late into the conversation but

If you leave, the kids won't ever be given to you in custody battle. :( it happened to my cousin whose hubby was brining other women back to their house to shag!

Best to sell up and use shared ownership to buy your own place. Make your contribution to shared owernership what you get out of selling the house less furnitre costs if you can, then theres no mortgage - you can pay rent on the rest which is taken into account in benefit assessment. He will need to make a contribution to you providing a home for the kids but sounds like it might not be much cos he won't be able to afford it.

He can buy shared ownership too so you both gave enough bedrooms for the kids.

Good luck x

Sorry if I have misread but can't you do plan A, but you stay in the house with the kids and your ex moves out? He can have his own place and kids visit him and he can have them on the weekends etc. So plan A with him moving out, not you.

I couldn't leave them - I'd live in a shit hole and get benefits rather than leave kids with their dad. I'm old fashioned - children belong with their mummy. daddy will have to play the supporting role sorry in my view. I probably will get slate for this, but shared custody I do not think is good for the children

human instinct "I want my mummy!!!!!!" kids need their mum more than their dad - sorry but its truth

Bollocks is it. Kids want their primary care giver first.

Not if it’s their dad that’s raised them.

Utter nonsense.

If my wonderful DSC had stayed with their 'mummy' they in all probability would no longer be alive.

Really, so shite 'mummy' parenting is still the best, purely because it's mummy?
@PaddingtonBearStareAgain I'm really sorry your step children had to experience that, but glad they are safe now.

Thank you.

I feel for the OP, she's in a rubbish situation.

But I am genuinely shocked by some of the posters that think a man should have to move out of his home that he part owns and leave his kids behind to prove that he is a 'good dad' on the grounds that he once deleted some text messages.

And no, children aren't automatically better with their mother. In fact children are statistically more likely to be abused by their mother than their father (I will caveat that with the fact that the studies don't adjust for the fact that many children are raised by single mothers and therefore the stats are more likely to skew this way)

Regardless of the caveat all mothers are not created equal and lets not pretend you suddenly become a saint because you gave birth. Some children would be better off with their mother, some wouldn't. And the vast majority of children are better of with contact with both parents.

My dm chose option A. Our lifelong relationship never recovered.

What about C
you rent 1 bed
either he is there or you are
50:50

is that an option ?