A mum leaving children behind.

[Isittrueornot]

Me and my recent ex of 17 are splitting up, we are not married. Here are my only 2 options. As a mum, what would you do?
Side note- dad is non abusive and efficient and hands on with kids.

A- As it’s upsetting for the children we are splitting, to keep them in their 3 bed family home and schools so they have some familiarity, you as the mum, moves out and rents local, leavening the kids in the family home with dad. You will work full time so see them a few evenings and EOweekend.

B- Sell the house and rent taking the kids with you. You can only afford a 2 bedroom so they will have to share. It’s unlikely you will ever be able to buy a property on your own so they will be sharing bedrooms probably forever. You will be restricted in the hours you work due to no family helping with childcare. Your on a low income, so can’t afford the extra for childcare. You will probably be in poverty for a long time, but hope to train and get a well pod job in 5/6 years.

Would you choose A or B? Bearing in mind A keeps them having their current lifestyle and school, and B will be nothing like they are used too and would change schools.

I would prefer for their dad to move out and rent instead as he has a better income and family close by to help him but he just won’t go.

Both own the family home, happy to keep my name on the mortgage as to be honest he can’t afford to buy me out and property never falls too far in london.

I would do option c but make it clear we’ve split up. Separate sleeping arrangements if possible. There is no way I would pick one of his options.
Option C would mean separate holidays, trips out, not doing his laundry or cooking.

House has about 200k equity so a lot. Split between us that’s 100k and why we can’t buy each other out.

Think I’m going to go with sell the house and do option B

This does depend on whether there’s an OW and what your ex’s plans are regarding her, but have you looked into nesting? It’s when the kids stay in the family home and the parents take it in turns to be there with them. You’d have to rent a one-bed flat nearby for whichever of you is off duty and which you would share the cost of, then you each return to the family home when it’s your turn with the kids. That way the kids get to stay in their home and with their normal routine and the parents just come and go.

I hadn’t heard of it when we split but I sort of wish we’d done it.

My dad moved out. Then my mom decided she 'couldn't cope' with us anymore, so we had to move out too.

I've always resented her.

How old are the kids? EOW isn't enough.

100k equity is a very decent size deposit.

Can you look for somewhere as others have said that has a separate dining room or a bigger living room that can be carved up into a separate bedroom.

Or get a house with a big master bedroom, split that it two for the kids and you have the smaller room?

Could DCs stay in home and you get a one bed and both you and ex do the alternating?

It’s just a continuation of this thread

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4609051-he-refuses-to-go

op just reposting and rewording it because they either are a trolling or b didn’t get the answer they wanted first time

He refuses to go! 165
Isittrueornot · 11/08/2022 09:45
He just won’t leave! I’m going to be screwed!

Not married (yes I know I’m stupid, I’ll be ensuring my daughters done make the same mistake)! My income is very low and I can’t afford the mortgage and bills on my own so will need to look for a job when the kids go back to school in a month and just coast into debt until then. I’m terrified!!

It’s joint mortgage, he won’t leave. He has family close by who he can go stay with but refuses too. My family are 200 miles away and with the kids school here isn’t a option. My family don’t have room for us to stay but his does as they are well off with a big childhood home.

If we sell the house I’ll have 100k which isn’t enough to house me and 2 kids, I can’t get the mortgage as my income is so low it’s pathetic, I’m on such a low wage.

He just wants to stay as I’m trapped here and given enough time he thinks we will just end up back together as we live together, that’s why he won’t leave. I’m trapped here and 12 years until the youngest is 18 and I don’t want to live with an ex for 12 years because I can’t afford to live alone!!!

Please someone tell me what to do. How can I ensure a secure place to live for me and the kids here so they can attend their current schools!! South east london so you get the gist of my housing problem-no one is even getting a garage for 100k around here let alone a flat/small house. Please tell me what to do!!

This

Sell up, move out and take your kids with you. You'll manage and your children will adjust. Do not let this arse manipulate into staying in an unhappy relationship.

I’d get some legal advice.
what is your ex’s stance in this? Does he want you to move out and take the children?

There is no way I’d leave my children so I’d choose B.

You should definitely seek legal advice though.

If you sell the house can you use that equity to buy, rather than rent? Obviously you'd need to move to a cheaper area, but letting that kind of money disappear into rent, would be tragic. You'll never have that level of liquid funds again.

C) get marriage counselling

It seems like you are coming round to option B. I think that no way should they be full time with your partner. You have said he works nights and on some shifts hardly sees them. You have been their main carer. I don’t think he would manage even with help from his family. Try and push to stay in the family home and he moves. Get advice.

OP in other thread can't afford to. They aren't married. If sold OP would get £100k.

Sell. Split income.

find out what he actually wants for custody (will he fight for 50/50?). And what you want? You’ve said they’d rather be with you so if I was in your shoes I’d be fighting to have them as much as possible.

you might have to move somewhere cheaper and move their schools but if you’ve no family nearby and can work from home why is that an issue? They’ll adjust. The 6 year old will adjust very quickly and the 12 year old is better moved now than in a few years.

Speak to a solicitor before you do anything.

In your previous thread you said that if you sold the house, you'd get 100k? Even on a low wage, with a deposit like that I'm sure you'd be able to get a mortgage?

Read the other thread she cannot get the mortgage in her own name so she wants partner to move out, stay with his m7m, while sacrificing his equity in the property and keeping his name on the mortgage so he wouldn’t be able to buy anything else.

she wants to split, is drip dripping details of husband with changing story wants to have her cake and eat it

DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE OR THEM.
This would not work in your favour at all.

C) live in house with children and evict dp.

If needing to work full time, find a child minder, after school clubs etc,

I think you have made your decision. I would definitely do option B and move the children nearer to my family. I know it’s a whole uproot for them but I’m hoping property may be cheaper there? I would find it hard enough to share never mind let him have them most. I also agree wouldn’t be long before he shipped in a new girlfriend and you would then be up against that scenario. Could you not speak to your children especially the teenager and go through everything at an age appropriate level. I’m pretty sure no matter how much they wouldn’t want the changes they would pick you every time. As someone else said they won’t be young for long so make the most of it and if you can at least survive worry about everything else later. I think they will thank you for it, a good lesson for them that they don’t have to put up with a shitty partner.

This.

You've clearly already made up your mind and just looking for some sort of validation that it's ok.
I wouldn't leave my kids. I'd leave and do my best to make it out, even if it were hard.

I don’t get why option A means you only visit the kids some evenings and have them EOW, so aren’t doing any childcare, but option B means you are doing everything alone and don’t have any help with childcare. Why isn’t 50/50 contact an option? Or why isn’t the parent they don’t live with going to be doing any of the childcare?

I wouldn’t move out and leave the children behind personally, but I would work towards something with more shared care of the kids.

Yep. I still stand by my thoughts as to he shouldn't have to move out just because he's the man. The woman has no more right to be there than him.
Plus OP stick to one story, you've already said in this thread, he maybe cheating, then it's that he has, then back to he may have.