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Original poster

A mum leaving children behind.

299 replies

Isittrueornot · 13/08/2022 16:09

Me and my recent ex of 17 are splitting up, we are not married. Here are my only 2 options. As a mum, what would you do?
Side note- dad is non abusive and efficient and hands on with kids.

A- As it’s upsetting for the children we are splitting, to keep them in their 3 bed family home and schools so they have some familiarity, you as the mum, moves out and rents local, leavening the kids in the family home with dad. You will work full time so see them a few evenings and EOweekend.

B- Sell the house and rent taking the kids with you. You can only afford a 2 bedroom so they will have to share. It’s unlikely you will ever be able to buy a property on your own so they will be sharing bedrooms probably forever. You will be restricted in the hours you work due to no family helping with childcare. Your on a low income, so can’t afford the extra for childcare. You will probably be in poverty for a long time, but hope to train and get a well pod job in 5/6 years.

Would you choose A or B? Bearing in mind A keeps them having their current lifestyle and school, and B will be nothing like they are used too and would change schools.

I would prefer for their dad to move out and rent instead as he has a better income and family close by to help him but he just won’t go.

Both own the family home, happy to keep my name on the mortgage as to be honest he can’t afford to buy me out and property never falls too far in london.

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 13/08/2022 16:11

Who's initiated the split?

MichelleScarn · 13/08/2022 16:12

And how old are the kids? Would they want to leave?

PeekAtYou · 13/08/2022 16:15

What is he likely to want ? You might say A is fine but your ex might not want that. Being RP parent means not being able to go to work if kids are sick, not being able to go on business trips etc.

Kids sharing isn't the end of the world. Worst case scenario, you can sleep in the living room.

oviraptor21 · 13/08/2022 16:15

More info here 😉
www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4609051-he-refuses-to-go?page=1

bloodywhitecat · 13/08/2022 16:16

B because they won't be little forever, you'll be able to work/retrain and improve your lifestyle in the future.

PeekAtYou · 13/08/2022 16:16

With A, they'd be sharing when they visit you anyway

Original poster
Isittrueornot · 13/08/2022 16:17

I initiated the split because he was being sneaky and lying about things, could have possibly had an affair but don’t have proof of that part.

OP posts:
SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 13/08/2022 16:17

Can I ask why a) has to be EOW?

Can you choose c). You move out and find somewhere local to rent, if on a low income you may qualify for some benefits to help pay this and to top up your wages. You both have the DC 3 nights in a row, so weekends are split, or you go for 3/4 with alternating Wednesdays or something.

that way nobody pays any maintenance (with your plan b you would be liable to pay your XH child maintenance as he would be considered the main carer. He would also get the child benefit if eligible, and any single parent help available.) It sounds like you could benefit from some of the support available to you as a lone mum.

Original poster
Isittrueornot · 13/08/2022 16:18

Kids are 6 and 12, both the same sex. Teenager would HATE sharing, especially for a long time.

OP posts:
DreamToNightmare · 13/08/2022 16:18

When my sister told me she was leaving her long term partner she told me she was leaving the children with him as it was easier for the same reasons you gave. They were 5 and 7.

After about 2-3 weeks of this scenario my sister realised how impractical it was as the children just wanted to be with her and she missed them dreadfully.

She had to change her plans so she could have the children with her (type B scenario) and it made life very difficult for her for many years but ultimately she did was best for the children, which for them was to be with their mum.

You haven’t mentioned the ages of your children and I think this is a massive factor you need to take in to consideration.

As un-PC as it may be to say this, I think young children would generally rather be with their mothers.

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 13/08/2022 16:18

If I had to choose from your a and b then I can see why a looks appealing from the POV of stability for the children. But you also need to factor in their mental well-being and suddenly having their mum absent for a long time would be harder for some kids than others. I feel like my eldest would have been ok with this, but my younger ones not so much.

bloodywhitecat · 13/08/2022 16:19

Make the living room your bedroom? Divide up the bigger bedroom with a room divider?

unicormb · 13/08/2022 16:19

I couldn't leave my kids. I would walk over hot coals to keep them with me.

Bluebellsand · 13/08/2022 16:20

It depends on the children personality. Some children would be OK, with option A others not so much.

By few evenings, how much does that mean. 50:50 is better for a lot of children.

Original poster
Isittrueornot · 13/08/2022 16:21

Yes @unicormb, but would you walk them over hot coals? I suppose that’s kind of the question. Leave them so it’s better for them or take them so they are with mum but have a shittier life

OP posts:
Clymene · 13/08/2022 16:21

Their current lifestyle is living at home with their mum and dad. If you move out and leave them, they will think you've abandoned them. Don't do it.

Original poster
Isittrueornot · 13/08/2022 16:23

That’s a big fear of mine, to think that I’d abandon them. I was abandoned so it’s a nerve hit for me. Which is why I think their dad is making it this way, just to be mean instead of him going to rent being as he has the money and family close by!!

Id make it very clear I’m not abandoning them and I’m close by and they can always come stay

OP posts:
unicormb · 13/08/2022 16:23

Isittrueornot · 13/08/2022 16:21

Yes @unicormb, but would you walk them over hot coals? I suppose that’s kind of the question. Leave them so it’s better for them or take them so they are with mum but have a shittier life

They'd walk over them themselves to be with me.

Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits · 13/08/2022 16:23

Would your Ex be up for birdnesting, at least temporarily whilst you get both your finances and plans sorted (this is where you rent a flat and half the week you live in the flat and half the week he does. The other half you aren't in the flat you live in the house with the kids, so the kids get stability)

This will only work if he is not abusive though (I haven't read your other thread so I don't know if its an issue) and its really only viable short term but it might give both of you more time to understand what you want to do next and what the best thing for the kids is.

bloodywhitecat · 13/08/2022 16:26

Have you had legal advice about this?

Original poster
Isittrueornot · 13/08/2022 16:27

No legal advice, but not married so no point really.

OP posts:
quietnightmare · 13/08/2022 16:29

Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits · 13/08/2022 16:23

Would your Ex be up for birdnesting, at least temporarily whilst you get both your finances and plans sorted (this is where you rent a flat and half the week you live in the flat and half the week he does. The other half you aren't in the flat you live in the house with the kids, so the kids get stability)

This will only work if he is not abusive though (I haven't read your other thread so I don't know if its an issue) and its really only viable short term but it might give both of you more time to understand what you want to do next and what the best thing for the kids is.

This

Or

Ask the kids

3luckystars · 13/08/2022 16:31

No way would I leave them, or the house. Fight back!

DreamToNightmare · 13/08/2022 16:33

Isittrueornot · 13/08/2022 16:21

Yes @unicormb, but would you walk them over hot coals? I suppose that’s kind of the question. Leave them so it’s better for them or take them so they are with mum but have a shittier life

But you need to ask them what they deem as being “a better life” because as it stands you are making that judgement on their behalf.

For a lot of children, their mother leaving the family home would be the shittest thing and would certainly not equate with your version of what a “better life” is for them.

You’re looking at it from a sensible long-term angle, which is absolutely fine and understandable because you want to put your children first, but the reality of the situation is that they would probably much prefer to be with you even if it does equate to a less than ideal living situation. .

SunshineAndFizz · 13/08/2022 16:33

I wouldn't accept "he just won't go."

This is the first thing I'd fight for before I considered A or B.

Why should you leave the house??! You're both on the mortgage.

Tell him you're not leaving so he'll have look into renting somewhere.

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