Scared to tell my dp what a selfish arse he is in case he ends it.

[Whoevenami16]

we have been together for eight years. I was previously in 25 year EA marriage that ended with Courts and Barristers. I have Adult children that live independently. Dp never been married, no children and is younger than me.
but he’s a man child. He is out regularly, has hobbies that go on for hours and socialises without me a lot. He went out golfing today, left the house at 8.30 this morning. I asked him to please not go mad drinking as we are out for the whole day together tomorrow. He called me at 7 to say he would be done by 8 and he would call me for a lift home. At 10.30 he called. He has been sick all over my car, in the bedroom and the bathroom. So tomorrow is likely to be a right off. Sunday he has his hobby all day.
I am furious and sad. I feel that it shows complete lack of respect for me. The drinking to excess like that makes my anxiety kick off. He knows this.
I love him very much and don’t know how to handle this.
would you be upset and what would you say to him.

I feel such a failure

I would say goodbye

But that's not what you want to hear. You want to hear there's some magic words you can say to make him grow up and behave like an adult

The truth is he won't. He knew you had your day planned tomorrow. Your one day together. And he's ruined it.

He's showing you how little he thinks of you. Where his priorities are.

Find someone who cares about you.

Ps. You are not the failure. He is.

You will only 'fail' if you try to make him change. Because he won't.

I feel such a failure

Why?

Tbh, it sound like he'd be doing you a favour if he ended it!

Tomorrow is only going to be a write off if you let it. Get up early, spend the day doing something nice for yourself and leave him to it.

I would say, I'd suggest he gives up his hobby on Sunday to do something with you instead but I won't say that because I'd have lost respect for him by now, given it doesn't sound like a one off incident, and I'd be thinking about what I want my life, weekends and relationship to really look like.

Any one would be righteously upset and angry at his behaviour OP.

Why so you feel like a failure when it’s him failing at being a partner and a functioning adult?

You have to end it OP. I know that’s probably a very painful idea but you can’t drag this on, you will only hurt yourself further.

You will only 'fail' if you try to make him change. Because he won't.

Or stick around hoping he'll change and feeling sorry for yourself. Also because he won't

It big girls pant time, I think.

I feel a failure in relationships.

I’m just so sad, I feel sick at the thought of leaving him and splitting up.
you are right. I’m hoping for magic words that will make him see sense and for him to see what he is destroying.

You don't say how old he is but he probably enjoys his life as it is and he doesn't want to change. And why would he when you're fitting around him so neatly?

48

As Judge Judy would say, he's cooked! He's never going to change.

Get out now while you still can!

I put up with this crap for 8 years, he broke me as a person.

Finally back on my feet and met a man who treats me properly.

Trust me when I say it will only get worse.

If you don't want to end it, put ur foot down, let him know you won't take his crap or show him the door.

Good luck.

he has been sick all over my car, in the bedroom and the bathroom.

Can't get much worse on MN for shit men, can it?!

Get him to clean it up OP.

Like Julia Roberts says - or some such "We are not rehabilitation centres for men".

I have no idea why women put up with this,.

Sorry Op. Life is good as a single mum.

www.frolo.com/

What's your housing situation OP?

Can you go back to dating him rather than living with him?
Or maybe you need to just break up?

You're only a failure at relationships if you stay in them when they're clearly not enhancing your life in any way.

Even then I wouldn't use the word failure. There is something deep down inside you that feels that men who are funky mature, responsible, decent, and loving are out of your league, and you need to put up with the 'projects'.

Essentially what this is is you avoiding true intimacy. You need to end this relationship (and send him the bill for cleaning your car). You need to start figuring out why you think second best is all you deserve and why you are avoiding true intimacy and equality by choosing men who would need to change significantly before they were relationship material.

It would be goodbye from me
What a selfish person and he'd be cleaning his own sick up in the morning.
I'd get up early get ready and go out for the whole day without him. X

Who's house is it? Can you live separately for awhile?

I would say to him "here is the bucket and mop, clean up the disgusting mess you made last night".
Then I would say to him "fuck off from my house and don't let the door slam you in the arse".

It’s his house. I moved in with him during covid. Mine is rented out but I am financially independent - thankfully

Having standards isn't failing.

That's gross. I'd go out and do whatever you planned to do without him and tell him your car is to be sparkling by the time you get home.

Disgusting

he's snoring away and I’m crying - it’s just rubbish
feeling sorry for myself and deciding what to say to him in the morning

Read him the riot act!!!

Do you really love him? Or are you scared of being single?

I’d be waking him at 8 handing him the bucket sponge and mop and telling him to fix the car, bedroom and bathroom and to think if he wants/ how he will fix his relationship

Also why are you picking him up you are enabling his behaviour, if you agreed 7 or 8 and then he wanted 10 my answer would have been nope get a taxi/Uber. He is showing an absolute disrespect for you and your time/evening

What ever you had planned for today - go out & do it all the same.
Don’t let his selfishness derail you.

Learn from your life experience.
Do not catastrophise from your experience, learn from it.
Did you stay too long in your last relationship? Don’t make the same mistake by hanging on to this situation.

Distorting your true self does not make anyone behave better, indeed some people take it as a green light to go too far.

This is not the only relationship that you will have, so there is no reason - after all, you are financially independent etc - for you to short change yourself with an oversized self-indulgent baby.

Do you love him? It doesn’t actually matter because he’s not good for you.

You need to send this person out of your life.
You love him why?

It will lead to your anxiety killing you as a person. Living on tenterhooks every time he goes out. They all seem to like a woman keeping house for them at home. Do you feel like his mum?