Scared to tell my dp what a selfish arse he is in case he ends it.

[Whoevenami16]

we have been together for eight years. I was previously in 25 year EA marriage that ended with Courts and Barristers. I have Adult children that live independently. Dp never been married, no children and is younger than me.
but he’s a man child. He is out regularly, has hobbies that go on for hours and socialises without me a lot. He went out golfing today, left the house at 8.30 this morning. I asked him to please not go mad drinking as we are out for the whole day together tomorrow. He called me at 7 to say he would be done by 8 and he would call me for a lift home. At 10.30 he called. He has been sick all over my car, in the bedroom and the bathroom. So tomorrow is likely to be a right off. Sunday he has his hobby all day.
I am furious and sad. I feel that it shows complete lack of respect for me. The drinking to excess like that makes my anxiety kick off. He knows this.
I love him very much and don’t know how to handle this.
would you be upset and what would you say to him.

I feel such a failure

Take back some control here. Leave and spend time focusing on yourself and build your self esteem so losers and projects will never again be appealing to you. Better to be single than tied to someone like this.

Op, I do understand you. I was in a marriage for a long time to a man that I should have left but didn’t. I stayed because like you, I didn’t want to ‘fail’. He died and in a vulnerable state, I became involved with someone else who I should never have got involved with. Again, I stayed even though as I was miserable as I didn’t want to ‘fail’. I wanted to be the person who changed him. I escaped and now I can honestly say I am ‘living my best life’ as the kids say. I can do what I want, go where I want, see who I want, I am free. I’m finally learning to find out who I am, what I want and who I want to be with. I have strong boundaries about how I deserve and expect to be treated and now have no compunction in enforcing them. ‘Failing’ was good for me.
I really really hope you find that freedom too OP.

OP even if it was normal (it's not) and every man behaved like this, it makes no difference because you don't like it.

You are in the amazing, enviable, position of being financially independent and having your own place.

Yet you're currently in a relationship where you thankful that you don't have to clean up an adult man's vomit.

is he apologetic again this time?

At his age no it’s not normal. He clearly isn’t aware when he needs to stop drinking, or ignores the signs. Vomiting all over cars and bathrooms is pretty disgusting. Does he drink a lot at home? I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who drinks to excess like this, especially as like you I don’t drink. I used to drink, and I also didn’t know when it was time to stop. I stopped for health reasons, and don’t miss it. I can see now I was not a good drunk, bottled things up, always cried etc. I’m not with my ex now (for different reasons) but it can’t have been nice for him every weekend wondering if I’ll drink a bit too much and end up arguing with him or crying over something.

So the next episode has happened, and as suspected, nothing has changed, he was just "good" for a couple of months.

He prefers drink to you. He chooses alcohol over you. He has some kind of alcohol problem.

You gave him an ultimatum. If you don't stick to it, you're basically saying actually I will put up with this behaviour whatever I say at the time.

Move out.

Yuk.

It isn’t normal, no.

But I’m not sure that is the most important question.

Op this is absolutely not normal beyond the age of about 25, most of us have probably done it but then we grow up and realise that it’s not cool.
This would be an absolute deal breaker for me, I don’t drink much, never in the house, so yeah I would not want to live my life that way and wouldn’t wake to be with someone who did. You really and truly deserve more than this man.
He genuinely is showing you a total lack of respect, he is showing his home a lack of respect and clearly doesn’t care about himself, this behaviour is disgusting, it would turn my stomach to live with someone like this. Like being in a relationship with a teenager with no impulse control, this is a man child, not a man.

I think going out once every 3 months and getting very drunk isn’t the end of the world - occasionally I’m sick when I’m drunk, my husband also has a tendency to come home early hours and be sick when he’s been out.

BUT - neither of us would do this if we had something planned the next day. So if he can spend the next day being hanging and it not affect you, then I don’t really see a problem. If you had plans then he’s a selfish dick with no self control.

Also, if he misses the toilet he ALWAYS cleans it himself - don’t degrade yourself by cleaning up a 48 year old man’s vomit.

It’s normal for students. It’s not common for adults, unless they have issues.

I’m no puritan- I have done it very occasionally (I can recall once in my 40’s), but it’s not an annual occurrence, more like 1-2 times a decade.

If I did it regularly DH would rightly take issue.

OP you are in a lot better position than many posters on these boards as you have somewhere to go - so use your advantages to make life better for yourself.

I would give notice to the tenants in your own property and prepare to move out of BF's house and back in to your own.

And please get the idea out of your head that somehow you are a "failure" at relationships - you are not.

I divorced a lazy @r$e many years ago and spent over 10 years on my own. I refused to settle for anyone who wasn't a mature, kind, empathetic, hard-working person.

Now I am married to a wonderful man who pulls his weight and treats me with respect.

Trust me OP, you'd be better off living in a tent in Outer Mongolia sleeping with Yaks then being here with some selfish pig of a man that disrespects you at every turn.

So you made your ultimatum that you’d leave if it kept happening and it’s happened again- you need to stick to your word and leave him

You are not a failure. This is about his atrocious behaviour. I find it difficult to understand how you can love someone who treats you so poorly. Are you sure it is love?

Sorry you are in this situation OP. I hope you find the strength to leave. Well done for being financially independent. Did you get some therapy or eflect after.your 25 yr EA relationship? Just wonderinf if you have spotted any similarities or patterns?

Tbh if you get to 40 and never been married or in long term relationship you’ll be set in your ways
this isn’t going to change as another poster said going out and getting hammered once in 12 weeks wouldn’t be end of the world
is he normally sick after drinking

*or reflect on your 25 yr ...

Strange glitch!

OP, are the friends he is drinking with much younger than him? Is he a young 48, perhaps immature for his age?

It’s unusual because most people of his age realise their limits and stop before drink makes them sick etc. Whilst not an excuse, is he trying to keep up with his ‘mates’ and doesn’t want to lose face? Is he confident, can he handle the male banter? I’m sorry you see him in this state, a one off is one thing, repeating this behaviour every few weeks is enough to give you the ick!

I hope you have been able to focus more on you though, doing things you enjoy and not relying on the company of your DP etc

If you take away the issue of him drinking until he vomits; which in itself is hugely disrepectful to you, he is still spending a huge amount of time on his own hobbies, to the detriment of your relationship.

You gave him an ultimatum the last time and it didn't work. You need to decide if you're willing to put up with this or will you follow through?

I divorced my younger 2nd husband who behaved like this. I won't stand for it. Its better to live alone.

Are you so scared of being alone that you will accept being treated like shit? Have a chat with yourself, gather up your dignity and get out. if you don't do it soon, you'll either have this as your life until one of you dies or until he ends the relationship. It's no way to live.

Is it normal isn't the question here.

The question is, did you mean it when you told him that you wouldn't put up with it anymore?

Because if you didn't intend to follow through on it, then all the two of you are doing is exchanging empty words and nothing will ever change.

He's not unhappy. You are. So it's you that needs to take a stand.

How can you be attracted to a man who, at 48, vomits in your car, on the floor, after a night out? To a man who at 48 can't control his drinking?

How can you love a man who, despite knowing how much this upsets you, still puts getting drunk to excess first? A man who routinely prefers time on hobbies and with friends to time with you?

I imagine he's selfish in other ways too. For example, does he do 50% of the housework, gardening, shopping, life admin? Does he look after you when you're sick? Do you feel valued and supported?

No it’s not normal (past maybe the age of 23 or so), and I say that as someone who does enjoy a drink.

He has a problem and isn’t listening to you when you ask him to stop. You aren’t even asking him to entirely cut alcohol out (and maybe he needs to do this) just not to drink to such an excess.

Would he consider some kind of counselling as this really is odd and embarrassing behaviour.

Hi @Whoevenami16 sorry to read your latest post.

A 48 year old gets so blind drunk he can't get himself to the toilet to chuck up is bonkers. He is a man-child with no self control or respect for himself. You, unfortunately, are further down the list.

I'm assuming you cleaned up the mess back in August as you said you made him clean up this time?

Please don't stay with this person just because it's better than feeling like a failure. The only way to restore your self-worth is to take control.

You are blessed with having your own home.
Give your tenants notice. Pack your belongings and stay with family until you can move back to your home.

Your username shows what you need to do. Discover who you are and what you want. Raise your bar and put yourself first.