Scared to tell my dp what a selfish arse he is in case he ends it.

[Whoevenami16]

we have been together for eight years. I was previously in 25 year EA marriage that ended with Courts and Barristers. I have Adult children that live independently. Dp never been married, no children and is younger than me.
but he’s a man child. He is out regularly, has hobbies that go on for hours and socialises without me a lot. He went out golfing today, left the house at 8.30 this morning. I asked him to please not go mad drinking as we are out for the whole day together tomorrow. He called me at 7 to say he would be done by 8 and he would call me for a lift home. At 10.30 he called. He has been sick all over my car, in the bedroom and the bathroom. So tomorrow is likely to be a right off. Sunday he has his hobby all day.
I am furious and sad. I feel that it shows complete lack of respect for me. The drinking to excess like that makes my anxiety kick off. He knows this.
I love him very much and don’t know how to handle this.
would you be upset and what would you say to him.

I feel such a failure

Sounds like he needs to address why he wants to drink himself into oblivion. But you can't do that for him.

The question is not Is this normal?

It is how quickly can I pack my bags?

Are you going to go through with the ultimatum?

You expect this sort of thing from a teenager who gets carried away

From a middle aged man who should by now know he can’t handle his drink it just looks gross and pathetic.

No op, not normal and not something I'd be putting up with from a DC, nevermind a supposed DP.
Please leave this sorry excuse for a partner. You deserve so much better.

No it’s not normal and it’s obviously not going to stop. Sorry OP. It’s all on him though, you are worth so much more.

The question is, OP, are you going to make plans to leave as you said you would if it happened again, or are you going to remain in another EA relationship for 25 years?

Sorry to see you going through this OP. You stay because you love him? The way he drinks, you’re going to end up being his carer. If he suffers from liver failure tomorrow followed by other ailments and sa, a stroke, hypothetically speaking of course, all self inflicted because of his binge drinking, will you be happy to take care of him till end of days? However long? Sounds far fetched but not impossible. Have a think. That’s exactly what happened to one of my girlfriends.

OMG the smell of his vomit would put me off ever having sex with him again. God knows why you are even asking the question? Of course it’s not bloody normal

OP I am currently with a man who is this selfish. I am younger than you but in the 5 years we’ve been together the person I was has ceased to exist, I am a shadow of my former self. Please do not be me, leave him and let the right person come to you.

Behaviour like this gets worse and before you know it he’ll be taking the piss out of you left right and centre because he’ll feel like he knows he can get away with it. You’re better than this life and you deserve more.

Raise your standards. This is who you are dating. If you don't like it you need to move on. You can do much better but only if you set yourself some boundaries and actually enforce them. He will keep behaving like this because he can. Move on and get yourself a mature relationship.

Pack your gear. Get out. Give your tenants notice. Block him. He’s got no intention of changing.

I think that if he keeps getting drunk and vomiting at 48, he has a problem. Most men outgrow that kind of behaviour long before 48. I just can't understand why he keeps drinking more alcohol than he can handle becasue my one bad hangover was a one-time learning experience for me.

I guess you just have to decide whether the happiness he brings to your life exceeds the awful bits by a sufficient margin. Are you sure too that he doesn't have a drinking problem ie is he a functioning alcoholic?

I am furious and sad. I feel it shows a complete lack of respect for me. The drinking to excess like that makes my anxiety kick off. He knows this.

You wrote the above in your first post. Nothing has changed in the 3 months since, nothing will change in the next 3 months, or the next 30 years if you don't leave him. Your DP is showing you who he is, believe him!

If you learned anything from leaving your 25 year EA relationship, it should be not to stay in a bad situation for too long. Saying you're still there because you love him is extremely immature at your age, you need to move on from that way of thinking.

He hasn't changed.
Time to give your tenants notice and prepare to leave.
This is no way to live.

My dad called me an “asshole magnet.”

One can be too nice and too tolerant.

So I dumped the bastard and never looked back.

Ditch him and move out.

a 48 year old drinking like this is just so sad - and unfortunately, he is the only one who can do anything about it - move out and get on with filling your life with things you enjoy and taking care of yourself - tell him that you don't want to hear from him unless he gets sober

No this doesn’t make him an alcoholic.it’s been 3 months. But it couod still make his a twat.
it couod still make him do things you’ve said you can stand.
this could be his ass of a normal.but why are you making it yours.
you stayed from last time
when you said you were at your wits end.
you were in a better position than most trying to leave before too.you had your own place.somewhere to go.

you are not trapped.
what answers do I want from posters this time.

Time to follow up on what you said in August. He’s not prepared to put you first.

The drinking to excess like that makes my anxiety kick off. He knows this.

You have to get it into your head that this man doesn't care about how you feel.

He doesn't care about you at all.

His focus is drinking. All he cares about is getting alcohol and consuming it.

No.

It is not normal for a regular bloke.

It is normal for an alcoholic.

Stop prioritising someone who treats you like a convenience.

An ultimatum is only an ultimatum if you follow through.

He waited 3 months this time. If you let it slide he knows he'll have a free pass to get wasted every weekend.

It's your life, how do you want to live it?

This. It’s going to be tough but if you love him, losing you over his drinking could be the wake up call he needs to see he has a problem that needs professional help.

the next episode

This comment makes me think that you’re watching your life passively, like some kind of crappy soap opera.

Why do you wait for shit to happen to you? Why don’t you leave? You’re financially independent, share no kids and healthy. Are you scared of living your life alone?

100% this.
It's better to be alone , than be with someone who is using you.