Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Scared to tell my dp what a selfish arse he is in case he ends it.

238 replies

Whoevenami16 · 13/08/2022 01:24

we have been together for eight years. I was previously in 25 year EA marriage that ended with Courts and Barristers. I have Adult children that live independently. Dp never been married, no children and is younger than me.
but he’s a man child. He is out regularly, has hobbies that go on for hours and socialises without me a lot. He went out golfing today, left the house at 8.30 this morning. I asked him to please not go mad drinking as we are out for the whole day together tomorrow. He called me at 7 to say he would be done by 8 and he would call me for a lift home. At 10.30 he called. He has been sick all over my car, in the bedroom and the bathroom. So tomorrow is likely to be a right off. Sunday he has his hobby all day.
I am furious and sad. I feel that it shows complete lack of respect for me. The drinking to excess like that makes my anxiety kick off. He knows this.
I love him very much and don’t know how to handle this.
would you be upset and what would you say to him.

I feel such a failure

OP posts:
NanaNelly · 13/08/2022 12:34

PetalParty · 13/08/2022 09:15

I meant, I don’t understand why this is a problem now after eight years, if you went along with it before without saying anything, what has changed now?

The op has changed. She’s had a realization.

FrancescaContini · 13/08/2022 12:38

OP - your thread title makes no sense. He’s a “selfish arse” but you want to stay with him - why? Where’s your self respect? Are your adult children happy that this awful man is your partner?

PetalParty · 13/08/2022 15:44

Similar to the Borderline refrain: “I hate you, don’t leave me.”

lothermand · 15/08/2022 00:00

You've let this go on for 8 years, it's habitual now, he knows he can do what he likes and you'll suffer it, no way to live IMO. He is taking you for granted.

You say you love him, do you, or is it habit? We get used to people in our lives, day in day out, their ways (even if they're not good ways) so it may just be what you're used to.

I'd give him the be first if the doubt and tell him you're not happy, and why. If he listens to you, then he has respect, if he doesn't, then I'm afraid there's only one choice.

Geppili · 15/08/2022 00:15

Dump his puking selfish arse.

Geppili · 15/08/2022 00:16

Also why do you have to be his taxi service? Because he has a binge drinking problem.

Courtjobby · 15/08/2022 00:36

I'm confused by the maths. You were married for 25 years and with dp for 8 , so 33 years and your 48? Do you mean you were with your ex husband for 25 years total including before marriage? Sorry totally not the point, just confused. So you probably don't have much experience in other relationships, I imagine that's nerve-wracking.

Courtjobby · 15/08/2022 00:37

Oh sorry he is 48 and younger, apologies

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 15/08/2022 00:49

I hope you're OK OP

Did you say anything to him?

Original poster
Whoevenami16 · 15/08/2022 01:10

Thank you for all your comments.

I did talk to him. Basically told him that if he wants me in his life his behaviour needs to change, I’m not putting up with it.
he said he loved me and he was sorry.
i really do hope that he means it. If not I will make plans to leave.

i have stayed in other relationships too long. And some of what has been said here has hit home. I think I have co dependant tendencies and put my needs below my partners. I also move my boundaries to please. I realise that this is unhealthy. Something I need to work on.

OP posts:
NanaNelly · 15/08/2022 03:21

Op, you need to be asking him how he’s going to be changing his behavior and also telling him what changes you want.

telling you he’s sorry and that he loves you just isn’t nearly enough.

daisychain01 · 15/08/2022 03:44

Whoevenami16 · 13/08/2022 01:41

I feel a failure in relationships.

I’m just so sad, I feel sick at the thought of leaving him and splitting up.
you are right. I’m hoping for magic words that will make him see sense and for him to see what he is destroying.

There are no magic words, he isn't going to change.

Sadly the choice is yours and yours alone, as to whether you'll put up with a selfish manchild or send him packing. You can do better, but not if you let him get away with this and put up with him "because you love him".

We don't have to live with him and clean up his vomit, you do.

daisychain01 · 15/08/2022 03:47

"Basically told him that if he wants me in his life his behaviour needs to change, I’m not putting up with it."

Only give an ultimatum that you're resolute to carry through.

if you put up with his behaviour next time he behaves appallingly, you've painted yourself into a corner unless you follow through with not putting up with it.

Jellytottss · 15/08/2022 03:51

Do you always pick up after drinking? That's the thanks you got sick all over your car and your to clean it.

I would be moving out for now. Start making plans so he knows your serious.

Original poster
Whoevenami16 · 15/08/2022 14:21

daisychain01 · 15/08/2022 03:47

"Basically told him that if he wants me in his life his behaviour needs to change, I’m not putting up with it."

Only give an ultimatum that you're resolute to carry through.

if you put up with his behaviour next time he behaves appallingly, you've painted yourself into a corner unless you follow through with not putting up with it.

Yes
difficult but yes

OP posts:
sweatervest · 15/08/2022 16:03

he could well be waiting for you to leave without an official "it's over" conversation.
and he's being a complete knob face because he wants you to go but he's too afraid to tell you/admit it's over/something like that.

Moonshine5 · 15/08/2022 22:57

OP he's unlikely to change. If you want to give him an opportunity, put a time frame on it like 3 or 6 month's.
What is the point, what do you get out of this? Are you trying to prove something to yourself. You are loveable, you are worth so much more. If it's companionship you are after, then stick with it but understand he is who he is. And accept him for that.

Original poster
Whoevenami16 · 17/08/2022 02:16

sweatervest · 15/08/2022 16:03

he could well be waiting for you to leave without an official "it's over" conversation.
and he's being a complete knob face because he wants you to go but he's too afraid to tell you/admit it's over/something like that.

He would have just said to me that he’s not happy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whoevenami16 · 17/08/2022 02:19

Moonshine5 · 15/08/2022 22:57

OP he's unlikely to change. If you want to give him an opportunity, put a time frame on it like 3 or 6 month's.
What is the point, what do you get out of this? Are you trying to prove something to yourself. You are loveable, you are worth so much more. If it's companionship you are after, then stick with it but understand he is who he is. And accept him for that.

Well when he’s not being a selfish arse he’s lovely.
the binge drinking is definitely a problem for me. I hate it. And he knows this. Which is why it upsets me so much when he does it,

thank you

OP posts:
Hillrunning · 17/08/2022 02:41

"When he's not being a selfish arse he is lovely"

Argh, this sentence has really got to me. How can you compartmentalised his behaviours like that? Sorry to be harsh but it makes no sense. He is ALL of his choices and behaviours. If he isn't nice to you all the time, he isn't nice. He is knowingly treating you so badly you are up at night crying! And for some unknown reason you actually want to stay with this man.

Relationships are supposed to increase the good in your life and halve the shit. This isn't the right relationship for you. Find a much better human to share your life with.

category12 · 17/08/2022 06:55

So is he committing to stopping drinking?

Or has he just made vague noises about being sorry and not doing it again?

Because unless he stops booze, it means you're just waiting for the next episode.

Original poster
Whoevenami16 · 07/11/2022 00:43

And the next episode was today.

He was out all day watching football with friends and has been sick all over the guest bathroom. Missed the toilet.
he has cleaned it up this time
I don’t drink at all so my question to you is this normal?
three months since the last time

OP posts:
falllakes · 07/11/2022 01:02

You know the answer to that OP.

The real question is is this what you want for your life?

dropthevipers · 07/11/2022 01:11

Whoevenami16 · 07/11/2022 00:43

And the next episode was today.

He was out all day watching football with friends and has been sick all over the guest bathroom. Missed the toilet.
he has cleaned it up this time
I don’t drink at all so my question to you is this normal?
three months since the last time

Is this normal? Yes,once when you're a teenager unused to drink. A 48 year old bloke who does this time and again? Again, Yes if he is an alkie.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/11/2022 01:12

No. That's beyond binge drinking. Technically when I go out I binge drink because I don't drink really at home but out I can easily do a few bottles of wine alone. But I can't remember the last time I've been so drunk I've been sick, let alone being able to recall several times recently.