Scared to tell my dp what a selfish arse he is in case he ends it.

[Whoevenami16]

we have been together for eight years. I was previously in 25 year EA marriage that ended with Courts and Barristers. I have Adult children that live independently. Dp never been married, no children and is younger than me.
but he’s a man child. He is out regularly, has hobbies that go on for hours and socialises without me a lot. He went out golfing today, left the house at 8.30 this morning. I asked him to please not go mad drinking as we are out for the whole day together tomorrow. He called me at 7 to say he would be done by 8 and he would call me for a lift home. At 10.30 he called. He has been sick all over my car, in the bedroom and the bathroom. So tomorrow is likely to be a right off. Sunday he has his hobby all day.
I am furious and sad. I feel that it shows complete lack of respect for me. The drinking to excess like that makes my anxiety kick off. He knows this.
I love him very much and don’t know how to handle this.
would you be upset and what would you say to him.

I feel such a failure

Is he a problem drinker? His drinking has got in the way of looking after his relationship. I would expect he has responsibility for arranging 50% of dates- can you agree to arrange a date each every other week? He can also plan (in advance) time with this friends / for hobbies. Be clear about what time together , as dates, you need to feel appreciated. Then , after a clear message, if he chooses not to listen you can make a decision to end it or not.

Empower yourself by saying that you’ll be moving out.

It will be the making of you. 💐

I think that's quite shit. I drink a lot but would never do that!

I also think it's really telling the title of your post

You're scared to point out he's an arse in case he calls it quits

Why are you scared to say how you feel?
Why are you scared if he does leave/end it? What's the worst that can happen?

It just makes me think you're hanging on to this for all the wrong reasons. You don't want to be 'dumped' or on your own. And being with this pathetic arse is better than nothing.

Except it really isn't.

It makes me so sad. He's basically treated you like a free taxi service. You're worth more than this.

Seek support from Al-anon.

Remind yourself it takes 2 people to have a successful relationship. You sound like you are doing your part while he isn’t. So any failure is due to him.

See if a friend can join you for a day out today or just take yourself out somewhere nice

Dump the boyfriend obvs

Exactly this.

What on earth do you love about this man? Don't mistake dependency for love.

Yes. You think you are not strong enough to image. Want you don't see yet is that leaving will give you enormous strength.

I'd rather be alone than have to smell a drunk person's vomit in my home. (I hope you didn'f clean it up.)

I agree, I'd say goodbye.

OP at the risk of sounding harsh, is this really what you want from life? Because the sad reality is this is the rest of your life because the likely if hun changing is 0. Sure he might be apologetic tomorrow and he might suck up for a few days, but he’s gona do the same thing sooner or later…

I had a super shitty relationship with my ex. When I was able to be honest with myself I was a shadow of who I wanted to be… His drinking (going over the top, and not getting up / functioning etc the next day) was a huge contributing factor cos it means HoH lose the whole weekend!

"DP has never been married" suggests he may not be the type of person to commit or form a mature, considerate, empathetic relationship.
He has obviously lived his life so far doing as he pleases.
It's nothing that you've done wrong. You've just got completely reasonable standards, completely reasonable expectations of a long term relationship, and he doesn't meet them.
Move on - and work on your anxiety. Although his behaviour is shit, you have to take responsibility for your anxiety. If someone else triggers you, you need to manage that, not expect them to change.

Why are so frightened of this immature, selfish, drunken, thoughtless lout leaving you? He would be doing you a favour.

Leaving a poor relationship isn't failing. It's taking control to make your life better. It's having self worth. It's removing unhappiness and resentment from your life. It's leaving yourself open for a good, respectful, healthy relationship to come in to it.

Staying with a man who doesn't value you, cleaning up the sick of a 48 year old from your car, having to cancel a planned day out because your partner got too drunk with his mates the night before, waiting at home for someone who wants to always be with his friends or doing his hobbies..... that is much more like 'failure' if we must use that word.

Please seek support so you can understand why you seem to be happy with so little. Once you understand that, you can make choices about it. But that’s a long term plan.

in the short term, go and have a lovely day whilst he cleans your car, the bed and bedroom and anywhere else he’s messed up. And if he doesn’t apologise and clean his own mess up, isn’t totally embarrassed by his behaviour and wanting to put it right, ask yourself: if a friend told you about this behaviour, what would you say?

would you be upset
I'd be furious

and what would you say to him.
There's the door, walk through it and don't come back

has he acknowledged his alcoholism? is this the life you want in 5 years? hope you're OK

This.

There are no magic words to change him 🤷🏼‍♀️

I hope he cleaned up your car, the disgusting twat. I wouldn't have picked him up.

Eight years is a long time. It sounds like this has been going on a long time. I assume you have talked to him about this before?

Make a list of his good points and bad points, that will really help to clarify your thoughts.

In the meantime, DO NOT enable the drinking by cleaning up or giving lifts or sympathy. Let him fully feel the consequences of what he does.

I meant, I don’t understand why this is a problem now after eight years, if you went along with it before without saying anything, what has changed now?

I think you are upset because you know it’s over now. No going back. It’s hard and scary to break up with someone, especially after what you have been through, but you can do it and you have a lot more experience this time!

good luck

I would say goodbye as per the post written by gogogadgetgo. Failure OP is living like this and you know deep down this relationship is over. This man's primary relationship is with alcohol, its not with you and its never been with you either. Do not further get bogged down in your sunk costs; further investment in this will get you nowhere.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. You are not a rehab centre for such a badly raised man so do not continue to act as one. You cannot rescue and or save such men from their own selves; these types do not want to be rescued and or saved.

I think you are codependent and are confusing this with love. Your previous marriage was abusive (I am presuming this is what EA means) and you've basically gone from that into this one which is also abusive. He is a drunkard and your codependent nature suits him down to the ground. You get and will continue to receive nothing at all good from this relationship. Better to be on your own too (what is so bad about that in your eyes) than to be so badly accompanied.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Its a question that really does deserve consideration here because there are relationship patterns here along with red flags you've been minimising or simply not recognising.

You are only a failure if you stay with him. You know that already though really dont you? You shouldnt judge yourself or your life by your abilities within a relationship. you dont need a man to have a fun time and a fulfilling life. Be honest. You are just settling and staying with him so that you are in a relationship. This adds nothing to your life. you obviously care for him but I think you care more about the whole being with someone. He isnt going to change. why should he? he is living his best life doing everything he wants to do AND having a partner that puts up with whatever crap he throws their way. You only have two choices. Put up with it and find ways to cope or get out now and make a better life for yourself. In truth though if you dont get out now you will just become more of a shell of the person that you once were over time and will get to a point where you dont have the energy to move on. So move on whilst you can. It doesnt have to be difficult and painful but it does have to happen. You know that.

I wouldn't be cleaning my car. I'd be getting it professionally valeted and he'd be paying for it. If it isn't cleaned well you really don't want the whiff of vomit hanging about...

If you say with him, you will fail at the relationship OP.

Move out.

It would be better if you lived separately but still dated. Then he can puke in his own house, nothing to do with you.

He IS in his own house, OP has chosen to live with him.