Scared to tell my dp what a selfish arse he is in case he ends it.

[Whoevenami16]

we have been together for eight years. I was previously in 25 year EA marriage that ended with Courts and Barristers. I have Adult children that live independently. Dp never been married, no children and is younger than me.
but he’s a man child. He is out regularly, has hobbies that go on for hours and socialises without me a lot. He went out golfing today, left the house at 8.30 this morning. I asked him to please not go mad drinking as we are out for the whole day together tomorrow. He called me at 7 to say he would be done by 8 and he would call me for a lift home. At 10.30 he called. He has been sick all over my car, in the bedroom and the bathroom. So tomorrow is likely to be a right off. Sunday he has his hobby all day.
I am furious and sad. I feel that it shows complete lack of respect for me. The drinking to excess like that makes my anxiety kick off. He knows this.
I love him very much and don’t know how to handle this.
would you be upset and what would you say to him.

I feel such a failure

OP - the question is.... why are you back asking the same questions as last time and not carrying through what you said you would do...

It is irrelevant if it is "normal" or not. You have told him that it upsets you and he still repeats the same behaviour.

You have a choice.... put up with it, accept that's how it is and stop moaning about it

Or

End the relationship

Neither of these decisions are right or wrong but they are YOUR decisions and you need to make one and be at peace with it.

He's embarrassing himself with behaviour like that.
He's embarrassing you.

If you stay now then you're embarrassing yourself.

It's hard I know OP but I would do as others have said, give your tenants notice, or rent a small place for yourself and make it cosy and lovely for you.

You could think about letting him date you if you wish but do not let him into your place to be sick on it.

I would just start finding somewhere else to live, do this, don't ask him if it will be ok, just go out today and look at small rentals or go to see your tenants.
Move out and tell him you need your own space to be free from the smell of his sick.

Good luck OP. All of this is his fault, not yours.

Living alone is incredibly nice. Peaceful, organised, calm and settled. Eat what you like, when you like. Watch what you want. Sleep when you want. There's literally nothing nicer.
See your friends by arrangement. Have your kids visit occasionally. Then chill out and watch your happiness levels soar.

Your current hobby is being miserable and put upon and I think you need a new one.

no it's not normal.

You gave your ultimatum.

He's not going to change.

It's time to piss or get off the pot

I disagree. Not a corner, an exit door . Corner suggests you are trapped, you're not. You can leave and have a far happier life. It's a good thing.

This!

you pack your bags and go. he's an alcoholic. you can't help him if he doesn't want help. leave. Good luck @Whoevenami16

He's not even 50 yet, that's when these sort of selfish men get even more selfish. Why be with him?
Being by yourself would be so so much better. You can focus on doing what you want, make more friends, pursue more things you enjoy.
How much time have you been alone and enjoyed it? I loved it when I was and actually stopped looking for someone when DH accidentally came into my life. Having that time on my own was brilliant and made me only choose someone who was worth stopping it for! If you have been in a EA relationship and then a shite relationship you need to figure out why you aren't spotting the huge red flags. Why would you prefer to settle for a dick than be alone? It can feel scary but it is so much better than being in an inadequate relationship.

No. I love a drink. I was sick last year some time because I got carried away. In the loo, once, and the time prior was around 5 years before that.

NEVER been sick over a room, car etc.

This is really sad to read. Why are you staying? This is no life for you 💔

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents and I do wonder what sort of relationship they showed you when you were growing up. What sort of a childhood did you have?. All your relationship problems are likely rooted there.

You are codependent and want to please and both states here are doing you no favours at all. Your boundaries, already skewed by previous abuse, are being further got at by this alcoholic man now to the point where you do not know which way is up. It is truly better to be on your own than to be so badly accompanied. You really do need to ask yourself why you have not left him and be honest with yourself about that. What are you getting out of this relationship with this drunkard?. You are getting something out of it so what is it?.

Reading "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie and "Women who love too much" by Dr Robin Norwood would be helpful to you as would enrolling yourself onto the Freedom Programme. Seeing a BACP registered therapist would be money well spent.

You need to love your own self for a change because your ex did not and this man does not. They have both sensed your desperation to please others at your expense and such men play on that as well as your codependent nature. Who taught you also to be codependent; it was likely one of your parents.

My exH did this over and over and over again. He ruined so many days. He was also highly narcissistic and for years I blamed it on his childhood and had sympathy for that. There’s only so long you can hope for change and try to facilitate it before you start to lose yourself.

It took me ten years to properly realise that and then I left for the wonderful life I have now.

You don't have to stay.

Inappropriate guilt can keep codependents from setting boundaries, detaching from negative or draining people, taking care of ourselves, living fully and authentically.

Guilt keeps us living for other people – being who they want us to be and doing what they expect us to do. Breaking out of the roles weve accepted for so long can leave us feeling like were failing; were not meeting expectations and people will be mad or disappointed with us. This is very painful for codependents as they pride themselves on being caring, giving, and dependable.

Addicts and narcissists often use guilt to manipulate and get what they want. And they use projection as a way to deny their hurtful behavior and refuse to take responsibility for their actions.

Beating yourself up is not helpful and does not tend to promote learning and changing. Self-compassion is acknowledging when you are suffering and giving yourself loving-kindness and is a much more productive response to guilt.

You leave op. No argument. Not discussion. Just pack your things and go.

Ffs OP he is NOT going to change. He doesn't love you enough to. He is acting like a 17 year old frat boy getting drunk and being sick everywhere. He is incapable of changing. I would not want to stay with a disgusting specimen like this. Go back to your house. Seriously this would be the biggest turnoff ever and nothing would seal my fanny tighter and drier than this. Get some self respect, do you really want to live with this immature thing who has a drinking problem and has no respect for himself or for you and will never change? I'd rather be on my own forever.

The part that isn’t normal is the repeated behaviour and you hoping for a different outcome. It isn’t going to change. Your stress levels are not going to change, they may get worse because as he gets older and stops working, this behaviour will probably become weekly.
I would be seriously thinking about how I would like my retirement to look.

This is not YOU causing this. You know this! Have you done the freedom programme? If not, google it now and do it online and then see when you can book in for an in person course. This is vital. Even if you’ve done it before, you can do it again.

whatever conditioning you had as a child growing up made you vulnerable to your abusive ex husband. What’s driven you to choose a different partner is coming from the same place. If you feel “at home” or something like that, it because it really is a case of the devil you know… you need to find someone who DOESNT feel like familiar territory

that’s in time. You need to end this relationship on your terms and end it now, while you’re angry and disappointed with how he’s treated you. Take it as the last time he takes you for granted.

take back control of your life and don’t settle for anything less than what you’re worth. After a spell alone I’d suggest, to get to know and appreciate the wonderful person you are.

I meant to say too - you know there are no magic words- if there were your ex h would have changed.

no matter what you do/say/think or don’t do/say or think will make any difference at al

be brave. End it and grieve. But then you will rise.

The old saying is true here:
if you always do what you’ve always done
you'll always get what you’ve always got

your situation won’t change unless you do something about it. Leave, otherwise he has carte Blanche to carry on as he knows your ultimatums carry little weight in reality. Ergo-above saying!

You gave him an ultimatum in August. I take it you are going to follow through on it?

No, and you know it's not. Why are you letting yourself continue in this cycle with someone even you say is a man child.

Where are the benefits? What positive does he bring to your life?

Being so blind drunk that you reflexively vomit over carpets and bathrooms and cars? On a fairly regular basis? At nearly 50 years of age? When your partner has clearly said it’s a dealbreaker for her? No, OP, it’s not normal. But you already know that.

There’s so much wise advice here and I really hope you have the strength and courage to stick to your ultimatum. You deserve so much better but only you can take the obvious (but difficult) decision and the steps to actively improve your life. Or else you’re just going to be back here again in another couple of months, stuck in the same miserable cycle.

You deserve more than this OP. LTB

This is what you said 3 months ago

Basically told him that if he wants me in his life his behaviour needs to change, I’m not putting up with it.

So, question is why are you putting up with it. He hasn’t changed, he isn’t showing you the respect or love that a partner should. Your ultimatum didn’t work, he doesn’t want to change. He likes being selfish and his life and doesn’t think your feelings matter or you’re worthy of his time and effort.

Put up or shut up OP. Only options here. But you’ll be back in a few months crying he’s done it again… hopefully you’ll wake up.