Scared to tell my dp what a selfish arse he is in case he ends it.

[Whoevenami16]

we have been together for eight years. I was previously in 25 year EA marriage that ended with Courts and Barristers. I have Adult children that live independently. Dp never been married, no children and is younger than me.
but he’s a man child. He is out regularly, has hobbies that go on for hours and socialises without me a lot. He went out golfing today, left the house at 8.30 this morning. I asked him to please not go mad drinking as we are out for the whole day together tomorrow. He called me at 7 to say he would be done by 8 and he would call me for a lift home. At 10.30 he called. He has been sick all over my car, in the bedroom and the bathroom. So tomorrow is likely to be a right off. Sunday he has his hobby all day.
I am furious and sad. I feel that it shows complete lack of respect for me. The drinking to excess like that makes my anxiety kick off. He knows this.
I love him very much and don’t know how to handle this.
would you be upset and what would you say to him.

I feel such a failure

He will not change
. As a compromise, move out, set up your own place and keep seeing each other when you are doing nice /cosy things together and he's not drinking. Then retreat to your own place and leave him to it for the whole weekend when he is on a sesh.
If anything it will show you that you can stand on your own two feet.

If you don't want to end it..
Maybe you should ask him not to come home when he drinks like this...OR you go away for the night or two when he goes out to drink like a fool, so you don't have to see the aftermath.

Then when you return, you get the better version of him.

I agree with others he wont change so you have to either accept him like this or end relationship.… but perhaps him staying out at a hotel when he goes out is the answer depending on how often it happens

So the guy gets drunk with friends a few times of year?

the ops ex was a nasty drunk - she is projecting that onto her current partner

this man is not an alcoholic and to say he is based on two descriptions by the op is just wrong!!

im not saying the op is wrong if she doesn’t like it but in the grand scheme of things - imagine his friends who he goes out with say there is five of them and all of their wives dumped them for going out all day!!! That is crazy stuff

people go on golf outings, lunch then go drinking after - it’s pretty normal

they also watch sporting finals, usually shown in the afternoon and stay out afterwards!!

it’s not unusual at all

being sick is not nice but it’s not her vomiting and nor is she cleaning it up

For me it's not the being sick it's the lack of consideration he gives her

The original post was because they had a day out planned the next day. She was looking forward to it. He fucked it up by being in no fit state to go out

It's important because she says he doesn't have much time for her full stop. It's not to do with the alcohol. He has hobbies. He's always busy.

Frankly she is not a priority for him. Hell it's not even being a priority. It's about treating her with some respect.

Surely being with a partner is making quality time for each other. It sounds like he just does what he wants to do and the op has to fit in around it all and gets the leftovers

Also having a problem with alcohol doesn't necessarily mean someone needs alcohol every day or can't function without alcohol. He is at the very least a binge drinker which carries its own serious issues.

But it's hard to say. The op says he doesn't drink at home. But also that he's always busy, out with friends and hobbies. So who knows he could be drinking every time he's out

It was one time that he wasnt fit enough for the next day? In eight years that is hardly a crime!

golfing does take up a lot of time and she won’t be the first person to be annoyed at such a hobby but that is something else entirely to being called an alcoholic and I’m not sure he deserves to be dumped!

for example a few weekends ago I knew a group of guys ranging between 40-65 who went out all day and didn’t return home until 9pm.

staying out for nine hours doesn’t mean they’re binge drinkers? Or alcoholics, or can you only go out for a few hours? Or should they only have one drink per hour?!

the good thing about MN is that there is a range of opinions and in this scenario I think he is getting a hard time

I understand the op can totally decide to dump him etc and that it fine to dump someone anytime you want but the accusations against this man’s character I feel are harsh

In the very first op she says he socialises without her a lot.

So no. I don't think him not prioritising her is a one off.

But yeah. A grown ass man who can't control how much he drinks. I consider that a problem.

Maybe you're fine with that. Maybe you're fine with never spending any time with your partner

But as I said upthread when the op asks if this is normal, it's whether she wants this to be HER normal.

Personally I'd want a partner who wanted to spend time with me. And didn't treat alcohol as more important than me. Especially if I had told that partner how excess alcohol triggers memories from an abusive ex.

But horses for courses. All I can say is the op sounds desperately unhappy.

Yeah but sick in 3 places including car? Grim

Oh and it's not the staying out nine hours drinking. That's not the point.

I can stay out drinking/socialising for nine hours. Difference is I don't get so wankered I vomit everywhere. I can stay in control

refuse to clean up after him and when he’s out drinking, and when he plans these binge drinking feats, you go out with your girlfriends and let him know how much fun have.
you can tell him all about your fun night while he’s mopping his vomit up.

In addition OP it is worth mentioning that your DP is putting themselves at risk.

Vomiting is a key symptom of alcohol poisoning, a potentially life-threatening condition that happens when a person drinks so much that their body can’t process the alcohol in their bloodstream.

@Quitelikeit is part of the cool wife brigade then 🙄

I have family members that play golf. Sure they're out for several hours but they never come back having consumed so much alcohol they're vomitting everywhere and out of commision the next day. Sometimes they might even be sober horror. Or they even might be considerate enough to play a shorter game every so often so they can be home in time to do stuff with family members or partners.

Whilst the uncontrollable vomiting is pretty grim, I’m sensing that he sees OP as nice to have around. You probably keep the house nice, makes sure there’s food in and clean sheets, do the boring errands and life admin and are available for sex. In other words a housekeeper with benefits.

It sounds like he has other friends that he socialises with and he probably takes you out for the odd night out to keep you on side and doing things for him.

After my divorce from an abusive Ex I had a relationship with a man who was mid 40s without DCs and apart from a wedding when I went with him as his plus 1, I never met any of his friends or family. It was a very one sided relationship which benefited him and not me and I ended it after a year.

OP - you have been lured in by the promise of something that this man doesn’t want to give you. Please be more honest with yourself about your feelings about this man. You keep saying you really love him, but true love is not one sided, or based on grand gestures, but found in the small everyday things. I think you feel that you should love him because of the amount of time you have spent together, because you live together and because you wash his socks. But I’ve had jobs as long as your relationship, have lived with friends as housemates, and used a laundry service for my washing and none of those relationships have been anything more than transactional.

Being on your own is not failing, but spending all your love and life on someone who clearly doesn’t feel the same way about you does equal success either.

Cool wife brigade?!?! 🤣🤣

no he has done it twice in a year, goes out and gets steaming drunk

just because not everyone lives a sterile life like you it doesn’t mean they’re dysfunctional!

gosh get a grip!! It’s not like he has to get up with the baby or take the kids out the next day!!

like I say if op doesn’t like it then dump but don’t expect people to change because they rarely do.

he likes his hobbies, the occasion bender (inc vomit) and to my mind that’s no big deal!!!

I mean hangovers are a real thing so he needed to stay home and recover?!?!

millions are doing the same thing across the world most weekends so just aswell they don’t get dumped or worse - attacked on MN for having the audacity to go out and have fun!

Does your car still smell?

From the OP's posts, he does this several times a year. Getting so sick you vomit is ok once or twice a lifetime, but several times a year? It is indicative of someone who has never grown up and can't hold their drink. That is fine for a kid in college, but not a 48 year old man.

The OP says he never makes time for her, he ruins plans with his drinking. No normal person would defend him.

Well quite

Perhaps he could have some fun with his partner too

I'm really happy for you that you find this attractive. But personally I prefer my men vomit free.

Sounds like the op does too considering her ex's abusive alcoholic rages.

Anyway realistically the biggest issue with this is the title of the thread. That's really concerning. Op you've mentioned being codependent and hanging on to relationships longer than you should have. Have you sought counselling?

You've had a lot of advice here. As with the original post. I'm not sure what else to say?

You want us to reassure you it's 'normal'. Well this poster above thinks it's fine. I do not. That doesn't matter. What do you think? Is this how you want your life to be?

He binge drinks when he goes out with the lads. He is immature and when he does this he invariably goes overboard and gets trollied. I wouldn’t say he was an alcoholic.

I'm sorry - but he IS an alcoholic. He binges because once he starts to drink, he can't stop. He has no "off" button.

He wakes up, feels too ill and (temporarily) contrite, resolves never to do it again, begins a shiny new Life Full Of good Intentions, goes out with his mates for One Pint - and gets bladdered again.

He won't change because he doesn't regard himself as really having a problem. You are enabling him in your care and concern for him. He will get worse, not better, and you will have a dreadful life.

Please take the advice you would give your DC - "Don't put up with this." It may be that if you left it would be the shock he needed to change his behaviour - you could actually save his life. It will certainly save yours, in every sense of the word.

If you stay both of you will be destroyed.

true love is not one sided, or based on grand gestures, but found in the small everyday things.

@MachineBee is spot on. If he cared for you even half as much as you care for him, he wouldn't ruin our days out, he wouldn't expect you to clean up his vomit after a drinking session and he wouldn't leave you to worry when he didn't come home or get in touch when he promised he would,

He hasn't the slightest consideration for you. You deserve better than this.

He's a grown man.

He should be past the state of getting pssed with his mates. He's not tipsy, or merry, or squiffy - HE IS RAT-RSED!

He can't control his drinking.

He's an alcoholic.

Your standards of acceptable behaviour are very low if you think this is OK

I've genuinely no idea why people like you OP post on here. You don't want help, you said you don't want to leave so what's the point? Shut up and put up, you clearly intend to

What @Tessabelle74 said 👆

why bother reading and commenting then?

Thank you for all your replies. It helps venting and getting other peoples perspectives

So have you dumped his sorry arse then?