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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm having an affair

250 replies

LittleMsConfused · 10/08/2022 17:37

Never ever thought I'd be in this boat.

I've always been the goody-two-shoes. Dependable. Looks after everyone. Plays by the rules.

Relationship has been pretty unhappy for a pretty long time. We've been married 10 years, together 15. Two primary aged kids. One with significant SEN.

I've known I've not been happy for a while - but due to husband's mental health couldn't tell him. Then I found him texting his ex explicit stuff. We had marriage counselling - I realised then that I'm not in love with him. It feels more like a friendship. I shared this with the counsellor privately and she assured me I could get those feelings back.

I don't feel like I can leave my husband due to the children. I did raise it with him about 6 months ago and he completely broke - threatened suicide, the whole lot.

Then I met new guy. He's in the same boat in his marriage. . We shared contact details as we both understood how we were feeling - He lives quite far away so it felt safe. It became flirty. Now we video chat. It's not PG...

Conversation has now moved on to talking about meeting and I realise how far down the rabbit hole I am.

I know I'm a massive bitch... I feel totally trapped in my marriage. Totally trapped as a mum. New guy makes me feel amazing.

Is it possible for a good person to have an affair?

OP posts:
darty · 10/08/2022 17:44

He's married. You're married. Nothing good can come from a relationship based on lies and deception.

Minoloso · 10/08/2022 17:45

Sorry OP, you are pathetic.

gwenneh · 10/08/2022 17:46

Is it possible for a good person to have an affair?

No. Good people are honest.

millymollymoomoo · 10/08/2022 17:47

Yes despite what is said on here it’s perfectly possible for good people to have an affair

hiwever, regardless of this man your marriage sounds dead, end it, work through the challenges of that, as an affair won’t solve it for you

your husband is responsible for himself so don’t bow to his emotional blackmail

Carrieonmywaywardsun · 10/08/2022 17:48

You've done a terrible thing. Either divorce your ex after telling him OR leave your new fuck buddy and tell your ex, then see if he wants to stick with you

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 10/08/2022 17:49

Just be honest and leave. Or ask him to leave.

There is no need for all this 'affair' bullshit.

Own up, admit and deal with it.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 10/08/2022 17:49

It's escapism op.
No judgment from me.
But if your dh finds out you will be The Bad Guy and the impact on the relationship with your dc could be massive.
Ime.

knackersToIt · 10/08/2022 17:52

OP I feel for you but you really need to step back from this and address your marriage. You don't have to stay in an unhappy marriage despite your husband's threats, but it will be so much less catastrophic for the children if you are not already in another relationship when that happens.
You are not pathetic, as the rather sanctimonious previous poster suggested, but for your own and your family's sake you need to do the right thing from now on.

lafado · 10/08/2022 17:52

OP this is the worst place to ask this question, the stance on affairs here is that they are awful and you should either make the marriage work or leave. This is not how society behaves, huge amounts of people are having affairs, this notion that you must get all your needs met by one person is strange.

Your life sounds tough in your marriage, he has mental health issues and emotionally manipulated you to stay by threatening suicide if you leave, you want to maintain a family unit for your children but you're deeply unhappy.

I don't see a problem with what you're doing in this situation and there's a large amount of society who would agree, you just won't find them on this forum.

Original poster
LittleMsConfused · 10/08/2022 17:52

Carrieonmywaywardsun · 10/08/2022 17:48

You've done a terrible thing. Either divorce your ex after telling him OR leave your new fuck buddy and tell your ex, then see if he wants to stick with you

I don't think there is the foundation of a serious relationship with the new guy should either one of us become available. As another person says, I think it's escapism.

Divorce is not easy - it would be devastating for our children. He's made clear he would harm himself if I left.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 10/08/2022 17:53

Of course it it possible. Life is long and complicated and not black and white.
There are many people in the same boat as you - stuck and not able to leave just yet. And they prioritise their kids and stay for as long as they can.
Some (plenty) have affairs to maintain some sanity or just to make it a little more bearable.
Of course, it can get complicated, you can develop feelings and get hurt. Spouses can find out and be hurt.
But you are a grown up and these are all choices we make in life - weighing in everybody else’s happiness and our actions.
No one can really tell you what to do or tell you it’s OK or not. It’s your life.

Wakemeup17 · 10/08/2022 17:53

Read the book "When good people have affairs".
Good people make mistakes. Bad people sometimes do good things.
Maybe a time for a chat with your husband about open marriage of sorts?

Maybe83 · 10/08/2022 17:54

I think having an affair makes you a dishonest and selfish person.

Your life sounds very difficult but the decisions you are making now are just going to make it all worse.

Focus on separating and trying to gain self esteem out side of being a parent. It's not going to be easy but when this shit show blows up in your face you will look back and wish you had made different decisions.

MissMaple82 · 10/08/2022 17:55

So you've not actually met him? Was this on a dating app?

Onandupw · 10/08/2022 17:55

I don’t judge in these particular circumstances. Your husband is manipulative and abusive and the counselor sounds awful.

if he kill’s himself that is on no one but himself.

you realise the affair guy is not the answer. But he’s a symptom.

keave your husband and live your life for you.

Cornflakegirll · 10/08/2022 17:56

My husband had an affair and yes good people can have affairs BUT they are NOT being good people at the time. They’re being selfish, entitled and abusive.

They put their spouse at risk in all kinds of ways. They break down the walls of their marriage and threaten the security and safety of their children.

I can imagine your husbands betrayal was left you bereft and feeling worthless and trapped and this guy makes you feel ‘seen’ but this is not the way to go about dealing with issues within your marriage.

Get back into counselling but individual this time and work out a route forward for yourself that will bring you peace.

ArcticSkewer · 10/08/2022 17:57

lafado · 10/08/2022 17:52

OP this is the worst place to ask this question, the stance on affairs here is that they are awful and you should either make the marriage work or leave. This is not how society behaves, huge amounts of people are having affairs, this notion that you must get all your needs met by one person is strange.

Your life sounds tough in your marriage, he has mental health issues and emotionally manipulated you to stay by threatening suicide if you leave, you want to maintain a family unit for your children but you're deeply unhappy.

I don't see a problem with what you're doing in this situation and there's a large amount of society who would agree, you just won't find them on this forum.

Very true.
Op, there are plenty of people who keep a family together through this kind of escapism.
It doesn't sound like your partner is all that committed to monogamy either.
Try reddit, there are whole subgroups, or the chat forums of some of the married dating websites.
Affairs are hugely commonplace. About 20% of people. They aren't evil, or good, just people

Onandupw · 10/08/2022 17:57

@Cornflakegirll id say it sounds like the husband had done all that on his own

InTheCup · 10/08/2022 17:57

Controlling men use the threat of suicide to keep their wife's from leaving them. It's abusive. You need to leave. I'd bet my bottom $ he wouldn't hurt himself. Even with the tiny tiny chance... thats his decision to make.

Original poster
LittleMsConfused · 10/08/2022 17:59

MissMaple82 · 10/08/2022 17:55

So you've not actually met him? Was this on a dating app?

We met on a night out. Our group of friends all got on and we had a drunken deep meaningful conversation at the end of the night. Swapped numbers. Honestly thought by the end of the weekend it would have either fizzled out or he'd turn out to be a knob.

OP posts:
Cornflakegirll · 10/08/2022 17:59

Onandupw · 10/08/2022 17:57

@Cornflakegirll id say it sounds like the husband had done all that on his own

It’s not the husband posting. its the wife who is having an affair. I’d comment on his behaviour if it was him posting…

Jellybean23 · 10/08/2022 18:05

Don't have an affair but also don't be blackmailed into stay with your DH because of suicide threats. If divorce or separation is what you want, go for it and ignore your husband's threats.

Hesheweeshe · 10/08/2022 18:06

You are stuck in a marriage because you cannot bare to devastate your children and you do not think your husband would cope mentally if you tried to leave. I can 💯 tell you now they would prefer that to finding out what you are doing now. Do not assume for a second this is a better option. Speaking as someone who was deceived and lied too i would have preferred my husband had given me the option of deciding on my behalf if i was happy to stay in a marriage whilst he was slagging me off to another woman telling her how miserable he was and if only he didnt have children he would leave me all for his 'escapism' because he was miserable......heads up so was I!! Funny thing was, the moment I found out (because it pretty much always comes out) Suddenly I wasn't this awful person, i was the love of his life, he couldn't live without me and the OW was a nut job

Annabananna1 · 10/08/2022 18:06

Well. I don't blame you, honestly. And it doesn't make you a bad person.

When my H was texting a woman flirty messages and I found out I felt gutted. Truly. Everything I felt about him some how changed. And I was desperate to do the same with someone else, I thought it would help somehow.

In the end, nothing really helped and the relationship was difficult.

I don't think you can stay with your H though, he sounds manipulative and cruel. Perhaps you'd be happier alone or with someone new.

Runwalkskijump · 10/08/2022 18:07

Cornflakegirll · 10/08/2022 17:59

It’s not the husband posting. its the wife who is having an affair. I’d comment on his behaviour if it was him posting…

Show quote history

This.

You made the decision to shag someone else OP. Stop excusing your own behaviour