I'm having an affair

[LittleMsConfused]

Never ever thought I'd be in this boat.

I've always been the goody-two-shoes. Dependable. Looks after everyone. Plays by the rules.

Relationship has been pretty unhappy for a pretty long time. We've been married 10 years, together 15. Two primary aged kids. One with significant SEN.

I've known I've not been happy for a while - but due to husband's mental health couldn't tell him. Then I found him texting his ex explicit stuff. We had marriage counselling - I realised then that I'm not in love with him. It feels more like a friendship. I shared this with the counsellor privately and she assured me I could get those feelings back.

I don't feel like I can leave my husband due to the children. I did raise it with him about 6 months ago and he completely broke - threatened suicide, the whole lot.

Then I met new guy. He's in the same boat in his marriage. . We shared contact details as we both understood how we were feeling - He lives quite far away so it felt safe. It became flirty. Now we video chat. It's not PG...

Conversation has now moved on to talking about meeting and I realise how far down the rabbit hole I am.

I know I'm a massive bitch... I feel totally trapped in my marriage. Totally trapped as a mum. New guy makes me feel amazing.

Is it possible for a good person to have an affair?

@LittleMsConfused

"There is no abuse in my home, and nothing to suggest there is abuse in the new guy's home."

I thought you said that when you'd had discussions previously about leaving, your DH threatened suicide?

That's not abuse? Of course it's abuse. It's emotional abuse.

To be fair - I don't think he intentionally set out to 'manipulate' me - I think he just panicked and said anything and everything he could to stop me leaving.

I wouldn't consider this abuse and none of this would ever be discussed or done in front of the children. Ever.

Take it up with @Onandupw
See above.

This sounds like coercive control by your husband. Threatening to kill himself is emotional blackmail it it shouldn’t be happening. Make a long term plan for you and your children. It’s hard but it will pay off. Your children will thank you when they are adults themselves. This affair you mention that you are having is a distraction from your painful domestic situation. Don’t plan on it as an escape route. Be the master of your own destiny. Your husband….well that’s his decision. How do I know all this … that was me 27 yrs ago. I made it and so can you , just have to have a long term plan sweetheart. I wish you all the best for your happy new future.

To be fair - I don't think he intentionally set out to 'manipulate' me - I think he just panicked and said anything and everything he could to stop me leaving.

That is literally what manipulation is.

I wouldn't consider this abuse and none of this would ever be discussed or done in front of the children. Ever.

Whether or not they hear specific arguments or discussions, trust me children know when their parents are unhappy together. Or even worse, they think that the level of tension / awkwardness is normal and then replicate it as adults themselves.

We are happy in our relationship in that we get on really well - I would describe him as my best friend. However, i'm not in love with him. I don't want him physically (probably due to everything we've been through - it's just too much to recover from) I don't think the children see that side. My friendship with my husband is fantastic - but as a marriage it is exceptionally unfulfilling.

I do know that I need to leave him - but for a lot of reasons (financial, emotional, children, to name but a few) it cannot be immediate. But I do know that I will not be with him forever. I think deep down he knows that too.

OP, in the kindest possible way, I think your are using your husbands poor mental health as a way of justifying his manipulative behaviour.

Saying you are going to harm yourself if your partner leaves IS emotional abuse. It doesn't matter if he panicked, it was spur of the moment, or anything else.

It's worrying that you 'don't consider it abuse.' It's as if because the children aren't seeing or hearing anything, it isn't 'real.'It's as if you keep telling yourself that because they aren't seeing or hearing anything, that you 'live in a happy house.' It's not genuinely happy - you are just pretending it is happy, for their sakes.

The best thing that you can do is end this relationship, although I appreciate that this is very easy to say when your partner is threatening harm. It's an awful situation and you are backed into a corner. But please don't continue an affair with this man. It will just become one huge mess.

We are happy in our relationship in that we get on really well - I would describe him as my best friend. However, i'm not in love with him. I don't want him physically (probably due to everything we've been through - it's just too much to recover from) I don't think the children see that side. My friendship with my husband is fantastic - but as a marriage it is exceptionally unfulfilling.

Even if best case scenario the above was true, and they don't see 'the side' with emotional manipulation, they also don't see a couple who are genuinely happy and love each other. I never saw my parents hold hands, kiss, fall about laughing together etc. The stuff that makes people more than 'best friends' as you describe is what makes a relationship more than platonic. When children grow up thinking that is what a healthy romantic relationship is supposed to look like, they miss out on so much positive relationship modelling.

It took me years to genuinely believe that a couple could have a calm, happy relationship and be physically affectionate and genuinely in love. Because I didn't grow up seeing it.

It's not just about what they see, it's about what they don't get the opportunity to see either - a happy, healthy couple in love.

Please listen to these wise words OP.

Ni judgement from me. Do what makes you happy OP. You are stuck in a marriage you dont want. You do what you need to make it work for you. You have one life, make the most of it
Dont feel guilty

Divorce is not easy - it would be devastating for our children. He's made clear he would harm himself if I left.

And you think he won’t when he finds out about the affair? Lol

I’m sorry OP but I can’t stand when people say they’re staying in the marriage ‘for the kids’ when it’s complete BS.

You know that you splitting up because the marriage just isn’t working anymore vs splitting up because you’ve had an affair is going to be massively different and way worse for all involved, especially the kids.

Why not just honest and say you want to have your cake and eat it too.
You like the security and money of the marriage but you want to have fun on the side too.

I think good people can have affairs. We are all human and make mistakes, but to me there are different types of affairs.
Some are less black and white than others ie some may not think of it as an affair or they can slowly and unsuspecting build into something that is inappropriate and maybe you've crossed a line before you realise.

An affair does not define you in. Whether you are good or not (for me) is if the good outweighs the bad.
You could be the most caring, helpful, loving person, like a Saint, but make one mistake. That one thing doesn't make you a bad person.
My husband was unfaithful to me, does it make him a bad person, no, does how he dealt with it make him a bad person, no, but it does change how I feel about him and if I love him or not.

I would either end your marriage or end your affair. If you are a good person, then the guilt is probably quite tough as you don't want to hurt people, and you are hurting people, they just don't know it yet.

My husband broke me, I have never been the same since, I don't trust my instincts, there are times I feel worthless because of what he did to me. However upset someone would be with their marriage ending, it is nothing compared to finding out that the person they gave their life to had an affair.

This is interesting about having my cake and eating it, I'm thinking this through.

Financially I would probably be better off - he would be a lot worse off. I have some guilt about that. As for security - I'm not sure that I feel any more secure being in a marriage rather than alone. The security is only that my children have a stable home I suppose.

You'd be surprised at what children hear. Think more of yourself and them and stop trying to make excuses.

The security is only that my children have a stable home I suppose.

They don't though, they have a home where both parents have had / are having affairs, one parent is either emotionally manipulative or suicidal and the other is unhappy and unfulfilled.

If you stay, I promise you that it isn't 'for the kids' even if you think it is.

Whatever your relationship is like, that's the blueprint they'll go into adulthood looking to replicate.

At best, a platonic partnership of superficial convenience. Not a partnership of love, laughter, affection and warmth.

I would describe him as my best friend.

Sorry OP but this is nonsense.

He has had an emotional affair / sexting, you are doing the same & considering progressing to a physical relationship.

He threatens suicide when you mention ending it.

You feel financial constraints would limit you from separating as you're the higher earner & can't provide possible spousal maintenance.

No. This is a deeply dysfunctional relationship. You are not working as a couple, but neither do you have some great friendship. If you really did you'd sit down & work out what to do, not treat each other with such disrespect.

This is so unfair on your DC

I agree with all of this.

As Jeremy Kyle would say: grow a pair! You can't have your cake and eat it. Don't use your children as the reason to remain trapped in your marriage. Do the decent thing and split up. No amount of councilling or mediation can change your situation.

I've been in your position and I completely sympathise with your motivations. But I tell you, the relationship you have with this other guy won't make you happy in reality- you currently are lusting after an escape and an ideal. You need to end both relationships and find your happiness alone.

I'm sorry but your reading of the situation is wrong.

There is love between us. We laugh, we enjoy each others company, we have 'in jokes' we have code words, we play games as a family and have fun together.

This is not a home of two adults being frosty to each other, passive aggressive mutterings under the breath or out-and-out arguments.

I know that the children are happy now. If we were to break up they would eventually be happy again. But is it worth 12-18 months of chaos because I feel a bit unfulfilled??? Especially at a time when our SEN child needs consistency (her needs are currently so significant that we were very much at risk of permanent exclusion from school).

@LittleMsConfused

You say your DH has threatened harm if you leave. How is he likely to respond if he discovers your affair?

I know that the children are happy now. If we were to break up they would eventually be happy again. But is it worth 12-18 months of chaos because I feel a bit unfulfilled???

Is 12-18 difficult months worth them seeing their parents have the best chance of happiness for the next 30/40+ years? Yes, absolutely.

And your kids are only primary aged now but tweens and teens will be much more aware than younger children so breaking up before then is preferable to waiting. There will always be a reason not to do it 'for them' eg changing school, SATs, GCSEs, A Levels etc.

Your children do not live under the roof of a couple who are in love, happy, healthy and fulfilled. You can dress that up how you want and say they don't realise but they don't know what they don't know. And they don't know what a genuinely happy, healthy couple looks in real life day to day like because you aren't a happy, healthy couple. He's had an affair and threatened suicide and now you're having an affair and are clearly deeply unhappy.

You're kidding yourself if you think that has zero negative impact on children and their future relationships, sorry.

Hi lovely,
I'm not proud - obviously.

I'm posting in a place I know I'll get honest answers because I'm completely unable to talk to any trusted friends or anyone else about this hugely shitty situation. I know I'm not in a good place - I have not set out to hurt anyone. I've followed a path and realised (too late) I'm heading towards a point of no return and need to have a real think about my life.

But your response is fundamentally unhelpful. I am an actual person, and there are other actual people involved in this. Insults aren't necessary. Life isn't black and white - and I hope you never find yourself in this situation.

To give you some background I honestly never, ever cheated before. I have been cheated on in every relationship (including this one!!). I always said I would never do that to anyone else. I'm a practicing Christian, I feel strongly about my vows. I hate the thought of divorce. But until you find yourself in a situation you don't know how you'll act. I did not look for this affair... I was not on dating sites. I did not approach someone. I danced with a guy in a nightclub, chatted over some chips and happened to find someone who resonated when I said I felt trapped. It wasn't supposed to turn into ongoing messages...

As much as some of you will never understand this - I am truly trying to do the best for my children, which is what I've always done. I put them first. Always.