I'm having an affair

[LittleMsConfused]

Never ever thought I'd be in this boat.

I've always been the goody-two-shoes. Dependable. Looks after everyone. Plays by the rules.

Relationship has been pretty unhappy for a pretty long time. We've been married 10 years, together 15. Two primary aged kids. One with significant SEN.

I've known I've not been happy for a while - but due to husband's mental health couldn't tell him. Then I found him texting his ex explicit stuff. We had marriage counselling - I realised then that I'm not in love with him. It feels more like a friendship. I shared this with the counsellor privately and she assured me I could get those feelings back.

I don't feel like I can leave my husband due to the children. I did raise it with him about 6 months ago and he completely broke - threatened suicide, the whole lot.

Then I met new guy. He's in the same boat in his marriage. . We shared contact details as we both understood how we were feeling - He lives quite far away so it felt safe. It became flirty. Now we video chat. It's not PG...

Conversation has now moved on to talking about meeting and I realise how far down the rabbit hole I am.

I know I'm a massive bitch... I feel totally trapped in my marriage. Totally trapped as a mum. New guy makes me feel amazing.

Is it possible for a good person to have an affair?

No-one should judge you about this. It's a matter for you to resolve (with counselling if that helps). But be aware affairs can become known to others and then you have to cope with that.

Op do you feel like you need to be the good girl or be punished for something if you’re not perfect? Your situation doesn’t sound good, yet you’re actively choosing it so you must be getting some sort of pay off from that and I think you need to figure out what that is and why you need it.

leave your husband or work on your marriage. If he’s going to have less money, then so be it - why is it your problem to solve?
if he’s going to self harm then so be it - why is it your problem to solve?
i appreciate that sounds cruel, but what is he doing to help himself or you or your marriage? If it’s nothing or not very much then I don’t see why you need to make yourself miserable staying?

with this new guy, he’s unhappy in his relationship, why is it your problem to solve.
Why can’t he just leave? And why aren’t you asking critical questions. Like why is he lying to his wife. Why does he suddenly seem to care about me and be truthful to me, but not his actual wife? Is it because those questions would annoy him? Or is it because you’re burying your head in the sand.

and why are you saying this is for your children. No part of this is for your children. Again is it because you need to seem selfless and like you’re helping everyone? Do you need to Martyr yourself? Do you just need an excuse because you can’t admit your own wants and desires?

why do you need to punish yourself and run around making things work for other people, or telling yourself that’s what you’re doing to excuse your behaviour.
what is the code of ethics you’re working by here? Or what is the fear if you break it?

"The script" isn't something people follow to get what they want. It's what the do to justify what they're doing. Reframing the situation in their heads. Rewriting history. It's natural that people don't want to be the "bad guy", so they will find a way to make their bad actions excusable. So he isn't manipulating you any more than you are manipulating him. You're both characters straight out of "the script".

But I definitely wasn’t using a script. This is genuinely how I feel - I feel no romantic love for him at all. But I do care about him a lot.

I’ve felt this way for a very long time. Even before his affair. He was depressed for 2 years and essentially failed to function. I had to do literally everything - that’s when I started to feel unhappy. I thought with his recovery the old feelings would return, but they haven’t.

He tells me how happy I make him. He tells me that he feels exactly the same way as when we first met - but this just can’t be true… not least because if he did he wouldn’t have had the affair in the first place. Plus it’s been AGES - that lustful love just doesn’t last that long. I’m not sure if he’s lying to himself or just me.

So why suddenly feel like this other man was playing you/reciting a script?

Maybe he was, maybe he wasn't, I don't know, but you are saying exactly the same about your dh.

Plenty of people genuinely feel that way. It's not unusual. You don't need to have an affair with them just because you have something in common! But neither is it necessarily a cynical play on his part.

Plenty of people have pointed out the pitfalls. Some have given you a good kicking.

If you do feel guilty about his wife, then stop messing around. Or find someone else. There are plenty out there. Single, or married in open relationships. I just don't see the point in doing anything like this if you're going to bother feeling guilty about it. Why would you?

Oh op. You used exactly the same phrase about your husband. Were you cynically reciting a script when you said you love him but you're not 'in love' with him?

Difference is op's h cheated on her, essentially. She has reason to not feel in love with him, and to resent him. And then he doubled down by blaming her. And by using using wost tupe of emotional blackmail on her to get her to stay.

Presumably op's affair partner's wife has not done any of that. So no matter, he's a way worse shit.

Op you're better than being his cheating partner. Sack him off and focus on making a decision about your marriage.

Oh and just lol at your h blaming you for his emotional affair and saying you were distant, after you'd dealt with the circumstances you've described.

He was depressed first yrs and you gad to do everything- would you be allowed to blame him if you'd been unfaithful before he was abd say he was distant, he wasn't functioning, he was leaving every load on your shoulders?

Usually I'd be like fuck it - yolo.

But honestly - get rid of your husband and find other ways of making yourself happy that doesn't involve a man.. the situation you have going on is probably just filling your blood stream with tons of endorphins & dopamine. Obviously feels good and can be quite addictive. But finding happiness at the end of a cock never really ends well does it? What makes you happy?

If the other man was to bin you off tomorrow how would you feel?

X

Yeah... I do look at this list of things taken out of context and wonder what on Earth I'm doing. And it doesn't even the worst thing he's done if I'm honest.

I guess as well as the financial/logistical/children issues I've spoken about, I did go into my marriage 100% fully committed to making it work for ever. No matter what. It's hard to tear that up.

I honestly don't think I'd care. He regularly blocks my number when he's with his wife, sometimes it lasts like 3-4 days at a time. I don't feel any great sadness when that happens. I guess at times I've thought, I wonder if he'll ever unblock me? But in that case I wouldn't feel any great loss - felt good while it lasted... then it's done.

I feel kind of numb.

i would go abit stronger than that and say its dangerous to mess around with other peoples wives and husbands. You dont know what could kick off if your found out?

You could end up being attacked or worse it does happen. Some people dont take kindly to being hurt.

Not to mention that you have to live with what your doing even if your not found out. Do you want to lie and be having to be on your guard all the time.

Listen to yourself OP. He blocks your number regularly? Sometimes 3 to 4 days at a time? When he is with his wife.
Why are you living like this?!

If your husband threatens to harm himself if you leave, tell him you will call the police to do a safety check on him. Do it. Then if he is manipulating you, he won't do it again and if he is in genuine distress, you have done your part to get him the help he needs.

I have been doing quite a lot of reflecting over the past 24 hours... and I don't think I even know.

I think I might just be desperate for something - an escape? Excitement? To just feel something rather than just numb, going through the motions...

That's not to blame anyone or anything for my actions. My choices led me here, nothing else. But I can't be the only one to make a series of small steps in the wrong direction, look up and suddenly realise I'm lost.

Like - I'm usually the one in control, I look after everyone, I come up with the plans, arrange them and sort everyone out. I make the sensible decisions. I think about the outcomes and always do whats best for everyone. I put myself last - apparently put up with letting my husband treat me quite poorly... Then, some other guy who's quite fanciable comes along, shows me some attention and suddenly I'm like an entirely different person. Playing with fire just to feel something. Chucking my morals out the window... acting like a child. I don't know how i got here.

And I know I sound pathetic. I am.

You're not pathetic. You've got yourself into a really silly situation. It's making you think about everything though. Genuinely, listen to the women here who are telling you to leave your husband. Don't do this to yourself!

You're not pathetic OP.

Of course it’s possible. Who cares? He was texting his ex so you’re hardly down for marriage of the year even with counselling. Just end the marriage.

You aren't putting them first. One of the biggest things I've learnt on here is that children of unhappy marriages always pick up on it and are affected by it. You may be unaware of that, you may not believe it but you need to own your situation. Good person or not you need to end your marriage.

You're not pathetic OP, you've got some maladaptive coping mechanisms which probably stem from your people pleasing and deep unhappiness. Your numbness probably stems from having to switch off your feelings for so long. No judgement from me here, its an unpopular opinion on here but I do believe good people have affairs sometimes. The affair is a symptom, not the cause. Could you find another, more sympathetic counsellor on your own? Someone that specialises in psychosexual and relationship therapies and attachment disorders. The BACP website is a good resource, and remote/Zoom therapy is much more available now post pandemic. Your husband wouldn't need to know, but it might help you untangle how you got yourself in this situation that you clearly don't want to be in and feel trapped by.
Another thing, threatening suicide to make you stay IS manipulative and abusive. In the past a bad relationship meant I had to go to the police because I was being harassed by an ex. The police took exactly this behaviour very seriously and it made up part of the case- whilst you're in the midst of a relationship like this its very hard to hang onto what is normal behaviour is. Guess what, my ex is still very much alive. Google 'manipulative suicide threats', I'm sure you'll find lots that is familiar to you.
As I say, I'm not going to judge you, but either way you're going to have to grab the nettle and start to address this, you're clearly deeply unhappy in your relationship, and are switching off your feelings as a coping mechanism. The fact that you are acting in a way that goes against your beliefs and values suggests the way you are currently coping will be unsustainable for you in the long term. And if your affair is discovered all hell will break loose, everything will forever be your fault, and you'll probably find yourself in the midst of an incredibly acrimonious divorce. I know you're feeling guilty about what will happen to his finances if you got divorced, and that feeling of guilt is very difficult to escape. But that probably stems from your people pleasing, and its good to remind yourself that his happiness/security is not your responsibility. He has to take responsibility for his finances as much as you need to admit to yourself that you can't continue as you are.

@LooseGoose22

she is giving her H every indication she's happy with him at present, whatever about the past

Where do you get that impression?

From the OP: We laugh, we enjoy each others company, we have 'in jokes' we have code words, we play games as a family and have fun together.

this is really clear, honest and helpful. Thank you for taking the time to offer this. I will be returning to it several times I think.

i know deep down that I’m unhappy and not dealing with it in the best way. I need to take some (probably painful) actions to move forward.

I just wanted to make clear - he knows that I love him, but not ‘in love’ with him. He knows I don’t feel ‘the spark’. He knows that I’ve been unhappy for a long time - we have talked about this, happy people don’t ask for divorces!! He’s making changes - but it’s too little too late for me.

But (and apparently some people cannot/will not understand this) we get on. We enjoy each other’s company. I’m not setting out to deceive him when I laugh at a funny joke or rest a foot on him on the sofa at night or give him a cuddle in the morning. It’s just how we are.

To be fair OP, I think the vast majority of people would think there was still some sort of 'spark' with their partner if the dynamic was as you described: Yes, we hug, hold hands, snuggle on the sofa, cuddle in bed

So people weren't unreasonable to suggest he might be confused. It's good if he's not though.

Honestly @LittleMsConfused I know where you are coming from.

I felt the same about my husband. We had a great life together, got one, enjoyed going out together, holidays. It was fine. But it lacked passion.

I had an affair, years later I'm now married to that affair partner. It wasn't straightforward for us. And I know what everyone will say, yada yada yada. Once a cheater...it's not always true. It's not black and white. There were reasons we had an affair with each other. We had a history.

Your relationship can be great with your husband, I totally get that, but sometimes it's not enough.

I'd urge you to end your marriage so you can be happy. You clearly deserve better and so do your kids. Kids know when there's nothing warm left in a relationship and that hurts them over time. If you stay in this marriage you'll probably get to your death bed and realise just how much of your life you ended up wasting.

Good luck.