I'm having an affair

[LittleMsConfused]

Never ever thought I'd be in this boat.

I've always been the goody-two-shoes. Dependable. Looks after everyone. Plays by the rules.

Relationship has been pretty unhappy for a pretty long time. We've been married 10 years, together 15. Two primary aged kids. One with significant SEN.

I've known I've not been happy for a while - but due to husband's mental health couldn't tell him. Then I found him texting his ex explicit stuff. We had marriage counselling - I realised then that I'm not in love with him. It feels more like a friendship. I shared this with the counsellor privately and she assured me I could get those feelings back.

I don't feel like I can leave my husband due to the children. I did raise it with him about 6 months ago and he completely broke - threatened suicide, the whole lot.

Then I met new guy. He's in the same boat in his marriage. . We shared contact details as we both understood how we were feeling - He lives quite far away so it felt safe. It became flirty. Now we video chat. It's not PG...

Conversation has now moved on to talking about meeting and I realise how far down the rabbit hole I am.

I know I'm a massive bitch... I feel totally trapped in my marriage. Totally trapped as a mum. New guy makes me feel amazing.

Is it possible for a good person to have an affair?

I also agree that its easy to feel trapped in a marriage but affairs generally lead to nothing but pain for those involved and its a ripple effect as so many people get hurt

I'm not sure I'm putting my children's safety at risk. Posting here I was prepared for judgement of my character, but not accused at putting my children at risk.

My family's wellbeing is why I'm here at all.

My husband can be manipulative. To be honest, the more I learn about our SEN child the more I think he has similar issues. I don't think he intends to hurt/manipulate me - I think it's just what he does to get his way. When I explain that it's manipulative he seems shocked.

LittleMsConfused
I don't feel like I can leave my husband due to the children. I did raise it with him about 6 months ago and he completely broke - threatened suicide, the whole lot.
This is pure manipulation. You are not responsible for his emotions. Just leave him and move on.

If you think leaving him would be devastating to your family think how it would be if your affair was found out? He would be justified in slating you to everyone the kids would lose all respect for your, friends, colleagues , school mums you name it. Women who have affairs are judged FAR more harshly by everyone than men are

So u say that he'd harm himself if you left, and divorce would break him.....u think finding out about ur affair is going to go down much better??
Either stop and work on your marriage or split. Don't put the kids through this mess. Oh and bin off your counsellor as well, they're not there to decide what to do with your life

When I found out about him texting his ex - I wasn't all that bothered by the photos etc... I was more upset by the things he said about me.

I know this doesn't make me a better person - but I don't slag my husband off to anyone. He doesn't come up at all in conversations with new guy.

Thing is I'm utterly unhappy in my marriage - but I don't argue with my husband. We don't bicker. We get on really well. I enjoy hanging out with him. But the thought of him touching me makes me shudder. I'm messed up.

Yours isn't a typical affair situation though. Your husband knows you aren't happy. He has cheated. You are only together for two reasons;

1. He manipulated you
2. you're too scared to act on your thoughts.

Affair aside, you aren't happy. Havent been for a while. You've sought help and it didn't help. What else can you do?

I think you need to have a think about your long term goals. Do you want to be with your husband? If so, then you need to end the affair now and dedicate time to re-establishing love and trust. If you don't want to be with him ultimately, then do both of yourselves a favour and end it.

He isn't going to suddenly not have mental health issues. Nor are you going to get any younger.

Yes, reflecting on the counsellor we had she wasn't all that helpful.

I didn't feel able to raise how I was really feeling. I'm a people pleaser so just slapped on a smile and said 'all fixed now, thank you!'

This is fantastically helpful. Thank you.

Emotional and mental safety for children are as important as physical safety. Believe you and me an affair does affect children.

Look I know you want to hear that there is a load of women out there who will ‘understand’ the dreadful situation you’re in. And there clearly is by the comments on this thread. Lots of carry on comments, whatever, you’ll do what you want.

But you have agency, you have an affair partner who may be feeding you a pack of lies about his unhappy marriage (a betrayed wife whose confused right now and potentially could end up traumatised) and a man controlling you. Your decision making is centred around men and ego kibbles. There are no heroes here.

The only one who can be your own hero is yourself.

Whoever said you're pathetic, is a complete simpleton. Life is not black and white and you're in a tough situation. Of course good people do things like this. It's dangerous though, but you know that. I feel for you and I hope you find your way out in a way that's right for you and your family.

It’s nice you have someone to talk to but it’s only sex and not want you want long term.
find a way to move out from your husband and don’t let him threaten you with emotional blackmail.

Always the default excuse by those having/embarking on an affair to justify shitty behaviour!

Leave your husband, work on yourself and if another relationship comes along all fine and good BUT don't do this to yr other half who suffers with depression OR another innocent woman.

You are in limerence at the moment, escaping the drudgery of marital and family life living in a fantasy world.

There is never any excuse for cheating! Nothing justifies what you are thinking of doing.

My husband cheated when I was severely depressed...it has been 2 years, it will live with me for the rest of my life. The hurt, humiliation, the gaslighting, stonewalling, lies, never mind the harassment and cruelty from affair whore when he didn't move in with her (can't call her an 'affair partner' as too triggering and good for a woman who ended up with a visit from police due to disgusting behaviour and malicious communications) - what started out as a bit of escapism and fun for her, destroyed my marriage, life and that of my family. Now diagnosed with PTSD, I still can't sleep, lost 5 stone, lost hair, can't concentrate enough to hold down my previous job, now working part time in a lower occupation, my hobbies and interests all gone (no money or energy).....yep life changed forever when two people felt they were entitled to cheat!

This

Well it’s the old ‘ not in a happy marriage’ excuse when we hear the excuses men make about why they have affairs. Don’t hide behind your DH mental health and DC. Your not happy and having an affair - do everyone a favour and separate from your DH . His mental health might improve ( which is what many people tell the woman on MN when she is the victim of her DH affair) and you can get on and make a new life for yourself

@Canabelievethis absolutely. All affairs do is pass pain on.

I’m so sorry you went through all of that.

So your dh threatened suicide to keep you in the marriage? Not a great basis for a marriage.
Still don’t agree with you about having an affair though. You’re going about this the wrong way.

it’s only sex

Not the most relevant question, I know - but OP isn't having sex with him (yet), is she?

I know it's still an emotional affair but it's not quite the same as a physical one

Oh and I missed your recent updates -

so now the DH is manipulative- if this was a bloke on here saying he was having an affair- was in an unhappy marriage and bleated on about his wife’s mental health and her
being manipulative he would be thrown to the wolves - OP stop looking for excuses and own your mess

For some it is actually worse.

Regarding your question OP, apart from the fact having an affair is wrong, it's also likely to greatly increase your own unhappiness. You describe yourself as 'goody goody'. You're now behaving so far away from your own values, that you will feel awful about yourself.

Your H has manipulated you & betrayed you. Of course you don't want to be with him. Start planning a new life, stop connecting with the other guy, make plans to divorce.

The DC will do a lot better with parents acting with respect & integrity.

I'm not going to judge you and honestly, if you haven't even met this man in the flesh, then it's not really an affair.

You don't see a problem with something that is making OP feel anxious, guilty, confused and is offering her only escapism which means she is staying in an unhealthy relationship with someone who has emotionally manipulated her by threatening suicide, rather than leaving him?

Gosh. You really should see a problem with that.

For some it is actually worse.

Fair point.

I just meant really that posters keep talking about 'fuck buddy' & sex but I don't think that's actually accurate

Divorce is not easy - it would be devastating for our children. He's made clear he would harm himself if I left.

It's incredibly emotionally manipulative of him to threaten suicide if you leave.

And if he was in the headspace to possibly do that, him finding out about an affair is unlikely to be much better than you leaving him.

Whatever you did, it wouldn't make you at fault for him harming himself. That isn't on you and you would not be to blame.

It's highly likely though that he's saying it as a way to stop you feeling able to leave him.

Especially as he's already been emotionally unfaithful by sexting his ex.

The relationship is rubbish and needs to end for everyone's sake.

The current situation is working for nobody involved other than the man you're having phone sex etc with. Who could be screen recording your video calls or anything.