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Original poster

I'm having an affair

250 replies

LittleMsConfused · 10/08/2022 17:37

Never ever thought I'd be in this boat.

I've always been the goody-two-shoes. Dependable. Looks after everyone. Plays by the rules.

Relationship has been pretty unhappy for a pretty long time. We've been married 10 years, together 15. Two primary aged kids. One with significant SEN.

I've known I've not been happy for a while - but due to husband's mental health couldn't tell him. Then I found him texting his ex explicit stuff. We had marriage counselling - I realised then that I'm not in love with him. It feels more like a friendship. I shared this with the counsellor privately and she assured me I could get those feelings back.

I don't feel like I can leave my husband due to the children. I did raise it with him about 6 months ago and he completely broke - threatened suicide, the whole lot.

Then I met new guy. He's in the same boat in his marriage. . We shared contact details as we both understood how we were feeling - He lives quite far away so it felt safe. It became flirty. Now we video chat. It's not PG...

Conversation has now moved on to talking about meeting and I realise how far down the rabbit hole I am.

I know I'm a massive bitch... I feel totally trapped in my marriage. Totally trapped as a mum. New guy makes me feel amazing.

Is it possible for a good person to have an affair?

OP posts:
Idunnowhyibother · 10/08/2022 19:39

I was in a marriage for 10 years (together for 15) but no kids and I realised I had fallen out of love with ExH years before. I fell for someone and started divorce proceedings quickly as I knew I couldn't stay. Like a previous poster mentioned the other man was a symptom but I was stupid enough not to realise it at the time and it very quickly went tits up. Wish I'd recognised that finer detail sooner and saved myself a few years of absolute misery.

EarringsandLipstick · 10/08/2022 19:45

I would profoundly disagree that it's easier to divorce than stay in an unhappy marriage!

And I'd profoundly disagree with this!

I was in an awful marriage. V abusive. 3 DC. For years, I couldn't contemplate ending it. It was just not something on my radar - you got married & stayed married. I believed it could somehow be fixed.

I cannot overstate how miserable & ground down I felt, in a deeply unhappy relationship.

Finally I did manage to end it - it has not been easy, nightmare ex, financial challenges, no support but 100% better - and easier - than being in my marriage. Mine was abusive but I think the sentiment applies to any unhappy marriage. It is soul-destroying. Happiness comes from backing yourself & your needs, while being a responsible & caring parent.

Qik · 10/08/2022 19:47

Four unhappy people need to put all their kids first. When they have flown, then they can split and find happier lives. But a safe, stable environment for the kids comes first and set a good example.

CornishGem1975 · 10/08/2022 19:51

I am divorced, and it was so easy I wondered why I hadn't done it years before. I also used an affair as my 'escape' but looking back I could have just done it if I wanted to, it's not you're held their hostage.

girlmom21 · 10/08/2022 19:51

If your husband threatens to harm himself if you leave, remind him the marriage has been dead ever since he cheated - you just stayed living together.

shadeofmauve · 10/08/2022 19:56

I hope you get out of the affair whatever you end up doing with dh. No good comes from affairs but you already know that.

Onandupw · 10/08/2022 19:56

@Qik but they’re not providing safe stable environments for their kids.

being the children of divorced parents is better than being the children of miserable and abusive parents.

Whitehorsegirl · 10/08/2022 19:56

You really need to sort your life out and stop running away from your issues.

Start by leaving your husband. He is an adult and needs to seek help for his mental health, not try to manipulate you with threats of self-harm, especially as you know he has been sending inappropriate messages to an ex.

Then end your affair, focus on sorting your life out and then find yourself a man who is single.

I think you are using your children as an excuse as well to stay in this mess. It does not sound like a healthy family environment for them to be in anyway.

Whitehorsegirl · 10/08/2022 20:01

''@Qik · Four unhappy people need to put all their kids first. When they have flown, then they can split and find happier lives. But a safe, stable environment for the kids comes first and set a good example.''

What stable environment? a father who threatens self-harm as a way of control and two people who clearly no longer love ore respect each other and are looking elsewhere?

These kids are better off without two miserable parents living together in these conditions. Hardly a ''good example'' to live a lie.

EarringsandLipstick · 10/08/2022 20:05

I know if I left I would be leaving him with very little money - He wouldn't be able to support himself - and I definitely cannot financially support two households!

Well, you need to get over this.

If your marriage ended, you would need to make arrangements for care of the DC, and income will be part of determining maintenance.

If your DH has been the primary carer, then this will need to be accounted for in terms of maintenance, though if you decide to split access evenly, he should be able to fully return to work or look for higher paid work.

The requirements of the DC come first, you will have to address this financially. The reality of divorce is pretty much that the adults are worse off.

DinasCopUniform · 10/08/2022 20:07

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 10/08/2022 17:49

It's escapism op.
No judgment from me.
But if your dh finds out you will be The Bad Guy and the impact on the relationship with your dc could be massive.
Ime.

This. You have to know that you could lose everything. No judgement from me either, and I think I'm a good person.

Livelovebehappy · 10/08/2022 20:15

Do you even think for a second about his wife? He’s telling you his marriage is the same as yours, but you do know men who have no moral compass will tell you what you want to hear to get you into bed?

Plantstrees · 10/08/2022 20:19

You need to leave your DH. I was married to a manipulator who also threatened suicide etc but when we split he didn't go through with it. In fact he moved on quicker than I did. Please don't stay with him out of pity as you are also denying him long-term happiness.

You are not doing him any favours and it will be worse for your DC the longer this goes on. They will pick up on the flaws in your relationship and if you start having an affair it sets an extremely bad example for them. You are showing them that such behaviour is acceptable to you. You can't hide this forever, it will come out.

I am not going to be judgemental about the affair but it is just a symptom of a bad marriage. For all your sakes, please leave the marriage and move on with your life.

Original poster
LittleMsConfused · 10/08/2022 20:22

Whitehorsegirl · 10/08/2022 20:01

''@Qik · Four unhappy people need to put all their kids first. When they have flown, then they can split and find happier lives. But a safe, stable environment for the kids comes first and set a good example.''

What stable environment? a father who threatens self-harm as a way of control and two people who clearly no longer love ore respect each other and are looking elsewhere?

These kids are better off without two miserable parents living together in these conditions. Hardly a ''good example'' to live a lie.

I think I need to be clear that the children are living in a very happy home.

Despite me not being happy with my marriage - we do not have an unhappy friendship. We get on extremely well our house is full of laughter. There are no arguments. I do love him very much but I'm not in love with him. It would be easier to leave if we hated each other and were at each other's throats.

Part of the reason why I stay is that a lot of the professionals involved in the SEN child's care always comment on our happy and stable household environment.

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleMsConfused · 10/08/2022 20:24

Livelovebehappy · 10/08/2022 20:15

Do you even think for a second about his wife? He’s telling you his marriage is the same as yours, but you do know men who have no moral compass will tell you what you want to hear to get you into bed?

I do think about this... especially as I was in her exact shoes 2 years ago. He does seem really genuine when talking about why he was so unhappy with her.

OP posts:
Sohee · 10/08/2022 20:24

Hmm, I'm in a similar boat, except no kids and I haven't acted on my feelings. I feel you shouldn't have to stay in an unhappy marriage, we are all responsible for our own happiness, feelings etc. Maybe get to another counseling session and really decide the way forward, because what you're doing is unfortunately not the best.

girlmom21 · 10/08/2022 20:26

Sohee · 10/08/2022 20:24

Hmm, I'm in a similar boat, except no kids and I haven't acted on my feelings. I feel you shouldn't have to stay in an unhappy marriage, we are all responsible for our own happiness, feelings etc. Maybe get to another counseling session and really decide the way forward, because what you're doing is unfortunately not the best.

So you're not in a similar boat at all.

Sohee · 10/08/2022 20:28

Maybe I should have phrased it better. I'm married too and I'm talking with another guy, but it's not at the point of doing anything explicit.

Qik · 10/08/2022 20:30

Onandupw · 10/08/2022 19:56

@Qik but they’re not providing safe stable environments for their kids.

being the children of divorced parents is better than being the children of miserable and abusive parents.

Ah, that is different then.

I did not realise there was two abusive homes. Shame on you OP.

turquoise1988 · 10/08/2022 20:36

I'm struggling to get my head around the fact that you say it would upset your children if you separated from their Dad, but you would deem it okay for you to be sleeping with someone other than their Dad?

Even if they are too young to understand now, they will in the future.

You want to have your cake and eat it. You don't live in a 'happy household' for goodness sake. It looks happy on the outside, but if your DH is threatening to harm himself if you leave, it's far from 'happy.'

layladomino · 10/08/2022 20:37

Having an affair is not the same as being abusive to your children. That is offensive to suggest, both to people having affairs and to people who are genuinely abused.

Having an affair doesn't make you a 'bad' person. There is no 100% good or bad person. We are all shades of grey, and move closer to 'bad' and 'good' at different times of our lives. Some people who never have an affair may do other things that you would consider to be 'bad'. They may have had an affair in their past but because they wouldn't do it now they judge people who do, or they may have an affair in their future. We none of us know. The strangest circumstances happen and people who you'd never expect have affairs (speaking knowing of friends / relatives etc who you would never have believed it was possible).

That said, clearly having an affair is not a good way of dealing with problems. It isn't morally right and it's unfair on your husband, and could be destructive to 2 households, causing hurt for years to come.

Your husband is manipulative and thinks you should give up your happiness for him. He is willing to do that awful thing - threaten suicide - to control you and keep you stucj with him, unhappily. Yours is clearly no longer a good marriage and you should forget about the affair and get yourself out of your marriage. It isn't good for you, or for your children, who see a bad relationship being modelled and might later on base their relationshops on it. Get out of your marriage and then spend some time rebuilding yourself. In time you may get a new partner and you will be free to be happy with them, with a clear conscience and noone getting hurt.

Original poster
LittleMsConfused · 10/08/2022 20:37

Qik · 10/08/2022 20:30

Ah, that is different then.

I did not realise there was two abusive homes. Shame on you OP.

Show quote history

There is no abuse in my home, and nothing to suggest there is abuse in the new guy's home.

I know what I'm doing isn't brilliant, but let's keep it in proportion. I'm having a chat with another guy... this is not abuse.

OP posts:
butterflied · 10/08/2022 20:38

He does seem really genuine when talking about why he was so unhappy with her.

You're having an affair. You're lying. He's lying. It's the name of the game.

Comedycook · 10/08/2022 20:39

I did not realise there was two abusive homes
Shame on you OP

Oh purlease!

MrsSkylerWhite · 10/08/2022 20:40

In answer to the question, no, a good person can’t have an affair. A good person tells the truth and manages the consequences.

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