I'm having an affair

[LittleMsConfused]

Never ever thought I'd be in this boat.

I've always been the goody-two-shoes. Dependable. Looks after everyone. Plays by the rules.

Relationship has been pretty unhappy for a pretty long time. We've been married 10 years, together 15. Two primary aged kids. One with significant SEN.

I've known I've not been happy for a while - but due to husband's mental health couldn't tell him. Then I found him texting his ex explicit stuff. We had marriage counselling - I realised then that I'm not in love with him. It feels more like a friendship. I shared this with the counsellor privately and she assured me I could get those feelings back.

I don't feel like I can leave my husband due to the children. I did raise it with him about 6 months ago and he completely broke - threatened suicide, the whole lot.

Then I met new guy. He's in the same boat in his marriage. . We shared contact details as we both understood how we were feeling - He lives quite far away so it felt safe. It became flirty. Now we video chat. It's not PG...

Conversation has now moved on to talking about meeting and I realise how far down the rabbit hole I am.

I know I'm a massive bitch... I feel totally trapped in my marriage. Totally trapped as a mum. New guy makes me feel amazing.

Is it possible for a good person to have an affair?

No judgement from me OP. It’s escapism as you say. And a controversial view on here perhaps but chatting/video calling is not in the same category as a physical affair in my mind.

how would you feel though if you met up and got physical? Would you be able to look your husband in the eye? Or would you feel eaten up by guilt perhaps. Don’t do something you’ll regret.

can you use this experience as impetus to get out? Not leaving for the other guy but maybe it can focus your mind that both of you could have a greater chance of happiness if you separated. There’s also the classic - do you want this to be what your children think relationships should be like? - angle to consider.

Unlikely to commit suicide but will paint the OP as the villain who ruined his life etc and no doubt try and gas light everyone else

Good people end up un situations where they crave what they are missing in their relationship. And when you feel you can't leave because of kids you can feel an affair is the way forward and even the less selfish option than breaking up the family.

But its no way to live. Do the hard thing and divorce, and it will be best in the long run.

Absolutely this.

I genuinely believe that (the overwhelming majority of) people are not inherently bad, and don't aim to do bad things. Sometimes they make bad choices. Most of the times these situations are not black and white.

Marriage is tough. It doesn't get easier with time and a lot of work is required. I can understand how you can find yourself in this situation.

What is telling about a character, is how they move on from a situation. You have recognized that your situation isn't the best.

Now, you can stay in your marriage for the sake of the children, and carry on with the affair. Or not.

You can tell your partner. Or not

You can leave your marriage. Or not.

Who cares what people on the internet think?

Which choices do you want to make. WhT can you live with, deep down?

Meanwhile, in the real world. Yes of course it is. And you're not pathetic (dick post btw).

I'm not judging you but I do think you need to be realistic about the fact that you will get found out eventually and there will be a huge mess to try to sort out. You need to balance that against whether continuing with the subterfuge is worth the eventual explosion or whether you need a better plan of action.

Thank you. This is useful to break it down.

i know it’s weird to seek out opinions on the internet but I’m a person who organises thoughts by talking, but I can’t talk about this to anyone of my trusted friends for obvious reasons… I could have gone elsewhere but I genuinely want all opinions.

A good person could have an affair but a better person wouldn't. Every moment is an opportunity to stop what you're doing and be a better person @LittleMsConfused .

That your husband threatened suicide if you left isn't ok.

Why do you feel you can't leave your husband due to the children? Because you will upset them? You will upset them more by having an affair.
Nothing good can come from this, you've checked out of your marriage and will never be happy, so find the courage to leave now, rather then spending another 10 miserable years with him(because you don't want to upset the kids and he's threatening suicide) Waiting for the kids to get older and living this pretend happy life will affect all of you.

Hi

My wife and I have two SEN kids and spend ages navigating the education system. It is a source of considerable stress. I appreciate how hard it is. I worry about the impact on our kids. I think it is great that you've sustained a outwardly happy household.

My reading is that you were deeply hurt by your husbands behaviour with the texts both the act of doing it and what he said. That was deeply wrong and remains unresolved. I'd suggest breaking it off for a set period with the other person and really trying to deal with it, wherever it takes you. Then see where you want to go. My feeling is that your marriage has run its course and you are building up emotional distance before it actually ends.

Sorry it is so hard.

people don't get it, op.

They have to project a picture of a home with 'superficial relationships' and 'frosty' atmosphere.

The idea that a couple can still kiss, hold hands, snuggle on the sofa, outwardly look fine, but one or both is inwardly unhappy, is too conceptually challenging.

Your reasons for staying, at least for the moment, make sense to me, and the affair is the painkiller you need to continue in role. The idea of cake eating is thrown around - if your marriage was a cake, what kind of cake would it be?

One issue is if an eventual divorce takes everyone by surprise - it's not nice for kids to feel their childhood was a lie. When outwardly everything looks fine, it can come as a big shock to learn it wasn't.

So if you will eventually leave, bear that in mind. Work towards the future you want. Just don't leave for someone - leave for you.

You have said you "can't" leave but the reality is that you can. Perhaps there are quite a lot of challenges to overcome in leaving and you won't get much help with them, so it feels overwhelming and easier to put in the 'too hard' basket while you distract yourself with the escapism of an affair.

What you need to do is break each reason you "can't" leave down into its constituent parts, figure out which parts are your responsibility to deal with or could be dealt with by some not-too-burdensome effort from you, figure out which parts are fully your husband's responsibility to deal with, sit him down and clearly and kindly explain to him what they are and why he needs to address them, and leave him to get on with it. Have some therapy to deal address the unhelpful and unnecessary guilt you feel about choosing not to solve problems that are not yours to solve.

But first, ditch the affair. It's wasting your time and energy, which could be much better used in addressing your actual problems. The longer you carry on the affair and the more time, thought and energy you give to it, the less time, thought and energy you will have for extracting yourself from your farce of a marriage.

So. Problems.

Your husband's poor mental health. His to fix. Refer him to appropriate specialists.

Your husband's use of manipulation and threats of suicide to prevent you leaving. Ask if he really intends to kill himself if you leave, as that is what you are planning to do as your marriage is no longer workable. If he insists that he will kill himself, treat it with utter seriousness and tell him you will be advising his doctor and emergency services as you don't want that.

Your husband's poor financial situation. Why will your husband not be able to financially support himself? Take legal advice on his obligation to seek work if he is not working or higher earnings in the event of a divorce. Work out what it will cost you in maintenance.

"Chaos" of divorce. Think carefully through what you can do to minimise this. Can you keep kids in the same school? Can you stay in the house or will your husband expect to keep the house? Do you have good weekly routines and will you be able to afford to maintain them? What will the split of childcare be? There is nothing terribly wrong with children having two stable homes, but if your husband has poor mental health, will they really be two stable homes? Is this something you need to take into consideration and angle for a greater share of the parenting?

And give yourself something to look forward to. Make a vision board of the kind of life you want to live with your kids, in a safe and happy home that does not contain the stress of a disengaged and untrustworthy spouse. Focus on that positive long-term vision to motivate yourself, instead of the short term good feelings of an affair.

Is it possible for a good person to have an affair?

Yes it is.

An affair doesn't define your whole self.

It's more complex than that and your marriage wasn’t in a good place prior to the affair.

You're welcome to PM me for support and I'll explain a bit more. MN in very intolerant of affairs and I get that, but judgement isn't what you need right now.

@ArcticSkewer

The idea that a couple can still kiss, hold hands, snuggle on the sofa, outwardly look fine, but one or both is inwardly unhappy, is too conceptually challenging.

This doesn't sound at all like the picture OP has painted of her relationship though. Hugging, holding hands and snuggling.

Is it like this, OP?

Plenty of unhappy relationships look like this on the outside.

But here we have posters assuming it's some kind of frosty cold environment, or worse, with shouting matches.

Mumsnet is skewed that way. ...Divorce is always better, you'll be happier if you leave, children suffer when parents are in unfulfilling marriages, kids can always tell etc. None of that is necessarily true at all. It's perfectly possible for things to look fine on the outside, have signs of love and affection towards each other. In fact sometimes an affair makes it easier to project that, not harder, as it's the safety valve the relationship needs to survive.

Mind you, I always think there is something masochistic about the posters who come here to ask. Maybe they need the 'punishment' from somewhere. My top piece of advice about affairs would be ... don't have an affair if you're going to feel guilty about it.

What's the point?

Asking for opinions on here is a bad sign in that sense - of needing to confess or be punished. Everyone knows mumsnet hates affairs. No matter what you say about wanting opinions, op, I don't believe you there. There are a million better places to go for more neutral advice or opinions

i know it’s weird to seek out opinions on the internet but I’m a person who organises thoughts by talking, but I can’t talk about this to anyone of my trusted friends for obvious reasons… I could have gone elsewhere but I genuinely want all opinions.

In the past I always organised thoughts by talking/researching and I have found it useful, but the problem with any forum is the many, many voices that often just respond to one aspect of the problem and this can muddy the waters quite a lot. It can take a lot of effort to extract and use any meaningful advice. Now I tend to go to one or two trusted people who help me work out what is right for me. I can understand how you have got to where you are and It is easy to look in hindsight and say where you went wrong.

I would seek out an individual counsellor if I was you, get introductory sessions, and only settle with one you like. I would also consider if you had any friends that you could trust with this because they know you well. Obviously this is something that you need to consider thoroughly. Mumsnet is very quick to judge infidelity, and also quick to judge mental health issues, but can also seem quite rational while doing so. I have found that while I can agree with posts on a surface level, when I look at the situation as it pertains to my life, it is less straightforward. I think there is a lot for you to work through. The couples counselling was not right maybe, because you need someone to help you as an individual and not one of a couple, work out what you need.

And just a bit of advice, I really don't think this "affair" is going to take you anywhere good. I don't think it is abusive to your kids, and I understand what it is giving you at the moment, it is a diversion from a difficult situation. But maybe being diverted from it is the last thing you actually need? Good luck.

So much this
Ignore the posters blindly flinging insults. (It says more about them than you)
It's brave to come on here and admit this, you need to end your marriage and regroup.
It sometimes takes your head being turned to take the leap and get out.

This is really helpful, thank you.

I’ve always been the one to look after everyone, especially when he was going through his extreme depression a few years ago. I guess I‘ve cast myself in the role of ‘carer’ and put everyone else’s needs above my own - part of this is I feel it’s my responsibility to tackle other people’s problems.

The financial pressures would be massive. We would need to sell the family home and buy two smaller ones. He would struggle to get/repay a mortgage on his own.

i think part of the chaos of divorce would be figuring out the new routines. Whether or not my husband actually would harm himself isn’t clear… but he certainly wouldn’t make this process easy. I think the pain of divorce would cloud his thoughts and he wouldn’t act in the best interests of the children - he would just lash out to hurt me.

Yes, we hug, hold hands, snuggle on the sofa, cuddle in bed (when the weather isn’t baking at least!)

MN at its best.

man has affair = man’s fault
woman has affair = man’s fault

always makes for interesting and instructive reading

Regarding your last paragraph - maybe you are right.

In my normal life I have this guilt complex, I apologise constantly, I feel guilty for everything- for being sick, slightly missing a deadline, even if I do something that sets off a chain of motion that mildly inconveniences someone else (even if I had no control over those events).

But this? I feel no guilt at all. None. I know I should feel terrible, I shouldn’t be able to look my husband in the eye, wracked with guilt… but I just don’t.

So maybe that’s why I’ve chosen to post here. I know I should feel shame/guilt/bad - maybe I was unconsciously hoping a good kicking on the internet would stir those feelings up…

What @ArcticSkewer talks about, is exactly what my life was like. My marriage wasn't horrible, it was warm and friendly, outwardly we looked perfect, and the kids were happy...so when our divorce came around it was a massive shock for everyone because we were such a happy family weren't we? Except I wasn't.

Quite.

If you want to have an affair at least own what you're doing and stop feeling gullity about it.