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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm having an affair

250 replies

LittleMsConfused · 10/08/2022 17:37

Never ever thought I'd be in this boat.

I've always been the goody-two-shoes. Dependable. Looks after everyone. Plays by the rules.

Relationship has been pretty unhappy for a pretty long time. We've been married 10 years, together 15. Two primary aged kids. One with significant SEN.

I've known I've not been happy for a while - but due to husband's mental health couldn't tell him. Then I found him texting his ex explicit stuff. We had marriage counselling - I realised then that I'm not in love with him. It feels more like a friendship. I shared this with the counsellor privately and she assured me I could get those feelings back.

I don't feel like I can leave my husband due to the children. I did raise it with him about 6 months ago and he completely broke - threatened suicide, the whole lot.

Then I met new guy. He's in the same boat in his marriage. . We shared contact details as we both understood how we were feeling - He lives quite far away so it felt safe. It became flirty. Now we video chat. It's not PG...

Conversation has now moved on to talking about meeting and I realise how far down the rabbit hole I am.

I know I'm a massive bitch... I feel totally trapped in my marriage. Totally trapped as a mum. New guy makes me feel amazing.

Is it possible for a good person to have an affair?

OP posts:
Georgyporky · 10/08/2022 18:49

"Divorce is not easy - it would be devastating for our children. He's made clear he would harm himself if I left."

That's blackmail.

Of course divorce is not easy, but it's a lot easier than staying in a very unhappy marriage.

MaxTalk · 10/08/2022 18:53

LOTS of people are in the OP's position as am I. It's extremely difficult for all involved but I entirely understand.

I don't particularly get on with my wife but we stay for the kids as we think that's the right decision. We live quite separate lives but do co-parent.

All this judgemental shite on this thread is pathetic IMO. Things happen, people change and you need to work through it in the best way that works for you and those around you.

MaxTalk · 10/08/2022 18:54

Georgyporky · 10/08/2022 18:49

"Divorce is not easy - it would be devastating for our children. He's made clear he would harm himself if I left."

That's blackmail.

Of course divorce is not easy, but it's a lot easier than staying in a very unhappy marriage.

Surely that depends. I don't think you can say one is automatically easier or better than the other.

Original poster
LittleMsConfused · 10/08/2022 18:56

Comedycook · 10/08/2022 18:44

I'm not going to judge you and honestly, if you haven't even met this man in the flesh, then it's not really an affair.

Well, I definitely considered it an affair when my husband did it to me a couple of years ago!

You are all completely correct. I am deeply unhappy, wanted to end my marriage for ages but have felt completely unable to. The few times I've managed to tell him I want a divorce have always resulted guilt and manipulation. I can now see that the reason I'm contacting new guy isn't because I particularly like him or have feelings for him (I mean, he's hot, and talking to him is a total turn on, but I think that's probably more the situation than him) it's more the escapism from my mundane life. I am bored, my identity is ebbing away. New guy is an easy fix.

I absolutely do need time out of all relationships. I just can't see how I can achieve that right now.

OP posts:
Prunel · 10/08/2022 18:59

Just leave your husband
stop trying to please people
i would find it interesting that he was so upset about our relationship ending that he would end his life apparently
but not upset enough to try and fix it.

that doesn’t mean you should have an affair though. Or that the guys wife deserves to be cheated on.

Opentooffers · 10/08/2022 18:59

You don't have to own up to anything, and indeed, you haven't done anything worse than what your H has already. However, you should leave him. Don't hide behind your DC, if he is that manipulative that he threatens suicide, the best thing for them is for their mother to be happy, which means ending this. Yes he will possibly threaten suicide, but that is part of the manipulation. You are not responsible for his mental health, leave him to professionals.
You have more than enough reason to get away, as you know, this new guy is just a symptom. I hope you find the strength, how your H then deals with it, is up to him.

Comedycook · 10/08/2022 19:00

It's dishonest but it's not an affair. This man could be anyone. You like the attention and escapism. In fact, he could be a computer algorithm just sending you messages or a hologram of a man. He's irrelevant really. You don't love him...you love what he represents

Original poster
LittleMsConfused · 10/08/2022 19:00

Georgyporky · 10/08/2022 18:49

"Divorce is not easy - it would be devastating for our children. He's made clear he would harm himself if I left."

That's blackmail.

Of course divorce is not easy, but it's a lot easier than staying in a very unhappy marriage.

I would profoundly disagree that it's easier to divorce than stay in an unhappy marriage!

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 10/08/2022 19:01

@MaxTalk

I don't particularly get on with my wife but we stay for the kids as we think that's the right decision. We live quite separate lives but do co-parent.

You're teaching them that a relationship in which parents don't get on, and have relatively separate lives under the same roof, is normal.

They're likely to replicate that as adults because it's been normalised.

As someone who was the kid my parents 'stayed together for' I can tell you they won't thank you for it and won't benefit from it.

When you do the classic splitting up when the kids turn 18, they'll feel equal parts guilty you stayed together 'for them' despite being unhappy and angry that you made them grow up in a tense household with parents who didn't really like each other.

Rather than growing up with two happy, healthy parents who simply don't live under the same roof. Who might remain happily single or meet someone and have a happy, fun relationship with that the kids can look at and aspire to have themselves.

Nobody wins when you stay 'for the kids'. Please consider thinking about that.

wellhelloitsme · 10/08/2022 19:02

I would profoundly disagree that it's easier to divorce than stay in an unhappy marriage!

You think that divorce is harder than spending 20/30/40+ more years with someone you're unhappy with?!

BadNomad · 10/08/2022 19:02

You do not have to stay in an unhappy marriage. If he harms himself that's on him. Not you.

An affair is not the answer. It's just a little fantasy. Escapism. And very dangerous and damaging. There are so many things that can go wrong. If the OM's wife finds out, what happens is out of your control. How will you feel about everyone finding out? How do you think your children feel if everyone knows what their mother has done? Affairs, emotional or physical, are never safe or victimless.

Pollianne · 10/08/2022 19:03

This sounds miserable, OP. Your DH has emotionally blackmailed you into silence. You’ve found solace elsewhere - be careful with this as it does make you a bit vulnerable. Could you start making medium to long term plans to strengthen your financial and work situation? I know it’s not an easy time for either but doing nothing leads nowhere. But it does sound sensible to stay put for the time being.

HowManyTurtles · 10/08/2022 19:04

No, good people don't have affairs.
Don't be quite certain the things the married man you are having an affair says are true. The crap they come out with is usually bullshit.
The right thing to do, is leave your husband, end the affair and when the time is right, consider a relationship. (NOT with your affair partner).

superplumb · 10/08/2022 19:07

I would never judge, it isnt my place. However in this case you need to pull up the big girl pants sort out your affairs and housing and leave. What will be will be. You cant stay with someone because he threatens suicide. I'd be wary if this other bloke..hes likely to be thinking, great a shag no strings..but tell you all the she doeant understand me crap and would you want to be with someone who is capable of cheating? Leave look after yourself and little ones.. fuck the other bloke off.

MrPakora · 10/08/2022 19:12

You say your identity is mum and losing who you are. I felt like that when I was a SAHP. Do you not work? If so make plans so that you can financially support yourself and your children as affairs 9/10 times get found out.

You ask if good people can have affairs. It's very rare that a person is good or bad, there are elements of each. The action of cheating is never good even if you have your reasons and even if your spouse is doing or not doing things they should.

MrPakora · 10/08/2022 19:15

It does sound like you are disappointed in yourself for cheating. This relationship is so toxic it's making you take choices you never thought you could and turning you into a person you didn't think you would.
I think you're staying because it's comfortable and known. Leaving is scary and uncertain. It means you'd have to rely on yourself a lot more.
Whatever you do just be honest with yourself.

ABC123XX · 10/08/2022 19:16

@LittleMsConfused I really feel for you because I've been in a similar situation. Trapped in an unhappy marriage, children involved, everything looked hopeless. I resigned myself to living that way until I unexpectedly met someone who blew me off my feet. Nothing really happened.. we sexted a bit and it was exciting.. It didn't turn into a full blown affair ( for different reasons) but I sure as hell wanted it to. The crucial part of the story is that it woke me up to how deeply unhappy I was and I made my decision to leave. My husband didn't have MH issues but although he was as miserable as me I think he'd rather be stuck in the frying pan rather than thrown in the fire. We have now split and I'm so grateful to the guy I met who woke me up to life's possibilities. Life isn't as simple as many are suggesting on here. People are complicated and life is messy. Try and do whatever it takes to turn your life round. We all deserve a bit of joy and happiness.

AhAgain · 10/08/2022 19:17

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster
LittleMsConfused · 10/08/2022 19:17

MrPakora · 10/08/2022 19:12

You say your identity is mum and losing who you are. I felt like that when I was a SAHP. Do you not work? If so make plans so that you can financially support yourself and your children as affairs 9/10 times get found out.

You ask if good people can have affairs. It's very rare that a person is good or bad, there are elements of each. The action of cheating is never good even if you have your reasons and even if your spouse is doing or not doing things they should.

I'm in a bit of a different position to a lot of women. I'm the high earner in the household. I work full time and returned to work quite quickly after having both children. I love my job, and I'm fortunate to be paid reasonably well.

I think this is another layer of the guilt in leaving. I know if I left I would be leaving him with very little money - He wouldn't be able to support himself - and I definitely cannot financially support two households!

OP posts:
ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus · 10/08/2022 19:18

knackersToIt · 10/08/2022 17:52

OP I feel for you but you really need to step back from this and address your marriage. You don't have to stay in an unhappy marriage despite your husband's threats, but it will be so much less catastrophic for the children if you are not already in another relationship when that happens.
You are not pathetic, as the rather sanctimonious previous poster suggested, but for your own and your family's sake you need to do the right thing from now on.

I agree 100%. You are not pathetic, but I think you are making a mistake with this man. Meeting him seems to be offering you some joy, during a difficult and unhappy period in your life. But I think it would bring far more trouble than happiness.

Do take more constructive steps towards a happier life.

TortolaParadise · 10/08/2022 19:24

You do what you want (including dealing with any consequences).

Arsewangry · 10/08/2022 19:25

If he can do it with you he'll not hesitate to do it to you when someone else tickles his fancy

amylou8 · 10/08/2022 19:32

No judgement from me, I've been there. But either end your marriage now, or accept that it's a mistake and walk away from the other man. I ended my marriage, although my situation was less complicated as my kids are grown up. I'm happily with the 'afair' 4 years later.

2boysand1princess · 10/08/2022 19:34

LittleMsConfused · 10/08/2022 18:56

Well, I definitely considered it an affair when my husband did it to me a couple of years ago!

You are all completely correct. I am deeply unhappy, wanted to end my marriage for ages but have felt completely unable to. The few times I've managed to tell him I want a divorce have always resulted guilt and manipulation. I can now see that the reason I'm contacting new guy isn't because I particularly like him or have feelings for him (I mean, he's hot, and talking to him is a total turn on, but I think that's probably more the situation than him) it's more the escapism from my mundane life. I am bored, my identity is ebbing away. New guy is an easy fix.

I absolutely do need time out of all relationships. I just can't see how I can achieve that right now.

Show quote history

It’s escapism from responsibility. A responsible mother/wife/adult would speak to her spouse and let him know the love is not there and either leave or be honest to spouse you aren’t leaving yet for the sake of kids, but you have started to see someone else.
personally I think the best option for the sake of all parties involved is to tell your DH it’s over and not use the kids as an excuse because when you get caught cheating, the kids will suffer even more as they will find out their mum was cheating on their dad and will think that’s why the divorce happened!

TooHotToTangoToo · 10/08/2022 19:39

I'm afraid the truth always comes out op. Leave your husband and give yourself and your sc a chance at a happier life.

Good people do shitty things, this is what you're doing now. You say your dh and dc would be devastated if you split up, trust me, they will feel a whole lot worse if they find out about the affair. My Mum had an affair, I could, even at that age, understand why she did (Dad was a shit at the time), but I still hated her for it. Took us years to get back and have a half decent relationship