I'm having an affair

[LittleMsConfused]

Never ever thought I'd be in this boat.

I've always been the goody-two-shoes. Dependable. Looks after everyone. Plays by the rules.

Relationship has been pretty unhappy for a pretty long time. We've been married 10 years, together 15. Two primary aged kids. One with significant SEN.

I've known I've not been happy for a while - but due to husband's mental health couldn't tell him. Then I found him texting his ex explicit stuff. We had marriage counselling - I realised then that I'm not in love with him. It feels more like a friendship. I shared this with the counsellor privately and she assured me I could get those feelings back.

I don't feel like I can leave my husband due to the children. I did raise it with him about 6 months ago and he completely broke - threatened suicide, the whole lot.

Then I met new guy. He's in the same boat in his marriage. . We shared contact details as we both understood how we were feeling - He lives quite far away so it felt safe. It became flirty. Now we video chat. It's not PG...

Conversation has now moved on to talking about meeting and I realise how far down the rabbit hole I am.

I know I'm a massive bitch... I feel totally trapped in my marriage. Totally trapped as a mum. New guy makes me feel amazing.

Is it possible for a good person to have an affair?

You’re not pathetic OP. My husband has acted similarly, I have children with SEN. We are in separate rooms. I feel trapped. I feel like being the “good girl” has got me nowhere in life or work, and the temptation factor of being bad just for once is huge. My home and professional life look amazing from the outside.

But (and apparently some people cannot/will not understand this) we get on.

It's more than that.

I could absolutely understand 'getting on' with someone you no longer love - ie being respectful, polite, caring about them.

Continuing to be intimate (those acts like cuddling, resting your foot on him etc are intimate) is not 'getting on'. It's not how you would typically behave with someone who you merely care for without having an emotional / intimate relationship.

Yes you know you're own relationship best but chances are you are confusing matters - your H betrayed you badly, not sure you are reconciled to this, you are certain you want to leave him, but act differently & you're engaging in an affair.

It's a mess - you should leave him & work out what makes you happy. Good luck 💐

I think, from reading the responses to this thread, this feeling is far more common in marriages than people think.

From the outside, we also look like the perfect marriage. We have a lovely house, we have the nice jobs. I’m promoted regularly, I now manage a team… people always comment on how we ‘have it all’… if only they knew.

It seems that some are really keen to just end a marriage but things are not always that simple.

i know it doesn’t seem it, and I haven’t gone about things the right way, but I have always acted to try and keep everyone happy - I guess the affair was just something that happened by accident but made me happy so kept at it regardless.

With this married guy just slowly distance yourself and focus on your children.
Do you want your husband to find out so the marriage can end as your feel trapped?

I say that because I wasn't happy with my ex. I went and slept with someone even felt so guilty but suppose wanted it to end. I probably wanted him to realize we wasn't working but felt trapped because of my son. He did try putting it aside but each argument he threw what I did it my face. So I did end it.
While I was chatting to other men online one guy made so much sense. I got with my ex because I was grieving he said. My ex got chucked out of where he living. I believe he took advantage of me.
Saying that I know I was wrong back then.
Do you know after I told him it was over 2013 but we continued living together but separated and that was a nightmare. Not going to lie I went down a dark path seeking escape from other guys. He did start dating too. The problem I had we had joint tenancy and he wouldn't leave. In the end took my son and left. With the help of family, women's aid and the council. He said your breaking up a family and to this like we were no family. Maybe he meant his son and him. Saying that my ex no longer sees my son which another long story.

My point is think you need a lot of help to leave. I don't know if you have a trusted family his or your side. To sit him down and say listen we might get on for kids but you know we been over for ages. Hopefully his family or yours can keep an eye on him.
No child wants mum and dad to break up. They do learn to deal with it over time.
I really believe you need to speak to a counsellor or someone who would help you put a plan together so you and your children can leave.
Just concentrate on how to get out. Let it fizzle out with that guy and focus on you and your children.

The most sensible response so far. If you look at any of the threads re affairs you'll soon realise that this forum is not the best place if you're already feeling terrible. I really hope you find happiness as you are in an awful position. Life isn't straightforward for all, everybody is different and just trying to get along the best they can. You don't need judgement, you need support (not sure which forums are best for that though).

People clearly have affairs for a reason. Many women I would think is because they are hurt and let down. This is you by the sounds of it. I think you want to end your marriage. He has panicked. You need to make a plan baby steps with your dh. Maybe his panic is because he knows he hurt you and was in the wrong. Now your doing the same. Drip feed the not happy conversation and build from there. Good luck.

Of course it is possible for good people to have affairs.

Your husband is being emotionally controlling and manipulative by threatening suicide if you leave. No-one should be controlled by another human being like that.

If you makes you feel any better, I think it is fairly typical for married women who have affairs to be in very unhappy marriages.

You can stay with your husband or you can be with affair man, you can't have both so you need to pick. No one's saying it's easy, but that's life. You can't stay with someone because they threaten to hurt themselves if you don't, he is obviously extremely unstable and you and your children shouldn't be around that anyway. You cannot be responsible for his behaviour.

If leaving your OH is too hard then stop the affair, it's pointless if you're never going to leave your OH anyway and things could end up far, far worse if he finds out accidentally - he really might commit suicide then, and you really would have something to feel guilty about. You don't actually seem worried about him finding out accidentally and hurting himself though - so i'd say that's just a convenient excuse for you not to leave and to have your cake and eat it.

No judgement from me. Good people can do bad things, just like bad people can do good things.

This whole situation just stems down to the fact that you are unhappy in your marriage. If you're unhappy and the spark has gone, there's a good chance your DH knows that this isn't a romantic, loving relationship anymore. I mean, he was sexting his ex. He knows the relationship isn't right, and you know the relationship isn't right.

You don't need marriage counselling. HE needs counselling by himself to sort out his mental health.

You have your entire life ahead of you. You can't stay for the sake of the kids, so many couples do this and it's not the right thing to do. Do you want to be miserable for the next 40 years? Because that is what will happen if you stay for the sake of the kids. They'll also grow up wondering why mum and dad aren't very loving with each other, and why they're so sad all the time. They'll think that this is a "normal" relationship.

Trust me, if you want to do something for your kids, leave this marriage and show them that 2 happy homes are better than 1 unhappy home.

Username230822 · 23/08/2022 22:20
No judgement from me. Good people can do bad things, just like bad people can do good things.“

sorry, disagree. Good people try very hard not to do bad things and usually don’t.

No judgement from me. Good people can do bad things, just like bad people can do good things

The whole characterization of 'good people' vs 'bad people' is maybe unhelpful. We're all sinners one way or another. But we can choose to turn away from our sins rather than carrying on with them; turn over a new leaf and start again. That is what distinguishes a 'good person' from a 'bad person'- are they sorry for bad things they've done and have they stopped doing them ASAP.

@LittleMsConfused It’s been a while since you started this thread. I was just scrolling through MN looking for a few answers of my own when I stubbled across this thread. Just wondered how things are now - did you stay or go? Hope you are ok whatever decision you made xx

OP so many people on here will tell you that you are the devil itself but you’re only human and people make mistakes.

Your not a bad person and having an affair isn’t the worst thing in the world. You deserve to be happy so hopefully you get out of your unhappy marriage

Your relationship doesn't sound that bad to me! Not ideal, and the manipulation from him is not on at all and clearly there is still work to be done to recover from his affair, but is there any hope you could build on what you described? Especially as you've maybe now got a greater understanding of how a person can end up having their head turned by someone else. The cuddling, laughing and best friends etc sounds safe and cosy and just lacking a bit of passion.

I don't judge you for the affair, life isn't all black and white. Sometimes affairs can help a person gather the strength to leave a terrible marriage, when they see what a relationship can and should be like. I don't think that's the case here though. I feel you're lacking excitement and with any kids let alone SEN child/ren that's very normal.

Get a new counsellor who actually knows what she's talking about.

Then rethink.

You can't stay with someone because they are manipulating you.

Apologies - zombie thread.

It will end in tears. Honestly. My advice is to walk away from it now. Or at least have the balls for you to leave your H and him to leave his wife. He won't and you won't. So that just leaves hurt and deceet. This will have an impact on your children

Dont be that person. Waln away from it now. Sort out your marriage one way or another and be decent

Despite what many will say here, good people can have affairs. You should be careful though, don’t put all your eggs in this guys basket, he could be lying through his teeth to you about being in a unhappy marriage, after all you haven’t met him and you don’t know him. Be careful, you will be shocked at the lies men come up with for a bit of attention so guard your heart because it’s only you who is going to loose here.

of course good people have affairs. Here you’ll be roasted alive but in the real world people can understand how you both have been thrown together by circumstances

Could you ease the blow with your dh. Get him on board? Be gentle with the marriage ending conversation. An affair probably isn’t the answer. It’s just burying your head/distraction?

Generally speaking people are defined by their behaviour I'm afraid.

If you act like a liar and a cheat, you're a liar and a cheat. Not that complicated!

Your life does sound difficult. An affair is not the answer, tempting as it seems.

I've been on the receiving end and it is annihilating.

Good people are honest and open.

You aren’t trapped, it just feels like it and that’s why the prospect of an escapist bunk up sounds so appealing. Exit your marriage with dignity, if you need professional help doing so then find it.

The high you’re feeling now will have an opposing feeling if you continue. Self loathing isn’t a good look, look at your not so dear H.

You are in a very difficult situation, OP, I can see and truly do sympathise with that.
However, my sympathy ends at your choice to have an affair. Cheating is a personal choice, where other options are available, nobody’s circumstances ever justify it.
Sometimes people in difficult circumstances do it instead of honestly sorting their lives out, because they tell themselves that cheating is the only answer to the dilemma. The dopamine rush of the affair makes them feel better and currently nobody else gets hurt therefore it must make it the right thing for them to do. However usually it’s just a band-aid, not a cure.
It takes far less courage to have an affair than it does to sort out the things in your life that are bothering you. It’s ‘easier’ to just have the affair. It’s just a temporary high which is only letting you put off what you know one day has to happen, with the added bonus of making you feel guilty and ashamed deep down, and possibly blowing your life, and that of your family and your AP’s family apart, in a terrible, immensely damaging way.
Your short-cut to feeling good comes with a huge risk to everyone else’s well-being, whilst simultaneously removing their right to make decisions based on reality. Their reality is that you as a wife and mum are remaining faithful to husband/ dad. That you are a stable family unit. It’s fake. They have no idea that their day to day life is a sham. Their sense of stability and security is based on a lie. Allowing others to live in a fake reality is gaslighting, OP, it’s psychological manipulation and abuse. It can be dressed up as ‘life is complicated’ and ‘not everything is black and white’ and ‘lots of people cheat’ until the cows come home, whether you believe that or not or think it is good or bad is irrelevant. None of that matters, bottom line is you are putting your desires above everybody else’s, and by lying and concealing, giving them no choices in their lives and risking their mental health.

Believe me OP, everyone’s mental health will be severely affected if your infidelity is discovered. It will be far, far worse for everyone when /if (usually when) they find out, than if you honestly tell them that you are unhappy and need to change the status quo in some way in order to be happy. Your husband and children will know you are ok with being a liar and are ok with deceiving them just to feel good. You can tell yourself that it’s all fine as long as they don’t know as much as you want. The risk is huge. It’s better for your children to have the narrative going forward that their parents’ marriage ended honestly than that it ended because mum
was dishonest and lied to everyone. It’s very de-stabilising for children to have reasons to mistrust their primary care-givers, OP. The aftermath of the discovery of an affair and betrayal will add a mentally toxic double-whammy to trying to deal with their parents splitting up.
End your affair and tell your husband how you feel. It’s an affair, not the answer to your troubles and has the capacity to do more damage than you can possibly know unless you’ve been through it. Adding an affair to this mess is lunacy, absolutely crazy.
You can do this OP, and it’s the way to make your life better. The affair probably feels great but it’s a sure-fire way to make it potentially a lot worse.
Do not allow your husband’s reactions to dictate your need to do this. Do not listen to threats or guilt-tripping from your husband. He is an adult. He cannot help his mental health issues but he can help actively doing something about it.
Your husband’s treatment of you is his choice, he is responsible for that, not you. You are not to blame for his decision to use guilt as a way to manipulate, this too is abusive behaviour. His mental health and how he goes forward from here is his choice, his responsibility, not yours. Any threats made are also his choice, his subsequent actions would be his responsibility, not yours.
You cannot simultaneously be lying and deceiving your family, and also be behaving like a ‘good person.’ ‘Good people’ do ‘bad’ things, yes, but usually they stop once they realise they have violated their values and standards in order to feel good about themselves again. Once you stop lying and betraying and are honest, with yourself as well as everyone else, the relief will be enormous and you’ll be able to look at yourself in the mirror again and not feel ashamed.

Anyone who has been on the receiving end of an affair would have much rather been told honestly that the relationship was over than find out they were living a lie and being betrayed. The pain of being lied to by your partner is far worse than the pain of your partner being with somebody else. It is unbearable and attacks on so many more levels than a relationship ending does.
I don’t think you’re a bad person, but you are certainly behaving like one at the moment. Please don’t do this. Find your courage and do the right thing. Honesty really is always the best policy.

Your kids will be no more broken than anyone else's kids in a separation. If you can coparent ok, they'll be fine. Your husband won't harm himself, its a manipulation tactic, and even if he does that is his choice, his responsibility, not yours. I think some affairs happen because the adulterer finds breaking up too difficult. They commit an act that there's no coming back from, if they get found out....the break up is almost entirely out of their hands as the spouse boots them out. If they don't get found out, they can live in a fantasy world of their own making. Open your eyes and face up to your life