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Original poster

I messaged my ex boyfriend on his wedding day...he's gonna think I'm crazy isn't here

217 replies

pinkinmysky · 09/08/2022 16:29

My ex is a narcissist or at least he has narcissistic traits.
He mentally /emotionally abused me and made me feel worthless.
We split 1 1/2 years ago and he didn't explain why he treated me bad,blamed me and then stopped replying to me.

I got upset last Saturday after finding out he was getting married
I messaged him on messenger (he has never blocked me,just ignored all my messages but read them all)
I said how can he just move on and never give me any explanation to why he did all the things he did
It was long message
He obviously read it and ignored it
Then changed his picture to him and her after getting married.

He's gonna think I'm a total headcase now isn't he?
I'm not

OP posts:
LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 09/08/2022 22:20

pinkinmysky · 09/08/2022 16:54

We split because he totally head screwed me
Cheated on me multiple times but took delight in it.
I messaged him two days after asking for a explanation then no more till his wedding day.
He has lots of ex's he's done the same too (except those women he accused of hitting him)

Then the explanation is he's a self centred jerk who doesn't care how he treats others because it's all about his needs and wants and he'll screw any woman over to get what he wants. Marriage doesn't change that. If he did ever reply to 'explain' he'd just blame you for either not putting up with it or tell you it's your fault he cheated. You are never, ever going to get a real explanation from him.. He is who he is. Block and move on.

lickenchugget · 09/08/2022 22:23

I’m just waiting on post by a new wife asking AIBU that DH’s crazy ex is messaging him on our wedding day.

BeautifulWar · 09/08/2022 22:31

If he is a narcissist, he'll enjoy the fact that you're still upset and that he still has control by ignoring you. Cut him out for good.

Ilovelurchers · 09/08/2022 22:33

OP the reactions to you on this thread are in some cases bizarrely extreme. You sent him one message on his wedding day - you didn't turn up at the venue pissed and start a fight with the bride. You honestly haven't done anything that bad or extreme, and it's done now so just stop thinking about it. It really does not matter at all what he thinks about you.

All of the instructions to you to "get therapy" puzzle me as well - is it that easy? Is therapy suddenly free then?

You do need to try and let it go tho. Block him on everything, and his friends too. It's just upsetting yourself. Curiosity about an ex is natural and not unusual - I look mine up on social media every so often and so do many of my friends (look theirs up - not mine). But it's best avoided when the wounds are still so raw....

And there is no point wondering why he did what he did, because there is no real reason. People do a lot of things thoughtlessly, and often act almost randomly at times. It's not like there is an explanation he is keeping from you - he probably doesn't have much idea himself why he does the things he does....

Try and do things to look after you now and make yourself feel better. In time, you will hopefully feel ready to meet someone else if that is what you want - when that times comes try and find someone without the traits he showed which have upset you. Good luck.

PurpleFlower1983 · 09/08/2022 22:39

OP I’m sorry you’re hurting, I know this type of character, tells you you’re the most wonderful person in the world and the only one who gets them, they can’t believe their luck, can’t manage without you then lies, cheats and gaslights you until your head is so fucked up you can’t imagine being without them or being with anyone else as they’ve broken you.

Take that text as your wake up call and now make your exit. Block, delete and move on. You will feel better and sooner than you think. There are good men out there.

WisherWood · 09/08/2022 22:43

OP, I suspect I'm a lot older than you. I hope I am, anyway. So I'm going to give you the benefit of some very hard won wisdom. He treated you badly because he's a wanker. He's a wanker on a power trip and he enjoyed it. That's it. That's all the explanation you need.

The best outcome for you now is to forget him. Learn lessons from the relationship, but forget him. Block him. Tell your friend you don't care and don't want to know. If your friend won't take the hint, then distance yourself from the friend until they stop. There is no good outcome for you other than this. He will not change or apologise, or suddenly become the man you want him to be.

Abcdefgh1234 · 09/08/2022 22:50

You think you are not but hun you are the crazy one here. Leave him alone. Please move on.

Buythebag40 · 09/08/2022 22:51

You will never get what you want from him.

You will never get an apology or an explanation - narcissists in particular don't see what they've done wrong and will convince themselves that they were in the right. He probably doesn't even think he's done anything wrong - and yes he'll probably be telling anyone who'll listen that you're a nutter.

Just move on and don't ever contact him again. Pity his new wife. As hard as it is you're just hurting yourself by holding onto the past.

SmellyWellyWoo · 09/08/2022 22:52

Aw OP many of us have done stupid things like that. Try not to dwell on it. Block him/delete him on everything and it will get easier day by day.

xJoyfulCalmWisdomx · 09/08/2022 22:53

pinkinmysky · 09/08/2022 16:54

We split because he totally head screwed me
Cheated on me multiple times but took delight in it.
I messaged him two days after asking for a explanation then no more till his wedding day.
He has lots of ex's he's done the same too (except those women he accused of hitting him)

Heaven help his new bride.

You escaped.
Block him so you're not wondering if he'll ever respond.
He might, that's the danger.

Please block him.

SettingBeu · 09/08/2022 22:54

@pinkinmysky he sounds revolting. Wouldn’t be surprised if he’s divorced before long! Don’t worry about what you said, block him and really really try to think of him less and less. Some people are awful. Sod the message, it’s his last!

SettingBeu · 09/08/2022 23:00

Amazed at people calling out the OP for posting twice. So what? It’s a public forum, if you don’t want to read a repeat or similar thread then don’t! OP can post whenever she wishes.

PinkyFlamingo · 09/08/2022 23:05

really what part of me explaining what he did makes me crazy?

Its not what he did, its what you did. You're not listening to anyone.

Prunel · 09/08/2022 23:06

Op in the kindest possible way, a lot of pp are saying yes you do look crazy and you don’t want to hear it
what are you looking for here?
maybe he made you crazy
maybe it isn’t your fault
but to message your ex on their wedding day is a bit off. You’ve been broken up 18months, but it was that day you needed to contact him?

and what are you looking for from him why do you need an explanation, you’ve said what an awful person he is, so what explanation could he give you that would suffice.

mommynette · 09/08/2022 23:11

it took me 3 years to get over my ex, I was depressed for three years and nobody really knew why, just hid my depression so yes, it takes time to heal from something like this @pinkinmysky maybe what's needed is closure...on this sort of thing...start a new chapter for yourself...it's hard and difficult but you can get there

QueSyrahSyrah · 09/08/2022 23:15

Jesus. I'm sorry OP but with this you have proved him right when he called you 'crazy'. I have done some regrettable bat-shit stuff over Men in my time but this takes the entire biscuit barrel. His bloody wedding day!

It was 18 months ago. It's done and gone. As others have said, your explanation is that he's a twat, and one who is now someone else's problem.

I beg of you please delete all links to him from all your social media, and spend some time working on yourself (perhaps with professional help) and moving on from this hurt into a life you deserve in the present, not one that's perpetually stuck somewhere in early 2021.

Kite22 · 09/08/2022 23:23

Yes he is, and possibly rightly so. You’ve accused him of all sorts but you’re the one contacting after a year and a half on his wedding day. As @sunnyklara said, you need to delete any means of contacting him. It’s unhealthy.

This ^ from one of the first few answers.

Even if he were only 1/4 as bad as you describe, why would any sane woman want to still be friends with someone on social media, who had treated them like that? Confused Why are you still FB friends ? Why do you follow him on Instagram ???
You need to get some help - even just listen to everyone who has answered your question on this thread. Forget him. Let it go. Move on. Stop letting him dominate your life.

PlanetNormal · 09/08/2022 23:25

Here is the reality, OP.

He has made his choice, and he has chosen her, not you.
He proposed to her, not you.
He married her, not you.
She is his wife and she will be the mother of his children, not you.
He loves her.
He doesn’t love you. In fact, he doesn’t give a toss about you.

Now do you get it? For your own good you need to block him, unfriend him, detach from him, ignore him, move on from him and get on with your own life. Because when you do crazy stuff like messaging him on his wedding day you let him win even more than he already has.

ClearestBlue · 09/08/2022 23:26

Sorry you’ve been treated so poorly.

He has responded by not responding and you are wasting your life on this man. Time to get some therapy and think of the future. He is not in it. Relate are cheap and can see you really quickly x

Unforgettablefire · 10/08/2022 00:05

You've been split for 18 months and messaging him knowing he isn't going to reply. Time to move on and leave him alone

And I don't think he cares enough to want to make you jealous by putting his wedding photo up, it's what people do.

Delete him and don't look back. Narcs are so damaging you need to heal.

olivida · 10/08/2022 01:50

He sounds awful but messaging on his wedding day was quite inappropriate. Try to let the anger go, it sounds like its only hurting you while he's fine

Becky6758 · 10/08/2022 09:23

You need to get some help. It’s bizarre that you are still so caught up in it 18 months on.

Ilovemycat1 · 10/08/2022 09:32

Becky6758 · 10/08/2022 09:23

You need to get some help. It’s bizarre that you are still so caught up in it 18 months on.

I knew a woman who got married and she said at her wedding

'I hope Alan knows I am married now'

The marriage lasted 3/4 years

Iamthewombat · 10/08/2022 10:15

Embarras83 · 09/08/2022 22:10

Hi OP different for me my old boss was a narc and I know what it’s like when they have that hold over you. I’m 18 months on since our last contact and I still have to stop myself reaching out to him to touch base. He had some good sides to him but the controlling, gaslighting behaviour (as one colleague said he had some demonic hold on us).

Ive just had to remove him from my LinkedIn so I don’t get his updates/posts.

I intend to talk about him in therapy soon.

You’re having therapy because you are still obsessed with your former boss, 18 months after you last saw him? Your former boss whom you’ve personally diagnosed as a narcissist and gaslighter?

Yes, get the therapy. And, I hope that the therapist advises you not to hijack random threads about somebody else’s problems to drag it all up again. That was a strong hint not to tell us any more about your fixation with your former boss - your former boss, not an ex-husband or partner or parent! - on this thread.

Fushiadreams · 10/08/2022 10:34

Op how are you today? Do you feel any calmer or clearer? Do you feel you’d be able to reach out and get some help in the form of therapy or speaking to your doctor ?

it is clear you need help and there is no shame in that, what ever is causing your behaviour be it obsessive thoughts, depression or even an in ability to understand healthy interactions there is help available,

it feels like when you saw on his friends snap chat he was getting married you spiralled even further down, you were already struggling badly since the split, and you posted on here, then got drunk and sent him a long unadvisable text on his wedding day and now instead of being concerned about your own mental well being and how far this has gone now, you’re just worried he thinks you’re a “headcase”.

i think it’s time to reach out now for a little help to support you as you move past this episode in your life and get back to a happy healthy person who can found meaningful relationships.