I messaged my ex boyfriend on his wedding day...he's gonna think I'm crazy isn't here

[pinkinmysky]

My ex is a narcissist or at least he has narcissistic traits.
He mentally /emotionally abused me and made me feel worthless.
We split 1 1/2 years ago and he didn't explain why he treated me bad,blamed me and then stopped replying to me.

I got upset last Saturday after finding out he was getting married
I messaged him on messenger (he has never blocked me,just ignored all my messages but read them all)
I said how can he just move on and never give me any explanation to why he did all the things he did
It was long message
He obviously read it and ignored it
Then changed his picture to him and her after getting married.

He's gonna think I'm a total headcase now isn't he?
I'm not

Also tell your so called friend to not update you about him and really if they are a true friend why are they still friends on social media with him after how he treated you? I would be dumping a friend like that

😂

All the best op, as for marriage and years , mumsnet has shaped my cynical perspectives, about faithfulness ect.

Sometimes in life you have to accept an apology you never received.
And mourn someone who is not dead.
And file certain people's behaviour under "things i will never understand"
Good luck OP, I feel your pain.

Well clearly he's an arsehole but given you're never going to get an apology or an explanation, this is the next best thing.

I think the Americans refer to this as the trash taking itself out...

Er yes obviously

No response IS A response.

It doesn't matter what he thinks. And the fact that you think it does is part of the problem.

You need to get to a point where you literally couldn't give a shit what he thinks. That's not going to be overnight and I don't think a year and a half is that long in the timeframe from recovering from heartbreak. But you are not trying hard enough to reset your perception of him.

Remove all connections from him. Remove social media, stop seeing people who know him. Invest (emotionally) in something else. That doesn't have to be a new man (in fact ideally it shouldn't be). Channel your focus elsewhere. And get some counselling.

You may need to fake it until you make it. But you haven't even started yet. One foot in front of the other. He doesn't matter, he doesn't count, you've moved on. Repeat it until you're blue in the face if you have to.

He would never say anything because he didn't think he did anything wrong.

I've been in your shoes before but despite being traumatised for a while I moved on and started dating again.

I'm sorry if this is unkind but this is really stalkerish behaviour and quite alarming that you still care this much after eighteen whole months. He isn't part of your life and you need to get over that. You will NEVER get closure because he will never apologise or explain.

It's ok to be traumatised but it's not ok to keep reaching out to this person who clearly wants no contact and doesn't love you or deserve a second more of your time. He might have been the abuser but this is bunny boiler behaviour. Don't let him be right. Please focus on yourself now and put your past to bed.

I used to be married to someone with NArcisstic traits and I don’t think you are crazy @pinkinmysky . Although I can understand why other posters do.

I agree with all the advice to block him and get therapy. But I can also tell you why he did the things he did.

You say you want an explanation.

He cheated on you because he wanted to and he felt entitled to.

He enjoyed the sex and the ego boost and the attention from these other women. And most of all he got off on his power over you, to you hurt you.

He did it to punish you for whatever he believed you had done wrong.

He loved playing hot and cold with you, making sure that you were always focused on him and what he might do or say next, when he would be with you or drop you.

He doesn’t care about you and he never did. He is incapable of loving In a true and selfless way. He used you. You had a lucky escape if you didn’t marry him or have kids with him.

He will never apologise ever. So please don’t make your own mental well being dependent on that - it will never happen.

Read books, join online self help groups and get counselling. Live your best life and never contact him again. Ever.

I’m sorry you were hurt by this man but jeez, have some bloody dignity. He humiliated you repeatedly when you were dating and now you’re being humiliated again by messaging him on his wedding day. Are you some kind of masochist? It comes across as if you are. It’s been a year and a half and you’re still giving him the attention he wants. OF COURSE he wasn’t going to have a long emotional WhatsApp conversation with you on his bloody wedding day. What were you expecting?

What do you need to do to be able to move on with your life?

I know you want an explanation about why he did the things he did. But he won't give that to you. Because a) he knows he doesn't have to do anything you want him to do; b) he knows that not telling you may wind you up and people like that love to know they still have that hold and c) he doesn't care because he's moved on. You're not important to him.

I was in an abusive (physical and mental) marriage for over 10 years. I left my ex and never once have I asked him why he did those things. Because I don't care. He is firmly in my past and is now married (good luck to his wife). I'm now happily married with a DS so I don't need an explanation from someone like my ex. I won't go out of my way to avoid him if I saw him in the street, but there's no way I'd get in contact. Because the very best 'punishment' for my ex is to know that I have moved on and absolutely couldn't care less what happens to him.

I know that will have done his head in because he needs to know he is top of the pile and I would do as I was told. He left me a message on my phone about 15 years ago asking if I was OK and saying 'he'd love to hear from me to know that I was'. I ignored it because I don't dance to his tune anymore. So he left another telling me in no uncertain terms how rude I was and always had been (or words to that effect). I ignored that too because he now the equivalent of treading in a dog turd. Very annoying, very messy but not something I'd tend to spend time talking to.

Do the same. Ignore and move on. Don't expect any explanation. It'll either be totally irrelevant to him if he doesn't hear from you or it'll wind him up knowing that you don't actually care because your life is better without him. Either way you'll feel better.

But, whether he's a good or bad person, he doesn't owe you an explanation. Don't drive yourself mad looking for one or shut the good things out of your life by expecting one.

Congratulations.You have given him the best wedding present he could have wished for. He now knows that if he is bored and wants a bit of fun all he has to do is contact you because it will send you into a tizzy and you will react. It’s the gift that will keep on giving.

Have you never heard the phrase that the best revenge is to live your life well.

Why did you do that? He's decided to marry this one, if he hasn't changed well that's her problem now. Your timing suggests you were shouting "should have been meeeee" when you weren't, so it's all a bit bizarre and pointless. I suggest you block and delete, why would you keep him on social media anyway? Oh and he changed his picture to his wedding day because he just got married, it really isn't about you in the nicest possible way.

It’s tough when someone is cruel and you aren’t over what they did. But keeping him as a contact on social media is a very bad idea. You blocked his now-wife and it would be best to
block him as well and tell your friend not to update you on him.

You aren’t going to get any answers from him, you already know he paints all his exes as abusive or crazy and he’s not bothered to explain in 18 months so he won’t now. No explanation is going to hep anyway - you say he is abusive so this is just what he does. You felt worthless around this man and it’s worth reminding yourself not to look for anything that can help you from him. There are no answers he can or would want to give you. You need to put him in the past, get rid of all remaining ties and focus on rebuilding your self-esteem.

What possible explanation could give you answers? Are you asking him ‘what was wrong with me?’ Because the truth is nothing. You did nothing wrong. He played games with you only you didn’t know the rules and the goal posts kept changing. You were never going to win, because he didn’t want you to.

The only thing you need from this is knowing not to go near another male like him again, learn from it and find a nice man who wants to be with you, looks after you and makes you laugh.

Depends if they messaged him on his wedding day!!!

I'm afraid you are a headcase though! Why if he's so shit are you so desperate to speak to him? Delete everything about him and move on, you won't get any answers from him, he doesn't see he did anything wrong

Sound like we have the same ex!! I get why you did it but people like that will never give you an explanation and actually, would you believe a word that came out of their mouth anyway?! So what if he thinks your crazy, he’s probably already convinced himself of that to make himself feel better about your relationship.

I suggest Removing/ blocking them from all social media and move on with your life. That’s what I did, I then was truly free, met a lovely man and we have a child together. Make positive changes for yourself and good luck

Why would you hide his Facebook feed if he offends you so much??

delete delete delete.

If your ex was a narcissist, he most likely took advantage of your kindness and possibly you are in this sort of trauma bonding or stockholm syndrome possibly??? I'm not a psychologist

Op what's done is done, we've all been there.

It's sad people on here are kicking you when you're already down. That's mumsnet for you....
Delete him from every thing. You will cringe for a while until you don't care enough to.

This toss pot is not worth a split second more of your time.

Even if he wanted to give you an explanation, it would never be one that you understand and accept. So just put this twat firmly into the past. Remember, the best revenge is living well.