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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can’t get over this. Shocked

184 replies

cantgetover · 02/08/2022 10:53

I feel like I’ve been tricked for 20 years. I feel such a huge sense of loss 😞

SIL was I thought my best friend. We had pretty much daily phone contact , regular in person contact. Told each other everything. Everything (I thought) was fine. I helped her a lot with her dc (for context her dc are NT mine are SEN so she never felt confident to do the same for us but it was ok)

Anyway, long story short it turns out it was all an act ? She detests me. Thinks I ‘whinge’ and exaggerate dc needs. Thinks I’m lazy. Dreads any time with me etc etc. Has been advising dh to consider leaving me. She hates me. Basically it was a full on character assassination rant as id said no to having her dc for the 2 weeks of holidays that she couldn’t get childcare for and it just blew up. I never say no but my dc wouldn’t cope with a busy house 7-6 daily

I know that after seeing this side of her I should just forget her but I miss her . Well I miss who I thought she was. I feel lonely and it’s a sense of loss. I keep getting tearful and a couple of gifts she had got me that I lived I’ve thrown away because they make me get choked up and cry

OP posts:
Original poster
cantgetover · 02/08/2022 10:53

loved not lived

OP posts:
JosephineGH · 02/08/2022 10:55

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

YoSofi · 02/08/2022 10:55

That’s awful I’m so sorry!

Did she say those things directly to you? What has your DH said?

It must hurt and will take time to process but it says everything about her and nothing about you x

layladomino · 02/08/2022 10:57

I'm so sorry, you must be in shock.

Don't assume that the whole 20 years have been a lie, but it seems as though everything was fine until you said 'no' (very reasonably). Perhaps she's always been selfish but you haven't seen any of it (unlikely in 20 years but not impossible) or perhaps there's something going on her life right now that has made her act selfishly and stupidly.

How has your DH reacted to this? I hope he's supporting you and has acknowledged how unreasonable she has been. I hope he's defended you to her and reminded her of all you've happily done for her, and that you had a good reason to refuse help on this occasion.

You don't 'owe' her childcare and she's reacted shoddily.

Ihatethenewlook · 02/08/2022 10:57

How do you know she said that?

Hotenoughtoburnasausage · 02/08/2022 11:01

My now ex sil also stabbed me in the back op.
It is a strange situation..

RiverSkater · 02/08/2022 11:02

I'm so sorry, this is awful, did she say this to you or was it relayed to you?

You'll be grieving the friend you though she was, and it will take a while so be kind to yourself.

Original poster
cantgetover · 02/08/2022 11:03

Yes she just exploded and it all came out , she had asked by text and I’d said that my dc would feel really unsettled and stressed with such long hours for 2 full weeks but that I could maybe do the odd day if we went out and if her dh could pick them up earlier (he wfh) she kept asking then I saw her in person and she asked again and when I explained again about dc she just blew up saying I was using it as an excuse always exaggerating their needs to get out of things etc

OP posts:
Original poster
cantgetover · 02/08/2022 11:06

I feel now as if because I’d said yes to do much that it’s covered up what was an unequal friendship as in it was fine while I said yes to everything. I don’t have many other friends and I’d thought as she was family she understood our struggles and I just feel really lonely now even this morning I took a nice photo of dd went automatically to send it to sil and had to stop and just felt so upset

OP posts:
Buythebag40 · 02/08/2022 11:07

Bloody hell, what an entitled CF she is! "Using excuses to get out of things?" - you don't need a bloody excuse (as though having sen children wasn't a big enough excuse!)
To quote two MN phrases: "NO is a complete sentence" and "when someone shows you who they are, believe them"!

rubyslippers · 02/08/2022 11:08

Did she say this directly to you?
it seems very bizarre
why would she be friendly to you and telling your DH to leave you ?

Original poster
cantgetover · 02/08/2022 11:09

I even caught myself wondering what if she’s ill? Literally worrying as it was such a nasty explosion she was angry and looking at me with hatred that I’ve been thinking it’s not right could she be unwell and not just being horrible ?? I don’t want to think that really she’s thought that of me the whole time I’m so hurt

Dh is very very angry about it. He has said she was totally out of order. He does agree it’s out of character though

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 02/08/2022 11:09

cantgetover · 02/08/2022 11:03

Yes she just exploded and it all came out , she had asked by text and I’d said that my dc would feel really unsettled and stressed with such long hours for 2 full weeks but that I could maybe do the odd day if we went out and if her dh could pick them up earlier (he wfh) she kept asking then I saw her in person and she asked again and when I explained again about dc she just blew up saying I was using it as an excuse always exaggerating their needs to get out of things etc

That’s horrible
FWIW i wouldn’t be providing two weeks of childcare for anyone! That’s a huge ask regardless of your own kids needs
she owes you an apology

Rutland2022 · 02/08/2022 11:11

You've been used. And now you know what she really thinks. It was all a lie.
It will hurt but you will get through it. Don’t you dare make excuses for her!

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 02/08/2022 11:11

Is she your husband's sister or married to your brother?

Original poster
cantgetover · 02/08/2022 11:12

rubyslippers · 02/08/2022 11:08

Did she say this directly to you?
it seems very bizarre
why would she be friendly to you and telling your DH to leave you ?

Yes this is why I feel so shocked. She said I’m lazy and use the dc as an excuse and how dh should have taken her advice to ‘get out’ years ago . Dh confirmed she had said to him a few times he ‘could do better’ and he had told her to stop and never say it again the last time (about 6m ago). She had once offered to set him up with another of her friends who had got divorced!!!
He said he probably shouldn’t have kept it from me but he had told her to stop it and had hoped that was the end of it

OP posts:
Original poster
cantgetover · 02/08/2022 11:12

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 02/08/2022 11:11

Is she your husband's sister or married to your brother?

dh sister

OP posts:
flapjackfairy · 02/08/2022 11:13

well it is a grieving process and a big loss so be v kind to yourself and give yourself time
Frankly she sounds a total user and you are better off without her but I have been in your shoes and I still mourn the lost relationship. I think the realisation that you have been used is devastating and it is hard to trust your judgement again.
Anyway so sorry you are going through this. You sound lovely and it simply isn't fair.

girlmom21 · 02/08/2022 11:14

I don't think she actually necessarily feels that way. I think she's clearly a nasty cow and flipped out because you stood up to her. Is she generally quite dominating?

Original poster
cantgetover · 02/08/2022 11:14

Rutland2022 · 02/08/2022 11:11

You've been used. And now you know what she really thinks. It was all a lie.
It will hurt but you will get through it. Don’t you dare make excuses for her!

Yes I think so ive done a lot for her and had little in return but you don’t see it like that at the time I suppose plus I’m busy so haven’t really ever stopped and thought and we’ve not had a situation where I’ve said no to something major before

OP posts:
mikado1 · 02/08/2022 11:15

Very upsetting OP. Separate to this situation, I've learned that saying no and setting boundaries without detailed explanations works best. 'I can't do that for you but can do x day with an early pick up if that works?' and day no more. I read a good quote recently that said people who get upset at you setting boundaries were happy when you had none.

Chamomileteaplease · 02/08/2022 11:15

I fear you may have been blind to her selfishness up until now.

The bit of your post that stuck out to me was when you said you help her with her children but she doesn't with yours. That's not fair but it's doubly not fair when presumably it's you who has needed the help due to the SN!!

AtrociousCircumstance · 02/08/2022 11:16

Wow. What a horrible shock. She sounds blisteringly deranged.

Sorry OP what a painful, painful realisation. But at least you know not to waste your love and friendship on this toxic pos.

It’s obviously not that out of character if she has been regularly encouraging DH to dump you whilst being nicey nice to your face. Rather, the mask has slipped.

Hugs. Be kind to yourself.

Original poster
cantgetover · 02/08/2022 11:17

girlmom21 · 02/08/2022 11:14

I don't think she actually necessarily feels that way. I think she's clearly a nasty cow and flipped out because you stood up to her. Is she generally quite dominating?

yes she is a queen bee type but I’ve never had any issues with her till now i honestly thought she was lovely till this happened now I’m trawling back through memories but nothing else stands out. She does like to be the best/have the best/be centre of attention but I’ve never felt judged by her or anything I thought we got on well and I enjoyed her company if we went out etc this was a real shock and has made me feel so so upset as everything I thought was just all wrong

OP posts:
Bindayagain · 02/08/2022 11:20

girlmom21 · 02/08/2022 11:14

I don't think she actually necessarily feels that way. I think she's clearly a nasty cow and flipped out because you stood up to her. Is she generally quite dominating?

I agree with this - I don't think it means you have to rethink every situation and think she was lying/faking it. She's a fair weather friend who's happy as along as you're doing exactly what she wants