Can’t get over this. Shocked

[cantgetover]

I feel like I’ve been tricked for 20 years. I feel such a huge sense of loss 😞

SIL was I thought my best friend. We had pretty much daily phone contact , regular in person contact. Told each other everything. Everything (I thought) was fine. I helped her a lot with her dc (for context her dc are NT mine are SEN so she never felt confident to do the same for us but it was ok)

Anyway, long story short it turns out it was all an act ? She detests me. Thinks I ‘whinge’ and exaggerate dc needs. Thinks I’m lazy. Dreads any time with me etc etc. Has been advising dh to consider leaving me. She hates me. Basically it was a full on character assassination rant as id said no to having her dc for the 2 weeks of holidays that she couldn’t get childcare for and it just blew up. I never say no but my dc wouldn’t cope with a busy house 7-6 daily

I know that after seeing this side of her I should just forget her but I miss her . Well I miss who I thought she was. I feel lonely and it’s a sense of loss. I keep getting tearful and a couple of gifts she had got me that I lived I’ve thrown away because they make me get choked up and cry

I don't believe she didn't like you otherwise she wouldn't have been in daily contact with you - I doubt you were of use to her every single day.
I suspect she didn't want to pay for childcare for these 2 weeks and expected you to accommodate her and save her the money and has just flipped her lid when you pushed back , for the first time possibly.

However, this doesn't explain the trying to fix up your DH with her friend, that is absolutely unforgivable.

Honestly, things will feel better in a few days, you won't always feel so low about it. It's such an unpleasant shocking thing to happen and I totally sympathise with how you are feeling. Hope you can in time find some friends with a more equal footing, who enjoy your company and aren't takers like your SIL. xx

I don’t think dh has been complaining as when she was ranting at me she said I have dh ‘totally under a spell’ and that she wishes he would see how I use his dc as an excuse. She says she had tried to make him ‘see sense but he clearly has Stockholm syndrome’

I do wish he had told me but he says he thought it was better to tell her to back off and just thought that would be the end of it

But really now I think about it - I was initiating contact with texts , pictures of dc or calling to arrange meeting up it was rare for her to initiate but I think I just hadn’t registered that fact till now when I’m looking back at everything

OP I have sort of been here in a way, it is very upsetting.

Given what you've said, I doubt that she has disliked you for 20 years? I even wonder if she might come crawling back.

The person who did similar to me is all over social media with posts about how unhappy she is. She used to joke about having a big ego. I think I maybe just got in the way at the wrong time.

It's not a reflection on you and I doubt it's been a fake friendship for 20 years.

What a bitch!

Do you have a relationship with DH parents or other family?

My heart goes out to you, OP - it really does. You sound lovely. I'm sorry that you have had to discover in such a painful way how unpleasant and manipulative she is.

Do not let this vile, using woman upset you. She’s a total bitch.

There would be no coming back from that for me. Do not ever look after her kids again. She will come creeping back when she’s stuck but tell her to fuck off!

Her behaviour isn’t really out of character and your H chose to live in denial, there’s probably a whole family dynamic he’s chosen to ignore on the altar of, ‘she’s family’.

Grieve the relationship you once had and remember everything she’s said and done, says more about her than it would ever say about you. However, I would be absolutely fuming with your H, who let you be the unwitting fool to his two faced cow of a sister because he didn’t have the balls to tell you.

Be prepared for your H and other family members try and downplay her behaviour once the dust has settled in an effort to retreat back to their preferred positions of denial, don’t let them!

I've so sorry. Put your energy into other people and other things.

Wow, so sorry your friendship was found to be an illusion. What a betrayal and how deep that must cut. You shouldn't feel a fool, she should feel ashamed.
She sees zero value in the partnership her brother enjoys with you and believes it is so devoid of worth the only explanation can be that he is suffering from some weird mental hols you have over him.
Wow.
I think you need to grieve but also hold your head high because you aren't the two-faced low life using a loved one as a service human whose lived experience is deemed to be a pathetic lie.
You're right the mask well and truly slipped! 😲

Wow. She's a piece of shit.

Don't try to think up excuses for her. The rage when you said no is only new because you've never said no before. Telling your husband to leave you has happened over a long period of time. That's not a sudden change.

I can't believe your husband knew how she really felt and just sat back and let her take the piss. I would feel so let down by him.

"...Be prepared for your H and other family members try and downplay her behaviour once the dust has settled in an effort to retreat back to their preferred positions of denial, don’t let them!'

As PP says - don't let this be re-written in history!!!

I think you need to have a very open conversation with your DH on boundaries with SIL and his family in general moving forward - otherwise you have a SIL and DH problem.

You, DH and your DC are the family unit that needs to be your & his priority. He does need to be very frank in telling SIL this - with you standing at his side while he says it, so there can be not misinterpretation on either side!!!

Take a step back from her / his family and try and join some new clubs etc with the children to widen your social circle.

You must value yourself, your time and your family and not be used or spoken to is such a way. Don't forget you are teaching your children how to respect themselves with the actions you take.

So your husband has allowed, no, encouraged you to be taken advantage of by his sister, bending over backwards providing childcare to his nieces/nephews in order to what? Keep the peace? Keep his sibling happy? He was absolutely okay with his sister making a right fucking mug of you?

You have far bigger problems than a fake, user SIL.

You sound absolutely lovely OP. She sounds vacuous, nasty and you're well rid.
Get out and about with others. Are there any groups for parents with SN dcs? I bet there's groups out there. What area are you in? If you're near me I'll meet you for a cuppa and chat.

That must be so shocking and upsetting, I don’t know how you could get past it either. How dare she or anyone try to split up your marriage. She sounds totally vile! I can really understand your reaction. It is absolutely her being a horrible human. She can’t take the words back if it is that extreme.

she said I have dh ‘totally under a spell’ and that she wishes he would see how I use his dc as an excuse. She says she had tried to make him ‘see sense but he clearly has Stockholm syndrome’

SIL sounds demented! Also, you have been incredibly generous to this selfish woman. You say I helped her a lot with her dc (for context her dc are NT mine are SEN so she never felt confident to do the same for us but it was ok).
Surely most people would think the mother with SEN children would need help more than the mother whose children are NT?

Congratulations on having DH under a spell . Sounds as if SIL doesn't understand why a man might love his kind and generous wife.

You have not been stupid. You have trusted a family member. You have been loyal and decent. You have provided help and support.

She, on the other hand, has tried to set your DH up with another woman, judged your parenting of children with SEN and used you to the max whilst bitching about you. She has just asked you for more than 100 hours of childcare in the holidays, ignoring the needs of your children. And had an absolute tantrum when you did not comply with her ridiculous and selfish demands.

You will have to grieve the loss of the friendship that you quite rightly thought you had, but you should not feel stupid. She should feel shame and embarrassment.

I would cut her off now. Never speak to her again and completely avoid her.

My own sister did this to me a few years ago op - it hurt like fuck and I had no idea. Turned out she thought my kids (with SN) were badly trained, I was lazy and my husband was a scrounger.

I now realise my sister was screwed up from our childhood and was basically demonstrating behaviour learned from our parents.

She ignored me for two years then one day it was as though nothing ever happened. I asked her if she still thought I was after our parents money but she 'couldn't remember' saying that at all.

I let it go but am low contact and very wary.

What.a.bitch.

Yanbu to feel bewildered and betrayed and I can quite see why you feel the loss of "nice" SiL. Sadly she never was that person and you are well rid. Pps correct when they said it is not really out of character, its just that she's been hiding her true character from you.

I hope your next friend is better worth keeping. This one isn't.

Hi OP, I once walked in on colleagues slagging me off. I had no idea I was so disliked and was completely wounded. I went out for lunch and just walked around in circles crying. It was shit, and made worse because I liked these people. But that’s not even close to the betrayal you must feel.

It will be a terrible shock and will be very hard not to let this knock your confidence. After all, most of us just want to be liked. I don’t know what I’m trying to say really but I hope you feel better soon.

Are you at a different job? What a bunch of tossers. Probably jealous.

If she thought you were exaggerating your child special needs she would have returned the babysitting favours wouldn't she just to prove how easy it is my family do it ohh its not that bad I can look after ds anytime he is good for me! And ds2? Yes he will be fiiiiiine OK 👍 so both at the same time next Thursday OK for you? Crickets FUCKING SILENCE because they know ds1 is manageable most the time ds2 can be manageable also but two together? Extended period? Possibly feeding them? They can't cope

Wow there’s a creepy back handed compliment in there. She sounds off her rocker. Properly unhinged. That’s like some bad romance novel at least though she’s ensured you know it’s not him, otherwise you would have a bigger issue.

she doesn’t like you, she thinks you’re lazy and you use your kids as an excuse not to do something, instead of owning it, which is a heinous unforgivebale accusation, as no remotely decent parent would do that.

try to widen your social circle, you said you’ve other friends, not just her, so reach out to them.

something similar happened to me and I was cut off nastily by a best friend. She had done it to many other people so I really shouldn't of been surprised. At the time I was really gutted and it probably took me a year to properly get over it.
I've bumped into her a few times and exchanged pleasantries but I'm now so glad she's out of my live.
I hope you heal fast, just a bit trickier with family.