Can’t get over this. Shocked

[cantgetover]

I feel like I’ve been tricked for 20 years. I feel such a huge sense of loss 😞

SIL was I thought my best friend. We had pretty much daily phone contact , regular in person contact. Told each other everything. Everything (I thought) was fine. I helped her a lot with her dc (for context her dc are NT mine are SEN so she never felt confident to do the same for us but it was ok)

Anyway, long story short it turns out it was all an act ? She detests me. Thinks I ‘whinge’ and exaggerate dc needs. Thinks I’m lazy. Dreads any time with me etc etc. Has been advising dh to consider leaving me. She hates me. Basically it was a full on character assassination rant as id said no to having her dc for the 2 weeks of holidays that she couldn’t get childcare for and it just blew up. I never say no but my dc wouldn’t cope with a busy house 7-6 daily

I know that after seeing this side of her I should just forget her but I miss her . Well I miss who I thought she was. I feel lonely and it’s a sense of loss. I keep getting tearful and a couple of gifts she had got me that I lived I’ve thrown away because they make me get choked up and cry

*life

I was offered money for sex when on Plenty of Fish. I blocked and reported. I suggest you ditch him OP.

Sorry, I've gone and posted on the wrong thread. Having one of those days!

She is just a selfish woman who was nice to you when you were useful and had now gone mad at the thought of you not helping. Fuck her. I would not help her again.

Is this perhaps the first time yoûve said no to her ? she's shown zero empathy for what it's like to parent sen DC and feels they just get in the way of you being useful to her. She's shown her true colours. I think you should stop all contact with her until she apologizes and even then take a step back and be less available. Do a class in something that Interests you and start making new friends.

Make new friends x

Firstly, you need to step back and look at this situation more dispassionately.

Yes, her behaviour towards you was undeniably horrible and shocking but was it really so out of character when you say she has always been a ‘Queen Bee’ and wants to be the centre of attention and have her own way all the time?

Rather than feel that she deliberately misled you for 20 years, I think she genuinely enjoyed your friendship in as much as someone who is self centred enjoys other people’s company. You can’t be a Queen Bee unless you have a posse of followers, after all?

I think you have quite low self esteem and that over the years you wilfully ignored and overlooked her less pleasant character traits because you needed her to confide in. Thinking back, there must have been instances of her being unkind to others? As you say, you gave a lot and got very little in return. Parasites need a host body so in effect, she needed you too.

I have lots of friends in different areas of my life (school mums, hobby groups, couples etc. ) but I don’t have one special friend who I’d share everything with, because I don’t think that type of co-dependent type relationship is very healthy. It puts too much pressure on either party to be available and exclusive. When the balance becomes too uneven, the friendship implodes.

OP, take this opportunity to dust yourself off and start the process of making new friendships. I moved countries and started again in my fifties so you’re never too old to start meeting people and making new friends.

I hope you're feeling better today.

It clearly wasn’t out of character, and she doesn’t have a sneaky side, she has a downright hateful and extremely self centred side. She could hide it when she was getting enough favours that it served her purpose, then you said no. I hope childcare costs here a fortune. Or her job.
I’m sorry for the loss of the family you thought you’d have. I’d make sure you sit down with dh now and explain there will be no inviting her to your house for the foreseeable future, not for birthdays not for Christmas etc.