Page 6 | Can’t get over this. Shocked

Livelaughlove786 · 02/08/2022 14:28

Hallmarks of an emotionally manipulative relationship, the moment you cant help, you are worthless in her eyes. hope your hubby is supporting you

Thegroaninggurner · 02/08/2022 14:31

I think the best thing you can do is go and make yourself some new friends, it sounds like she has been using you and been rather spiteful behind your back.

TheFoodtheFadandtheFugly · 02/08/2022 14:38

I am sorry you have had to experience this. Perhaps there is a good/old friend entirely outside your family circle you could talk to.

I don't think you have to make any decisions about anything at the moment - looking after yourself and your family is the main thing. Don't feel you have to talk to her or acknowledge her beyond what you are ready for in the first instance.

If it would help, open a word document or similar and type out how you are feeling. Write it to her if it helps, or just as a series of garbled bullet points. I find this helpful sometimes as it gives the thoughts whirling in my brain an outlet, and they are easy to add to organise if I need to. This is because I have ADHD and suffer from RSD, so I feel huge empathy in that sense of dealing with the emotions of others, and what you thought a relationship was.

Meanwhile, just do small things that might help - listening to that euphoric silly song, going for a walk buying some poster paints for some outrageous art with the kids.

Cheeseandlobster · 02/08/2022 14:39

Your sil is an absolute cunt. She tried to break your marriage up! I would send her a text telling her what you know and that the friendship is over. Don't just roll over. I hope she sees this thread too

billy1966 · 02/08/2022 14:39

WhyDoesItAlways · 02/08/2022 12:55

I don't understand why you DH thinks this is out of character for her when he is well aware of the type of person she is if she's been trying to set him up with someone else and telling him to leave you on multiple occasions.

He knew that you relationship with SIL was one sided but chose not to say anything. I would be equally shocked at both of their behaviour in all honesty.

I agree.

He allowed you to be royally used by her all the while she is speaking badly about you.

I would be appalled if my husband did that.

There is no excuse for her behaviour, she is a user.

Beefcurtains79 · 02/08/2022 14:40

It’s funny how even after the first time years ago she told her brother that he ‘could do better’ and he apparently shut her down she kept on going? Even going so far as to then attempt to set him up with his friend. I mean, she really didn’t get the hint or he didn’t disagree as vehemently as he’s making out.
I wouldn’t be speaking to my sibling after the first time they said it to be honest. If indeed I did then give them a second chance and they not only continued to but upped the ante I’ve have then cut all contact and told my partner, and my parents why.
Your husband is either lying or the most spineless person ever. He’s certainly no innocent in this and does not ‘have your back’ in any way shape or form.

TheFoodtheFadandtheFugly · 02/08/2022 14:40

Just to clarify - I did not mean send the document, or email or any message to her! Writing it for yourself as a way of working through your feelings is all I meant.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 02/08/2022 14:44

She sounds like a massive dickhead and it is totally normal to feel upset when you have been betrayed by someone you trusted. Whether she meant all she said or not doesn't even matter.

The most important thing here is that you NEVER, NEVER let her back in as a friend or anything more than an unavoidable in-law again. No more favours, ever. No meetups so the kids can hang out, no keeping it amicable for the family. I sense that you are a nice and forgiving person so you'll need to suppress the urge to be kind - it would be a mistake here. Definitely time to make new friends.

momtoboys · 02/08/2022 14:47

I'm sorry this happened to you. I had something similar happen to me while I was at university and I was crushed by it. Spent three days in bed weeping. It is really hard. Take care of yourself.

MzHz · 02/08/2022 15:13

Thing is, DH was on to a loser whatever he did.

tell @cantgetover what his sister had said and it opens an enormous can of worms, hurts his wife when he thinks he’s dealt with it, had the whole thing blow up, whole family gets involved

so he said nothing and thought it was his thing to sort out. He knew the truth that he’s not interested so that’s all that matters.

if he told @cantgetover to back off or distance from his sister, or if he started backing off, sooner than later he would have to tell her why.

can of worms. Lose lose.

It’s best that @cantgetover see for herself what sil is. It’s a shock, but there’s no room for misinterpretation

Branleuse · 02/08/2022 15:13

Of course youre upset. Youve been betrayed awfully. Shes a two faced snake and this is huge. Id be devastated too.
The loss of a best-friendship can feel worse than a relationship breakup in my experience.

MzHz · 02/08/2022 15:14

@cantgetover you will feel sad, it’s a terrible shock, but you’ll get past this and eventually you will feel better

SVRT19674 · 02/08/2022 15:18

Grieve what you thought you had, it is so hurtful when something like this happened. I remember 20 years ago, I was part of a good work group. We would go to dinners at each others place and have a really pleasant time. This one person was leaving the company (Fran this is for you) and two of us actually stayed behind to wish him well. I really liked him, and had some really good conversations over time. We thought he was a nice guy. We wish him well, he picks his bag up turns round and says to me that I am a stupid idiot and that the other guy is is a damned pansy, we just stared at him in disbelief. This guy had been to my house, seemingly enjoying himself and liking us all. Told him so, he had the grace not to meet my eye. I did tell him I wouldn´t be caught dead in the house of someone I disliked to that extent. My gay friend who is never lost for words actually was this time! So I can imagine knowing she has used you while badmouthing you to anyone who would listen for 20 years must have left you reeling. Be kind to yourself. And do not let her back into your life. Snakes should be kept at arms lenght.

forrestgreen · 02/08/2022 15:20

When someone shows you who they are - listen!
Your dh should have listened 6m ago!

She's not ill, she's not having a bad day, this is who she is when you don't do her bidding.

Be polite but say no to every request from now on. If your ch didn't have sn she still wouldn't babysit for you

mamabear715 · 02/08/2022 15:25

@pylonpal that's so true, about grieving.
OP, I think your DH was caught between a rock & a hard place, & most men don't like drama! I think he'd have hoped it would all go away.
I have two SN kids too, of COURSE you can't just bring others into the home!! I don't know what your SIL was thinking, but thank goodness she's shown her true colours now. Enjoy your lovely family & count your blessings. Hugs. x

Purplefoxes · 02/08/2022 15:31

cantgetover · 02/08/2022 10:53

I feel like I’ve been tricked for 20 years. I feel such a huge sense of loss 😞

SIL was I thought my best friend. We had pretty much daily phone contact , regular in person contact. Told each other everything. Everything (I thought) was fine. I helped her a lot with her dc (for context her dc are NT mine are SEN so she never felt confident to do the same for us but it was ok)

Anyway, long story short it turns out it was all an act ? She detests me. Thinks I ‘whinge’ and exaggerate dc needs. Thinks I’m lazy. Dreads any time with me etc etc. Has been advising dh to consider leaving me. She hates me. Basically it was a full on character assassination rant as id said no to having her dc for the 2 weeks of holidays that she couldn’t get childcare for and it just blew up. I never say no but my dc wouldn’t cope with a busy house 7-6 daily

I know that after seeing this side of her I should just forget her but I miss her . Well I miss who I thought she was. I feel lonely and it’s a sense of loss. I keep getting tearful and a couple of gifts she had got me that I lived I’ve thrown away because they make me get choked up and cry

Wow @cantgetover with friends likes her who needs enemies eh?!

So she was best buddies (to your face) with you whilst you were her yes woman. But the minute you have an opinion different to hers she reveals her true self. Ug. Can't stand queen bee types like this. Queen bee is just a cute term for manipulate two faced b*tch by the way. They like to keep a crowd of worshippers around them who will do their bidding. You were her worshipper. She isn't a real friend. No real friend could be that cruel. Friendship is a two way process not a one way street.

You are worth a million of her. Pick yourself up, let go of the lie and block her and grey rock her like you would an abusive ex! Get your own back by living your best life and find a group of friends who really get you and willing to help you. Maybe try some SEN groups to start? It will get better and you can move on but she'll always be a nasty selfish miserable piece of work. Pity her! X

AryaStarkWolf · 02/08/2022 15:41

Well she's proper shot herself in the foot now anyway, she'll have no babysitting at all from you. Don't allow such a nasty person back into your life OP no matter what

shinynewapple22 · 02/08/2022 15:53

Spudina · 02/08/2022 13:13

Your DH has obviously been complaining to her about your marriage for quite some time. She wouldn’t just try and split you up if he was going round there saying everything was rosy would she? To some extent it’s natural that he talks to his sister, but that amount of disloyalty I frankly couldn’t forgive. You need to find your anger OP. At her definitely. Sack her off entirely and see if she comes crawling back when she wants something. Then tell her where to go. But you also need to put your husband on notice. You know he has been badmouthing you and in future you won’t tolerate it. Find some nice people to spend your time with. You sound lovely. X

I don't think this is necessarily true. I think OP's husband has acted cowardly - and he certainly should not have let the OP carry on thinking that the SIL was her best mate when she was attempting to stab her in the back. There is nothing here to suggest that he has been badmouthing the OP himself though .

Nahimjustaworm · 02/08/2022 16:12

You don't need to be friends with her just because your DH has the misfortune of being her brother. I had similar with my SIL and my DH's cousin. The SIL is just a self-indulgent piece of work and we've both been evil to each other but we tolerate each other now for the sake of our kids.

The cousin spent an hour one evening trying to convince him to visit my with my dd (who she sickeningly refers to as her princess even though she's barely seen her...barf) She specifically asked for me NOT to comr and she tried to persuade him that he wasn't happy with me whilst she knew full well I was listening and then wonders why we won't travel almost an hour out of our way to see her. I told DH he can do what he likes but I won't be communicating with her again.

Just get on with your life and leave DH to sort his own mess of a family. You have not obligation towards them you didn't choose them

Meraas · 02/08/2022 16:19

It sounds like a few fake kind words from her and you'll be back to being friends?

OP, do nothing for her ever again. She is not a friend or family. She's a snake.

Begoniasforever · 02/08/2022 16:21

DahliaDreamer · 02/08/2022 12:26

Good lord, only a really vicious bitch would try to break up a marriage and a family. You're well rid!

Really? Because for my money the other type of person who would do this is the sort whose sibling was telling them how unhappy they were in the marriage.

Begoniasforever · 02/08/2022 16:26

cantgetover · 02/08/2022 12:54

Thankyou everyone I really appreciate the support and kindness. I just feel so so lonely today it’s been really horrible. I do feel a little annoyed that dh didn’t tell me but he said he had made it clear to her to stop it but I wish he had said to me. I suspect maybe he hoped that was an end to it

So when they were having these convos and she was urging him to leave you and even setting him up on dates he was sitting there saying no no I love my wife and nothing more? She’s that deranged?

and then when he watched you talk about her, contact her, think she was your best friend and he did nothing, it’s because he’s a weak little man who hoped it would all go away?

and you believe this? I suspect strongly if you ask her about these conversations with her brother about ending the marriage you will find it was not as one sided as he is pretending.

Coyoacan · 02/08/2022 16:29

How horrible for you, OP, but her behaviour says so much more about her than about you. Straightforward enemies are so much easier to deal with the two-faced kind.

I'm still shocked at your DH not tipping you the wink about what his sister was up to, though.

Johnnysgirl · 02/08/2022 16:34

and you believe this? I suspect strongly if you ask her about these conversations with her brother about ending the marriage you will find it was not as one sided as he is pretending
Of course it wasn't. Nobody makes continual references to someone else leaving their partner, being set up with someone new, etc, if they've been properly shut down the first time they tried it.
It would have been the decent thing to make sure his wife wasn't made a bloody fool of for years, too, thinking this woman was her friend.
Sadly, he didn't do it.

SlickShady · 02/08/2022 16:40

Let me start by saying that I don't know your family so I could be totally off, but I'm basing what I'm about to say on my life experience with people in general.

Families are complicated things, and I'm talking when they're not toxic, fully functional. You get lumped with people you have a strong sense of obligatory loyalty to, yet they're often infuriating. However at the end of the day, as the saying goes when the chips fall down, family is whom you can rely on and they'll be there for you through thick and thin.

Over the years, even with family members you truly like/love and feel really close to, certain resentments and biases can arise and fester. Day to day this isn't usually a problem, as we recognise the good in those members over what we perceive are their failings, and we understand that on the whole the relationship is worth far more than the resentments.

However, at times when the dam bursts, pent up resentments come tumbling out. That can be for totally innocuous things, even sometimes things that you'd have to be really entitled and CF to expect and demand. This doesn't mean that the entire relationship was a lie or that that is all the family member thinks of the other. Only that in a moment of madness, things were said that were really damaging and hurtful.