Can’t get over this. Shocked

[cantgetover]

I feel like I’ve been tricked for 20 years. I feel such a huge sense of loss 😞

SIL was I thought my best friend. We had pretty much daily phone contact , regular in person contact. Told each other everything. Everything (I thought) was fine. I helped her a lot with her dc (for context her dc are NT mine are SEN so she never felt confident to do the same for us but it was ok)

Anyway, long story short it turns out it was all an act ? She detests me. Thinks I ‘whinge’ and exaggerate dc needs. Thinks I’m lazy. Dreads any time with me etc etc. Has been advising dh to consider leaving me. She hates me. Basically it was a full on character assassination rant as id said no to having her dc for the 2 weeks of holidays that she couldn’t get childcare for and it just blew up. I never say no but my dc wouldn’t cope with a busy house 7-6 daily

I know that after seeing this side of her I should just forget her but I miss her . Well I miss who I thought she was. I feel lonely and it’s a sense of loss. I keep getting tearful and a couple of gifts she had got me that I lived I’ve thrown away because they make me get choked up and cry

She's a CF of the highest order and an utter bitch. If I was you I would be fuming! I hope your DP has / is planning to have a word with her.

Turns out my relationship with my bitch sil and bastard brother has been fake for 30 years. They have also used my mothers altziemers to turn her against me. Stay strong you are worth more than any of them. I have also had a clearing of everything they got us mind it was all from Aldi or primark.

Yes and I’m surprised at how many folks are washing over this. It’s a major betrayal. I’d like to think my husband would never allow me to be conned like this. Even without telling he’d make sure there was distance. The op was being made a mug of and he knew.

Which makes me think he’s part of this. Well he clearly is. Ain’t no one setting anyone up who isn’t open at all and in love with their wife.

absoltely the husband has his hands dirty here and isn’t admitting it.

This is such a trite thing to say. She probably is not worrying about SIL. She is now worrying about what she may have done to be such a awful person in her SIL eyes- rejection is incredibly hard even if you know deep down it isn’t your fault. It eats away at you. Of course she is going to question why- they have known and apparently been friends for years.
Don’t be so naive

Good lord, only a really vicious bitch would try to break up a marriage and a family. You're well rid!

She sounds toxic op. Whilst you've been dancing to her tune and possibly lavishing lots of attention and praise on her she's been loving it. The second you understandably say no to a big ask from her, she turns nasty.

I have a toxic friend and whilst we are still friends and I miss certain aspects of her, my life is a lot more peaceful and freer without her controlling quite nasty presence. Little digs here and there, especially against other people important in my life. Very selfish - would ask many favours but not reciprocate unless convenient to her.

Lockdown has made me be choosier about who I spend time with and it is great.

OP you sound lovely. You deserve great friends.

She is toxic and in time you will realise and see this who needs someone like that in their lives?

Sounds as if she was trying to punish you for refusing her CF demand for childcare.

Thoroughly nasty, entitled behaviour and IMO very immature.
TBH I think you’d be well rid, esp. if she’s been telling your dh he could do better!

I had similar but from a long standing friend. It's devastating. Not only do you have to deal with the loss of the friendship, but it makes you question every friendship and completely undermines your confidence.

You are upset right now, but where you need to be is mad. Hopefully you will get there sometime soon.

You also have a Dh problem. She treats you that way because he has let her get away with it. I too have the same problem with my DH.

My SIL, well PIL in general, pretend to be nice to my face, but bitch about me to anyone who listens. It took a while for it to sink in, but it did eventually.

I was at a wedding once, and someone who I didn't know started talking to me and she was a bit drunk and said "Do you know who the SIL is (me), I hear she is wacko and has mental health issues and is loaded up on meds" That was about me, and it is also news to me. It is a complete lie. She denied it later, and I stupidly let it go but then when I had issues with my DH, she too encouraged him to leave. He didn't and I haven't spoken to her since which is 3 years ago. We are invited to her 50th and she can f'off. I am not going and I don't care how upset anyone is over it.

Be civil to her when you see her but tell your DH you won't tolerate it any more and he has to deal with her.

That is very upsetting OP. I think you need to explain to your husband that while he might have thought he was doing you a favour by not telling you what she'd been saying to him, in the end it has led to this. It's not his fault but if you'd been able to keep a distance earlier it wouldn't have affected you so much. But i wouldn't dwell on that as long as he has your back.

You must let yourself grieve the loss of this friendship though, go through the process and feel your feelings. And when you get to anger, remember how that feels in case she tries playing nicey-nice with you.

As soon as you wrote you had her kids but she didn't have yours I thought "just using the OP for childcare" - then you confirmed it.
Women on here never learn - never take on someone's childcare responsibilities.

God that’s really awful, no wonder you feel knocked by it.

Try not to feel stupid, you have just been a nice person, far more so than her.

Thankyou everyone I really appreciate the support and kindness. I just feel so so lonely today it’s been really horrible. I do feel a little annoyed that dh didn’t tell me but he said he had made it clear to her to stop it but I wish he had said to me. I suspect maybe he hoped that was an end to it

I don't understand why you DH thinks this is out of character for her when he is well aware of the type of person she is if she's been trying to set him up with someone else and telling him to leave you on multiple occasions.

He knew that you relationship with SIL was one sided but chose not to say anything. I would be equally shocked at both of their behaviour in all honesty.

I completely understand and you are absolutely justified in feeling upset and betrayed. I suspect your husband had good intentions b y simply telling her to stop it and not telling you, but unfortunately, as my mother used to say, "the road to hell is paved with good intentions" and he has inadvertently been a big part of this. He should have been actively working harder to ensure that a) you were less emotionally invested and b) that your SIL was not using you for childcare and other help and he's really let you down.

I'm sorry.

This must be really hard for you. I'm so sorry.

I experienced something similar with SIL years ago. I lived with DB and SIL for a couple of years in our twenties and thought SIL and I were really good friends. One evening, I spent time with her "best" friend, who'd had a bit too much to drink and told me SIL never stopped complaining about me; I was a burden she put up with for DB's sake.

Luckily, this was pretty early on; your situation sounds much more upsetting because she's been able to keep it up for so long.

In retrospect, I don't think SIL always lied about her affection for me, and it's more apparent now that her criticisms mainly expressed her "victim" mentality. There's always an avoidance of accountability, and she'll frequently cut off her nose to spite her face if it allows her to point out how "put upon" she is.

For example, despite being wealthy, SIL won't pay for a private diagnosis for her child, but she will complain non-stop about how the health services, school, etc., are letting him down by putting him on a waiting list.

The last time I saw her, she slated her sister, whom I'm sure she loves. Her sister suggested they work together. Instead of saying no because obvious factors would make it difficult for them to do so, SIL agreed and then spent months complaining to friends and family about the detriment these factors were causing her.

The theme is always that SIL is perfect, but those around her are less so, making life very difficult for her. If only they were as kind/helpful/reasonable/insightful as she is, then she wouldn't be so put upon.

To get the feedback she wants, something like, "poor you, you're so kind/lovely/wonderful; you don't deserve to be treated this way," she needs to point out the deficits in her "aggressor". Sometimes she's subtle and tries to put people on the path to that conclusion by themselves. Other times she's more overt, especially if she feels her back's against the wall.

Does any of this sound familiar to you?

I think what he must mean is the anger and shouting , obviously he’s been aware of the sneaky side from what she had said to him but we have never seen her angry before he said as a child she was quite calm too so that outburst was out of character, or the mask slipped I guess finally in spectacular style

Wake up OP.
She thinks you're a loser.
Don't try and kid yourself otherwise.
Stop being a doormat - you've learnt your lesson now.
This woman has no respect for you and couldn't give a damn about your kids.

Woooh. Hold on, I feel like quite a lot of responses on here completely skip over the part where you said, 6 months ago she tried to rip your family apart.

What the actual fuck did your DH say to her after she tried to set him up with another women?! Why are they even still on speaking terms?! Your DH should have properly dealt with her behaviour a long time ago before now. It's hardly 'out of character' when she has been encouraging him to have an affair/ see other people/ leave you and his kids for someone else. He knew that she had said these things, saying he could do better than you, and yet allowed her to be all lovely a kind to your face.

I think they both deserve each other to be honest. Nasty pieces of work.

This outburst is not out of character for her, this is exactly who she is.

I would never, ever see or speak to her again.

Part of me is worried he just wanted a quiet life so kept it from me when I wish I’d known what she was really like

I’m so sorry this happened to you OP!! Society always prepares us for romantic relationship woes but leaves us unprepared for female friend betrayal. Please don’t let her actions bring you down or impact your self esteem.

But in wanting a quiet life, he accidentally put his wife in a position where she was being used by someone and where she trusted someone who was actively working against her.

That's hard to come back from.

I had a 'best friend' who was often a total bitch to others and cut off lots of 'best friends' over the time I knew her. I was naive to fail to consider she might do this to me until she did. We were so close, I thought. It hurts, but it's not your issue, it's hers.