Can’t get over this. Shocked

[cantgetover]

I feel like I’ve been tricked for 20 years. I feel such a huge sense of loss 😞

SIL was I thought my best friend. We had pretty much daily phone contact , regular in person contact. Told each other everything. Everything (I thought) was fine. I helped her a lot with her dc (for context her dc are NT mine are SEN so she never felt confident to do the same for us but it was ok)

Anyway, long story short it turns out it was all an act ? She detests me. Thinks I ‘whinge’ and exaggerate dc needs. Thinks I’m lazy. Dreads any time with me etc etc. Has been advising dh to consider leaving me. She hates me. Basically it was a full on character assassination rant as id said no to having her dc for the 2 weeks of holidays that she couldn’t get childcare for and it just blew up. I never say no but my dc wouldn’t cope with a busy house 7-6 daily

I know that after seeing this side of her I should just forget her but I miss her . Well I miss who I thought she was. I feel lonely and it’s a sense of loss. I keep getting tearful and a couple of gifts she had got me that I lived I’ve thrown away because they make me get choked up and cry

It’s just such a sense of loss which sounds silly I feel like I should think ‘well that was an eye opener what a cow I’ll forget her’ but instead I feel tearful and that I’ve lost someone I liked ? I feel pathetic
Even wondering is she unwell (I wouldn’t wish illness on anyone but in a way I feel like if she was unwell then it would mean she didn’t actually mean it. The fact she’s said things to dh though is clear that it’s not illness though).
i think I’ve been blind to it, been a doormat I feel stupid

If she's been encouraging your husband for years to leave you (up to and including lining up a potential replacement!!!!) then she has never been your friend. How utterly devastating and frankly humiliating for you. Really feel for you.

Sounds like she was using you for childcare. I'm sorry op, she sounds awful.

I'm so sorry can'tgetover - that sounds so hurtful.
I think it's quite common for people to be able to be extremely charming, while they are getting their own way and then to turn very nasty, if thwarted at all. It also speaks volumes that she has been trying to arrange her brothers' relationships for him. My sister can be a bit like this. I love her company when she's being nice, but I will never, ever trust her again over anything.

Wait she said you're exaggerating your childrens special needs yet the reason she has never helped you with childcare is because she doesn't think SHE could care for your childrens special needs?

Also she literally tried to set up your husband with another women and instigate either an affair or your seperation? I wouldn't be sad OP, I'd be fucking furious!!! What a horrible bitch.

She is a nasty person and a user OP, please don't waste another thought on her. You sound absolutely lovely and will make better friends. X

Take care.

I am so sorry that you have had to experience this. I have had something like this and both my DH and I went no contact as DH was furious with her. He told other members of the family what had happened and made it clear to them he wanted nothing more to do with her.
I think the fact that she has encouraged your DH to leave you and even actively offered to set him up with someone else is truly awful.
If there is other family members i would be informing them so they know the situation.
I would be unwilling to let this go and unfortunately it now shows exactly how she views you. I am sorry OP as i know how much it can hurt.
Hold onto the fact that you are not the one in the wrong here.

Is isn't out of character though if she has been telling OP's DP to leave her for a while and trying to fix him up with other people.

She's clearly felt this way for a while but has been happy to use OP for her own needs such as childcare.

What a complete bitch. I would have nothing to do with her again.

I get you must be missing the social interaction, so it seems quiet and lonely.

But this woman is toxic, and she's dominated you, betrayed your trust, and used you (all while smiling and pretending to be a friend). It's actually time to get angry. I'd also sit down with DH and ask if there's more she's said/done - trying to set him up with someone else is shocking.

Start to make plans to socialise, build up a network of people who aren't users. It's not easy as an adult but it's doable. You cannot let her suck you in again (her sending presents is just trying to pull you back into a relationship that she can control). Block her. The person you saw that day, is who she is. The rest, is the façade she puts on for the world.

I agree she sounds inherently pretty nasty, especially the stuff about trying to set your husband up with someone else.

But I wonder if there are tensions with her husband. If he is working from home, childcare in the summer should be a bit easier. I wonder if he is totally refusing to help out, hence SIL getting stressed about it?

This is excellent advice.
Same situation for me except it was a family member I said no to.

Well hell rained upon me, Im an evil, nasty , lying bitch apparently.
My DH heard the conversation as it was on speaker phone and couldnt believe it.
It made me realise that as long as they got their own way our relationship was fine.
Any, even the smallest need of mine was dismissed or sneered at.
Interesting that she always gets your support but you never do in return.
Take a deep breath, huge step back and allow yourself to grieve.
Its very hard but 2 years later, I can see it wasnt what I thought it was and Ive changed for the better as a result.

She sounds horrid. Expecting you to.look after her kids for 2 weeks is outrageous. Her reaction to your reasonable response is disgusting.

You deserve better. Be kind to yourself. Make time for new friendships and distance yourself from her. Sorry you have experienced such a tirade of abuse. Her words may be hard to shake off but with a bit of time you will do it xx

OP it's simply that you are a nice, kind person who has helped when they can and understood and excused your SIL not doing the same for you. Now you know why she's never done anything for you, it's because she is an utterly nasty piece of work.

This has been a long relationship even if it wasn't what you thought, you have every right to grieve for it and miss what you thought you had. You know now though so please don't let her worm her way back in when she cools off and realises it more useful for her to keep you on side - as she will want to continue to use you in the future I'm sure. Well done for having boundaries and sticking to them, don't ever change that.

You've had excellent advice here OP. I just wanted to say that you sound lovely and not deserving of such vitriol. Take time to take stock.

I have an SEN child (and 2 NT) and noone can ever know what it's like to parent an SEN child until they have one; even then, every SEN child is an individual and totally different. She is nasty, selfish and not worthy of your friendship.

Tbh it doesn't matter if she said all this because she's stressed or ill if that turns out to be the case.... she's been telling her brother he can do better than you and encouraged him to be with someone else.

I'd never ever ever speak to her again. I wouldn't even go to her funeral.

I would've said maybe there's something else going on and she's just flipped and taken everything out on you, but not with the fact she's also been telling your husband he can do better.
I'm so sorry OP

I'd stop wasting any more time worrying over her. She's shown her true colours

The bigger problem here is that your husband has hugely let you down and set you up for this. He knew all along that she wasn’t your friend because she kept trying to cause the end of your marriage! And he allowed you to continue to invest and participate in this one-sided “friendship” when he knew how she really felt. Presumably because he didn’t want to be in the middle of any awkwardness. I’d struggle to get past that. What his sister did was nasty and you’re better off without her, but he’s the one who’s supposed to be the person you rely on the most. He doesn’t have your back.

Sorry OP. This is not 'out of character' - she has been trying to sabotage your marriage and bad mouthing you for ever. It was just an act.

I had a very similar thing happen to me. SIL (DH's brother's wife) and i were really friendly - not best friends like you, but always gravitated towards each other at family events and she was the one who was with me when I got ready on my wedding day etc.... And, we have always done more for them than they for us - bought their kids presents when ours got none, lent them £thousands (literally) to help them out (which we are still waiting for despite them having several long haul holidays) etc. And little things - always driving to them not vice versa, but it was ok because I though she is my family.

We were on holiday a few years ago and I said something she thought was selfish and she went mental - ranted and screamed about how selfish I was, how I thought I was better than her, I was a snob and bitch, didn't care about her kids, thought my kids were better than hers, my kids were out of control and I was a shit mum - literally screamed in my face for about half an hour in public whilst her kids tried to make her stop (DH and his brother were off shopping).

She later apologised but it was too late. There was too much bitterness and it was clear she had been holding her real opinion of me back. We are civil now but I will never consider her my friend or ally again. It's sad but not as sad as pretending everything is ok when you know your SIL actually dislikes you.

Fuck her

Is she menopausal, no excuse, but might be a reason why she was so out of character.

I’d make it known to her that you know about what she’s said to your DH about doing better!

Your DH should have encouraged you to distance yourself from his sister a long time ago, and not continue to be so friendly and helpful with her.

She's only been 'lovely' to your face because you were doing things for her and watching her children for her for free.

Behind your back, she's clearly been nasty about you. Nice people don't suggest men leave their wives alone to struggle with their mutual special needs children. they just don't.

She's a bitch, and she's shown her true colours to you because you finally said no to her.

She had a solution to her childcare for Summer and thought little old subservient you would never refuse her.
I have a SIL who was similar until I stopped being of use to her, although she wasn't anywhere near my best friend, it was like a switch going off once I said no.

What a horrible shock OP. I'm not surprised you're tearful and feeling shaken up. You're grieving the person you thought she was, the friend you thought you had. Take some time to process that. But please don't try to kid yourself that the person you thought she was, is still there. This isn't a one off, she's been slagging you off to your DH behind your back, and trying to break up your marriage. She's just been pretending to be lovely, while you were useful. The second you stopped being useful by refusing (quite rightly) to do childcare, she let the mask slip.

I reckon after a while, probably when she needs something else, she'll give a fake apology, and be nice as pie to you again. Please don't be suckered in, she's toxic.

She isn't worth the shit on your shoe, OP.

You sound lovely and deserve much better.

Make sure your DH tells his parents then cut her off totally. Block her on everything.

If she apologises it won't be genuine.