Can’t get over this. Shocked

[cantgetover]

I feel like I’ve been tricked for 20 years. I feel such a huge sense of loss 😞

SIL was I thought my best friend. We had pretty much daily phone contact , regular in person contact. Told each other everything. Everything (I thought) was fine. I helped her a lot with her dc (for context her dc are NT mine are SEN so she never felt confident to do the same for us but it was ok)

Anyway, long story short it turns out it was all an act ? She detests me. Thinks I ‘whinge’ and exaggerate dc needs. Thinks I’m lazy. Dreads any time with me etc etc. Has been advising dh to consider leaving me. She hates me. Basically it was a full on character assassination rant as id said no to having her dc for the 2 weeks of holidays that she couldn’t get childcare for and it just blew up. I never say no but my dc wouldn’t cope with a busy house 7-6 daily

I know that after seeing this side of her I should just forget her but I miss her . Well I miss who I thought she was. I feel lonely and it’s a sense of loss. I keep getting tearful and a couple of gifts she had got me that I lived I’ve thrown away because they make me get choked up and cry

If you are exaggerating your DC needs then why has she never had then for you? If they are so easy? Works both ways really.

Sorry for the shock, I'm glad you know you can't trust her now and that you know she is trying to break up your family. Dont give her any more info, she will jist use it for ammunition. Sending love x

Oh, and it wasn't 'out of character'. It was completely in character ... she just hasn't show that side of herself to OP. She clearly had to her brother, who just wasn't sharing the information and wanting to call it what it is: nastiness.

Remind your DH of all the things you’ve done to help her, childcare etc, and tell him that he can decide if he leaves you, he doesn’t need “advice” from the person claiming that you are lazy etc. If he doesn’t want to divorce on her advice then you can just carry on with your marriage/relationship without input from anyone who is back stabbing/manipulating/making things up to suit their narrative.

when I explained again about dc she just blew up saying I was using it as an excuse always exaggerating their needs to get out of things etc

Well that's rich considering she has used their SEN to never help you out with your kids.

(But sadly as a Mum to an SEN nor adult it's par for the course.)

This.

My sil blew up at me recently & I think it's linked to menopause & just not coping.

That said, I'd always felt an inkling of contempt. But to see a full scale outburst really shook me. I was humiliated in front of my two nieces & it does make me wonder what she says to them behind my back.

I'm not inclined to "fix" things as this is usually the pattern. This time I am done.

Complete CFery to say she can't cope with your DC but lazy for you not to look after extra DC & your own for an extended period.

Find people who like you...

It’s strange your husband let you carry on being besties with her, I’d be pissed off with him too.

Yes, this.

I’m struck by the part where you say you minded her NT kids but she didn’t feel confident to mind your SN ones and that was ok. In another friendship, the SN mum might not have wanted to take the NT child and the NT mum might have said of course not, and instead offered to give the SN mum a break. Do you see what I mean? The rules depend on who the dominating one in the friendship is, and in this case it was your SIL. How dare you break the rules!

You’re seeing a side of her that was ALWAYS there. It’s disconcerting but at least now you know! Knowledge is power. Recover your aplomb and try to seek friendships elsewhere. It’s tough but (with time) it can be done.

I feel the need to add, OP, this is NOT your fault. I say this because after I found out that my (now ex) SIL had been slagging me off to anyone who would listen, and spreading a lot of nasty lies, I felt that it was somehow my fault. I should have seen what a snake she was. I should have stood up for myself more when she was finally nasty to my face. But I was in shock, so I shut down. It's taken me a while to see it for what it was, primarily that she's a spiteful, two-faced bitch, and I didn't deserve it.

Awful behaviour. I think your dh really should have given you a heads up on the fact that she was encouraging him to leave and setting him up with other women, though.
It's incredibly disrespectful of him to let you continue to think of her as a best friend when he knew she was a backstabbing bitch who clearly hated you.
Did it suit both of them to have you running round like a lackey doing their bidding?

Wow my BIL is a CF by assuming I'll look after his child when he wants to get my DH to do something just with him, but he wouldn't be this presumptive and also so awful - walk away and tell her to arrange their own childcare over holidays and pay for it

And I bet when she calms down she’ll be horrified she’s shown her true self up like this!

How painful. The betrayal of trust is huge - you thought you had a friend and she's turned out to be a two-faced enemy. It's hard when you are attacked like that not to feel it's your fault, but it's hers. You didn't deserve her outburst or her backstabbing. Try to be kind to yourself about how one-sided this is.

But your DH stands up for you and that is so important.

I recommend you try to make contact with some meet up groups for families with SEN kids. They will understand. Friendships that grow from mutual understanding of a situation can be so rewarding. If your DC have quite mild presentation of SEN you could try asking on local pages of MN to see if anyone nearby is in a similar situation and would like to meet up for coffee in the playpark. Getting to know someone in similar circumstances could help you so much.

One thing I learned was: never take much notice of the opinion or advice of someone who hasn't been in your position. She doesn't have SEN DC, she has no idea how hard it is (though obviously thought it would be too tough ever to care for them single handed alongside her own DC, as she's asking you to do, so she must see that it's a more complex job.)

She'll soon come crawling back the next time she needs something. Cut her off and don't look back. She's nothing but a user.

God how upsetting. You poor thing. It’s easy to be nicey nicey when things are going your way but the first time you step out of line and push back - this gloves come off.

This is very difficult. If she’s been advising her brother to get out for years then yes it’s clear she’s never liked you and put a face on it for the sake of family harmony, I think what’s very disturbing is you thought she was your best friend and were telling her stuff and she just dreaded it and thought her brother should leave.

it’s surprising how two people could view the relationship so very differently but its worse how your husband could let this continue when he knew full well she wasn’t your best friend, it was really that she disliked you and thought of you as a lazy whinger. He should have stepped up and tried to stop that.

It does make me wonder what he’s been saying about you to her. I’m sorry op, but I suspect it’s not been good at all, and that’s been adding to her view. She’d not have been trying to set him up if she didn’t think he was open to it. He’s clearly been talking to her about you as that’s how the advice to leave would come up.

I am sorry but I think you’ve a bigger problem and I think it’s your husband.

OP allow yourself to grieve. You will feel a great loss in the short term, that's normal.

But then remember that you are a lovely person who has done nothing wrong. She sounds like an awful person and that's not anything to envy. She has to live with her personality, you don't.

I missed that she is your DH’s sister. Could he have a conversation with parents/other siblings and add her suggestions of setting him up with another woman while she knows he is married ? and then next time she does tell her to fuck off with her “advice”

Use your anger and hurt to gather strength, but keep the new-found strength to yourself. She is not the person you thought, but YOU are, just a more resilient version.
You continue to be strong, patient, kind, thoughtful, engaging, caring and happy, but one who has massively distanced herself from SIL. Regain composure and control of the situation - you are NOT looking after her kids, possibly never again.

You are civil, but distant. You are pleasant, but able to say “I’m sorry but that doesn’t work for me.” Every. Single. Time.

Her loss, not yours.

It’s obviously not that out of character if she has been regularly encouraging DH to dump you whilst being nicey nice to your face. Rather, the mask has slipped.

This - I had similar with IL when we started saying no for good reasons.

It was a shock as I thought we were getting on well - I'm civil the kids have a good relationship - in small does even like their company still - but they seem bemused years later I don't seek to spend time with them.

OP, I really feel for you, this is a horrible situation. From your posts in this thread you come across as a really nice and likeable person. From what you have have told us about this person, she just sounds horrible and that she has taken advantage of you.
She does not deserve you or your time.
I know that it feels awful now but at least you know that she is not who you thought she was and you don't need to let her take advantage of you any more. You will find other people to fill the void that she has left.

Absolutely this. He shut up for an easy life.

She's horrible and he let you think she was your friend. Gross.

Strikes me she was always a selfish cowbag, but as long as she was getting her way she could be pleasant.

Soon as she heard the word "no", she's shown her true colours. Granted, it could be something like menopause (lord knows I've said/done horrible things), but if it was, she'd be apologising, "I'm so sorry, I'm not myself" etc. Also, she wouldn't have a history of telling her brother he could "do better".

As PPs said - this says a lot more about her than it does about you. You're allowed to grieve for the friendship you thought you had. But you're also allowed to feel proud to be the sort of person who DOES give, and who DOES trust, and doesn't use people. That's rare and precious.

So is your husband going to do anything about it?

I'd imagine she wants to socialise with her brother without the restrictions that necessarily come with SEN children. Just dump the baggage, basically. She doesn't see either you or your children as family. Avoid like the plague.

Try not to take it to heart, it probably has less to do with you than you realise.