Can’t get over this. Shocked

[cantgetover]

I feel like I’ve been tricked for 20 years. I feel such a huge sense of loss 😞

SIL was I thought my best friend. We had pretty much daily phone contact , regular in person contact. Told each other everything. Everything (I thought) was fine. I helped her a lot with her dc (for context her dc are NT mine are SEN so she never felt confident to do the same for us but it was ok)

Anyway, long story short it turns out it was all an act ? She detests me. Thinks I ‘whinge’ and exaggerate dc needs. Thinks I’m lazy. Dreads any time with me etc etc. Has been advising dh to consider leaving me. She hates me. Basically it was a full on character assassination rant as id said no to having her dc for the 2 weeks of holidays that she couldn’t get childcare for and it just blew up. I never say no but my dc wouldn’t cope with a busy house 7-6 daily

I know that after seeing this side of her I should just forget her but I miss her . Well I miss who I thought she was. I feel lonely and it’s a sense of loss. I keep getting tearful and a couple of gifts she had got me that I lived I’ve thrown away because they make me get choked up and cry

Well whatever happens she’s fucked it now hasn’t she? She won’t have your help
or support ever again. When she’s desperate she’ll come back with her tail between her legs hoping to syphon a bit more off you.
Make sure you laugh as you shut the door firmly in her face.

Let yourself do the grieving and then let it go. She's a knob.

It probably won't end there, I think you're really going to see her true colours now and it's important that your bloke has your back.

it's important that your bloke has your back.
It is. But has he?

Your DH has obviously been complaining to her about your marriage for quite some time. She wouldn’t just try and split you up if he was going round there saying everything was rosy would she? To some extent it’s natural that he talks to his sister, but that amount of disloyalty I frankly couldn’t forgive. You need to find your anger OP. At her definitely. Sack her off entirely and see if she comes crawling back when she wants something. Then tell her where to go. But you also need to put your husband on notice. You know he has been badmouthing you and in future you won’t tolerate it. Find some nice people to spend your time with. You sound lovely. X

manipulators are very clever....that's why they are manipulators. I get your sadness but I would say to you don't feel hurt, feel angry!

Dh is very very angry about it. He has said she was totally out of order. He does agree it’s out of character though
The same Dh who listened to her bitching about you for years? He knows full well it's not out of character, and has only admitted it happened at all because she let the cat out of the bag.
Please don't imagine your SIL is the only one who's wronged you here. Your dh has a fucking cheek being "angry" about her behaviour now that you finally know about it!

Do not let her back into your life.

Polite but distant is the most she will get from you in future!

Please don’t make excuses for her , she has shown her true colours. I have been treated like this by someone close. I am very wary of saying anything to people now . Don’t trust her again .

I disagree.
To think she told her brother he could do better ( than the OP ) and wanted to set him up with her newly divorced friend.
I absolutely do think she feels that way towards the OP.

She has shown you what she is. A nasty user.
Believe her.
Your dh sounds like a good 'un

You miss the person you thought she was. It's not out of character, the mask has slipped when you said no. I have no doubt she'll come breezing back into your life as if nothing happened - this will be when she wants something. But you know better now. Grieve for your friend, but don't ever get hoovered back in

What a horrible shock, Cantgetover, I'm not surprised you're so upset. Rationally you must know you haven't lost a friend, as she took advantage of you while never helping you in return, and was constantly bad-mouthing you behind your back. Worst of all, she was actually trying to break up your marriage. But you didn't know any of that, so you're going through the pain as if you'd lost a real friend.

Thank god your DH is on your side, and told her to stop trying to pimp him to her friends! It's going to be hard for you (and DH) from here on, as she is a close in-law so you will probably have to see her unless you take the nuclear option of going no-contact. I'd advise keeping cool, maintain quiet politeness and see her as little as possible. And definitely no more childminding etc.

Sending you because losing a friend is so painful, even if what you've lost was just an illusion of friendship.

Many men stay clear from conflict with family. However your husband has supported you acknowledging his sister was out of line and admitting she had badmouth you to him.

You are grieving for a friend who is not the person you thought she was. It's like death. That person no longer exists because you can't bring back to life your old SIL.

Grieve the end of the relationship. Mourn it, cry as many times as you need to. But keep her at arms lenght. She doesn't care about you or your children.

Telling your Dh he could do better is appalling, a worse betrayal than all the other stuff. Maintain your dignity and ignore her. What a cow she is.

So the first time you said no to looking after her DC she has kicked off and slated you.

Step back, she has used you for 20yrs and has been purposely deceitful and your DH is a shit bag for allowing you to be used by someone who was trying to set him up with other woman.

You can mourn what you thought you had and move on from her.

As others have said you are missing the contact because it's been a big part of your routine /friendship circle for many years- being family too makes it all very awkward

We had a fall out with husbands brother and wife around 11 years ago- and it was 6 of one and half a dozen of the other (and he's frightened we think of his wife who is a right bossy britches with OCD tendencies as well) Despite us sending cards and the odd call where she answered and said 'I will pass on the message' we never heard from them again- ironically until 2 weeks ago when he called my H out the blue when she was out. He didn't apologise but was very sheepish

Sadly OP this lady was never your friend, just one of life's users , who saw you as pliant and easy going - she is no loss but will regret it!!!

Are your DH's parents still around?

I can't help wondering what she's being saying to them about you all these years. Perhaps your DH needs to find out, and put things straight, especially with regard to your dc and SEN.

Your husband could have handled this better but the main thing is that he is aware of it now. Have a day or two if you feel you need to grieve the end of this friendship and then find your anger towards her and cut her off. She is a nasty person.

I had a similar situation with a friend years ago. It was awkward because our parents were good friends and my dad in particular has long tried to carry on as though we’re still friends. I finally put him straight a few months back that I would not be contacting her.

So she is a narc and a total user and you said no and her mask slipped - this is her - believe it. I have narc parents and always got used by friends and now I won’t - I just won’t and sons friends melted away.

sen is no reason not to babysit. A day I’d a big ask when you have your own children- two days with nothing in return a cheeky ask. Two weeks is just shit that is not any sort of holiday for you or your children. It’s too much of an ask

I wouldn’t think very much of your husband allowing her to back stab you and trying to split up your marriage is on her - him not telling you and allowing her to continue using you is totally unacceptable

As teachers we used to get this, one relative actually cancelled their school holiday childcare because 'you'll be able to do it' then got very angry because we were so selfish not 'helping' a family member.

I understand OP. Its a feeling of grief. I had this with ex-DH, when you find out they just weren't the person you thought they were and did not feel about you the way you thought they did.
In fact, maybe its worse than grief. If they had died, despite the pain, you would still have the happy memories. But the past is destroyed too when this happens.

Its very, very painful. All I can say is to focus on any positive relationships you have and try to build up more of those.

I agree with all the other PPs, it's very hard to lose a person you've loved and cared about for 20 years especially under such spectacular circumstances. Of course you're going to miss her, you spoke every day, you had a great relationship (seemingly) she's also family. You just have to go through the grieving process and it will be hard and unbearable at times, but you'll come out the other side - she has lost more than you at the end of the day.

She sounds like my MIL
lovely woman - until you say no to her

Wow! Well now you know. She was quite happy to pretend for the sake of what she could get out of the relationship, but as soon as you said 'no' you saw the real her. Very sad, but you are missing a fantasy, she wasn't who you thought.

So sorry, very hurtful.

She is an insidious, evil, using bitch OP. I’d be going NC as a family.