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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Is it possible to have a bit of ongoing support please?
191

Bluehanger · 02/08/2022 09:07

Hi everyone
I'm having a lot of problems at the moment and going through the worse time of my life. Feeling very desperate and alone a lot of the time and wondered if it would be possible to have a post that I could check into once a day to have some contact with people please? If anyone would be willing to offer any advice, that would be welcome too.

Short story is marriage breakdown after 30 years and struggling with painful guilt towards my only adult child. Have been separated 4 months and I've tried so hard to be strong but I've gone backwards and can't seem to do it.

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Treacletreacle · 02/08/2022 09:16

Take one day at a time and im sure your adult son understands and wants his mum to be happy. Take care of yourself and try to do something however little each day to make yourself smile. A bunch of flowers, slice of cake, nice walk.

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Cheminaufaules · 02/08/2022 09:26

Why do you feel guilty?

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Bluehanger · 02/08/2022 14:22

Thank you. I've managed to keep busy today. I really appreciate you both responding.

I've feeling totally shattered at the moment. Smashed to pieces and still controlled by my covert narcissistic. I never thought it possible to feel this bad.

I'm destroying myself for not having more children so that the situation for my son would be less isolating.

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ManAboutTown · 02/08/2022 15:14

I was in the same position as you some while back (I'm guessing I am the same sort of age as you)

I read somewhere that for every 4 years of marriage it takes one year to fully get over a breakup. I don't necessarily subscribe to that but what it is saying (correctly IMV) is that you need time to adjust to your new life.

A few things I learned that might help

  1. Friends and family are your rock. Do stuff with them - go to a cafe, the cinema, art gallery, sports event. At this point in life there are no doubt some that have been through similar and in any case people are very understanding
  2. Accept there will be bad days - if you wake up feeling low get out of the house and do something even if it is just a walk or sitting in the park. Even better if you can find a friend to meet up with
  3. Remember alcohol is a depressant and won't help you feel better. Few drinks with dinner or wine bar is ok but don't overdo it and try not to have "wine o'clock" at home.
  4. Do you have a job? - even a part time volunteering role will get you out of the house and meeting people. Activity is good for the soul - there are lots of social clubs for example.

I was much happier when I was with friends and doing stuff and work kept me sane
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Bluehanger · 02/08/2022 16:32

Thank you. Unfortunately I'm alone and family aren't interested in helping. I've cut myself off my friends but am trying to reconnect with people.

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ManAboutTown · 02/08/2022 18:14

@Bluehanger I think the reconnecting with friends process is important and particularly helpful on days you are feeling low. I'm sure your child can be a part of that process

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Bluehanger · 03/08/2022 04:17

Anyone awake?

The trouble is there's not really anyone to connect with and everyone is busy with their own lives.

The worry I feel about the future is indescribable.

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Ouye · 03/08/2022 04:43

Hi @Bluehanger sorry you are going through this. I’m awake with worry too, also about a relationship. It’s horrendous. I just wanted to say you’re not alone. Time changes things and you won’t always feel this low, even if it feels like it now.

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Ouye · 03/08/2022 04:46

also my dad was an only child and parents split after 28 years. He didn’t enjoy the first year by all accounts but always said after that he never thought twice about it. He was 19. being an only child or with siblings won’t change anything; some siblings don’t get on and aren’t always a positive! You are not being rational due to upset which is understandable, but those thoughts aren’t real. So sorry you’re going through this x

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Ouye · 03/08/2022 04:48

*those thoughts aren’t facts that should say! Of course they are very real

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Bluehanger · 03/08/2022 04:48

Thank you. Sorry you're having worries too. It's awful. I keep falling asleep for 10 minutes then jolting awake.

I wish I could see the future and I wish I could change the past. My mind is a cruel mess.

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Biscuitandacuppa · 03/08/2022 04:51

I’m awake too, I split from my ex when my dd was a toddler and I remember the total exhaustion, fear and loss even though it was the right decision!

Try to look after yourself, have a nice bath, wear your favourite clothes or perfume, make sure you eat something regularly even if it’s just nibbles. You are in a state of grief, and you need to treat yourself gently.

Regretting decisions and things from the past is futile, our eyes are at the front of our heads because we need to move forward in life, there is no gain in looking back.

You will get through this and life will be ok again. I am far happier single and independent than I ever was. I don’t have a huge circle of friends but I do make the effort to be part of a community, my work colleagues and my church.

I had antidepressants and counselling for a while and that really helped me, posting on mumsnet was also a lifeline!

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Queenie6655 · 03/08/2022 05:35

Checking in

Hope all ok

Have you made a plan?

How are you managing each day going forward ?❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

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Bluehanger · 03/08/2022 05:41

Thank you for checking in.
So desperate for sleep but keep waking up. Lack of sleep makes it all worse.

I have no plan at the moment. Getting though each day. It's indescribably hard.

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Bluehanger · 03/08/2022 05:45

It's the future I'm worried about. For my son.
I'm totally alone and never want him to be in the same situation.

The extended family have made our lives much harder. I've given so much to them and none of them are willing to help me now. I'm sure that's not normal!

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Bluehanger · 03/08/2022 06:30

Anyone else around please? Could really do with some company. Thank you.

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Dery · 03/08/2022 06:48

I’m around - about to start work but have time for a quick chat.

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Dery · 03/08/2022 06:54

It’s very difficult right now for you but as PP have said, these feelings will pass. You’re child is an adult and can look after himself. You’re emotionally shattered because you’re freshly out of a very difficult 30 year marriage. It’s natural to feel a whole range of feelings. My mum ended her marriage to my dad after 30+ years too. It probably took a couple of years for her to feel completely better. But that time did come. It’s early days for you but the time will pass.

In addition to trying to reconnect with friends, what else are you doing to look after yourself? Are there any group activities you would enjoy that will provide company such as eg walking groups? A choir? Something like that.

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EarringsandLipstick · 03/08/2022 06:55

@Bluehanger

Are you getting counselling? I felt very isolated when my abusive marriage ended. No-one, including family, got it. I've been having counselling for years now (still trying to get actually divorced!) & that has been really all that's helped but it is a slow process.

You seem really fixed on your DS, and I can understand that but gently, when looked at rationally, he will be fine - he is an adult & while this is sad for him, he is also responsible for his own life & decisions now. This might be something to explore in counselling.

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KangarooKenny · 03/08/2022 06:57

I’m an only child, I’ve now got a DH and kids. He might have his own family too. There’s no point worrying about it as it’s up to him to make his own life.
Have you considered seeing your GP as you come across as extremely anxious ?

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FlowerArranger · 03/08/2022 06:58

Can you tell us more about your son and why you are so concerned about him?

As for you, do you have a good divorce lawyer and a therapist/counselor?

Can you focus on dealing with practical issues to stop yourself from drowning in your emotions?

Read Chumplady's blog and her book - I think it's called `Lose a cheater, gain a life'. Even if your Ex hasn't cheated, you'd probably still find it useful!

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Bluehanger · 03/08/2022 06:59

Thank you. I'm unfortunately not able to do much at the moment, I'm just getting through each day. The house has become a mess - dumping washing in piles and not putting it away, stuff I need to sell mixed in with it etc. I need to try to find the energy to get on top of this but can't at the moment.

I am fixed on my son, you're right. I feel so guilty for so much. I wish I'd been stronger in the past to have another child so we had a bigger family and now I'm a total mess. It's hard to feel okay about that.

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EarringsandLipstick · 03/08/2022 07:00

I've given so much to them and none of them are willing to help me now. I'm sure that's not normal!

It isn't right but it is common I have found.

Others often just don't get it. My family do care about me - but have been utterly shit in demonstrating it, for the most part. It has been very difficult to come to terms with but I recognise now my own happiness has to come from within myself (as cliched as that sounds!)

Again counselling can help with this.

Also, consider a visit to your GP; at my worst I wasn't sleeping at all (maybe 1 hour a night, often at the kitchen table). I was working, had 3 small DC, and I somehow could keep going but was steps away from a breakdown, I now realise. Fortunately my GP spotted it (as I didn't) & prescribed some short-term sedatives & then a longer course of low-dose ADs. I'll be forever grateful to her.

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EarringsandLipstick · 03/08/2022 07:02

I need to try to find the energy to get on top of this but can't at the moment.

Reading this, I'd really encourage going to your GP. I completely get that feeling (and every time I have a stressful episode - ongoing challenges with my nightmare ex - I feel like this again, overwhelmed by basic tasks, house a mess etc) and feel you need some tangible support before you can tackle this.

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Vallmo47 · 03/08/2022 07:04

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP. I second the suggestion of seeking medical help. I believe the first thing they will do is to get your sleep back under control. You need to get some sleep, it will make you feel better. Everyone else’s suggestions are good as well. But we all know the one thing that truly helps is time and lots of it. Be kind to yourself.

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