Is it possible to have a bit of ongoing support please?

[Bluehanger]

Hi everyone
I'm having a lot of problems at the moment and going through the worse time of my life. Feeling very desperate and alone a lot of the time and wondered if it would be possible to have a post that I could check into once a day to have some contact with people please? If anyone would be willing to offer any advice, that would be welcome too.

Short story is marriage breakdown after 30 years and struggling with painful guilt towards my only adult child. Have been separated 4 months and I've tried so hard to be strong but I've gone backwards and can't seem to do it.

Course you will

One step at a time

Many of us have been there

What's your support like around you?

OP I haven’t been in your exact situation but I am in a situation very much like your son. I don’t have any extended family, they exist but I barely know them. Family is just me and my parents (who really shouldn’t be together, and I wish they’d split up decades ago but that’s another story!)

Does it bother me? No, absolutely not. My friends are my tribe and support network and far more important to me than the notion of family. Being related to people doesn’t guarantee they’ll be a supportive or even positive presence in your life. I see the bureaucracy and politics that comes with big families and trying to please everyone when my friends are agonising over what to do for Christmas, for example, and find it unnecessary and bizarre to be quite honest - I like being liberated from that and able to do whatever I want. Maybe your son feels the same. Personally, I wouldn’t give a monkeys if my parents separated, in fact I’d be relieved. If your marriage was abusive it’s possible he may feel that way.

it sounds like you’re projecting your own insecurities onto your son rather than these worries having any basis in reality. I second suggestions for therapy, but proper, deep talking therapy, not CBT - if you can, go private, because NHS provision is unlikely to give you everything you need.

I literally have no support, that's a major part of the problem I think. None of my family will help. My mother refused to come for the day/few hours. Can't believe it really.

This then exacerbates my worries about my son because I've been left alone and worry about him having no one in the future.

Owing to health problems when he was born I couldn't face having another child, but at the same time, I always planned to and thought I would. I know that doesn't make complete sense.

Thank you Tedmullins. I appreciate you explaining how you feel. Do you know where I'd start looking to access counselling please? Not sure I can afford it but I can try.

You could start looking on the BACP website (British association of counsellors and psychotherapists). There is a directory of therapists that should list their specialisms. I would recommend something like psychodynamic therapy to get to the root of your insecurities - I personally found it really helpful and transformative in understanding myself and undoing unhealthy thoughts and behaviours. Good luck

Social media is full of family photos and sibling days out - both children and adults.

Thank you Tedmullins

Just to say thanks to everyone who messaged earlier. Really appreciate it.

How has today been for you? Can you get an early night?

Hi, it's been okay thanks. Thanks for asking.

I've stopped myself from getting upset (only one blip). Just wish my head would stop ruminating and regretting.

Going to try to stay awake a bit longer in the hope of sleeping tonight.

Hope your day has been okay.

That's good @Bluehanger

Maybe try to have a bath, get ready for bed & relax there even if not going to sleep. I always find if I stay up later, the rumination & 'thinking' really kicks in & then I'm lost for the night in terms of sleep!

Would you be able to reach out to a friend tomorrow? I know your family are no use.

Have you called your DS?

I'm hoping to contact a few friends soon. Have a bit of a mental barrier about it but am going to make myself. Feel a bit guilty that I'm getting back in touch primarily because things are bad and I need support. (Although things have been bad for a long time, which is why I disconnected). Don't feel I'm going to add anything good to their lives at the moment but I will do it, I'll get in touch.

Spoke to my son today but not about any of this. Just pasted on a fake face and tried to keep things light. He's had a good day.

Keep talking OP, always someone here to listen

Do you work OP or volunteer? Just wondering if you have opportunity to fill your time and get to talk to anybody during the day? Glad you have spoken to your GP. Just be kind to yourself and look to take one day at a time. Slowly move forward. Best wishes xx

Thank you. I work part time hours and pretty much alone so not a great distraction from my thoughts really! It suits me at the moment though because of the flexibility of it.

Not feeling as desperate tonight but so angry at myself for the choices I made in life.

Awake now worrying. It's too hard.

Are you still awake Blue? I am too. I have an only child and separated from his father as his lifestyle was not c

Whoops
....not conducive to family life.

I wrote a simple self care plan to get me through the early days and weeks and it really helped. Just things like 'eat healthily and don't skip meals', 'don't stop showing care just because somebody else did not show care, 'be active a little everyday- get showered dressed and go out side even if you just walk round the block', 'you made the right decisions that will make your life better for you and your child's, ' the way you were treated was not in your control, what IS in your control is to create a safe, consistent, healthy environment now for you and your child'. 'You tried, you did the best you could, now it's time to look after yourself', 'rest, reconnect, read, avoid social media, stick to a simple daily ROUTINE'.

Write yourself a self care plan. I stuck mine on my wall next to my bed so that when I woke up on those long dark nights I could remind myself how I was going to get through this. It worked and within 2/3 months I was stronger than I 'd been in years.

Thank you that's a good idea. I'll try to do that, not sure I'll be able to at the moment though

My son is a young adult. The guilt and worry is killing me.

You need to make a strict decision not to feel guilty. It won't help you or your son to keep blaming yourself. Theres things we all could have done differently but you have no idea it would have changed the outcome.

Be kind to yourself! Love your boy. Make small steps. You can start straight away and you'll feel so much better. Show your son how good life can be, his age is irrelevant. If you were stuck in an abusive relationship your son needs to understand all the difficulties that has brought. Talk to him, hug him, tell him this is the start of a brand new better life now.

Thank you, you're right and that's good advice. I'm just so low at the moment, no energy, literally empty. I know I've got to get better and I am trying but it's so hard.

With no support or distraction for months and my family ignoring me and refusing to even visit for the day, I feel like I've ended up in a worse place mentally rather than start to heal a bit.

My son and other people have said I’m all he needs but that’s horrific, I won’t be here forever. Everyday I’m going over in my head what age I could live to and how old he would be then.

I really appreciate you replying to me. Thank you

I don't think it helps where I live either. Small town (like a large village really.) Everyone follows the path of two children, everyone has them early to late 20s and lots of people have extended family on their doorstep. It feels in my face every day.

The way I looked on it (eventually) was that the responsibility I had to my children (not grown up at the time of divorce, and I'll be another to say that more than 1 child does not always make for best friends...) was to model being strong and independent for them. That was my incentive to do things that were hard for me (and especially felt I didn't deserve, an issue mostly rectified with counselling), such as:

self-care - not always wearing jeans, painting toenails, wearing a necklace

social life - reaching out to friends, saying yes to invitations, trying new things

activity levels - getting out of the house most days, writing lists of 3 things to get done each day

And equally, if you are having a terrible day, do not beat yourself up if the most you can do is watch tv in bed eating toast. You need to heal.

Now that they are adults, they also wish they had had a better childhood and parents that got on, but they completely understand and accept that it could not be. And now even more than ever I feel thst my job as their role model is to show them that this little life that we have is not a burden to be endured, despite its many tricky parts, rather a path dotted about with many small joys.

We can all see that you are being far too hard on yourself, and I think you know it really but are finding it hard to stop blaming yourself and feeling regretful. If you feel it is to a point that you are finding it hard to function, maybe talk to the doctor again and a mild anti-depressant like cetirizine could be useful for a few months.

I know what you mean about seeing 'happy families' all around...I can't afford to go away on holiday this year despite not having one for the past two years in lockdown, and all I see all over social media is everyone I know doing just that - getting so jealous! It's, unfortunately, human nature to notice things like that, a typical example people struggling to conceive seeing pregnancy and babies everywhere.