Is it possible to have a bit of ongoing support please?

[Bluehanger]

Hi everyone
I'm having a lot of problems at the moment and going through the worse time of my life. Feeling very desperate and alone a lot of the time and wondered if it would be possible to have a post that I could check into once a day to have some contact with people please? If anyone would be willing to offer any advice, that would be welcome too.

Short story is marriage breakdown after 30 years and struggling with painful guilt towards my only adult child. Have been separated 4 months and I've tried so hard to be strong but I've gone backwards and can't seem to do it.

Please try and be kind to yourself today. You said you have lots of jobs to do, that can feel overwhelming. Maybe lower your expectations about what you can achieve today if you're having a low day, and focus on one or two things you can manage. Sometimes a simple task isn't that simple when it has emotional weight behind it, so don't beat yourself up if you're struggling to do things at the moment. Looking after yourself is the most important thing, then you can support your son. He is an adult, so capable of looking after himself, hopefully you can support each other through this as he is not a child. Take comfort from your dog too, animals can help soothe us so much.

It's really hit me today. Not even sure why. I'm not in a good way

Thank you. I could never tell my son how I feel or ask for his support on this and my dog brings a load more guilt and worries about losing him. Sorry I know I sound difficult

You don't have to apologise to anyone on here, and you are not being difficult. This is how you feel today. Some days are just really shit days!

I hope you know that the feelings of guilt you have are not rational and therefore it’s not the facts of your situation that are the problem, but the fact that your mind is caught in an obsessive irrational loop. Have you tried propranolol or similar to help you cut the physiological adrenaline response? Highly effective and non addictive.

Millions of people have single child families, or no supportive immediate family, or are children throwing up in an otherwise differently shaped family set up. I’m sure you don’t think they should all be wracked with guilt over it… be kind to yourself and prioritise that as much as you can. Life is unpredictable, we can’t control other people or all outcomes..

Thank you. I'm definitely stuck in a loop of self hatred, regret and guilt. It's cruel and hard to bear. I can't shake the feeling that I've deprived my son of something and not given him the best opportunities/set up in life which is/was my job to do.

I have spoken about medication but at the moment it's not possible, but thank you.

I feel like I'm waiting for a big switch to happen in my mind so I can see that everything is okay and I didn't let him down but being surrounded by sibling stuff everywhere (in the street, social media etc) it's hard to get even close to that place. I think he was fine without a sibling when he was a child but now as an adult it really should have another person 'on his side' in the face of my disgusting ex and horrible family.

Just wanted to say, I'm an only child of a single mum. Mum left my abusive 'father' when I was a baby and his side of the family wanted nothing to do with us. I have grown up with a very small family and am a perfectly happy adult. I have met and made my own family, and have lovely friends. In no way do I resent my mum for not having more children or not having a large family. Yes, it will be really hard if anything happens to mum as it's just me, but I have a support system around me, and your son will build one too as he grows up and flies the nest, meets people and potentially starts his own family.

I'm really sorry you're having such a difficult time; I know the overwhelming feeling of jobs to do and not being able to start. Pick yourself a treat for after you've completed a job - another episode of something on the telly, a walk to get your favourite cake from a bakery, an hour sat in the garden with your favourite book, something like that.

OP, how old is your son? Does he live with you still? Work? You say he has friends, what makes you think he is unhappy or lacking in some way? Is he very reliant on you?

I am also an only child of a single parent. I have cousins but never lived near them. I never felt I lacked anything. I had friends, I am now married with 2 children if my own. And very happy with my gamely and friends. I am sorry you are feeling so low at this time but I'm struggling to understand why you ate so convinced your son will be unhappy because he doesn't have siblings.

I hope you are feeling in a better place soon

This seems to be an unhealthy obsession and a mental health issue that it would be good to get some professional help with OP.

Thank you.

Thank you. I'm sure you're right but the help isn't available, not as quickly as I need it that's for sure. I have the wheels in motion to get some help but in the meantime the support here is invaluable and I'm very grateful.

I've been struggling for months and it's all got to much which is why I'm asking for support here.

Thank you for sharing about your situation. My son is early 20s and does live with me. I wouldn't say he's reliant on me but we're very close and my head tells me that if he had a sibling our bond wouldn't be as close as he'd have a bond with that sibling. This to me is a good thing as I don't want me being 'his world'. I'm probably being ridiculous, irrational, I don't know. Life is hard!

Hi OP, I've come across your thread a bit late and haven't read it all and probably haven't got anything wise to say but couldn't read and run.

Just wanted to say though that a marriage breakdown, especially after so many years, is one of the most stressful things that can happen in your life. It's early days, you're bound to have ups and downs. Give yourself time to heal, and be kind to yourself.

Please don't feel guilty about your son not having siblings. It's all he's known all his life so he's used to the situation, and many more people nowadays have only one child so he's by no means unusual. Siblings aren't all they're cracked up to be anyway, I hardly see mine and when I do his selfishness annoys me. We don't have much of a relationship. I'm much closer to my friends.

to you OP

I did it all wrong.

@Bluehanger you didn’t do it all wrong. You did your very best at the time, and made decisions that were the right ones based on your situation. Please try not to feel bad, I’m sure your son wouldn’t want you to feel this way.

I hope you get a better night's sleep tonight OP.

I'm sorry if I sound difficult, but I don't agree. I could have had another child. I can't believe I didn't now. That wasn't making the best decision at the time. It was stupid and not forward looking. More of the same today with sibling stuff in my face. It's everywhere and it's too hard. I have to accept that this hell I'm living is how it is for me now I think.

@Bluehanger I'm getting very concerned by your updates. This is becoming or has become an obsession that is destroying your mental health. That certainly is not going to be a positive experience for your son, is it? I would urge you to speak to your doctor again and get some medication to quell the anxiety that is going on here. I left an abusive marriage - I stayed a very long time. Should I berate myself to death for being 'so stupid' and not 'forward-looking'? My children have suffered greatly from their childhood. But it does no-one any good to punish ourselves about it now. There were reasons for all the choices I made. The person who is responsible i.e. the other parent is the one who should be crying to the heavens about the mess he made but no, of course he is still blaming everything except himself...
I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but I speak from life experience and can empathise but only you can decide if you want to keep beating yourself with a stick.

Why are you so convinced your son will be lonely?

I'm sure your son has friends and there is every chance that he will meet a partner and have a family of his own. There is nothing to say he would have been close to a sibling. My dad for example had 3 brothers and never even saw them!

If you really want to help your son you need to stop obsessing over this as it will start to affect his mental health too, if it hasn't already done so.

Can you pay to see a counsellor privately? If not does your son work and contribute to household bills? If not and if he is working I suggest he starts to contribute and that you use that money for counselling. This will serve two purposes, helping him to stand on his own two feet and to take responsibility and to assist you to deal with your mental health which in turn will benefit him.

As mums one of the biggest things that gives us strength is doing what is best for your kids. Your current mindset is not best for your son.

Well I didn't do what was best for him did I? And now it's all too late. I can't turn it back. I can't magic a bigger family unit for him. I can't make his dad not be a disgusting selfish narcissist.

I'm not sure about the counselling. It's something I've been looking at but money is tight.

Thank you. I'm sorry things have been difficult for you.

I can't decide, that's the problem. I'm trying. I'm really trying but I can't get out of this and think I'll carry this guilt every day until I die.

I can't decide, that's the problem. I'm trying. I'm really trying but I can't get out of this and think I'll carry this guilt every day until I die.

You CAN decide. You can decide to get rid of the guilt. You CAN get out of it. You need to stop fixating on your son’s lack of siblings.

I’ve been reading your thread and just wanted to share my own story.

I come from a dysfunctional family. My dad is an abusive, selfish and narcissistic man. My mum had me, then my younger brother a few years later. If I can be completely honest, I will say she shouldn’t have. That baby did not deserve living in the abusive environment we were already in.

My brother has a completely different personality to me and my mum. He was a sweet child but from a very young age he started showing my dad’s traits - and because he was enabling the abuse, he also found it appropriate to get himself a little side kick and allow him to get away with his exact selfish and narcissistic behaviour. It broke my mum. Abusive families are not an environment for kids. Adding kids to an abusive environment does no favours to anyone.

I decided to move abroad at the age of 16, for university. With no financial support if I may say, and no practical support from extended family as my dad had completely alienated us from them. No cousins, no aunts and uncles, nothing. Much like your son, I only had my mum. I couldn’t speak to my brother at the time due to the emotional abuse I was being subjected to every time we talked.

I was happy. I was in a completely different country, alone. Away from old friends, away from my mum, with no siblings to talk to. But I made my own family. I found wonderful friends who are still my family today. We were a very small group but I have never felt so much support as I’ve felt from them.

I was in the exact situation as your son. ‘Alone’. No siblings, no extended family, just my mum. I was happy and grateful to have her, and didn’t miss what I didn’t have.

I was happy to break free from the horrible abusive environment I had grown up in. I only wish my mum had done it sooner, not for me, but for her sake. I do not have one regret. My mum is still my rock. She is the strongest person I know - and you sound equally as strong. My brother did eventually calm down as she did not desist during his teenage years and he has now changed a lot, I would say. Still, as much as I might love him, I feel so very sad for him because he didn’t deserve to suffer so much during his childhood. He didn’t deserve to be born in such a toxic environment. He will always have trauma from that time, he will always carry that around with him, because toxic families are not an environment children should ever find themselves in.

Now ask yourself - is that what you would’ve wanted? Another child growing up with your ex? There are no guarantees they would’ve turned out fine. There are no guarantees they wouldn’t go on and repeat the abuse. Your son sounds like a lovely, beautiful person who is well aware of how much you have done for him. Please remember that. Stop obsessing over the fact that he has no siblings.

I did. We didn’t talk for years. My family is now made of people I chose to be close to. People who were there for me when I needed them - unlike my ‘real’ family.

You’re caught up in an illogical thought pattern that the more you hate on yourself now, the more you’re atoning for what you believe are mistakes that you’ve made.

From the outside it’s coming across as a sort of highly self-pitying martyr complex.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and start taking action - it is in the taking of action to improve your life and the lives of those around you that you’ll start to feel better.

Nobody posting support on this thread can help with that - you seem to just want more opportunities to disagree with everyone by reinforcing that yes, you are this terrible person.

All of us here have made mistakes. All of us. Do you really think you’re this uniquely awful person who has let their child down? By your measure we would all be awful people letting our children down. I’m divorced and put my children through hell by “stupidly” marrying their father who was a toxic nightmare to divorce costing us hundreds of thousands of pounds and 7 years of court proceedings. One of my DC is now in counselling and self-harms. Do you think I should don a hair shirt too? Shake yourself out of this OP and start with small constructive acts of service to others - focus your attention outwards instead of on your self-flagellation.

Thank you for taking the time to respond to me and share what you've been through. I'm so glad things are better for you now. You sound like a strong, good person.

I really hope people continue to support me and not get frustrated but in my heart I know if I'd had another child, they wouldn't have been subjected to any abuse.

The reason I say this is because when my son was small I was able to paint on a face so that he had a really happy environment and I would have done the same for a second.

My ex's abuse was towards me not my son. Narcissism is a hard thing to explain if you haven't experienced it. It's only in the last year that I knew about it when a lady on a helpline suggested to me that my ex was covert narcissistic.

I've pretty much spent my whole relationship being used - no care towards me, no interest in initiating family life eg days out, home building, no affection, porn etc

It's a lot deeper than this but that's some of it. I was able to keep that smiling face on until about 5/6 years ago when it all got too much and I broke.

What I'm saying is, another child wouldn't have had a dysfunctional upbringing and now and in the last few years when things got bad and I couldn't cope, my son would have had an ally. It wouldn't just be me and him. There'd be a 'team'.

I know this is the most idealistic picture and there would have been life problems etc but it would have been so so much better than how it is now. I see it all around me all the time. Families breaking down but because there's more children, the unit remains somewhat a unit.

I really really hate that person I married. Selfishness to an extent I can't believe. And yet believes he's the wronged one, the 'nice' reasonable one. Can't understand why I won't sit down and have a nice conversation with him. How unreasonable and unhinged I am! Doesn't equate my unhappiness or sadness to anything he has done and continues to do. He has zero empathy and is only able to see the world from his perspective. He's fragile and weak and his biggest fear is being 'exposed' and consequently he treads on and disregards everyone else. He's told me if he ever went to prison, he would kill himself - despite being a dad.

And then I receive a random message (which he will then change his mind on the next day) saying he knows how I must have felt over the years and he would like to talk to me about it. It's really a torturous thing to experience. You could never explain it to someone, not properly.

I'm not being deliberately obtuse and disagreeing. I can't help these cruel thoughts. Believe me I'm trying to be stronger and sometimes I get tiny flickers of 'it's all okay' and I can't explain how that feels. I want to be okay. God I want to not feel like this. It's hell.

I don't think I'm the worse parent. Not at all. I know I've tried beyond my means to be the best parent but I made a big, big irreversible mistake and because of the family set up now, it's been exacerbated a million times more.

This thread is my only way at the moment of keeping any level of sanity - that might sound like an exaggeration, it's not. I'm in a very bad way, struggling to sleep, struggling to get up, crying throughout the day, can't get small tasks done but I can check in here for some level of 'connection'. Sorry if not explaining well. I have never been so alone in my life and appreciate every single person taking the time to respond. I could never explain how its helping me to not completely crumble.